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SMTB finally moving in together, what to expect?

Posted by on May. 3, 2012 at 10:09 PM
  • 22 Replies

 Well im CF (childfree that is) but my fiance does have a young D ive gotten to know over the last 1yr 1/2  and we are moving in together FINALLY. Since weve been together he basically has us both on his off days and we've gotten on well. But since we are moving together Im getting closer to coping w the SM lifestyle I guess and she will be around a lot more. I dont have children and Im okay with never doing it (Its not for everyone so please dont judge) but Im a little nervous of what life will be like spending more time with her? Id say we are good I do the mommy thing cooking cleaning school homework when Im there and it doesnt bother me, but doing it on a more permanant level is scary! Any new SM's maybe without kids have any stories to share or any tips? I never over step with her but I am much more disciplined than DF and I think SD is a little spoiled to an extant. I run a tight house with keeping it clean and do not have patience for bratty disrespectful children (sorry Im just being honest) but she isnt too bad. As far as BM we play nice but have disliked eachother from 13 till now and I dont care for her. Weve had out F U no F U moments just cux personality clashes but overall she doesnt bother me much. But i really just wanna know what can be expected......My fiance is the love of my life and knows Im not really a small child person but can deal when they respect my house I dont hate them either. I do enjoy our time together as a couple and we dont see her cept maybe twice a week shell sleep over but its going to be a lot more going on soon. She is very affection and very need almost to the point I think she must not get a lot of attention (which i keep between me and DF like I said I dont deal w BM much unless I have too and when I do have a problem i go to DF he listens takes it in and usually agrees and discusses on OUR behalf so all is calm) But again any tips for STBSM is greatly appreciated

 

 

Thanks to all! Im so glad I found this site!

by on May. 3, 2012 at 10:09 PM
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Replies (1-10):
daddysgf
by and that's all on May. 3, 2012 at 10:38 PM
1 mom liked this
My biggest piece of advice is that its okay to be Dads girlfriend or fiance or wife and that should be your primary role/focus.
Stepmom and anything else is not a necessity, his child has parents and if you dont want to be one, dont be.
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CFSTBSM27
by on May. 3, 2012 at 10:42 PM
1 mom liked this

I have no real expectations just gonna go with the flow I suppose

daddysgf
by and that's all on May. 3, 2012 at 10:45 PM
How long have you been with df? How old are you?

Quoting CFSTBSM27:

I have no real expectations just gonna go with the flow I suppose

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CFSTBSM27
by on May. 3, 2012 at 10:48 PM

27 and weve been officially together for a 1yr 1/2 but weve been friends and dated on and off since we were 13 yea ur cheesy first love kinda thing but were just adults now

Marie9076
by on May. 3, 2012 at 10:55 PM
I suggest BEFORE moving in, sit down just you and DF and discuss things like rules, punishments, general care, etc. What I mean is who makes the rules? Who enforces them? Who punishes when broken? Who handles making sure the child is doing what she should (chores, homework, bed on time, etc.)? I was CF when I moved in with my now husband and he had two kids full-time except EOW. We never really discussed how things would work and pretty much everything got handed to me as if I was mom and he was just the boyfriend or whatever. It stressed me out A LOT for a while. Be deciding NOW what you DO and DON'T want to be responsible for and what is up to DF. Then, hopefully there will be less issues later. GOOD LUCK
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newstepmom61811
by on May. 3, 2012 at 10:57 PM
Trying just to go with the flow will be tough because kids push, without a plan you will be pushed to your limitsz. I too am a SM with no biokids. I'm now a CSM of 3 SKs and have come to love it, ended up growing far closer to these kids far faster than planned. I have two questions 1. How old is SO's DD? How old are you? I ask because depending on her age, your description of her neediness may actually be age appropriate. Also be prepared how to handle more time with her, the challenging time will be when she acts up or misbehaves. Invest in the book SOS for parents, it's a fantastic booking on parenting/disciplining techniques, gentle ones that are completely nonphysical so that you can have an appropriate level of control on your home using very gentle techniques where neither you or she will feel like you are mean yet you can maintain some sanity, control, and peace in your home. Good Luck, even for a woman who wasn't looking to be any sort of a mom, having kids in your life can be an enriching surprise blessing on your life if you define your role appropriately. The love that you find flows between you and the child grows to be a unique relationship, can be enriching for both parries, and a blessing.


Quoting CFSTBSM27:

I have no real expectations just gonna go with the flow I suppose


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CFSTBSM27
by on May. 3, 2012 at 11:00 PM

See now that is exactly what I was looking for Marie! We discuss such things on a light level becuz we dont expect to have her A LOT but school will be out soon. So far its basically been what I "suggest" i dont like SAY cuz hes my partner not my puppet. Only thing hes def the "cool" dad but with a lil push has been more stern with ya know jumping on furniture bed time etc things like that. SHe is 8 btw the way and quite the princess...

CFSTBSM27
by on May. 3, 2012 at 11:08 PM


Quoting newstepmom61811:

Trying just to go with the flow will be tough because kids push, without a plan you will be pushed to your limitsz. I too am a SM with no biokids. I'm now a CSM of 3 SKs and have come to love it, ended up growing far closer to these kids far faster than planned. I have two questions 1. How old is SO's DD? How old are you? I ask because depending on her age, your description of her neediness may actually be age appropriate. Also be prepared how to handle more time with her, the challenging time will be when she acts up or misbehaves. Invest in the book SOS for parents, it's a fantastic booking on parenting/disciplining techniques, gentle ones that are completely nonphysical so that you can have an appropriate level of control on your home using very gentle techniques where neither you or she will feel like you are mean yet you can maintain some sanity, control, and peace in your home. Good Luck, even for a woman who wasn't looking to be any sort of a mom, having kids in your life can be an enriching surprise blessing on your life if you define your role appropriately. The love that you find flows between you and the child grows to be a unique relationship, can be enriching for both parries, and a blessing.


Quoting CFSTBSM27:

I have no real expectations just gonna go with the flow I suppose



Fantastic thank you..  By needy its she will not go to bed without me and she is constantly wanting hugs and kisses I dont think its bad its just very excessive. I come from a big family and the kids are more reserved with outsiders but she was like that since the day I met her

Marie9076
by on May. 4, 2012 at 1:19 AM
I'm glad I could help. Feel free to PM me if you ever want to.
I think it's an only little girl thing in some cases, I see it with DH and SD too.
Trust me, it doesn't matter how much you have her, you still want to discuss these things ahead of time. I sure wish we had!


Quoting CFSTBSM27:

See now that is exactly what I was looking for Marie! We discuss such things on a light level becuz we dont expect to have her A LOT but school will be out soon. So far its basically been what I "suggest" i dont like SAY cuz hes my partner not my puppet. Only thing hes def the "cool" dad but with a lil push has been more stern with ya know jumping on furniture bed time etc things like that. SHe is 8 btw the way and quite the princess...


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neverbeamom
by on May. 4, 2012 at 1:39 AM

I'm also childless.  Also not married.  SO and I have been together for 2 years.  We have lived together for a year and a half of that (yes we kinda moved fast).  I will tell you this-

have ZERO expectations.  

You run a tight household for just yourself?  Two more people (DF and SD) will be added into that equation, and they may not be the same way.  Don't expect your SD to bend to your rules.  Things will change for you.  Give her space.  Don't force anything.

You and DF need to sit down and talk about how things will be managed.  You say you've been doing the "mommy" type things when she is around- cooking, cleaning, school work, etc.  You may not mind it right now, but it may not be something you ALWAYS want to be doing.  

The biggest battle when SO and I first moved in together was cooking- SS8 (same age as your SD!) is picky.  He wouldn't eat ANYTHING I made.  Not sure why, he enjoys most of it now.  Expect SD to push your limits.  

PICK YOUR BATTLES.  

She's at that age where she's pushing her limits and is going to drive you mad.  The way you put it, sounds like she is sort of a Daddy's girl.  Leave it.  lol.  Unless she's REALLY getting out of control, let her Dad handle things until everyone is settled into the situation.  You said you've already been pushing him to be a little more stern with her - jumping on furniture, bedtimes.  Sometimes, it is your place to say something.  SS broke both arms of my couch (yes, MY couch) after telling him numerous times to stop standing/sitting on/jumping off of them.  He wouldn't listen to me and would say things like, "My mom lets me do it."  Rule of thumb, if this situation comes up where she is bringing up what goes on at her mom's house, be nice about it and just let her know that this is not her mom's house, it is your's and her dad's and you guys have different rules.  I had to learn that one right quick (he was 6 at the time).  

Bedtimes are weird.  I still struggle with how SO loses track of time and SS will be up until 9 if I don't say something.  They get up at 5:30am to be out the door by 6:30 so I only pipe up when I know it's way past his bedtime and he'll struggle to get up in the morning.  

Ask your DF what part he wants you to take in the household.  Does he want you to be a co-parent?  Does he want you to let him parent when he's around?  Does HE have expectations?  Sorry so long, but I feel like maybe since our situations seem similar I might actually have decent advice for once!  LOL.   

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