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Is there a double standard?

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"There is a double standard by which we suspect Stepmothers of being wicked and selfish, yet expect them to be utterly selfless and loving to kids who are not their own, kids who are often hostile and rejecting for many years in spite of a stepmother's best efforts and intentions."

Wednesday Martin, Author of "Stepmonster"



Thoughts?

by on May. 10, 2012 at 12:36 PM
Replies (51-53):
stepdiva
by Bronze Member on May. 11, 2012 at 12:55 PM
It should be made known, rules in my house might be different than mom's house. And bm should support that. It almost feels like the bm has all the power doesn't it?
In my case, bm moved all of sds things out of her house into ours. It was a 50/50 custody arrangement. We live in the same city. He was 12 or so. It was a slap in my face for him. I'm still hurt over that for him. Now that he's on his own, she's very involved in his life. DH let ss get away with anything and everything and nothing I said mattered. Mom chose her battles with ss and usually only the positive ones. When he started smoking pot at 15 she wouldn't address that with him, neither would DH. So today, Ss can't pass a drug screen. That's a part of my step parent double standard.
I finally put my foot down and made ss move out after he graduated HS and continued to smoke pot in the house I supported. I am done with that. It had affected our
relationship in a big way.


Quoting gr8d8n3mom:



Quoting lilangilyn:

I know when I became a stepmom, I didn't want to be "mom." Just myself. Just another caring adult, an aunt type figure, if anything. I wasn't pushy, didn't overstep. My skid, though nice and accepting most of the time to my face, was lying his little ass off behind my back about what an evil piece of shit I was. The more he lied, the more kudos he got from BM and her DD.


I think the quote is accurate. I think we expect way too much of all stepparents in the way of loving and beling selfless towards the kids. Unrealistic expectations that set the stepparents up to fail.

(ok did u sneak into my home and write this off my key board?? LOL)

I agree with this 100%,  Now let me add,to this, how many BM's have told the SM to keep their nose out of the "parenting" or "raising" of the skds, it is ONLY between BM & their DH.(especially if the skds are small) while this sounds ok, the skds still LIVE  at ur house! You have rules and expectations expecially if your a BM urself.  Same rules for all kids, sorry BM. kwim?


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gr8d8n3mom
by on May. 11, 2012 at 2:30 PM

This is so true, and in "the real world" (LOL) this would be great. Yes BM does have most all the "power" because usually the skds live with her, and the BD doesn't want to do anything to piss her off,or hurt the skds feelings so they don't want to come back to "see" dad. BM also (not all) but some, tell the skds lies, and alienate the kids from  dad or if dad is dating his GF or new wife.

Our first married summer together(dh & I dated 2 &1/2 yrs before we married) While at the lake with my sis in law & bro in law and their family, I actually heard my YSD tell my niece the reason ysd didn't do "cheer" anymore was because of "dads new wife"! ysd had stopped doing cheer for 3 yrs (1 yr before I met my dh!) but that is what BM is telling them. This type of stuff is STILL going on, u would think an adult would get over it, and finally just stop, but nope.

Custody is joint 50/50 decision making on EVERYTHING is also 50/50 and BM never consults DH about anything. So the only type of any discipline the skds get/got was at DH's when they had a failed or missing assignment and he got the email. BM has the skds convinced she has full custody and she makes all the decisions. We just found out (3 weeks before school gets out) that BM even put  his 19 yr old DD as ysd emergency contact, when the C.O. CLEARLY states otherwise. (I doubt he is even on any information)

Yes, my X and I are divorced, but he is still our girls father and he was put on all school info, including emergency info, tho the type of job he had, he wouldn't have been able to get the, 99% of the time if I wasn't working @ the school I was at home.


Quoting stepdiva:

It should be made known, rules in my house might be different than mom's house. And bm should support that. It almost feels like the bm has all the power doesn't it?
In my case, bm moved all of sds things out of her house into ours. It was a 50/50 custody arrangement. We live in the same city. He was 12 or so. It was a slap in my face for him. I'm still hurt over that for him. Now that he's on his own, she's very involved in his life. DH let ss get away with anything and everything and nothing I said mattered. Mom chose her battles with ss and usually only the positive ones. When he started smoking pot at 15 she wouldn't address that with him, neither would DH. So today, Ss can't pass a drug screen. That's a part of my step parent double standard.
I finally put my foot down and made ss move out after he graduated HS and continued to smoke pot in the house I supported. I am done with that. It had affected our
relationship in a big way.


Quoting gr8d8n3mom:



Quoting lilangilyn:

I know when I became a stepmom, I didn't want to be "mom." Just myself. Just another caring adult, an aunt type figure, if anything. I wasn't pushy, didn't overstep. My skid, though nice and accepting most of the time to my face, was lying his little ass off behind my back about what an evil piece of shit I was. The more he lied, the more kudos he got from BM and her DD.


I think the quote is accurate. I think we expect way too much of all stepparents in the way of loving and beling selfless towards the kids. Unrealistic expectations that set the stepparents up to fail.

(ok did u sneak into my home and write this off my key board?? LOL)

I agree with this 100%,  Now let me add,to this, how many BM's have told the SM to keep their nose out of the "parenting" or "raising" of the skds, it is ONLY between BM & their DH.(especially if the skds are small) while this sounds ok, the skds still LIVE  at ur house! You have rules and expectations expecially if your a BM urself.  Same rules for all kids, sorry BM. kwim?




planning a wedding


casey.foster09
by on May. 11, 2012 at 3:09 PM
I understand as a mom that I wouldn't want my kid hurt in anyway even if she is a brat lol... Dh Is her dad so I don't deal with this personally but I do have skids. I know my little sweetheart can be spoiled and rotten so I have to be extra patient.. Which can be really hard even though I love her more than I live myself. So I can imagine it would be hard for someone that doesn't love her so much or at all. Now saying that, my skids were extremely difficult even for their parents (together and apart). They brought me to tears more than once, I did manage to "do no harm."
Ways I handled (past tense because they are with their mom more now and just weekends are a lot easier in all of us) hard times:
-walk away when you are too angry (as long as they are safe when you go to another room)
-make dad step in
- be honest and real with children at all times. I THINK THIS IS THE MOST INPORTANT
-be open with dh, let him be a GOOD father and husband
-remember children are not adults they can't handle things with an adult attitude nor adult mind set.. This was the hardest as my dd is only five months (they lived with us while I was pregnant and til she was four months) and I had to grow up really fast and never really had an innocent childhood time in my life.
*i hope this helps and I hope being a SM can be/continue to be a positive experience for everyone (including myself lol)


Quoting jessiesluv:

I have seen a lot of bms in here especially, say "do no harm". In some situations, Im sure it takes a LOT from SMs to do no harm when they are putting up with very hostile children, even when being "nice" to them hasn't worked.

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