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I am so very sad

Posted by on May. 8, 2012 at 9:31 AM
  • 22 Replies

First, I would like to say that the stepmom central has helped me immensely.  At least I don't feel so alone and ashamed of some feelings that I have.  Thank you all for that.

So here is my story:

Five years ago I met a wonderful man and fell in love.  Two years ago he asked me to marry him and we have been engaged since, but have not married.  We both have a daughter who are only a month apart in age and attend the same school sytem.  They are each 10.  He has an 18 year old son from his first marriage.  His daughter's mother, he never married.  We do not have any birth children together. 

We were both very sincer and concerned about blending our families.  He had a bad experience with the way his daughter's mother treated his son and even though they are closer today.  The meanness and verbal abuse that he experienced from her has tainted their relationship forever.  So, he naturally has a sense of over-protectiveness and regret about that envolvment. 

We started things out very slow and for the first few years didn't stay over each other's homes if the children were home.  We finally moved in together, sold his house and was trying to sell mine and bought a house together that we moved into last July.

Here's what is NOT the problem:  Great guy, love him to death.  Without the kids around we are a match made in heaven and have a great time together with lots of love and passion.  First wife is great, get along with her fine.  His parents and family adore me and my daughter.

Here is what IS the problem: BM of his second child is a mom who is very selfish, self-absorbed, high maintenance and basically a bully and a bitch.  I can't tell you how many times she has used the "damsdell in distress" routine and has used her daughter to get my fiance to "save the day".  Next is his daughter who is a "mini mom" in the making.  She manipulates her father.  But what is worse is that she is mean and bullies my daughter.  This is to only name a few.  She pushes my duaghter up the stairs at school, says she is going to play with her then bails, whenever she is getting good attention, she finds a way to ruin it.  When they were younger, she often time physically hurt her.  These two kids couldn't be anymore oppposite.  My daughter is involved in sports, music and has wonderful friends.  His daughter is on the computer at least 4 hours a day and is very introverted and expresses some very strange anger and anxiety.  Without going into grave detail, I was very concerned about her behavior and thought that this should be looked into.  His whole family sees it, i can't tell you how many parents from school have expressed concerns and they check with me to make sure she is not there if they let their child over to my home to play with my daughter.  I originally thought it was just their age and they would grow out of it, but that hasn't happened things have just gotten worse to the point that the guidence office brought me in because they were concerned about my daughter's mental well being with her affilication wtih his daughter.  Anyway, ever since i expressed my concern, my fiance has been in battle with me ever since and everytime something happened he would attack me and he would actually seek to find something wrong with my daughter.  At one point i had a great relationship with his son, but his dad fills him in on every detail of our relationship and know stalks my every move at home, where i go, who with, how much i drink, etc. and tells his father everything!  It got to a point where the three of them just ganged up on us and totally made us feel excluded, judged us for every minor move.  It was us against them! 

Now, if you knew me you would know that i am not a conflict driven person.  They totally drove me to a breaking point and i had to do what was best for my daughter and myself.  Thankfully my house didn't sell, due to the market.  I pulled most of my stuff out of there and moved me and my duaghter back home.  We left a beautiful home and a beautiful neighborhood and what i thought was the most wonderful man and love of my life. 

I feel so sad.  It has been three months and my daughter is back up on her feet and prospering.  The stress is just gone.  Everyone said i made the right decision and it is clear that his children have issues.  I feel stripped of everything i had dreamt for us and our children and future life together.  I am not one to iniate fights, but strong enough to know when i am being bullied and taken advantage of and i am super mad at him for not supporting me, especially when i told him i was having a hard time dealing with it.  He gave no respect to our relationship and just stood by his kids at all costs.  He just showed them how to be more angry and supported their abusive behavior to me and my duaghter. 

I knew this wouldn't be easy and i thought we were mature, educated enough people to handle it.  I guess not!  I am just so sad and don't know if anything can be salvaged at this point.  I am very resentful to his children and if i never hear or see his ex's name or face again, it would be the best thing ever!  She caused so many unneccessary insecurities and she is raising her child to become nothing more than a disaster in the waiting. There was drama every day.  OMG if you only knew the drama i dealt with.   I feel bad for the kids and tried so hard to help.  I was always there, cared for his kids at a moments notice when the mom couldn't be there.  i have been nothing but good and decent to those kids and i got treated like crap.  I just don't get it????

All was going good until we moved intogether.  The only time this man and i fought was about the kids!  the whole thing is just so very sad and unnecessary.  I guess i just needed to vent and utilize the central for a little support.

by on May. 8, 2012 at 9:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
by on May. 8, 2012 at 9:40 AM
Wow! I support ur decision. Sounds like u made a great choice! I hope everything works out for u and ur.daughter!
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by on May. 8, 2012 at 9:47 AM
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How to turn your wife into an evil stepmother

Tips on what NOT to do in a stepfamily*
these are things that a husband should take every precaution to AVOID if he wants a successful marriage.

1. Give your wife all the childcare responsibilities and spend nearly no time with your children.

Be sure that she is doing everything for the kids. Make sure that it is her responsibility to give the kids baths, get their homework done, get driven everywhere, and fed. This way you are ensured that she will be resentful. There are many husbands who find this method very effective for turning their wives into evil stepmoms. Maybe you are working, maybe you are taking care of the yard, maybe you are fixing the cars, whatever your heroic excuse is for not spending time with your children you will have your wife feeling unappreciated and misunderstood in no time.

2. Insist that your wife take on all, or atleast most, of the household chores,

don't forget to have her clean your children's rooms as well. Don't do themyourself, you need to spend time with your children. This is especially effective if you and your children are having a LOT of fun while your wife is doing housework, especially if she is picking up after you guys. Make certain that you and your children leave all the dishes from dinner after she cooked for all of you, and then go off and do your own things while she cleans the kitchen. If you want to be especially effective in this area, never ever praise her hard work or thank her for it.

3. Don't discipline your children, make her do it

Not only is it fun to watch her go crazy, but it fulfills your plan of making her into an evil stepmom! Pretend not to notice their behavior and wait to see how long it takes your wife to do something about it. This way, you don't have to be the bad guy who is disciplining your children AND your children are getting disciplined! Isn't that the best of both worlds?

It is even more helpful to hug and pamper the children, telling them how sorry you are that your mean wifedisciplined them. Be sure that they know that your wife was out of line and mean. A very effective way to do this is to yell at your wife in front of the kids for the way that she disciplined them. This will frustrate your wife and make her discipline your kids even harsher the next time that they act up, making her look even worse. Which, of course, makes you look like more of a good guy! Your wife will resent you and your children but at least your kids are getting the discipline that you know they need and you come out looking like their hero.

4. Expect your wife to love your children just as much as you do.

Even though she has not had the time to bond with them that you have had. If you force her to love them that will make her uncomfortable and awkward not to mention resentful. An added bonus is to have a double standard and not expect your children to love her

5. Be sure to love up on your wife when your children are not home and not when they are there.

Treat her like a princess, rub her back and doall the little things that you know she loves. This way, she is sure to feel the sting of you ignoring her when your children are home. She will resent their presence in your home and dread their arrivals which will of course lead to her being the evil stepmom that you want.

6. Talk about your past like it was the good old days

This works especially well when your children are with you because then you guys can talk about all kinds of events that your wife was not at, assuring that she will be left out of the conversation. But even when your children are not home you can tell your wife about all the great times that are long gone. Talk about how great things were with your children and the things you did together before she was in the picture.

7. Interfere when your children and your wife are having a dispute.

You wouldn't want them to work it out on their own and build their relationship in the process. If you were to let them work out their disputes themselves they would be working together and you can'thave that if you want your wife to be an evil stepmom. Be sure to jump right in on their fight and of course you want to take your children's side. They could stop seeing you as a hero if you stood up to them for your wife. To make sure that you remain in hero status, be sure to reprimand your wife for arguing with your children, and if you can throw in words like immature and mean that is especially helpful.

Now that you know these effective techniques to creating an evil stepmom, you are ready to start! You will have an angry, bitter and resentful wife in no time flat if you can follow all, or at least most, of the steps listed here. These are tried and true ways of turning wives into evil stepmothers.

I'm sorry you got hurt mama. Until that man gets this ^^^ and takes responsibility for his part in his failed relationships.... He's just not worth your time. Don't blame the BM. Even if she is a complete psycho drama whore, it's still BDs job to maintain boundaries. You did the right thing for you and your DD.
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by on May. 8, 2012 at 9:54 AM
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I think you did the right thing. Your own daughter is prospering and you don't have the stress of the skids and BM. This man wasn't the one for you. If he had been, he would have supported you and not allowed or facilitated the ganging up and other abusive behavior.

Marriage is very, very difficult. With stepchildren it is even more difficult. Thank your lucky stars that you were not legally entangled. Hugs.

by on May. 8, 2012 at 9:56 AM
Even though its hard you can see you made the right choice. You said yourself your daughter is doing better and with time hopefully you will too. Without him backing you it was headed down a bad road.
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by on May. 8, 2012 at 10:09 AM

Can you keep the relationship in separate homes for about the next 6 to 7 years? Maybe it could get creative and fun ? I could see some advantages to that arrangement. Things should settle down in a few years. You could consider a zone variance or looking into charter schools for your daughter - they are free and usually have some advantages to your child. It is less about what is right or wrong, and more about manageing the situation just as it is. All step families have challenges although yours seem a bit extreme. I wish you all the best.

by on May. 8, 2012 at 10:17 AM

Thank you.  This was very helpful.  He did gang up on me with his kids and defended them and called me a hypocrit.  Example:  My daughter would say "mom, she took my ball without asking and went into my room".  His daughter would say "dad, she took my ball without asking and went into my room.  She would get in my duaghter's face and scream at the top of her lungs "I hate you"!  Yet, he says that i think it's ok for my daughter not to be punished when she did the same thing.  I said, your daughter brought it to an abusive level!  He just doesn't get it and calls me a hypocrit and therefore reinforces her behavior.  That is only one example, OMG I feel so bad for what I put my daughter through.

by Bronze Member on May. 8, 2012 at 10:17 AM

 wow.i feel like ur story could've been a preview,in some ways,of the relationship i was just in.i think it took alot on ur part to make the decision u did,but it is the best.stand strong.things these days are just too damn complicated.everything happens for a reason.hang in there!!!

by on May. 8, 2012 at 10:23 AM

I did think of that, but how would I feel about merging family gatherings at the Holidays, etc.  My daughter got a metal musical stand for a present from his mother (it cost alll of $15) and his daughter had this huge meltdown because she thought she got a better gift than her.  These meltdowns and tantrums (still at age 10) last at least 1/2 hour to an hour.

I am not convinced things will change.

by on May. 8, 2012 at 10:28 AM

You are right that it won't change. People stay basically the same.(Courtesy of Dr. Phil!) But kids do eventually grow up and move out.

by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 8, 2012 at 10:42 AM
1 mom liked this

You made the best decision.  You seem to be, by far, the more intelligent and mature person in that one-sided relationship.  One thing everyone says about kids and your relationships, you DON'T drag your children into what's going on.  He did that...he involved his son and probably encouraged him to keep an eye on you and report back to him.  Unfortunately, sometimes love isn't enough.  Blending families isn't easy and if your SO can't and won't cooperate with managing his children (or getting them help, as his daughter seems to need), that's just a recipe for disaster.

As far as I'm concerned, your former SO lost out on a mature and loving woman.  HE fucked up, not you.  There are plenty of fish in the sea...believe me.  My husband left when our son was a year old.  Our son's now going to be 21 in June.  I FINALLY found a good man and we're getting married this August! :-)  It just takes time.  You're doing the wise thing.  Leave him behind, heal, and start all over again.  You'll find someone that deserves your attention when the time is right.  You can do it!

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