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Being the bigger person? I need help with that part.

Posted by on May. 7, 2012 at 11:01 AM
  • 53 Replies

Ok so my situation is SO's children are all adults, out of the house (except one who has aspergers and lives with his mom) and pretty much independent of the whole mommy/daddy thing. 

Sunday just so happens to be SO's birthday, and of course it's mother's day. His mother has been dealing with a lot of health issues in the past couple years so every mother's day, birthday, holiday is special and we try to spend time with her when she's feeling up for it. I have no issues sharing SO's birthday with his mom and children. I really like his family and his family is the type who appreciates a hard worker which has landed me a part of the family even though they'd rather see us married than just living together. 

My issue is the ex. If the adult children are invited to a function than she assumes she's invited to or just shows up "her kids, her right to participate". His family tends to be polite and won't tell her not to come, even if they won't outright invite her. 

When she's at a function she just can't help herself going on about what a wonderful life her and SO had together and won't stop with the "remember when daddy...  did this and the other and we were such a freakishly happy family" which even her children get tired of it because it's all a pack of lies but it's like if she tells me about their "wonderful" life together then it's real to her. All of SO's family has told me what a crappy, lazy woman she's been and wished SO had left her 15yrs sooner.

I get so sick of walking down memory lane with SO's ex. And if I don't sit next to her and listen to her bullshit she'll spend the entire time calling my name every 15 minutes and asking a question, or making a comment or just giving me WAY too much attention. I feel like a freakin' cheetah at a wildlife safari that everyone looks at but I'm passively trying to pretend I'm invisible by looking the other way and refusing to make eye contact. 

Oh yea, so SO's birthday and mother's day I get to share with his ex. It makes me want to throw a tantrum. It's bad enough that father's day lands around his mother's birthday so I get to share father's day with his ex also. 

Someone please tell me how to just be "OK" with sharing all these special days with SO's ex. I just need a way to find a little peace in the matter so it doesn't poison everything good. Besides drinking heavily before hand I just don't know how. Joking about the drinking heavily. 

by on May. 7, 2012 at 11:01 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Ms.Gwen
by on May. 7, 2012 at 11:18 AM
Have you ever told the woman "I don't want to hear it." or "please don't talk to me."? Or just walk away and ignore her? The skids are adults. They know their mom is starting shit. You don't have to play nice. Get some boudaries and enforce them!
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justahousewife
by on May. 7, 2012 at 11:48 AM

I've always just tried to just be civil and polite. SO has always appreciated that quality in me and his family says so also. Most of these family deals tend to be in close spaces, so I'm lucky if there is more than one table to sit at. When it comes to the rest of his family I like that, we can spend hours chatting about whatever before, during and after the meal. So by walking away, I'm removing myself from his family too which I really don't want to put that space between us. I genuinely like his family and they let me know they think I'm good for him. 

It would be nice if someone else played the bad-guy because by even ignoring her I tend to get her hackles up and then her children are stuck with the mess after the holiday is over. I can only imagine the drama that would arise from actually telling her not to talk to me. LOL As good as it would feel just to say it I don't think anything beneficial would come from it.

Idk. 

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Have you ever told the woman "I don't want to hear it." or "please don't talk to me."? Or just walk away and ignore her? The skids are adults. They know their mom is starting shit. You don't have to play nice. Get some boudaries and enforce them!


Ms.Gwen
by on May. 7, 2012 at 11:53 AM
Well then... Take responsibility for the decision you have made to pander to her BS then. That leaves you with 2 options.

1) don't go.

2) get the fuck over it.


Quoting justahousewife:

I've always just tried to just be civil and polite. SO has always appreciated that quality in me and his family says so also. Most of these family deals tend to be in close spaces, so I'm lucky if there is more than one table to sit at. When it comes to the rest of his family I like that, we can spend hours chatting about whatever before, during and after the meal. So by walking away, I'm removing myself from his family too which I really don't want to put that space between us. I genuinely like his family and they let me know they think I'm good for him. 

It would be nice if someone else played the bad-guy because by even ignoring her I tend to get her hackles up and then her children are stuck with the mess after the holiday is over. I can only imagine the drama that would arise from actually telling her not to talk to me. LOL As good as it would feel just to say it I don't think anything beneficial would come from it.

Idk. 


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Have you ever told the woman "I don't want to hear it." or "please don't talk to me."? Or just walk away and ignore her? The skids are adults. They know their mom is starting shit. You don't have to play nice. Get some boudaries and enforce them!



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newstepmom61811
by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:08 PM
3 moms liked this
Simple, when she takes a trip down memory lane, destroy the bridge on the road..."it's nice for you to have good memories of your time with "DH (insert name)" we've built some good ones too but I'm just not one of those people to bore family with the same old stories over and over, oh, have I told you about our upcoming plans to...(insert whatever plans here). Hopefully she will clue in that she is a memory, memory lane is closed, and you are the present and future for DH...if not, at least you've semi-politely said your peace and likely given the family a little chuckle at her expense...
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justahousewife
by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:12 PM

LOL Yea. Getting the fuck over it is in the title, I just phrased it differently; being the bigger person = putting up with her bs in order to not cause more drama. Tips on how to stay sane while doing so is what I was seeking. I know what I have to do, what I don't know is how to do it while not pulling my hair out. LMAO 

You see?  

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Well then... Take responsibility for the decision you have made to pander to her BS then. That leaves you with 2 options.

1) don't go.

2) get the fuck over it.


Quoting justahousewife:

I've always just tried to just be civil and polite. SO has always appreciated that quality in me and his family says so also. Most of these family deals tend to be in close spaces, so I'm lucky if there is more than one table to sit at. When it comes to the rest of his family I like that, we can spend hours chatting about whatever before, during and after the meal. So by walking away, I'm removing myself from his family too which I really don't want to put that space between us. I genuinely like his family and they let me know they think I'm good for him. 

It would be nice if someone else played the bad-guy because by even ignoring her I tend to get her hackles up and then her children are stuck with the mess after the holiday is over. I can only imagine the drama that would arise from actually telling her not to talk to me. LOL As good as it would feel just to say it I don't think anything beneficial would come from it.

Idk. 


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Have you ever told the woman "I don't want to hear it." or "please don't talk to me."? Or just walk away and ignore her? The skids are adults. They know their mom is starting shit. You don't have to play nice. Get some boudaries and enforce them!




justahousewife
by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:17 PM

See, that I can do. To the point without being actively direct or rude.  

You've given me something to think about. Thanks!

Quoting newstepmom61811:

Simple, when she takes a trip down memory lane, destroy the bridge on the road..."it's nice for you to have good memories of your time with "DH (insert name)" we've built some good ones too but I'm just not one of those people to bore family with the same old stories over and over, oh, have I told you about our upcoming plans to...(insert whatever plans here). Hopefully she will clue in that she is a memory, memory lane is closed, and you are the present and future for DH...if not, at least you've semi-politely said your peace and likely given the family a little chuckle at her expense...


Ms.Gwen
by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:17 PM
4 moms liked this
1)Perfect the art of back handed compliments

2) repeat "well, bless your heart!" to everything she says

3) drink

4)change the topic

5) give her a dose of her medicine

6) act deaf (and blind if neccessary)


Quoting justahousewife:

LOL Yea. Getting the fuck over it is in the title, I just phrased it differently; being the bigger person = putting up with her bs in order to not cause more drama. Tips on how to stay sane while doing so is what I was seeking. I know what I have to do, what I don't know is how to do it while not pulling my hair out. LMAO 

You see?  


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Well then... Take responsibility for the decision you have made to pander to her BS then. That leaves you with 2 options.



1) don't go.



2) get the fuck over it.





Quoting justahousewife:

I've always just tried to just be civil and polite. SO has always appreciated that quality in me and his family says so also. Most of these family deals tend to be in close spaces, so I'm lucky if there is more than one table to sit at. When it comes to the rest of his family I like that, we can spend hours chatting about whatever before, during and after the meal. So by walking away, I'm removing myself from his family too which I really don't want to put that space between us. I genuinely like his family and they let me know they think I'm good for him. 

It would be nice if someone else played the bad-guy because by even ignoring her I tend to get her hackles up and then her children are stuck with the mess after the holiday is over. I can only imagine the drama that would arise from actually telling her not to talk to me. LOL As good as it would feel just to say it I don't think anything beneficial would come from it.

Idk. 



Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Have you ever told the woman "I don't want to hear it." or "please don't talk to me."? Or just walk away and ignore her? The skids are adults. They know their mom is starting shit. You don't have to play nice. Get some boudaries and enforce them!






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Ms.Gwen
by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:20 PM
2 moms liked this
7) compliment her continuously

8) talk over her head about topics that either bore her to death or she doesn't understand. Ie. Explain physics include equations. People really hate to talk about math for some reason?
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justahousewife
by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:21 PM

LOL See now there is a list I can work with. :) 

Actually what's funny is I'm completely deaf in one ear so I can partially tune her out if I face the right direction. This tends to make her speak really loud and people start looking at me to respond so I know I must be missing something. Eventually she speaks loud enough for me to hear. Unfortunately. Why she wants my attention so badly is beyond me.

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

1)Perfect the art of back handed compliments

2) repeat "well, bless your heart!" to everything she says

3) drink

4)change the topic

5) give her a dose of her medicine

6) act deaf (and blind if neccessary)


Quoting justahousewife:

LOL Yea. Getting the fuck over it is in the title, I just phrased it differently; being the bigger person = putting up with her bs in order to not cause more drama. Tips on how to stay sane while doing so is what I was seeking. I know what I have to do, what I don't know is how to do it while not pulling my hair out. LMAO 

You see?  


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Well then... Take responsibility for the decision you have made to pander to her BS then. That leaves you with 2 options.



1) don't go.



2) get the fuck over it.





Quoting justahousewife:

I've always just tried to just be civil and polite. SO has always appreciated that quality in me and his family says so also. Most of these family deals tend to be in close spaces, so I'm lucky if there is more than one table to sit at. When it comes to the rest of his family I like that, we can spend hours chatting about whatever before, during and after the meal. So by walking away, I'm removing myself from his family too which I really don't want to put that space between us. I genuinely like his family and they let me know they think I'm good for him. 

It would be nice if someone else played the bad-guy because by even ignoring her I tend to get her hackles up and then her children are stuck with the mess after the holiday is over. I can only imagine the drama that would arise from actually telling her not to talk to me. LOL As good as it would feel just to say it I don't think anything beneficial would come from it.

Idk. 



Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Have you ever told the woman "I don't want to hear it." or "please don't talk to me."? Or just walk away and ignore her? The skids are adults. They know their mom is starting shit. You don't have to play nice. Get some boudaries and enforce them!







rocknmom85
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2012 at 12:31 PM

Pretend like your comletely interested in what she's saying, enagage her, don't resist. If she is trying to push your buttons then she will get pleasure out of seeing you squirm and looking uncompfortable. If you act sickeningly friendly and enthusiatic about whatever she is saying she will either get the point or see that it is no longer bothering you and stop. Plus you will will have a little fun too if make into a game. If that doesn't work for some reason just stay engaged in conversation with someone else and when she interrupts you just quickly acknowledge her and get back to your conversation. Just don't act bothered no matter what you do, smile and giggle and genuinely try to enjoy yourself, she is likely to back off.

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