Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

Just need advice and or words of wisdom

Posted by on May. 8, 2012 at 4:55 PM
  • 12 Replies

I am not a step mom, but my BF has 3 kids fromprevious relationship and I have 2 kids from a previous relationship and share 2 together. Currently BF is in Afghanistan and will be there for a year. Bf's mom came out here to help me for whenever his kids would come to visit. BM and BM's girlfriend had made it very clear after BF had left that the kids were only to be coming over to see BF's mom(grandma). BF's mom was here when he first left but ended up leaving when BM's girlfriend tried to cause problems in our home and stated that the kids would be only here cause of the grandma or if they need a babysitter.

BM and BM's girlfriend do not like me at all and have made it obvious with statements made. However, they want me to be available to watch the kids and if I am not available they make contact with BF letting him know. He has told them that they can bring the kids by anytime which he should not have stated to them. Don't get me wrong I love his kids and they too love me; we get along real good. But it is difficult to watch all of our kids by myself; too much especially when I have an infant.  I don't mind his kids coming every now and then, but that's it. BM and BM's girlfriend stated to me the 7 year old girl is real bad and does not listen, but want me to care for her. All three kids have ADHD and can be overwhelming at times. I have my own children to take care of and have other things to take care of. They are using me to be a babysitter and I am not a babysitter; though me and BF are not married I would like to think of myself more than just a babysitter to the kids. BF makes me feel bad if I don't want them to come over and I feel he should not do that to me. It's not like he is here caring for them, its me.  I want to see the kids but not for long periods of time.

Oh and BM has her GF speak for her. GF commincates what goes on with kids to BF and when Kids come over GF drops them off and speaks. I don't like that one bit and have chosen from this point on not to deal with GF cause I just don't like her and plus she is not the mother of the kids. BF was not happy when I told him this, but oh well. Told him if he chooses to deal with the GF then so be it, I am not and don't have to.

 I just feel so conflicted.

by on May. 8, 2012 at 4:55 PM
Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 8, 2012 at 5:11 PM
1 mom liked this

BF has no right to make you feel bad for not babysitting his kids. What does he care anyway, he's not even there.

Tell them you are not available to babysit. End of story.

shayleo1
by on May. 8, 2012 at 5:21 PM
See I don't get why he cares either. But I'm made out to be the bad guy anyways for not wanting to


Quoting whatIknownow:

BF has no right to make you feel bad for not babysitting his kids. What does he care anyway, he's not even there.

Tell them you are not available to babysit. End of story.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 8, 2012 at 5:31 PM
This exactly.

What are YOU getting out of this relationship?

I'm not bashing, but my stance would be as follows:
#1 We aren't married
#2 I am not getting paid to baby sit
#3 You aren't here so who is this visitation for?
#4 don't dump your crappy ex situation on me
#5. I love your kids but since you are not here and I am overwhelmed, you and bm should figure out alternative care


Honestly, op why would you put up with a man who dumps this type of situation on you? He's not there. His ex sucks. They (bm, dh) are using you, complaing about you and being vile.

I hope he is financially supporting the kids you have together and that you have a good long term financial plan.


Quoting whatIknownow:

BF has no right to make you feel bad for not babysitting his kids. What does he care anyway, he's not even there.

Tell them you are not available to babysit. End of story.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
shayleo1
by on May. 8, 2012 at 5:39 PM
See I get all of your points. He says he wants the kids we share and the kids he has with ex to spend time together.

Other than this bs, he is good. But this is almost enough to push me over the edge. He does support our kids and our household. I am working on the long term financial plan just in case needed.


Quoting chanizen:

This exactly.



What are YOU getting out of this relationship?



I'm not bashing, but my stance would be as follows:

#1 We aren't married

#2 I am not getting paid to baby sit

#3 You aren't here so who is this visitation for?

#4 don't dump your crappy ex situation on me

#5. I love your kids but since you are not here and I am overwhelmed, you and bm should figure out alternative care





Honestly, op why would you put up with a man who dumps this type of situation on you? He's not there. His ex sucks. They (bm, dh) are using you, complaing about you and being vile.



I hope he is financially supporting the kids you have together and that you have a good long term financial plan.




Quoting whatIknownow:

BF has no right to make you feel bad for not babysitting his kids. What does he care anyway, he's not even there.

Tell them you are not available to babysit. End of story.



Posted on CafeMom Mobile
pepper504
by Gold Member on May. 8, 2012 at 5:46 PM

It sucks because you are stuck in the middle with him being away.  You two need to sit down and learn how to communicate.  Well, he does at least.  He needs to learn to clear things with you before obligating you to something that you cannot handle on your own.  I am sure that it would be different if his mother was there to help, but it is you with 7 kids.  Sheez, that's enough to set anyone off. 

Hugs.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 8, 2012 at 5:54 PM
Then I would tell him this: blending families is a lot of work. And we can work on that when you are here.

Without you here, I have 7 kids including our infant and am upset and overwhelmed. I got into this relationship because I love you. But right now I feel like your babysitter. That is not good for me, my kids, your kids and it is not good for us.


Quoting shayleo1:

See I get all of your points. He says he wants the kids we share and the kids he has with ex to spend time together.



Other than this bs, he is good. But this is almost enough to push me over the edge. He does support our kids and our household. I am working on the long term financial plan just in case needed.




Quoting chanizen:

This exactly.





What are YOU getting out of this relationship?





I'm not bashing, but my stance would be as follows:


#1 We aren't married


#2 I am not getting paid to baby sit


#3 You aren't here so who is this visitation for?


#4 don't dump your crappy ex situation on me


#5. I love your kids but since you are not here and I am overwhelmed, you and bm should figure out alternative care








Honestly, op why would you put up with a man who dumps this type of situation on you? He's not there. His ex sucks. They (bm, dh) are using you, complaing about you and being vile.





I hope he is financially supporting the kids you have together and that you have a good long term financial plan.






Quoting whatIknownow:

BF has no right to make you feel bad for not babysitting his kids. What does he care anyway, he's not even there.

Tell them you are not available to babysit. End of story.




Posted on CafeMom Mobile
shayleo1
by on May. 8, 2012 at 5:57 PM
Yes i feel like I'm in the middleand he does not get that it is overwhelming. And sometimes i just dont want to watch them.



Quoting pepper504:

It sucks because you are stuck in the middle with him being away.  You two need to sit down and learn how to communicate.  Well, he does at least.  He needs to learn to clear things with you before obligating you to something that you cannot handle on your own.  I am sure that it would be different if his mother was there to help, but it is you with 7 kids.  Sheez, that's enough to set anyone off. 

Hugs.


Posted on CafeMom Mobile
MommyTo5Boys
by Member on May. 9, 2012 at 8:47 AM

 If it were me I would ask for dates that they need someone to watch the kids and get back to them on what dates work for you. No you are not a babysitter so you should not be available whenever BM feels like it. You are however mother to SK siblings and while BF is away it is your duty to make sure that the kids are still there for one another when dad can't be.

If you are feeling this way then chances are the SK's know it and can feel it when they are in your home and soon enough they are going to resent you making this whole situation even worse.

Get the dates that she needs you, and get back to her with the dates that you are willing to have the SK over. If she has a problem with that then at least you know you tried, if she doesn't that the kids still all get to see each other and you get to keep your sanity. Either way it's a win-win.

~*~ Mommy to 5 amazing boys & Wife to 1 wonderful husband ~*~

shayleo1
by on May. 9, 2012 at 12:18 PM


Quoting MommyTo5Boys:

 If it were me I would ask for dates that they need someone to watch the kids and get back to them on what dates work for you. No you are not a babysitter so you should not be available whenever BM feels like it. You are however mother to SK siblings and while BF is away it is your duty to make sure that the kids are still there for one another when dad can't be.

If you are feeling this way then chances are the SK's know it and can feel it when they are in your home and soon enough they are going to resent you making this whole situation even worse.

Get the dates that she needs you, and get back to her with the dates that you are willing to have the SK over. If she has a problem with that then at least you know you tried, if she doesn't that the kids still all get to see each other and you get to keep your sanity. Either way it's a win-win.


I can assure you that his children do not know how I feel with regard to the situation of BM and BM's girlfriend. When we are together we have a good time, there is never a dull moment. As stated I love them and they love me. I do not talk ill about BM and BM's girlfriend to the children or around the children. They however admittedly talk about me and dad in front of the children. The children come to us telling us what is being said.

I however do not feel it is my DUTY as you put for them to be there for each other. I am not going to have her to supply me with dates for when she needs me to watch the kids. I will however supply her with dates for when I would like to see the children and for all children to spend time together. It will not be on her terms, it will be on my terms since I am the one that will be watching all 7 kids at once giving her time to do what she likes.

MommyTo5Boys
by Member on May. 9, 2012 at 3:33 PM

Well, I guess I understand a lil more of why BM has a lil additude towards you .....
If you ask for advice you're going to get it, if you didn't want it them don't ask .... simple as that.


And yes I do feel that if you choose to have children with someone that already has children and is serving our country therefore can not facilitae the visits then if you are an unselfish person and want to do what is right for the children then you are the one that is responsible for making sure the kids are still able to have a relationship with one another.

Also, Whether you say anything to them or not, I can be that the kids do know  something is going on and I can also be that they don't like it! Kids know whats going on whether you believe they do or not! 

But if I was the BM i would be sitting in the car and not talking to you either if this is the way you choose to resopnd to simple helpful advice when you were the one who wanted it!

 

 

 

Quoting shayleo1:

 

Quoting MommyTo5Boys:

 If it were me I would ask for dates that they need someone to watch the kids and get back to them on what dates work for you. No you are not a babysitter so you should not be available whenever BM feels like it. You are however mother to SK siblings and while BF is away it is your duty to make sure that the kids are still there for one another when dad can't be.

If you are feeling this way then chances are the SK's know it and can feel it when they are in your home and soon enough they are going to resent you making this whole situation even worse.

Get the dates that she needs you, and get back to her with the dates that you are willing to have the SK over. If she has a problem with that then at least you know you tried, if she doesn't that the kids still all get to see each other and you get to keep your sanity. Either way it's a win-win.


I can assure you that his children do not know how I feel with regard to the situation of BM and BM's girlfriend. When we are together we have a good time, there is never a dull moment. As stated I love them and they love me. I do not talk ill about BM and BM's girlfriend to the children or around the children. They however admittedly talk about me and dad in front of the children. The children come to us telling us what is being said.

I however do not feel it is my DUTY as you put for them to be there for each other. I am not going to have her to supply me with dates for when she needs me to watch the kids. I will however supply her with dates for when I would like to see the children and for all children to spend time together. It will not be on her terms, it will be on my terms since I am the one that will be watching all 7 kids at once giving her time to do what she likes.

 

~*~ Mommy to 5 amazing boys & Wife to 1 wonderful husband ~*~

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)