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Please share your thoughts and advice...

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I met my husband nearly 7 years ago when SDs were 11 and 5. 

He had not yet filed for divorce (had been separated for 6 months) and did not have a custody order in place.  BM did not ALLOW his children to spend any time with him out of her presence.  I finally talked him into filing for a CO and he now at least has weekends and a day a week in the middle of the week.  BM refused to allow them visits for several years.

About 6 months ago, the youngest SD began coming over every other weekend.  My husband has always gone to see her on Saturday evenings after work.  SD seemed simply unable to enjoy her time with us.  We tried to entertain her with movies, board games, jewelry making, etc.  SD simply has never seemed like she was able to let her proverbial hair donw in our home.

About 2 months ago, SD quit coming over and went to a counselor at her school, threatening suicide over the want to no longer have to go to her Dad's house.  Dad is very passive and has not discussed this situation with his daughter whom he has the liberty of seeing about 20 minutes per week in the presence of BM. I find this odd and confusing and can only imagine what a 12 year old must be feeling inside.  SD has since been placed into counseling.  I urged my husband to get in contact with her counselor.  He was finally granted a visit with the counselor.  Due to the confidential arrangement of a counselor, she is unable to discuss the reasons why, but SD claims that she does not like her Father and does not want to visit him anymore.  We have a very calm, clean household.  Granted we live 25 miles rom BM, so her friends are not right next door and she may be bored.  I have always been conerned for this reason and made attempts to keep her from boredom.  I do my best to also give Dad a SD time alone, together which can be difficult since it is my home as well. The counselor told my husband that he did not want to force his CO order onto anybody right now because she (the counselor) could have the agreement null and void very quickly.

I believe that BM is so angry at BF for leaving that she cannot let go of her anger and expresses it loud and clear in front of SD as well as directly to SD. I have been witness to many outbursts by BM.  I believe that SD feels that if she were to enjoy herself in our presence, that she would be betraying her Mother. Will the counselor eventually be able to see through this mirage?

I believe this is a classic case of PAS and have no idea where to go from here or how to help my  husband deal with his heartbreak or how to help my SD should I have the opportunity to have her in our home once again.

Please share your thoughts and advice.


Thank you!

by on May. 9, 2012 at 2:43 PM
Replies (21-23):
by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 4:55 PM

You know...I thought the exact same thing.  In fact my statement to DH was to go to court anyway and let the judge figure it out. He has NEVER given SD any reason to dislike him and surely a judge would ask enough questions to see this.  My DH is frozen with fear now that if he were to do anything, he would lose his rights altogether. I can imagine that the conversation that took place was a bit heated.  My DH does not handle confrontation well.  I am bothered that I can't be there to help him...but as far as the rest of the world is concerned, "It is not my business" I continue to support him silently in the background. I know not what else to do.

by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 5:01 PM

But then again...If BD were to take BM to court because she is refusing him his rights and the counselor told the judge that she thought DH could be a threat to BD, it could result in him losing his rights.  Therein lies my fear.  We are in the bible belt...sticks in Oklahoma and are behind the times as a result.  I say this because I am native Californian.  This would never go over in California, but I do not think it is sub standard in this part of the world.

I would LOVE to see this counselor myself...but again: as far as the world is concerned, this is not my business, so I have no choice but to lay down and play dead and allow my husband to be abused by his X-wife and then his BDs and now even a stinking counselor

by on May. 10, 2012 at 6:23 PM

My kids counselor could have done the same thing.  She was a child advocate with the courts here.  The respected her opinion on situations and she worked primarily with children.  If I had gone to court or my ex had taken me he would have lost.  If he starts his crap up again I start the kids back in therapy and let him take me...

His wife, btw, thought no one had a reason to dislike her man also.  She was not impartial.  She didn't know the entire story either.  She had been with him since the kids were 3 and 5... we had 5 years of crap to handle that I doubt she had a clue about... so, her opinion on how great a man her husband is and how wonderful a father he was meant nothing. 

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