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walking through it

Posted by on May. 4, 2012 at 2:11 PM
  • 19 Replies
I go through these cycles where I very much desire to have a child of our own. A little one who is with us 24/7. I am walking through the grieving process of accepting that it cant happen due to medical issues on my end. Weve been foster parents and have discussed adoption but Im only talking about that maternal biological desire we have as women to have and raise our own .

I have a 17 year old son who I gave up for adoption when I was 16. It was a semi open adoption and when he was 12 he reentered my life. His family is wonderful and we have a great relationship. They are so great to include me in their life. But I havr respected that I made a choice for him when I was young and made the hardest decision in my life and have had to live with that decision that he wouldnt be soley mine.

I have bonded so well with my skids that when they are gone I feel our home is empty. I love every moment they are here even through the hard times of parenting but I have always been cognizant and respectful that they have a mom and a dad and i have never tried to mess with that or coveted to be anything more than stepmom.

But my bioclock is ticking and I sometimes feel that desire to procreate so strongly that I wake up crying with the pain and loss that that is not on my path in life.

I am not unhappy with my choices or my life in an manner and my cuppeth runs over with blessings.

Is it hormones? Has anyone else felt these feelings? My sister said she felt the same way after having their last baby and went through a greiving period and coming to terms with this will be their last.
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by on May. 4, 2012 at 2:11 PM
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Replies (1-10):
rose0919
by on May. 4, 2012 at 2:20 PM

huggs.... i know what it feels like  i do have my dd11 but have always wanted more but unfortunatly i cant. 

rocknmom85
by Silver Member on May. 4, 2012 at 2:25 PM

I can relate. I am 26 yrs old with no bio kids and 3 stepkids. I have always had mixed feeling about whether i wanted I child of my own from a logical POV. But from a biological perspective I have gone months where i will sho sure physical signs of pregnancy before my period starts that I will think I am even though the chances are unlikely. My DH had a vasectomy 2 years before I met him when he was still married to his ex, he was convinced he did not want more. Now even he has pondered the though of having a child with me, aand I think emotionally he wants to. The problem is the obvious obstacle which is that he would need to get a reversal (which scares him because he had BAD complication with the vasectomy) or do in-vitro. The other issue is that we have my 3 step kids, one of which has autism, that are alreadya handful on their own AND my career would make it difficult to care for a baby. At this point I have just decided to put it in God's hands, if he wants me to have a baby, he will make it happen somehow. Who knows what the future will bring.

angelmommy2806
by on May. 4, 2012 at 2:50 PM
I still feel this way at times. I'm 26 and can't have children of my own. I've been pregnant twice but I can't carry to term. I lost the first right after finding out it was a girl and the second at 5 weeks.

We've been raising our nephew since he was 4 weeks old and he's almost 2. We'll be going through the adoption process soon. I love him as my own but my heart aches for the children I lost. The skids are older and even though I do the same things for them they aren't mine. For a long time I wished DH and I could at least Try but now with 4 kids it won't happen.
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newstepmom61811
by on May. 4, 2012 at 2:59 PM

Absolutely, I am 37 now and due to medical/genetic reasons can't have my own bios and have had to come to peace with that. I will not be cavalier and say it is easy or that their is a formula or even that every woman who faces that situation even gets there, some remain broken hearted, but it can be done. Personally I believe it takes an open heart, to God, being open to His blessing in your life in other ways, an adventurous spirit to seek to fill the time you would fill with kids giving in other ways. The energy and love you would have to give towards children can be channelled in many different ways. Finding peace in this area is a hard process, a very personal journey, but once travelled gives you an amazing strength, grace, and identity all your own, once facing this painful "demon" few others if any bring you down, that I can gurantee you having reached the peaceful end of this road. Once you find the peace, you will see life differently, colors more vibrantly, your days more purposeful, you will choose the people in your life more carefully...it looks different looking back from where I started.

CherryBlossom4
by on May. 4, 2012 at 2:59 PM
1 mom liked this

I just wanted to say, I know 4 couples that have had reversals and they have all gone on to have 1-5 more kids. I know you said he had a complication... but I just wanted to tell you that. :o)

Quoting rocknmom85:

I can relate. I am 26 yrs old with no bio kids and 3 stepkids. I have always had mixed feeling about whether i wanted I child of my own from a logical POV. But from a biological perspective I have gone months where i will sho sure physical signs of pregnancy before my period starts that I will think I am even though the chances are unlikely. My DH had a vasectomy 2 years before I met him when he was still married to his ex, he was convinced he did not want more. Now even he has pondered the though of having a child with me, aand I think emotionally he wants to. The problem is the obvious obstacle which is that he would need to get a reversal (which scares him because he had BAD complication with the vasectomy) or do in-vitro. The other issue is that we have my 3 step kids, one of which has autism, that are alreadya handful on their own AND my career would make it difficult to care for a baby. At this point I have just decided to put it in God's hands, if he wants me to have a baby, he will make it happen somehow. Who knows what the future will bring.


Tigress22304
by Platinum Member on May. 4, 2012 at 3:00 PM

you're def. not alone!!

I've gone thru 2 miscarriages already-and nearly lost DD8. The doctors wanted me to abost halfway thru.

I was born with only 1 kidney-and while I had a great pregnancy-I was constantly suffering from Utis/Bladder infections/kindey infections.

I can't have anymore babies. I'm to the point I want to ask my sister to be our surrogate. Sad thing is-I LOVED being pregnant=it was an incredible expirience for me.

I'm only 30-and I would love 2-3 more kids. But I can't. I feel your pain :(

Tinkerbellmama
by Platinum Member on May. 4, 2012 at 3:03 PM

My cousin's husband had a vasectomy after the birth of his 3rd child with his first wife. They divorced and he has custody of all 3 kids. My cousin married him 3 years ago. They saved up the money for him to reverse his vasectomy and they did that last year. They are expecting their first child together August 3rd.

Quoting CherryBlossom4:

I just wanted to say, I know 4 couples that have had reversals and they have all gone on to have 1-5 more kids. I know you said he had a complication... but I just wanted to tell you that. :o)

Quoting rocknmom85:

I can relate. I am 26 yrs old with no bio kids and 3 stepkids. I have always had mixed feeling about whether i wanted I child of my own from a logical POV. But from a biological perspective I have gone months where i will sho sure physical signs of pregnancy before my period starts that I will think I am even though the chances are unlikely. My DH had a vasectomy 2 years before I met him when he was still married to his ex, he was convinced he did not want more. Now even he has pondered the though of having a child with me, aand I think emotionally he wants to. The problem is the obvious obstacle which is that he would need to get a reversal (which scares him because he had BAD complication with the vasectomy) or do in-vitro. The other issue is that we have my 3 step kids, one of which has autism, that are alreadya handful on their own AND my career would make it difficult to care for a baby. At this point I have just decided to put it in God's hands, if he wants me to have a baby, he will make it happen somehow. Who knows what the future will bring.



zannahdeux
by Silver Member on May. 4, 2012 at 4:39 PM

No you are not alone. I just had ds and because this is my dh's third child he does not want anymore. It breaks my heart but I know deep down he is right. He really couldn't handle another child. He is 10 years older than me as well. I am so sad to think this will be my one and only but that just makes me appreciate what i have so much more. I really think you should consider adoption. I think it would fufill you in ways you haven't thought of..mainly doing for someone what another couple did for you when you were young and while not biologically yours, emotionaly and mental the child would be yours - no one would take this one away EOWE...think about it momma. I think this would really stop thoes tears and fill your heart.

TheStepMonster
by on May. 4, 2012 at 4:47 PM
You are not alone. Due to my own medical issues, I will never be able to have a child of my own. I go through periods where I am very sad about it. I'm going through one right now. (15 babies only windy school class have been born in the past year!) I have zilch advice...just know that I am thinking about you >hugs<
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Ms.Gwen
by on May. 4, 2012 at 4:58 PM
I had an abortion at 19 due to contracting polio from a vaccine (didn't know I was pregnant or allergic to live virus vaccines). Since then I have lost twins at 5mo and another child at 18 weeks. I am CSM to 3 whom I love dearly but they are not mine. I'm 35 this year... The click is ticking. I may never have one of my own and it is heart breaking. Even through all this the pain hit the hardest when my nephew was born. He is the most beautiful baby in the world and I can't bring myself to hold him. It just hurts too damn much.
Everytime my BIL and SIL visit they ask me to hold him. They get hurt that I won't. I usually say "I'd love to! Hold on let me' check the oven..." or some other lame excuse. I know they notice. They must think the worst of me. I just can't bring myself to do it. It hurts to much.
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