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Please share your thoughts and advice...

Posted by on May. 9, 2012 at 2:43 PM
  • 23 Replies

I met my husband nearly 7 years ago when SDs were 11 and 5. 

He had not yet filed for divorce (had been separated for 6 months) and did not have a custody order in place.  BM did not ALLOW his children to spend any time with him out of her presence.  I finally talked him into filing for a CO and he now at least has weekends and a day a week in the middle of the week.  BM refused to allow them visits for several years.

About 6 months ago, the youngest SD began coming over every other weekend.  My husband has always gone to see her on Saturday evenings after work.  SD seemed simply unable to enjoy her time with us.  We tried to entertain her with movies, board games, jewelry making, etc.  SD simply has never seemed like she was able to let her proverbial hair donw in our home.

About 2 months ago, SD quit coming over and went to a counselor at her school, threatening suicide over the want to no longer have to go to her Dad's house.  Dad is very passive and has not discussed this situation with his daughter whom he has the liberty of seeing about 20 minutes per week in the presence of BM. I find this odd and confusing and can only imagine what a 12 year old must be feeling inside.  SD has since been placed into counseling.  I urged my husband to get in contact with her counselor.  He was finally granted a visit with the counselor.  Due to the confidential arrangement of a counselor, she is unable to discuss the reasons why, but SD claims that she does not like her Father and does not want to visit him anymore.  We have a very calm, clean household.  Granted we live 25 miles rom BM, so her friends are not right next door and she may be bored.  I have always been conerned for this reason and made attempts to keep her from boredom.  I do my best to also give Dad a SD time alone, together which can be difficult since it is my home as well. The counselor told my husband that he did not want to force his CO order onto anybody right now because she (the counselor) could have the agreement null and void very quickly.

I believe that BM is so angry at BF for leaving that she cannot let go of her anger and expresses it loud and clear in front of SD as well as directly to SD. I have been witness to many outbursts by BM.  I believe that SD feels that if she were to enjoy herself in our presence, that she would be betraying her Mother. Will the counselor eventually be able to see through this mirage?

I believe this is a classic case of PAS and have no idea where to go from here or how to help my  husband deal with his heartbreak or how to help my SD should I have the opportunity to have her in our home once again.

Please share your thoughts and advice.


Thank you!

by on May. 9, 2012 at 2:43 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by Amy on May. 9, 2012 at 3:04 PM

Wow, well, I'm glad your SD is in counceling and I hope it's helping her.

Welcome to the group.

by Member on May. 9, 2012 at 3:13 PM

Thank you!

by on May. 9, 2012 at 3:17 PM
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I reccomend PRT or parent reunification therapy with BD and SD on a weekly basis. He needs to respect where his DD is at emotionally but not give up on having a relationship with her.
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by Member on May. 9, 2012 at 3:36 PM

Thank you, I will suggest that.

He is financially in a tough position. He only makes $12.00 per hour and pays $300. in child support, that leaves him bringing home only $1100.  We are aware that this is not much money, but it is all we can do to make that payment.  I do work for a living as well, but our bills swallow up my earnings. Hopefully he can get a better job soon (he has been diligent in his efforts), until then we are still grateful that he has a job and simply trying to do what is right for his daughter.  I am not sure the way the counselor seemed to reject him that there is a possibility of counseling for them together, but I will definitley see if it is possible.


Thank you!

by on May. 9, 2012 at 7:09 PM
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Welcome to the group.

Reading ur  post was like I posted it myself about my SD! She wanted to live with my DH when she was 15 (our states age of election is 14) When BM found out she had a cow!, All of a sudden SD didn't want to talk to my DH anymore and she was in counseling, & BM got SD to change her mind about the living situation.

My DH also tried to speak to the counselor to see how SD was doing, and got no where, even tho it's his insurance, and she is a minor. He understood about confidentiality, (one time he met BM there with all the SKDS and she ran inside and the  door was locked and the kids wouldn't let him in! YES pas to say the least! at least in my DH's situation,DH has written proof where, BM blames DH for something that happened to SD in her 11th grade yr that DH had nothing to do with,or was even consulted on!

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by on May. 9, 2012 at 7:25 PM

I'm sorry, but if he wanted to take part in his DDs life he would be doing more. You would not be the one telling him what to do. 

It sounds like you mean well, but I don't think he does. You were the one trying to make sure she was not bored at your house. You were the one doing this and doing that. What did he do? What does he do?

not trying to bash your man, just asking. :)

by Platinum Member on May. 9, 2012 at 7:35 PM

 Does this SD view you as the reason mom and dad are not together anymore?

by on May. 9, 2012 at 8:22 PM
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Back off and let dad handle this.  His kid needs him to do things, want her there, etc, not you right now.  This may have little to do with mom...just because you witnessed an outburst doesn't mean she is telling her kids anything (unless she said it to her kids in front of you OR they just witnessed her telling you something)... there may be no mirage.  The child might actually have emtional issues she needs to work through...

by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 9:19 AM

I have put a lot of thought into this.  My husband is too passive for his own good.

I stand back as far as I can, but I believe my husband is afraid of backlash by Mom and is therefore scared to move.  I make suggestions and stand back and allow as best I can. I do not believe there is anything wrong with my efforts as I stand in the shadows. I do not force my opinions on anyone even thought I do have them and feel free to express them to my husband.  The SD and I do not discuss these things as I am aware that it is really not my business.

There is a fine line between caring and expressing that care and stepping back to allow.  I think I balance it all as well as I can.  I do have anger that I do not express as I am the only one who knows it is there (except my Mama).

I am glad I found this little outlet to be able to safely express some of the heartwrenching feelings that I have about the ordeal.

by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 9:23 AM

SD May view me as the reason her Mom and Dad are no longer together, but I do no think she does.  Her and I have much less trouble enjoying each other than her Dad a she does.  They had not been together for quite some time when we met.  I am aware that children see things from their eyes and this may be a problem.

I have been witness to the Dad bashing that Mom does towards Dad on a very regular basis, so extreme that I choose to not even relate to the BM any longer.  I have not only stepped back, but stepped out.  I can't ignore the fact that my husband is no longer allowed to see his BD.  He needs my support right now and I will continue to give it to him.


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