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Ill be honest... *update*

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I dont have the same exact love for my sk's as I do my dd and ds.... I love them as my own and treat them as my own but I "feel" differently.. Its really hard to explain. Or maybe not, maybe some of you relate?

Also...
1. Do you feel that sm and bd shouldnt be together if sm cant form a bond with sk's?
2.Do you feel its harder to bond with older sk's?
3.Do you sometimes dread eowe visits?
4.Do you feel your so has a stronger bond with your children together than he does his kids he sees eowe?

In my opinion my answer to 1 is... No, if sm and bd are in love and commited then sm's bond with sk's has little to nothing to do with their relationship. It can make it very hard but sometimes sk's bm has them so brain washed, that its impossible to "bond"
2. I do feel its harder to bond with older sk's because they understand more and have formed opinions and been "taught" a certain way.. meaning bm can trash talk and they understand, and since its their mom they just go with it

*Thank you to all you lovely sm's who took the time to comment.. I think maybe being 8 months pregnant and trying to force myself to "feel" the same about my sk's as I do my bio kids got the best of me last night and I needed to vent in a way.
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by on May. 8, 2012 at 12:40 AM
Replies (21-30):
Moms2NTwins
by on May. 8, 2012 at 9:08 AM


Quoting braezmommy89:

I dont have the same exact love for my sk's as I do my dd and ds.... I love them as my own and treat them as my own but I "feel" differently.. Its really hard to explain. Or maybe not, maybe some of you relate?

Also...
1. Do you feel that sm and bd shouldnt be together if sm cant form a bond with sk's?  not so much, if it were abusive circumstances yes but I dont think the relationship between SP and SK should make or break a relationship in most circumstances
2.Do you feel its harder to bond with older sk's?  no, I have been in skids lives since ss was 6 1/2 and sd was 2...I am much, much closer to SS. I imagine 12+'ish would pose that problem more
3.Do you sometimes dread eowe visits?  yes, yes, yes :o/
4.Do you feel your so has a stronger bond with your children together than he does his kids he sees eowe?  yes I honestly do :o/

In my opinion my answer to 1 is... No, if sm and bd are in love and commited then sm's bond with sk's has little to nothing to do with their relationship. It can make it very hard but sometimes sk's bm has them so brain washed, that its impossible to "bond"
2. I do feel its harder to bond with older sk's because they understand more and have formed opinions and been "taught" a certain way.. meaning bm can trash talk and they understand, and since its their mom they just go with it


wife to Ron and proud 

momma to 4 kiddos b(15) b(9) & my twins b/g(6) bonus kids: b(14) g(9)

http://www.truthforsophia.com/ 

weirdkids
by Member on May. 8, 2012 at 9:42 AM


Quoting braezmommy89:

I dont have the same exact love for my sk's as I do my dd and ds.... I love them as my own and treat them as my own but I "feel" differently.. Its really hard to explain. Or maybe not, maybe some of you relate?

Also...
1. Do you feel that sm and bd shouldnt be together if sm cant form a bond with sk's? yes. i feel that the kids are just as much a part of the relationship as you are.
2.Do you feel its harder to bond with older sk's? at first i didnt bond well with my 14yo sd but now were good. shes a good kid. she actually plans to move in next year
3.Do you sometimes dread eowe visits? we have custody of ss so that isnt a concern  i do fret over him going to bms though
4.Do you feel your so has a stronger bond with your children together than he does his kids he sees eowe? no. however i did notice that he has a better bond with MY dd than i do lol shes daddys little girl. he is the only dad she ever had so she sticks to him like glue

In my opinion my answer to 1 is... No, if sm and bd are in love and commited then sm's bond with sk's has little to nothing to do with their relationship. It can make it very hard but sometimes sk's bm has them so brain washed, that its impossible to "bond"
2. I do feel its harder to bond with older sk's because they understand more and have formed opinions and been "taught" a certain way.. meaning bm can trash talk and they understand, and since its their mom they just go with it

i love my skids. they are awesome. dh has an awsome bond with my dd and i have an awesome bond with ss. it works out. 

braezmommy89
by on May. 8, 2012 at 10:01 AM
I think thats normal!! Its been 3 years for me and im still overwhelmed at times....

How old is your ss?


Quoting Bunni23:

Ok. This whole time I dont feel a bond with ss. Sometimes I do adore him. But I felt like a horriable person for not having more feelings like his dad does. It confuses me plus being pregnant plus taking care of him is exhausting. Not only that but having big life changes...



Quoting braezmommy89:

My sk's bm is HORRIBLE to them and it breaks my heart.. Horrible in a sense she doesnt teach them manners, she talks trash about df and I in front of the kids and includes them in the convo, she tells them they are more important to df than our 2 together, she calls them fat ugly stupid, she refuses to buy them their bare essentials even WITH cs shed rather get tattoos, she tells them not to listen to us, she talks about her sex life in front of them.. The list goes on.


So when df tries to correct their behavior they end up crying and telling bm hes being mean and they dont want to come over.. They have played the divorce pretty well...





Its getting better with time and consistency but its draining emotionally and physically.. for both of us, and we have had to pull ourselves together and not let it break us apart cause thats exactly what bm wants and is trying to do.






Quoting Bunni23:

Im going to be a sm & to be honest its hard to bond with sk. I would never hurt them. But it doesnt feel the same. But in the past I have felt protective if I ever heard bm wanting to some how hurt him, emotionally or what ever then I feel my maternal instincts kick in. I do it cause I love my df.


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E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on May. 8, 2012 at 10:54 AM

Very well said Ms. Gwen.

I especially love the part in red.

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

This. I don't have bios, but it's still not possible to treat them like my own even though I'm a CSM. If they were my own I would do so much more for them! I wouldn't put off making doctors appts. I would do their homework or atleast review it with them every night. I wouldn't hold back fearing hurt or rejection. I would punish them immediately instead of sending them to their room until dad gets home. Those punishments would be much harsher. With my skids I try to play the good guy. Etc.
It's just not possible to love them like your own, so how would it ever be possible to treat them that way? I don't know why society has this impossible expectation of SMs. Being a SM is much more complicated than that! Every sitch is diffrent and you can't dictate love. Instead I changed my goal to loving them like family. That is achievable, cause I do love them very much and they truly are my family.




andie646c
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2012 at 11:00 AM

It's not always easy to form a bond with a child that isn't yours and that you have little to no say over. Your ability to "bond" effectively should have SOMETHING to do with the relationship but probably isn't one of those crucial things. 

I dread visits all of the time. From what I've read here, it seems a bit "normal" although quite emotionally draining and can damage your relationship with your spouse if not handled well.

SO has a stronger bond with his EOWE visiting children and it is already obvious that he won't really form much of a bond with our daughter together.

braezmommy89
by on May. 8, 2012 at 11:09 AM
Why wont he form much of a bond with her?? :/


Quoting andie646c:

It's not always easy to form a bond with a child that isn't yours and that you have little to no say over. Your ability to "bond" effectively should have SOMETHING to do with the relationship but probably isn't one of those crucial things. 

I dread visits all of the time. From what I've read here, it seems a bit "normal" although quite emotionally draining and can damage your relationship with your spouse if not handled well.

SO has a stronger bond with his EOWE visiting children and it is already obvious that he won't really form much of a bond with our daughter together.


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newstepmom61811
by on May. 8, 2012 at 11:14 AM
I couldn't have said it better!


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

This. I don't have bios, but it's still not possible to treat them like my own even though I'm a CSM. If they were my own I would do so much more for them! I wouldn't put off making doctors appts. I would do their homework or atleast review it with them every night. I wouldn't hold back fearing hurt or rejection. I would punish them immediately instead of sending them to their room until dad gets home. Those punishments would be much harsher. With my skids I try to play the good guy. Etc.

It's just not possible to love them like your own, so how would it ever be possible to treat them that way? I don't know why society has this impossible expectation of SMs. Being a SM is much more complicated than that! Every sitch is diffrent and you can't dictate love. Instead I changed my goal to loving them like family. That is achievable, cause I do love them very much and they truly are my family.




Quoting E_is_4_Ethan:

Good question. The answer is...no. They have a mom. Your roll as a eowe SM is to be like the fun auntie type. 

I'm CSM to 3 SK's and 2 bio and I also raised my brother. I have been CSM for 7yrs, and I don't treat my SK's the same. I have higher standards for my kids. I cuddle more with my kids, and yes....I feel guilty about it at times. Then I remind myself that my Sk's need affection too. Being a SM is the hardest job in the world. The affection doesn't just come naturally. 


Quoting braezmommy89:

Is it possible to treat them as your own and not love them as your own??





No sarcasm.. im serious...








Quoting E_is_4_Ethan:

I dont have the same exact love for my sk's as I do my dd and ds That is normal!!.... I love them as my own and treat them as my own but I "feel" differently.. Its really hard to explain. They are not yours, so you do not love them as your own. That's the different "feel" that you have. Or maybe not, maybe some of you relate?  Yes, 99.9% of SM's relate. 

Also...
1. Do you feel that sm and bd shouldnt be together if sm cant form a bond with sk's?  No, I don't feel that way.
2.Do you feel its harder to bond with older sk's? In my case, it wasn't. BUT every sitch is different.
3.Do you sometimes dread eowe visits? I'm CSM, but I think if I wasn't.....there would be times (alot of times) that I would dread eowe.
4.Do you feel your so has a stronger bond with your children together than he does his kids he sees eowe? I can't answer this one. We are CPs








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andie646c
by Silver Member on May. 8, 2012 at 11:41 AM

He works 110+ hours a week. On his days off he is attached to his other kids at the hip. The few hours he is home while working he is sleeping (which he needs to do, don't get me wrong ... he drives a truck for a living so it's quite dangerous if he doesn't get any sleep).

I don't even see him, I don't really see how our daughter will.

Quoting braezmommy89:

Why wont he form much of a bond with her?? :/


Quoting andie646c:

It's not always easy to form a bond with a child that isn't yours and that you have little to no say over. Your ability to "bond" effectively should have SOMETHING to do with the relationship but probably isn't one of those crucial things. 

I dread visits all of the time. From what I've read here, it seems a bit "normal" although quite emotionally draining and can damage your relationship with your spouse if not handled well.

SO has a stronger bond with his EOWE visiting children and it is already obvious that he won't really form much of a bond with our daughter together.



MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on May. 8, 2012 at 11:43 AM

My sitch is a lot different. I did bond with my SD from early on, despite her BM trying to turn her against me. Even at a very young age, she wanted to be around me and my children. I do love her like she's mine, but it is different than with my bios. Maybe if she had been older when DH and I got together it might have been different and we might not have bonded? I'm not sure. I'm glad that her and I have the relationship that we do.

Even if SD and I hadn't bonded, I'd still be with DH because I love him. It has nothing to do with the kids.

My DH loves my children just like I love his child. We treat all 3 of them the same. We don't have EOWE, we have mine full time and SD 50/50, so sorry I can't answer about weekends. I know that I always enjoy and look forward to when it's our time with SD.

Bertieb
by Bronze Member on May. 8, 2012 at 12:42 PM

The feelings you have asked about I think are all normal feelings and ok! I didn't get skids until they were grown, youngest is 17. The oldest is the nicest and friendliest because I think he sees how happy his father is with me and I truly like him and his family. The middle one doesn't come around except at Christmas but he did go on vacation with us and his  youngest brother. I think he sided with his mom in the divorce and still has issues with his dad or something. I am dad's new wife, nothing more.  The youngest is with us every other week and is shy so we haven't bonded per se but we get along fine. 

I would love to say I feel comfortable giving them a hug, or that we have had nice talks, but we aren't at that point yet, hopefully someday!

I think if I were the primary mother from a very early age I would probably grow to love them very much.  I would make an effort to make young SK's feel secure and loved like my own, but if they were young and had a mother I would try to be the good Auntie.

I don't "love" my teen and older skids and I don't expect my DH to "love" my kids either. I definitely don't expect them to love me!! The marriage and relationship is about us loving each other, and then respecting, caring, and nurturing our children together in a positive environment. I feel like all the children have had divorce trauma to deal with in our past and now I want them to feel secure and calm, and like their life is settled again. I want them to feel they can trust us be there whether they love us or not. 

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