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Frustrated about YSS. long

Posted by on May. 3, 2012 at 8:43 AM
  • 10 Replies

Backstory: DH got temporary custody a year ago, permenant hearing is next month, part of judges order to BM to consider giving kids back to her was her getting a job and maintaining a home in their current school zone. BM has moved in with a new BF 3.5 hours away, but had a local house until last month.

BM told SSs two weeks ago that she was giving up her local house.  YSS wants to go back to BM b/c he doesn't like rules/ chores/ consequences for behaviors, but he knows the stipulation the judge gave BM.  The only way BM will get him back now is for DH to voluntarily give her custody, not going to happen.

Ever since BM told the kids about giving up the house YSS has been giving DH hell and constantly throwing fits saying he hates living with us and wants to go back to BM. He is using everything to start one of his fits. DH asked him to grab DS's diaper bag when they were loading up to go to the bus stop, YSS threw a fit.  He talked back to 2 of his teachers and we benched him for 1 baseball game, threw a major fit.  Ask him to help OSS clean their room, threw a fit.

I know he is doing this out of disappointment/ misplaced anger.  DH and I have had many talks on validating his feelings, but sticking to our house rules and DH has talked to YSS about appropriate ways to express himself and that his acting up is not going to make DH send him back to BM.  DH and I have reached a level of frustration with the whole situation that is just crazy. 

Part of me thinks BM doesn't want custody back, she had a house for 11 months and gave it up 35 days before court.  If I was a meaner person I would sit BM and YSS in a room and give her the option of moving back here to have custody of YSS and let YSS hear for himself when she says no.  No mother should pick a man over her child, but it's killing me that she is leaving us to clean up her mess.  Is DH being an ass in not being willing to send YSS 3.5 hours away?

by on May. 3, 2012 at 8:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
SammyJK
by on May. 3, 2012 at 8:49 AM
Um no, dh is doing whats best for his kid. Theres obviously a reason why he got emergency custody a year ago. How old are sks?
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colema11
by Bronze Member on May. 3, 2012 at 8:59 AM

13 and 10. 

Quoting SammyJK:

Um no, dh is doing whats best for his kid. Theres obviously a reason why he got emergency custody a year ago. How old are sks?


angelmommy2806
by on May. 3, 2012 at 9:13 AM
No he's not being an ass. She's an adult and knows what she needs to do to get her son back.

When my DH was given temp custody Ss13 had a horrible time. He was the most favored at Bm's house and didn't understand consequences to his actions. Every time he got in trouble he would scream he hated us and wanted his "real" family back. They've been with us almost 9 months and we still deal with that behavior at times, just not as bad.
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colema11
by Bronze Member on May. 3, 2012 at 9:33 AM

 

This has been the same deal with YSS.  It got a lot better for a while, but has gotten really bad since she told them about moving and I am worried that it will get a lot worse after court.  BM has placed all the blame on DH telling YSS that DH could give him back if he wanted to.  YSS does not want to hear that DH has to do what's best for him.

Quoting angelmommy2806:

No he's not being an ass. She's an adult and knows what she needs to do to get her son back.

When my DH was given temp custody Ss13 had a horrible time. He was the most favored at Bm's house and didn't understand consequences to his actions. Every time he got in trouble he would scream he hated us and wanted his "real" family back. They've been with us almost 9 months and we still deal with that behavior at times, just not as bad.


SammyJK
by on May. 3, 2012 at 9:38 AM
Just give them time. At those ages, they'll soon realize how bm's course of action is what lead to this.
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angelmommy2806
by on May. 3, 2012 at 11:31 AM
Then put it on the judge. Tell him he gave his mom a choice and it is Her decision. The more DH tries to defend himself the angrier he'll get. He's too young to understand now, but he will when he's older. If he starts blaming your DH tell him to walk away, there's no winning in that situation.

Quoting colema11:

 


This has been the same deal with YSS.  It got a lot better for a while, but has gotten really bad since she told them about moving and I am worried that it will get a lot worse after court.  BM has placed all the blame on DH telling YSS that DH could give him back if he wanted to.  YSS does not want to hear that DH has to do what's best for him.


Quoting angelmommy2806:

No he's not being an ass. She's an adult and knows what she needs to do to get her son back.

When my DH was given temp custody Ss13 had a horrible time. He was the most favored at Bm's house and didn't understand consequences to his actions. Every time he got in trouble he would scream he hated us and wanted his "real" family back. They've been with us almost 9 months and we still deal with that behavior at times, just not as bad.


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Tarac1012
by Member on May. 3, 2012 at 11:52 AM

These poor kids..... moms are supposed to love their kids unconditionally and when they don't do what they should it's so much harder to take than when dad does the wrong thing. My SS (23) had and still has a hard time with his mom. She's a hot mess - my husband has had custody of his son since he was 8 and when I walked into the picture when he was 15 and I'm pretty maternal, it almost made things worse becuase I represented all those things his mother should have been but wasn't.   Stay strong - continue to be there for them, and it will get better. I'd like to suggest some counseling too if you haven't already tried it to help him have a place where he can vent privately about everything going on with him.  Unfortunately, they don't know to appreciate it until they are older but you guys are doing the right thing - just keep reminding yourselves of that when you are at your witts end.

DDDaysh
by on May. 3, 2012 at 3:14 PM

 Remember that this has only been a year.  This type of behavior is not uncommon in such situations.  I know it's hard to handle, but it is what it is.  This is your DH's son, he's got to figure out how to parent through this.  Sending the kid away just to get him to calm down isn't an option, neither is trying to cause more emotional damage to child who is already hurting so badly. 

Parenting defiant hurt children is tough, but it can be done.  Hang in there! 

ShannaBee
by on May. 3, 2012 at 5:27 PM

I said this in another post, because DH and I faced the same thing:

Kindness and love was my weapon. If SS was being mean or difficult, I distracted him with a game, or color with him, or something fun. It worked often.

colema11
by Bronze Member on May. 4, 2012 at 8:41 AM

DH is not planning to just give him back to BM, DH was only granted emergency temporary custody while the judge gave BM time to get her life back together.  If BM had not moved there was a good chance YSS would have been placed back with her b/c that's where he wants to be.  Since she violated the judges order by moving our placement will become permenant next month unless DH drops his requests for permenant custody, DH has already refused to drop the case.  GAL has already informed BM that he is not going to recommend placement back with her and BM has told YSS that he could still come back if DH dropped his case.  I just wish BM would be honest with the kids and just tell them that she has no plans to move back here instead of leading them on, then we could all move forward.

Quoting DDDaysh:

 Remember that this has only been a year.  This type of behavior is not uncommon in such situations.  I know it's hard to handle, but it is what it is.  This is your DH's son, he's got to figure out how to parent through this.  Sending the kid away just to get him to calm down isn't an option, neither is trying to cause more emotional damage to child who is already hurting so badly. 

Parenting defiant hurt children is tough, but it can be done.  Hang in there! 


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