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"If I had it to do over" List

Posted by on May. 9, 2012 at 12:04 PM
  • 17 Replies

I found this on www.smoms.org

What do you think of this SM's list? Do you agree with any of it? (I have summarized it, as she had tons more added. go to the website to see the full version.)



1. Ask my husband to refer to his ex-wife as his child's mom. This new title would eliminate any subtle reminders of their past connection.

2. Never send anything to biomom's house without being prepared never to see it again.

3. Tell my beloved, not to tell me or show me any communication between him and his ex-wife, since there is a high risk it would upset me or stress me out. I would ask that he would tell me the end result of their discussions so I would stay informed on issues that impact me or our household.

4. Get a notarized letter written by my husband, stating I have permission to act on behalf of my husband in regard's to his child's health, transportation to and from school, and represent him at school events.

5. Not sheild my skid from his biomom's words and actions. I'd share the facts, without editorializing, then focus my attention on helping my skid cope with the consequences of her actions.

6. Accept that the initial attitude of the biomom's attitude toward me is going to last and I'd adjust my actions accordingly not to put myself in her harm's way.

7. Be discerning and wise about the things I do for my skid right from the start.

8. Discuss and discuss and discuss the "house rules" with my beloved before living with the skids.

9. Work deeply on my quest to "take nothing personally".

10. Use my creativity to invent and celebrate new family rituals, holidays and vacations with the kids whenever possible.

11. Do everything I could to help my husband acknowledge and deal with his divorce guilt and/or "father's fears".

12. Lastly and most important.. I would make my connection with my beloved the Number ONE priority!!


by on May. 9, 2012 at 12:04 PM
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Replies (1-10):
lilangilyn
by on May. 9, 2012 at 12:16 PM


Quoting jessiesluv:

I found this on www.smoms.org

What do you think of this SM's list? Do you agree with any of it? (I have summarized it, as she had tons more added. go to the website to see the full version.) I like it and identify with it. I added some of my own comments.

 


1. Ask my husband to refer to his ex-wife as his child's mom. This new title would eliminate any subtle reminders of their past connection. Luckily we always did this. It was by her name, her nickname or SS's mom. The same way with my ex. It was his name, nickname or children's father.

2. Never send anything to biomom's house without being prepared never to see it again. This we learned the hard way. By seeing expensive video games and clothing disappear, never to be seen again.

3. Tell my beloved, not to tell me or show me any communication between him and his ex-wife, since there is a high risk it would upset me or stress me out. I would ask that he would tell me the end result of their discussions so I would stay informed on issues that impact me or our household. This is such a good one. We do this now, but early on I was privy to too much info. Nowadays if DH asks me to read something or listen to something I say no.

4. Get a notarized letter written by my husband, stating I have permission to act on behalf of my husband in regard's to his child's health, transportation to and from school, and represent him at school events. Very good idea.

5. Not sheild my skid from his biomom's words and actions. I'd share the facts, without editorializing, then focus my attention on helping my skid cope with the consequences of her actions. This is the only one I disagree with. I don't think it is my place to discuss BM with skid.

6. Accept that the initial attitude of the biomom's attitude toward me is going to last and I'd adjust my actions accordingly not to put myself in her harm's way. Luckily I had been warned by DH. I didn't take him seriously at first because I thought it was sour grapes from the divorce, but I was a quick learner that he wasn't exaggerating.

7. Be discerning and wise about the things I do for my skid right from the start. This one is awesome. Sometimes though we feel we are being wise and discerning when we are really being obstinate and know it all.

8. Discuss and discuss and discuss the "house rules" with my beloved before living with the skids. Yes, yes, and yes!!!

9. Work deeply on my quest to "take nothing personally". Yes, again.

10. Use my creativity to invent and celebrate new family rituals, holidays and vacations with the kids whenever possible.

11. Do everything I could to help my husband acknowledge and deal with his divorce guilt and/or "father's fears". This is important and very difficult. In our case, it resulted in DH disengaging. That was not my intent, but once he realized who his kid really was, he disengaged.

12. Lastly and most important.. I would make my connection with my beloved the Number ONE priority!! Yes. And not only that connection, but don't neglect the other children, grandchildren, parents and friends. Keep them in your life and don't make the skid the only priority.



leegirl_jm
by Platinum Member on May. 9, 2012 at 12:37 PM

I think I have been pretty good at following this list from the beginning. I don't agree with number one though, he needs to refer to her by her name or 'that woman'.

jessiesluv
by on May. 9, 2012 at 12:41 PM

I was kind of surprised at #5. I would think that telling your skid the truth would make them hate you.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on May. 9, 2012 at 12:42 PM

I agree with all of them except this one.

Why would SM want to share "the facts" with the child about BM's words and actions. Unless you're sharing the positive facts about BM, sharing "the facts" is probably dangerously close to badmouthing. If the child doesn't already know "the facts," then they don't need to know. And if they did need to know, it certainly shouldn't be SM doing the telling.

Quoting jessiesluv:

5. Not sheild my skid from his biomom's words and actions. I'd share the facts, without editorializing, then focus my attention on helping my skid cope with the consequences of her actions.

jessiesluv
by on May. 9, 2012 at 12:44 PM

That's what I thought. It seems like it wouldn't help at all.

Quoting whatIknownow:

I agree with all of them except this one.

Why would SM want to share "the facts" with the child about BM's words and actions. Unless you're sharing the positive facts about BM, sharing "the facts" is probably dangerously close to badmouthing. If the child doesn't already know "the facts," then they don't need to know. And if they did need to know, it certainly shouldn't be SM doing the telling.

Quoting jessiesluv:

5. Not sheild my skid from his biomom's words and actions. I'd share the facts, without editorializing, then focus my attention on helping my skid cope with the consequences of her actions.


MommySabs
by Gold Member on May. 9, 2012 at 12:56 PM
I do not personally discuss bms actions with dss. My dh however does he is and always has been very open and honest and up front with dss about the situation. I was initially very against their discussions where he would tell dss everything. However dss now knows dh will not lie to him and dh does it in a manner not to bash or talk down about bm but just giving dss the facts of a situation. Example when they were in court renegotiating custody dh was very factual with dss. Bm had freaked dss out and told dss that dh wanted to take him away from her and if he didn't say what she told him to say then he would never see her again. Dh wanted dss to know that was not the case that they were in court so that dh could be more involved and more a part of dss's life and that dss could be a more present part of dhs family. It works for them it's not always the way to go but everyone has to figure out how to navigate their own way.


Quoting whatIknownow:

I agree with all of them except this one.

Why would SM want to share "the facts" with the child about BM's words and actions. Unless you're sharing the positive facts about BM, sharing "the facts" is probably dangerously close to badmouthing. If the child doesn't already know "the facts," then they don't need to know. And if they did need to know, it certainly shouldn't be SM doing the telling.


Quoting jessiesluv:

5. Not sheild my skid from his biomom's words and actions. I'd share the facts, without editorializing, then focus my attention on helping my skid cope with the consequences of her actions.


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Moms2NTwins
by on May. 9, 2012 at 1:07 PM

I didnt have that option, BM took it upon herself to discuss/belittle DH and myself to skids. Her actions were never shielded she pretty much acted like an effin crazy nut no matter the company 

Quoting whatIknownow:

I agree with all of them except this one.

Why would SM want to share "the facts" with the child about BM's words and actions. Unless you're sharing the positive facts about BM, sharing "the facts" is probably dangerously close to badmouthing. If the child doesn't already know "the facts," then they don't need to know. And if they did need to know, it certainly shouldn't be SM doing the telling.

Quoting jessiesluv:

5. Not sheild my skid from his biomom's words and actions. I'd share the facts, without editorializing, then focus my attention on helping my skid cope with the consequences of her actions.


wife to Ron and proud 

momma to 4 kiddos b(15) b(9) & my twins b/g(6) bonus kids: b(14) g(9)

http://www.truthforsophia.com/ 

WifeyC
by Platinum Member on May. 9, 2012 at 1:12 PM


Quoting jessiesluv:

 

1. Ask my husband to refer to his ex-wife as his child's mom. This new title would eliminate any subtle reminders of their past connection.


This is the only one I didn't agree with.  I never had an issue with BM because she was his first wife, first love, Mother of his born son, etc. 

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on May. 9, 2012 at 1:17 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting WifeyC:


Quoting jessiesluv:

 

1. Ask my husband to refer to his ex-wife as his child's mom. This new title would eliminate any subtle reminders of their past connection.


This is the only one I didn't agree with.  I never had an issue with BM because she was his first wife, first love, Mother of his born son, etc. 

I never had an issue with that either. DH swears up and down that he never really loved her, but I don't buy that. Of course he loved her, he married her. I loved my first husband too, who am I kidding if I say I didn't. I think some of us with failed marriages would like to rewrite history and say we never loved them. Something to justify why the relationship ended. But - love ends sometimes. That's a fact of life.

I also think some second wives need to feel their marriage is 'different', more legitimate, than the first marriage, because otherwise, if the first marriage ended, it means theirs can do. Well - guess what. It CAN. As great as your (general) marriage seems today, it CAN end. You can take steps to reduce the risk fo that happening, but pretending your marriage is somehow different from all the other marriages that failed, isn't one of those steps.

Wow I totally ran with that reply, didn't I.... lol

CherryBlossom4
by on May. 9, 2012 at 1:29 PM

Number 5 doesn't sit well with me, out of those. 

Number 1 seems a bit petty, to me. In most situations the facts are 1) they used to be married 2) at one time they loved each other 3) they *gasp!* had sex and made babies. I don't see what the point in "eliminating reminders of their past connection". They do have a past connection, that is a fact. That one seems petty and immature.

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