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Please share your thoughts and advice...

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I met my husband nearly 7 years ago when SDs were 11 and 5. 

He had not yet filed for divorce (had been separated for 6 months) and did not have a custody order in place.  BM did not ALLOW his children to spend any time with him out of her presence.  I finally talked him into filing for a CO and he now at least has weekends and a day a week in the middle of the week.  BM refused to allow them visits for several years.

About 6 months ago, the youngest SD began coming over every other weekend.  My husband has always gone to see her on Saturday evenings after work.  SD seemed simply unable to enjoy her time with us.  We tried to entertain her with movies, board games, jewelry making, etc.  SD simply has never seemed like she was able to let her proverbial hair donw in our home.

About 2 months ago, SD quit coming over and went to a counselor at her school, threatening suicide over the want to no longer have to go to her Dad's house.  Dad is very passive and has not discussed this situation with his daughter whom he has the liberty of seeing about 20 minutes per week in the presence of BM. I find this odd and confusing and can only imagine what a 12 year old must be feeling inside.  SD has since been placed into counseling.  I urged my husband to get in contact with her counselor.  He was finally granted a visit with the counselor.  Due to the confidential arrangement of a counselor, she is unable to discuss the reasons why, but SD claims that she does not like her Father and does not want to visit him anymore.  We have a very calm, clean household.  Granted we live 25 miles rom BM, so her friends are not right next door and she may be bored.  I have always been conerned for this reason and made attempts to keep her from boredom.  I do my best to also give Dad a SD time alone, together which can be difficult since it is my home as well. The counselor told my husband that he did not want to force his CO order onto anybody right now because she (the counselor) could have the agreement null and void very quickly.

I believe that BM is so angry at BF for leaving that she cannot let go of her anger and expresses it loud and clear in front of SD as well as directly to SD. I have been witness to many outbursts by BM.  I believe that SD feels that if she were to enjoy herself in our presence, that she would be betraying her Mother. Will the counselor eventually be able to see through this mirage?

I believe this is a classic case of PAS and have no idea where to go from here or how to help my  husband deal with his heartbreak or how to help my SD should I have the opportunity to have her in our home once again.

Please share your thoughts and advice.

 

Thank you!

by on May. 9, 2012 at 2:43 PM
Replies (11-20):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on May. 10, 2012 at 9:30 AM

How involved has her Dad been in her life, other than visitation? Does he communicate with teachers? Does he attend her extracurricular activites? go to back to school night, parent-teacher conferences, etc? Does he know the names of her friends? Does he know her friend's parents?

AGreenWon
by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 10:15 AM

The way I see it:  He has been eliminated from her life.  He does not know her and she does not know him.  She has not been allowed to visit him for years at a time by BM.  He calls her every day, however I believe the wedge that BM has put between them is now rearing its head. BM hates BD and freely expresses this.

EOW is not enough time. My husband works on Saturdays and BM refuses to allow visitation until Saturday evenings and then she insists that SD be home by noon on Sunday.  The way I see it, is BM is alienating the relationship and BD is allowing this. It is a very difficult thing to sit back and watch this happen to both of them.

My hope is that therapy will clear the air and promote the right to visit that the courts deemed appropriate.  Time will tell. 

raerae725
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2012 at 10:27 AM

When he talked to the counsler did he ask about how to be part of his daughters life?  Maybe weekends aren't enough time, but perhaps a couple nights a week he could take her out to dinner?  If money is an option a picnic?

What is his relationship with older SD?  She is an adult now correct?   


AGreenWon
by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 12:34 PM

The counselor has requested no visits with SD at all for the moment.  When BF disagreed with this and told the counselor he had a CO giving him EOWE, the counselor told him not to rock the boat and that she could change that if needed to no time at all.  Even with all this, the SD12 will call BF on Mondays (seems she gets in trouble a lot at school on Mondays) to come pick her up and get her out of trouble.  If she hated him (as the counselor state) or was afraid of him, I do not think this would happen.  I believe this is the only time that SD12 can call BF without the disapproval of her immediate family and that is "why" this happens. She has been expelled from scholl twice in the last month on a Monday (this is my husbands day off).  I believe this is a classic case of PAS and my only hope is that the couselor will eventually see this.   SDs have been known to call BF and tell him how horrible he is for varying reasons, they also request additional child support, etc. I believe these calls are prompted by BM...why else would a child call and ask for more CS if they were not being told "something" by an adult?  It really is a bad situation.

He has only been "allowed" by BM to have less than 24 hours EOWE for the last 6 months.  CO gives him one night a week and EOWE. Before that time, SD was not "allowed" at our house at all.  I have been suggesting that we go to court to ask that his visiting be upheld, but am met with resistance by BF.  He has peace at any price attitude and I am afraid it is costing him his daughter.  Only time will tell the price his daughter is paying for this.

The older (now adult) SD does not have a relationship with BF at all.  They talk on the phone about once a week, but that is all. 

Really, it is not my battle but it is disheartening to see this happen to the SDs.

court_1989
by on May. 10, 2012 at 1:56 PM
Any update? I hope it works out: he should go to court as he should be seeing his daughter.
AGreenWon
by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 2:09 PM

If he goes to court now, the counselor will put an end to any and all visitation.  At least now he is able to go to BMs house on Saturday evening and see her.  He has been warned by the counselor, so we have no choice but to wait it out until the counselor has enough time with SD to see the jest of the entire situation.  Until then, we just have to wait it out.

Moms2NTwins
by on May. 10, 2012 at 2:34 PM

While the counselor may have the best of intentions with SD is it her place to tell him not to uphold the CO and to ignore it? Maybe I misread but this is a school counselor right?

As far as PAS'ing I have been there and seen firsthand the ill effects it can have on innocent children. BM used to constantly tell skids that *I am the reason they werent together. Nevermind the fact she left DH on their anniversary, stole half the rent money and got an apartment with her then 19 yr old boyfriend eye rolling

I have been with DH since skids were 2 and 6, ss was 6 and has always welcomed me in his life, always been pretty close to me and never had any issues. For a while he didnt have much to say to me but I didnt press the issue and he came around again. Then you have SD who has always repeated word for word every.single.rotten.thing BM has said about me. Even going as far as to tell me her mom said I'm a slut. BM tried everything in her power to keep skids from DH, and for a while she won. The court system was NO help and DH sort of sank back in his shell and said "the hell with it" I offered advice and tried my best to keep pushing visitation but no matter how hard I tried BM always blewup and started an argument with DH over everything and anything. Things would go good for a while then she'd start again.

Your SD has been through the same thing, not allowed to have a relationship with her father and now she doesnt know how to react. Who knows what has been said in her presence and formed an ill image of what her father is...even if he isnt that way. She needs time to bond with him without her mother having any influence on the relationship. He needs to fight for his rights as her father and not back down just to avoid confrontation...I watched my own DH do that and as mad as it made me all I could do was offer advice and let him make the final dcision and hope he'd come around. 

I am sorry for all involved here and this has put such a strain on the father/daughter relationship and I can only hope things work out for the best. Continue being there for your DH as you said you have been and take it one day and one step at a time. Good luck to you all

Quoting AGreenWon:

If he goes to court now, the counselor will put an end to any and all visitation.  At least now he is able to go to BMs house on Saturday evening and see her.  He has been warned by the counselor, so we have no choice but to wait it out until the counselor has enough time with SD to see the jest of the entire situation.  Until then, we just have to wait it out.


wife to Ron and proud 

momma to 4 kiddos b(15) b(10) & my twins b/g(7) bonus kids: b(14) g(10)

http://www.truthforsophia.com/ 

AGreenWon
by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 2:57 PM

Thank you for your reply.  It is healing to know that I am not the only one out there in such a tough situation.  The counselor is a DHS (department of Human Services) counselor.  SD also sees a school counselor.  I have felt the need to push my DH past the desire to give up as well.  It is heartbreaking to see a grown man cry over his daughter and the situation.  He is not perfect, but he does love his daughter.  His greatest fault has been the "peace at any price" attitude.  I think in light of the current events, he is finally seeing this.

I do not push, just share the "what I would do if I were you" stance.  He sometimes takes my advice, sometimes leaves it.  It is up to him ultimately.  Funny how I can understand his passiveness in the situation as BM is just not really in touch with reality in this situation.  There are many stories that have happened over the last 7 years that lead up to where we are now.  Most not worth repeating.  She holds the power and at the moment, our hands are tied.  Our nly hope is the counselor will (in time) see what is really going on and move to create an atmosphere where SD and BF can get to know one another again.  She will only be 12 for a year and you just don't get do-overs when it comes to your babies.

Thank you for sharing. It helps me to feel less alone in this plight.

Moms2NTwins
by on May. 10, 2012 at 3:08 PM
1 mom liked this

Ive been with DH 8 years and I cant tell you the people who have mirrored our situations, it's sad that so many exist. I know how alone I felt in the beginning, almost to the point I wanted out even though we had the twins together...at times it just seemed easier to walk away and let it all go. I am of course glad I didnt but the sheer nonsense of it all was so overwhelming and trying to figure out where I fit in was just so hard. Again I wish you all luck and I am sorry things are so bad right now

Quoting AGreenWon:

Thank you for your reply.  It is healing to know that I am not the only one out there in such a tough situation.  The counselor is a DHS (department of Human Services) counselor.  SD also sees a school counselor.  I have felt the need to push my DH past the desire to give up as well.  It is heartbreaking to see a grown man cry over his daughter and the situation.  He is not perfect, but he does love his daughter.  His greatest fault has been the "peace at any price" attitude.  I think in light of the current events, he is finally seeing this.

I do not push, just share the "what I would do if I were you" stance.  He sometimes takes my advice, sometimes leaves it.  It is up to him ultimately.  Funny how I can understand his passiveness in the situation as BM is just not really in touch with reality in this situation.  There are many stories that have happened over the last 7 years that lead up to where we are now.  Most not worth repeating.  She holds the power and at the moment, our hands are tied.  Our nly hope is the counselor will (in time) see what is really going on and move to create an atmosphere where SD and BF can get to know one another again.  She will only be 12 for a year and you just don't get do-overs when it comes to your babies.

Thank you for sharing. It helps me to feel less alone in this plight.


wife to Ron and proud 

momma to 4 kiddos b(15) b(10) & my twins b/g(7) bonus kids: b(14) g(10)

http://www.truthforsophia.com/ 

Rae706
by Silver Member on May. 10, 2012 at 3:21 PM
Ummm... am I the only person that sees HUGE issues with the way this counselor threatened bd? What bull shit! Also, if dh willingly gives up his time with sd, he is willingly giving up their relationship. That is special time that he will never get back. I would crawl over broken glass to be with my baby, and I sure as hell wouldn't let my ex or some therapist whom I had met once, keep me from him.
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