Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Is there a double standard?

Posted by   + Show Post

"There is a double standard by which we suspect Stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother's best efforts and intentions."

Wednesday Martin, Author of "Stepmonster"



Thoughts?

by on May. 10, 2012 at 12:36 PM
Replies (21-30):
RubyLu
by Member on May. 10, 2012 at 3:34 PM

I feel like it!!

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on May. 10, 2012 at 3:38 PM


Quoting justahousewife:

Ideally both bio-parents should teach respect. However when children go home and BM is being toxic about the SM that the children are not going to just say "mom we have to respect her because she's an adult". Most children don't do that, especially if they lean in the bm favor. KWIM? BM influences the children's feelings towards the SM and some treat the children like puppets to do their damnedest to get at SM. I'm sure you've read the stories of BM's attitude rubbing off on her children. Jealously, resentment, etc can be pretty toxic emotions.

Unfortunately not everyone makes the wisest choices the first time around or ever for that matter. Divorce happens, children are stuck in the mix and bio-parents have to figure out what to do next. It would just be more ideal for the step-parent coming into the picture if both bio-parents were grown up about the whole deal. Sadly enough not everyone is. Until it happens I think step-parents will continue to be handed a double standard.

Ideally there should be no "leaning" in ANY favor. BM and SM are not competitors. Ideally BM will like SM, and SM will be worthy of BM's respect, and so there should be no issue.

We dont' always get the ideal situation, but certainly having a husband who insists and ensures that his children respect his wife will give SM the best shot.

I've read plenty of stories of SMs who alienated the kids from themselves, with no help from BM. 

None of this has anything to do with any double-standard though. Don't be evil, and you won't be considered evil. That's pretty simple.

Quinn525
by Bronze Member on May. 10, 2012 at 3:42 PM

Absolutely. I think it's all about walking in someone elses shoes. 

justahousewife
by on May. 10, 2012 at 3:52 PM


Quoting whatIknownow:


Quoting justahousewife:

Ideally both bio-parents should teach respect. However when children go home and BM is being toxic about the SM that the children are not going to just say "mom we have to respect her because she's an adult". Most children don't do that, especially if they lean in the bm favor. KWIM? BM influences the children's feelings towards the SM and some treat the children like puppets to do their damnedest to get at SM. I'm sure you've read the stories of BM's attitude rubbing off on her children. Jealously, resentment, etc can be pretty toxic emotions.

Unfortunately not everyone makes the wisest choices the first time around or ever for that matter. Divorce happens, children are stuck in the mix and bio-parents have to figure out what to do next. It would just be more ideal for the step-parent coming into the picture if both bio-parents were grown up about the whole deal. Sadly enough not everyone is. Until it happens I think step-parents will continue to be handed a double standard.

Ideally there should be no "leaning" in ANY favor. BM and SM are not competitors. Ideally BM will like SM, and SM will be worthy of BM's respect, and so there should be no issue.

We dont' always get the ideal situation, but certainly having a husband who insists and ensures that his children respect his wife will give SM the best shot.

I've read plenty of stories of SMs who alienated the kids from themselves, with no help from BM. 

None of this has anything to do with any double-standard though. Don't be evil, and you won't be considered evil. That's pretty simple.

Putting the double-standard thang aside altogether since it seems to be on a hamster wheel. 

And I agree with the husband's insistence aides in the children's influence and SM's place in their life.

:)

ShannaBee
by on May. 10, 2012 at 4:10 PM
I agree with the post.
Posted on CafeMom Mobile
Moms2NTwins
by on May. 10, 2012 at 4:21 PM
1 mom liked this

You made a wonderful post there I couldnt disagree with one single thing you said. This is so true and it is sad when the grownups refuse to do what is in the best interest of the child(ren) and only seek to satisfy their own needs/wants/desires. 

Quoting justahousewife:




Ideally both bio-parents should teach respect. However when children go home and BM is being toxic about the SM that the children are not going to just say "mom we have to respect her because she's an adult". Most children don't do that, especially if they lean in the bm favor. KWIM? BM influences the children's feelings towards the SM and some treat the children like puppets to do their damnedest to get at SM. I'm sure you've read the stories of BM's attitude rubbing off on her children. Jealously, resentment, etc can be pretty toxic emotions.

Unfortunately not everyone makes the wisest choices the first time around or ever for that matter. Divorce happens, children are stuck in the mix and bio-parents have to figure out what to do next. It would just be more ideal for the step-parent coming into the picture if both bio-parents were grown up about the whole deal. Sadly enough not everyone is. Until it happens I think step-parents will continue to be handed a double standard.


wife to Ron and proud 

momma to 4 kiddos b(15) b(10) & my twins b/g(7) bonus kids: b(14) g(10)

http://www.truthforsophia.com/ 

packermomof2
by on May. 10, 2012 at 5:57 PM
1 mom liked this

There is only a double standard if the same people who say "back off" also get mad when the SM does back off.


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on May. 10, 2012 at 6:11 PM


Quoting packermomof2:

There is only a double standard if the same people who say "back off" also get mad when the SM does back off.


That's a good point.

There may be two standards, but it is only a double standard if it is the same person having both standards.

blaquechinadoll
by on May. 10, 2012 at 6:36 PM
Quoting packermomof2:

There is only a double standard if the same people who say "back off" also get mad when the SM does back off.



I totally agree. I was told "no, you can't do this or that bc these are MY kids." Then almost In the same breath, "can your wife help skid pick out bras?" Then I am wrong when I say, "no I can't do this/that bc these are NOT my kids."
jessiesluv
by on May. 10, 2012 at 6:39 PM

Why is it left up to dad to make sure SM is respected? He could do everything in the world to make sure SM is getting respected in the home, but if bm (or anyone) is counteracting that, then what?

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)



Featured