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Ugh! Vent*****long****

Posted by on May. 10, 2012 at 10:57 AM
  • 11 Replies
Im having a hard time with my SO's dd11. She will not accept me even though I have been in her life for almost 6 years. She's very loyal to her mom which I don't have a problem with but because she is not allowed to see mom, frustration and anger is directed towards me. She is in counseling. Lately she has been throwing tantrums when she is asked to do a chore. She screams, hits, and swears at us. She has even put holes in the walls. She won't listen to anyone until hours later when she calms down. It's so frustrating. We believe she is trying to split us up and I feel that it might work. It's so stressful at home:( I fear that she might take her anger out on our kids, 4 and 1. She has made a remark in the past that she would hurt my son just to get back at me.
Background: SO's 2 dd's were placed with us when they were removed from moms care due to child neglect. It had been 1.5 years. Dd11 was just placed back with us after a 8 month stay at a mental health facility, where she learned how to appropriately deal with her anger with coping skills. She's been with us for almost 2 months and has had. 4 outbursts like this( hitting etc). And she refuses to use her coping skills. Anything will set her off.

We have had a troubled past, she was convinced that I was stealing her dad from her. Her anger would grow then it would be okay. Nothing I say I ever right, in her eyes I'm not allowed to discipline her( which I don't, dad sets it and we enforce it together)I can't ask her questions about anything.
I know she has anger towards her mom but it sucks being the one she takes it out on. My concern is for my kids. They see her act like this and get scared. My ds had a meltdown at preschool the day after her last tantrum( he never is like that). I love my SO very much, our relationship is wonderful just strained from dd11 attitude towards me. I ask myself at what cost? Do I continue to stay and let her continue to lash out at me? Or do I break up my family just to please her? I'm so stressed:(
Sorry so long.
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by on May. 10, 2012 at 10:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on May. 10, 2012 at 11:23 AM

Sounds like your SD has an ED problem.  How does she do in school?  Does she get angry like she does at home?

I don't think she's doing it because she wants to split you two up.  She's doing it because she can't manage her anger and her only option is to get really freakin' mad and let it all hang out.  Is she on medication?  Sounds like she needs more than just counseling to me.

madpenguin33
by on May. 10, 2012 at 12:10 PM
She does well in school and is on meds. While in the facility they actually reduced her meds because of how well she was doing.


Quoting sandeeyo:

Sounds like your SD has an ED problem.  How does she do in school?  Does she get angry like she does at home?


I don't think she's doing it because she wants to split you two up.  She's doing it because she can't manage her anger and her only option is to get really freakin' mad and let it all hang out.  Is she on medication?  Sounds like she needs more than just counseling to me.


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madpenguin33
by on May. 10, 2012 at 12:27 PM
She had her first outburst at school this past Monday. She was upset because she was going to get grounded as soon as she got home from school. The previous day, shd threw a tantrum and started hitting her aunt and almost pushed her down the stairs. We were in NYC when this happened. So since she knew punishment was going to come, she started to throw her stuff, flick pencils at students and be disruptive. They sent her home


Quoting madpenguin33:

She does well in school and is on meds. While in the facility they actually reduced her meds because of how well she was doing.




Quoting sandeeyo:

Sounds like your SD has an ED problem.  How does she do in school?  Does she get angry like she does at home?



I don't think she's doing it because she wants to split you two up.  She's doing it because she can't manage her anger and her only option is to get really freakin' mad and let it all hang out.  Is she on medication?  Sounds like she needs more than just counseling to me.



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geauxinginsane
by on May. 10, 2012 at 2:32 PM

Sounds like the stay at the hospital wasn't as productive as it should have been.  How was she doing so well in the hospital and then have 4 outbursts in 2 months at home?

It will prob only get worse.  Serious intervention is needed.  11 years old is just the beginning of terrible teen years.  If you want to stay, I would say you and SO are going to have to get some counseling advice on how to handle situations and how to stay together on the same page when issues come up.

madpenguin33
by on May. 10, 2012 at 3:20 PM
Oh I know! She has had a troubled past and we know that things like this do take time to get over or at least come to terms with. However, she likes to use these bad experiences as the reasoning for her behavior. (I left a lot if stuff out, it'd be pages of crap that has happened). It may be possibly the reasons for the tantrums but it does not excuse the physical abuse and destruction of property. Asking her to do the dishes is what caused one of her outbursts. She knows what needs to be done if she's upset if she thinks of the past( flashbacks).
We have been given some ideas on how to deal but it goes out the door when she starts getting violent.

IDK it s hard. I want my kids to be with their father and it sucks that they have to see her act this way. Today my son said out of the blue, " ugh, why did she have to do that, she's not supposed to put holes in the wall, she's not supposed to". It's sad.


Quoting geauxinginsane:

Sounds like the stay at the hospital wasn't as productive as it should have been.  How was she doing so well in the hospital and then have 4 outbursts in 2 months at home?


It will prob only get worse.  Serious intervention is needed.  11 years old is just the beginning of terrible teen years.  If you want to stay, I would say you and SO are going to have to get some counseling advice on how to handle situations and how to stay together on the same page when issues come up.


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Quinn525
by on May. 10, 2012 at 3:26 PM

Is she stil in therapy now?  If not she needs to be in weekly if not biweekly sessions.

madpenguin33
by on May. 10, 2012 at 3:30 PM
Yes. And no. She was in a facility where she got weekly sessions and they are in the process of transferring everything from one county to another. She is currently at a facility for emergency psych care due to violence towards me and SO and her behavior.
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ShannaBee
by on May. 10, 2012 at 4:15 PM
The only advice I can give is take some time and focus on your marriage the best you can.
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angelmommy2806
by on May. 10, 2012 at 6:04 PM
Sounds like she needs some intense therapy. SD15 isn't as bad as that and she's in a program 15 hours week. This keeps her away from home for a good amount of time and she sees a psychiatrist.
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madpenguin33
by on May. 10, 2012 at 8:07 PM
Thanks everyone for replying :)
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