My SD officially hates me - honeymoon is over. What now?
Emily is now convinced that I am the reason her mom and dad don't live together anymore. I didn't meet her dad until a year and a half after the marriage ended, and she's just turned 5 - surely she can't even remember them living together when she was 1. And when they did live together, it was far from idyllic - constant screaming battles, substance abuse, anger, you name it.
She's started to be awful to me, hitting me, screaming at me, manipulating me, telling me to shut up, anything she can to try and hurt my feelings. She's also throwing HUGE tantrums over nothing, when she doesn't get her way. Keep in mind "her way" that she fights for isn't a power struggle type thing. It isn't "I want to color" and us saying "no coloring!" "Her way" is having only ice cream, brownies, and potato chips for dinner or staying up until 1:00 am.
Again -- this is new. We used to have so much fun together. Now, one minute she loves me and is all over me, the next minute she tells me never, ever to speak with her EVER again.
Her mom definitely doesn't feed this idea of me stealing her dad to her, because her mom is intelligent, and knows every reason they are no longer together. We don't talk bad about her mom either, because really, we have nothing bad to say about her. When her mom and dad are together, they still scream and fight. They're just two personalities that do not mix, at all. It isn't like when they get together it is some family fun time, it is a powder keg.
I'm not sure where she got this idea, or how to get her past this idea so that she won't hate me for the rest of her life. She's known me for about two years, I've always treated her with love, respect, and joy, even when she's a complete monster to me.
How do you ladies handle things like this? Her dad sits us down and explains to her very clearly that I love her very much, and that I have nothing to do with them not being together. And I tell her all the time how happy I am to have her around, and how much I love her to pieces.
What in the world do I do here?
I don't think her issues have to do with how much she thinks you love her. I think her issues have to do with bratty 5yo behavior that someone (her dad) should be correcting. It's really not more complicated than that.
I agree with whatIknownow. As I was reading it, I was thinking my 3 year old DD acts out like that. I have 4 children, my oldest will be 17 this year, so I wasn't new to parenting by any means. However, I knew that YDD would be my last & I've spoiled her. So I have created this little monster & I'm working on better discipline with her.
Best thing I can offer is don't engage when she's acting that way. When she acts that way, tell her you love her but don't "interact" with her until she's ready to calm down. Sometimes just reacting will give them more fuel. Maybe she's still coming to terms with you marrying her dad? Even if you've been around awhile, kid's still have the sense of change & she's adjusting to it in the best way she knows how.
She is testing her boundaries.
I am a firm believer that anyone in a position of authority in a child's life should be able to discipline said child. Discipline does not automatically equate to spankings to be clear. Anyone who allows a child (or anyone else for that matter) to walk all over them, will get stepped on.
She must be taught different so this is where parenting comes in. How does dad handle or discipine her when she acts out like this?
Wow, do I seem like SUCH a huge idiot?!?! I don't have a lot of experience with kids except babysitting, so I don't really know what kind of behavior is normal or abnormal for a kid. In my brain I was thinking, until all of you just pointed out how ridiculous it is, that she should behave like me and everyone I know -- logical, thoughtful behavior based on careful consideration of the possible outcomes.
I'm a lawyer. I like logic, and rationale, and things that make sense. Five year olds don't make a whole lot of sense to me.
So, cleary I had unrealistic expectations! I feel like such an idiot with her sometimes, like she's this machine that came with no instructions. I really did feel like she was acting insane - but I'm the one who looks a little crazy here!
So, all five year olds act like this sometimes. That's fantastic to know. I'm glad to know I'm not necessarily doing something to cause this behavior, or to make her miserable. I don't want to wreck her, I want her to be happy.
Her dad has finally started disciplining her as well. He's pretty fed up with this behavior, and he definitely lets her know, which I think is important. He will tell her flat out that her behavior is not acceptable. Yesterday he made her go to bed because she refused to eat her dinner and demanded, with a screaming tantrum, that we let her have ice cream instead BECAUSE SHE WANTS IT. He's never raised his voice at me, and he's never raised his voice at her, so I think we were both shocked. I was kind of proud of him, though, for enforcing discipline, when he's been so permissive her whole life.
Turning over a new leaf? I hope so.
Oh and he also told her that if she's going to get this worked up over treats, and throw tantrums every day and refuse to eat properly, we wouldn't have any treats in the house for her at all. And he did throw them out in a big show in front of her.
Which made me sad because I love treats ( :) ), but happy because she saw the immediate consequences of her behavior.
But oh those brownies I made were so good...
yep, really she can't come out and say what she is feeling so she acts out.....the more you ignore her behavior towards you the less she will do it, I had the same thing go on w/my SS and he was 11 when we gotten together of course a huge age difference but kids aren't dumb they know how to work the system.....
Quoting divinehammer:
Wow, do I seem like SUCH a huge idiot?!?! I don't have a lot of experience with kids except babysitting, so I don't really know what kind of behavior is normal or abnormal for a kid. In my brain I was thinking, until all of you just pointed out how ridiculous it is, that she should behave like me and everyone I know -- logical, thoughtful behavior based on careful consideration of the possible outcomes.
I'm a lawyer. I like logic, and rationale, and things that make sense. Five year olds don't make a whole lot of sense to me.
So, cleary I had unrealistic expectations! I feel like such an idiot with her sometimes, like she's this machine that came with no instructions. I really did feel like she was acting insane - but I'm the one who looks a little crazy here!
So, all five year olds act like this sometimes. That's fantastic to know. I'm glad to know I'm not necessarily doing something to cause this behavior, or to make her miserable. I don't want to wreck her, I want her to be happy.
Her dad has finally started disciplining her as well. He's pretty fed up with this behavior, and he definitely lets her know, which I think is important. He will tell her flat out that her behavior is not acceptable. Yesterday he made her go to bed because she refused to eat her dinner and demanded, with a screaming tantrum, that we let her have ice cream instead BECAUSE SHE WANTS IT. He's never raised his voice at me, and he's never raised his voice at her, so I think we were both shocked. I was kind of proud of him, though, for enforcing discipline, when he's been so permissive her whole life.
Turning over a new leaf? I hope so.
DH needs to step in and let his DD KNOW that when she screams, yells, disrespects you, and demands things that are unreasonable that her attitude won't be tolerated. And if the 5 year-old demands that you never speak to her again, just ignore her and stop speaking to her. She wants a fight out of you (negative attention) and if you don't give it to her, I'll bet she asks you why you aren't talking to her! lol Then you can tell her that she asked you to stop talking to her so you stopped.
Good luck!
1-2-3 Magic! It's a book, check it out, it's wonderful for establishing boundaries on adult reactions to children's behaviors and how to modify a child's behavior without driving anyone crazy.
And, btw, the things she's saying are likely happening because she knows they'll hurt your feelings and they make everyone react. If you've gotten along before, and you're not the one doing all the discipline, then with a child so young she's almost certainly just looking for attention.
Chores- how much is too much.
- divinehammer
on May. 3, 2012 at 10:27 AM