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Being the bigger person? I need help with that part.

Ok so my situation is SO's children are all adults, out of the house (except one who has aspergers and lives with his mom) and pretty much independent of the whole mommy/daddy thing. 

Sunday just so happens to be SO's birthday, and of course it's mother's day. His mother has been dealing with a lot of health issues in the past couple years so every mother's day, birthday, holiday is special and we try to spend time with her when she's feeling up for it. I have no issues sharing SO's birthday with his mom and children. I really like his family and his family is the type who appreciates a hard worker which has landed me a part of the family even though they'd rather see us married than just living together. 

My issue is the ex. If the adult children are invited to a function than she assumes she's invited to or just shows up "her kids, her right to participate". His family tends to be polite and won't tell her not to come, even if they won't outright invite her. 

When she's at a function she just can't help herself going on about what a wonderful life her and SO had together and won't stop with the "remember when daddy...  did this and the other and we were such a freakishly happy family" which even her children get tired of it because it's all a pack of lies but it's like if she tells me about their "wonderful" life together then it's real to her. All of SO's family has told me what a crappy, lazy woman she's been and wished SO had left her 15yrs sooner.

I get so sick of walking down memory lane with SO's ex. And if I don't sit next to her and listen to her bullshit she'll spend the entire time calling my name every 15 minutes and asking a question, or making a comment or just giving me WAY too much attention. I feel like a freakin' cheetah at a wildlife safari that everyone looks at but I'm passively trying to pretend I'm invisible by looking the other way and refusing to make eye contact. 

Oh yea, so SO's birthday and mother's day I get to share with his ex. It makes me want to throw a tantrum. It's bad enough that father's day lands around his mother's birthday so I get to share father's day with his ex also. 

Someone please tell me how to just be "OK" with sharing all these special days with SO's ex. I just need a way to find a little peace in the matter so it doesn't poison everything good. Besides drinking heavily before hand I just don't know how. Joking about the drinking heavily. 

by on May. 7, 2012 at 11:01 AM
Replies (11-20):
justahousewife
by on May. 7, 2012 at 12:38 PM

I can see how that would work. I'll certainly give it a shot. Thanks!

Quoting rocknmom85:

Pretend like your comletely interested in what she's saying, enagage her, don't resist. If she is trying to push your buttons then she will get pleasure out of seeing you squirm and looking uncompfortable. If you act sickeningly friendly and enthusiatic about whatever she is saying she will either get the point or see that it is no longer bothering you and stop. Plus you will will have a little fun too if make into a game. If that doesn't work for some reason just stay engaged in conversation with someone else and when she interrupts you just quickly acknowledge her and get back to your conversation. Just don't act bothered no matter what you do, smile and giggle and genuinely try to enjoy yourself, she is likely to back off.


Brittanyk3
by Member on May. 7, 2012 at 12:49 PM
I think you should talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. i can't see him not understanding your feelings. Your SO should have a talk with her...he doesnt have to be rude...just let her know we are no longer together and our kids are grown. The kids don't need mommy to go to every event with them anymore...You are a better women then I am. I could not deal with that crap. I understand for the kids birthday party (if they have them anymore) but thats as far as it would go with me.
newwife1
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2012 at 1:01 PM

Why would she be at her ex husband's birthday celebration? That's not appropriate at all

Mother's Day is a different story, she should be with her kids on Mother's Day.

justahousewife
by on May. 7, 2012 at 1:04 PM

He knows how I feel, he feels the same way but he's been like me just civil and polite about the whole deal. When he brings it up with her she claims his family still loves her and wants her around, his mom is like her own mom since her mom died, blah, blah, blah. Even though his mom was in a nursing home a few blocks from her house for 6 months and she only went to see her once because SO flat out asked why if his mom was so special to her she wouldn't get off her fat ass to go see her. SO's family treats her the same way we do, just being civil and polite.

Most of the holidays are hosted by one of his children which means of course everyone is invited. I actually feel a little guilty about having anything here at our house because then she's the ONLY one who isn't invited. 

The joys of mixed families. Right?

Quoting Brittanyk3:

I think you should talk to your SO and tell him how you feel. i can't see him not understanding your feelings. Your SO should have a talk with her...he doesnt have to be rude...just let her know we are no longer together and our kids are grown. The kids don't need mommy to go to every event with them anymore...You are a better women then I am. I could not deal with that crap. I understand for the kids birthday party (if they have them anymore) but thats as far as it would go with me.


justahousewife
by on May. 7, 2012 at 1:14 PM

Because his birthday is always close to mother's day. Same goes with father's day because that happens to be close to his mom's birthday. Which in all purposes is great, besides the one little inconvenience of her participation.

It's his family who hosts Mother's Day and SO's mom's birthday and of course they include him in both for the reasons above. 

It's just basically really bad timing of holidays and birthdays.

Quoting newwife1:

Why would she be at her ex husband's birthday celebration? That's not appropriate at all

Mother's Day is a different story, she should be with her kids on Mother's Day.


newwife1
by Silver Member on May. 7, 2012 at 1:16 PM
1 mom liked this

Maybe you should start hosting your SO's birthday celebration and Father's Day and then you can control who is invited.

There is no reason for his ex to be at his birthday dinner or Father's Day or even his mother's birthday

It's weird.

Quoting justahousewife:

Because his birthday is always close to mother's day. Same goes with father's day because that happens to be close to his mom's birthday. Which in all purposes is great, besides the one little inconvenience of her participation.

It's his family who hosts Mother's Day and SO's mom's birthday and of course they include him in both for the reasons above. 

It's just basically really bad timing of holidays and birthdays.

Quoting newwife1:

Why would she be at her ex husband's birthday celebration? That's not appropriate at all

Mother's Day is a different story, she should be with her kids on Mother's Day.



sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 7, 2012 at 1:18 PM

Sounds to me that BM has no life beyond what she had with your SO. :-(  At this point, a really OLD OLD OLD saying comes to mind (and it's an old song about a woman of ill repute), "She's more to be pitied than censored."  I think this fits with what BM does.

You could always say to her, "Hey, that's so nice that you have great memories about that period of your life.  Anything going on right now that's new and exciting that you're doing??"  And then share a story about a GREAT thing that you and SO have done together.  She may get sick of you gushing about the great time you're having PRESENTLY and quit going on and on and on about her past and just shut up to avoid you talking about the latest GREAT thing you and SO did! LOL

lilangilyn
by on May. 7, 2012 at 1:20 PM
1 mom liked this

Batt your eyes at her and say "How nice" to everything that comes out of her mouth. Even if she is describing a hurrican say how nice and batt your eyes. She will decided you are nuts and won't talk to you anymore.

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 7, 2012 at 1:22 PM
1 mom liked this

LMAO!  I heard that in the South, this phrase is the equivalent to "Eat shit, and DIE!" LOL

Quoting Ms.Gwen:



2) repeat "well, bless your heart!" to everything she says



Quoting justahousewife:

LOL Yea. Getting the fuck over it is in the title, I just phrased it differently; being the bigger person = putting up with her bs in order to not cause more drama. Tips on how to stay sane while doing so is what I was seeking. I know what I have to do, what I don't know is how to do it while not pulling my hair out. LMAO 

You see?  


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Well then... Take responsibility for the decision you have made to pander to her BS then. That leaves you with 2 options.



1) don't go.



2) get the fuck over it.





Quoting justahousewife:

I've always just tried to just be civil and polite. SO has always appreciated that quality in me and his family says so also. Most of these family deals tend to be in close spaces, so I'm lucky if there is more than one table to sit at. When it comes to the rest of his family I like that, we can spend hours chatting about whatever before, during and after the meal. So by walking away, I'm removing myself from his family too which I really don't want to put that space between us. I genuinely like his family and they let me know they think I'm good for him. 

It would be nice if someone else played the bad-guy because by even ignoring her I tend to get her hackles up and then her children are stuck with the mess after the holiday is over. I can only imagine the drama that would arise from actually telling her not to talk to me. LOL As good as it would feel just to say it I don't think anything beneficial would come from it.

Idk. 



Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Have you ever told the woman "I don't want to hear it." or "please don't talk to me."? Or just walk away and ignore her? The skids are adults. They know their mom is starting shit. You don't have to play nice. Get some boudaries and enforce them!

 



 



justahousewife
by on May. 7, 2012 at 1:26 PM

With his mom's ailing health about the only way I could keep the traditions going would be to ask to host them where she lives (SO's sister's home) or count his mom out of things which again with ailing health that doesn't hardly seem right. 

Eventually those two holidays/bdays won't be an issue for obvious reasons but until then... 

It's an oddity that's forsure. 

Quoting newwife1:

Maybe you should start hosting your SO's birthday celebration and Father's Day and then you can control who is invited.

There is no reason for his ex to be at his birthday dinner or Father's Day or even his mother's birthday

It's weird.

Quoting justahousewife:

Because his birthday is always close to mother's day. Same goes with father's day because that happens to be close to his mom's birthday. Which in all purposes is great, besides the one little inconvenience of her participation.

It's his family who hosts Mother's Day and SO's mom's birthday and of course they include him in both for the reasons above. 

It's just basically really bad timing of holidays and birthdays.

Quoting newwife1:

Why would she be at her ex husband's birthday celebration? That's not appropriate at all

Mother's Day is a different story, she should be with her kids on Mother's Day.




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