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Do ur SKids refer to you as... First name, Mommy, or something else...?

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This past weekend SDs turned 4 and DH decided we would visit his parents since they live about 2 1/2 hours away and don't see them as often as their other gParents.

Well, DHs mom loved the time with them of course. She had dresses for them (their mom always has them in jeans, sneakers etc) & I did their hair so it would stay loose, natural. (Their mom doesn't leave their hair out either.)

Anyway, MIL asked if they said thank you to me for doing their hair. So they said "Thank You, Grace". MIL said "I don't think I like you calling Grace that. She's more than Grace" one right away said "we can call her mommy or mommy grace!" but the other right away said "mommy said we can't call her that". MIL replied "tell mommy I said it's ok, you can call her mommy grace" but the little one repeated "mommy said we can't" while the other insisted "we can when we're with her".

These little girls are smart. They have shown everything their mother tells them by their behavior with us on weekends. For a while, the one repeating "mommy said we can't" kept giving a hard time and acting out. I assumed it was the mother saying things. Now I hear her say that and it all made sense.

Anyway, DH been said the girls shouldn't call me by first name anymore. They were fine with "mommy grace" for one weekend or two. After that we noticed it stopped and the acting out started. One almost asked permission to call me mommy by asking me what do I call my mom. I guess she feels and knows I love her like a mom loves.

I don't want them being confused. They hear my 3 calling me mommy. Sometimes it slips out with SDs. One corrects herself, the other doesn't I guess she waits to see if I correct her, but I don't. My kids started calling DH Papi years ago after I talked to him and told him they said he was their dad to their friends/classmates. That was before we were married. I knew they looked at him as their father because he's been in their lives consistently for so long.

Anyway, SDs have seen their mother off and on w/a BF while I've been consistent in their father's life and am going to be there no matter what.

I've never forced them to call me anything other than what they're comfortable with even when DH was suggesting Mommy Grace. But to hear that they're being told not to even if they wanted to makes me think they can be confused.

I always emphasize to DH that I don't need or want to replace their mom. They live with her and she does all the Dr appts, etc. But I do deserve respect which I struggled with for a while with one. But after talking to a friend, I learned I have to keep doing my part and let them see that whatever their mother may be feeding them about me isn't true. We have never even met so Lord only knows what she assumes.

Anyway, do your SKids call you by your first name, Mommy, or something else?

If they call you by first name only, are they respectful at least?

When did they start calling you Mommy- if they do?

How does BM feel about it?
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on May. 2, 2012 at 11:34 AM
Replies (31-40):
packermomof2
by on May. 2, 2012 at 5:41 PM

If he doesn't want them calling you by your first name because his mom said it wasn't okay, fine.  Have them call you "Mrs. Lastname" or "Ms. Firstname".  You are not the mom and their mom already told them not to do it.  Her "title" isn't dads or grandma's to give away.... they are not mom and neither are you so it should be up to mom to decide if she is okay with her kids calling you mom anything...

JacyB
by Bronze Member on May. 2, 2012 at 6:05 PM
Your MIL sucks :(
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rwblake2011
by on May. 2, 2012 at 6:10 PM
My sd calls me by name (with respect) usually some moments she does yell for stepmommy lol but shes with me 95% of the time and only sees bm 4 hrs a week supervised site and sound. I dont correct her if she calls me mommy though. What she calls me is HER choice.
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MamisAngels
by on May. 2, 2012 at 6:40 PM
No, DH said it months ago way before MIL. I guess because he felt they should understand I'm not just a woman who will be here today, gone tomorrow.

BM had a live in BF for a few months then it was off and on until he wasn't around at all anymore for whatever reason. The girls would mention him a lot while he was around then one time the name was mentioned and they said they weren't allowed to talk about him anymore.

I'm sure it could have been brought up differently on DHs part but he wanted them to know I'm not just a friend or girlfriend, I'm his wife. He did explain I wouldn't take their mommy's place but I was like another mommy for them. They liked it and were fine knowing that.

BM not wanting them to call me mommy anything I could understand as a mother myself.


Quoting packermomof2:

If he doesn't want them calling you by your first name because his mom said it wasn't okay, fine.  Have them call you "Mrs. Lastname" or "Ms. Firstname".  You are not the mom and their mom already told them not to do it.  Her "title" isn't dads or grandma's to give away.... they are not mom and neither are you so it should be up to mom to decide if she is okay with her kids calling you mom anything...

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MamisAngels
by on May. 2, 2012 at 6:44 PM
Awe, lol. Really she's sweet, but she does sometimes say or comment on things that she doesn't know the full details of.

Her not being nearby, I'm sure that wasn't the right thing to tell them. It may just stir up more trouble with BM but who knows.

I just don't want the girls getting confused. I love them and they tell me all the time "I love you so much". So to have just one more person aside from mommy and daddy tell them what is or isn't ok to refer to me as probably has them in a whirlwind.

I think MIL meant well but that should have been among us as adults, not directly towards the little ones.


Quoting JacyB:

Your MIL sucks :(
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MamisAngels
by on May. 2, 2012 at 6:46 PM
I agree, the children definitely have a big part in determining, after all it's their comfort and security in the person.


Quoting angelmommy2806:

I've always told the kids to call me what they're comfortable with. The older 2 call me by my name and the youngest sometimes calls me mom. When he started it I reminded him I'd never take the place of his mom, but I didn't mind him calling me that.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
packermomof2
by on May. 2, 2012 at 6:48 PM


Quoting MamisAngels:

No, DH said it months ago way before MIL. I guess because he felt they should understand I'm not just a woman who will be here today, gone tomorrow.  Kids can understand this without it being explained the way you say your husband explained it.  He isn't replacing mommy, but you're like a mommy isn't a concept young kids are going to get either...

 
I'm sure it could have been brought up differently on DHs part but he wanted them to know I'm not just a friend or girlfriend, I'm his wife. He did explain I wouldn't take their mommy's place but I was like another mommy for them. They liked it and were fine knowing that.   He could have said "this is MamisAngel, my wife" or "your stepmother"... but saying you are like a mom when they have a mom wasn't cool on his part. 

BM not wanting them to call me mommy anything I could understand as a mother myself.  Mom has told them not to call you mom.  They told their grandmother they can't call you mom because their mom said so.  Their mom trumps grandma and dad on this topic.  Same as dad would if mom was explaining to the kids that new husband is like their dad and if grandma was telling the kids to call a new man dad anything...

gr8d8n3mom
by on May. 2, 2012 at 7:21 PM

Skds act like I don't exhist in my home on their dads parenting time, if they feel it's beneath them to address me they  use my first name.. BM is the master pot behind all of it.

ROBIN-C
by on May. 2, 2012 at 7:28 PM

 my stb SD doesnt call me anything yet, not even my name. she has said that she wants to call me mom so that she doesnt feel differnt than my own kids (she also wants me to call her my daughter, not stepdaughter).

i am starting to understand why she wants to call me mom. Sd and her BM do not get along, to the point that her SD even gets on to her BM about her treating daughter differnt than the other kids etc. all her BM does is yell at her and make her feel guilty. BM doesnt spend any time with her. BM didnt even participate in daughters formal shopping etc, she went with friends and then her grandma (dads mom). SD has said that I am more of a mom to her than her own mom.

s/o has been married twice before me. 1st to daughters mom and 2nd to someone else. his daughter has never had a close relationship with anyone s/o has dated or married. his daughter says that she can see and feel the love i have for her!

LivnSimply
by on May. 2, 2012 at 7:52 PM
My stepson calls me "Mom."

When we are all together I am "Momma ______" and his mom is Mom.

This is what works for us. His Mom even refers to me as that or my first name.
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