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Need Some Advice........or maybe just some understanding

Posted by on May. 11, 2012 at 1:31 AM
  • 15 Replies

Hello Everyone,

I'm Kate.  I really don't know where to even begin other than i find myself in unfamiliar territory and have been searching the web for days to just find (something), I really don't even know what, but I guess the best way to describe it would just be maybe to find someone to relate to in my situation. 

I'm 30 years old, dating a single dad, long distance, for over 2 years now.  I'm not a stepmom yet, but we both know we want to get married and i suspect we will be engaged by the end of the year.  I do not have any children of my own yet, my boyfriend and i plan on having at least one child together after we are married.  I have a lot of nieces and nephews, i love kids, and i don't have a problem being around them.

I have met my boyfriend's son almost a year ago now and have been around him a few visits when I travel to him and they have also made a few trips out together to see me.  Just recently (last week), they were both here and stayed with me for 5 days.  I've never had a problem with his son on previous visits, however this past visit I felt some unspoken animosity between his son and I, and I'm kind of freaking out.  Just experiencing a lot of emotions that kind of caught me off gaurd and I'm really not sure what to do with them.

by on May. 11, 2012 at 1:31 AM
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Replies (1-10):
E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on May. 11, 2012 at 1:59 AM
2 moms liked this

Hi there, and welcome.

What you are going through is normal, and what his little guy is going through is normal.

Not to many ladies are here this late, but in the morning there will be some wonderful ladies that can give you the best advice ever.  

Where does bio-mom fit into his son's life? Does he have full custody? What's his son's age?

Sorry, for all the questions, but it helps to know your stitch.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on May. 11, 2012 at 2:04 AM
I agree w Ethan. Try back in the morning sweetie. You are definitely not alone and thus group will help you like you wouldn't believe. I've been on here I think almost a year. I never knew there were others out there like me.

But there's a bunch of us:) all different but all have experience w this stuff. What you feeling is normal. How old is son? How far away are you and bf? What do you feel inside?

What's the CO like?im glad you came here early on!!!! :)I wish I'd have done that. I'd have saved a world of heartache and questions.
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mom2cheesebug
by on May. 11, 2012 at 2:27 AM
1 mom liked this

This is normal, very very normal. How old is his son? His son is probably feeling like his dad is getting closer with you, and feeling like you are starting to take his dad away from him. He might act out, or be awkward toward you, or not say anything but have tension. Don't force a good relationship, but let that bond form by itself, if he expresses being angry just ask him why and listen, dont be mad if you don't like the answer because everyone is entitled to their feelings, but knowing what they are will allow you to help him feel more comfortable around you. Just let him know that you understand and thats not your intentions to make him feel that way.

Its hardwork being a stepmom, but just remember to always step back and look at it through the eyes of the child. His dad has been dating you for a while, you are finally getting really serious and his dad has probably expressed this to him and had conversations about you and the son is soaking it all in and not knowing how to deal with the feelings. It takes time to get a child use to the situation and the more serious it gets the more the child is going to push you away because they feel you are taking daddy away.

lilangilyn
by on May. 11, 2012 at 8:34 AM
2 moms liked this

You will never really get to know either one of them long distance. What you may have seen with the child may have just been a fluke or it may be part of a long standing problem. There is no way to tell unless you are with them day after day.

I would advise not getting married unless you can move there first to be around both of them in non ideal situations. And lots and lots of thinking about this needs to be done.

Tarac1012
by Member on May. 11, 2012 at 11:56 AM
1 mom liked this

His behaviour is completely normal.  It's hard to have to seriously share dad with another woman.  I don't know how long dad and mom have been apart and if he lives with his dad or not.  I know for my SS he had a hard time at first with me becuase I was the first REALLY serious woman that he had to share with his dad and he lived with his dad.   I recommend that you don't try too hard to win over the boy.  Just be yourself and things will work themselves out slowly.  Let him get to know you - these things take time. When my husband and I were dating we went on family trip to Disney and I invited he and SS along.  SS was acting SOOOOO weird and ridiculous. Walking between us trying to throw tantrums about where we were going in the park (none of my ideas were good enough!) (he was 15 at the time) - I was shocked because before that he was always so sweet.  Later I found out that his dad had told him he was going to propose.  so then it all made sense! LOL ... i had no idea what the heck was going on! My SS liked me but at his age and for years it was just him and his dad - so it was hard for him not to act out and be jealous.  Had I known at the time I would have understood - instead I was really annoyed LOL... but we worked through it and it's been a bumpby but enjoyable experience thus far (8 years later). :) Good Luck to you!

1SpaZZedMom
by Librarian on May. 11, 2012 at 11:58 AM

I think that trying to figure out a way to be closer and build relationships deeper will help out as well. 

Quoting lilangilyn:

You will never really get to know either one of them long distance. What you may have seen with the child may have just been a fluke or it may be part of a long standing problem. There is no way to tell unless you are with them day after day.

I would advise not getting married unless you can move there first to be around both of them in non ideal situations. And lots and lots of thinking about this needs to be done.


Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on May. 11, 2012 at 12:49 PM
Thats good advice Lily! It's Better to know upfront Then until you are married. I hope this helps her:))

Quoting lilangilyn:

You will never really get to know either one of them long distance. What you may have seen with the child may have just been a fluke or it may be part of a long standing problem. There is no way to tell unless you are with them day after day.


I would advise not getting married unless you can move there first to be around both of them in non ideal situations. And lots and lots of thinking about this needs to be done.

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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on May. 11, 2012 at 12:51 PM
Kate where are you?:) I want to know how old SS is and how do you feel after the replies?:))
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on May. 11, 2012 at 12:51 PM
Bumpppppp
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johthinkpink
by on May. 11, 2012 at 2:06 PM

Welcome...and all great advise so far- welcome to the new normal!

I am in similar place- SO and I have been together almost 2 years and SO has 3 kids- SD17 from early relationship then SS13 and SD10 from ex-wife.  Each SKid responds differently and each situation should be looked upon as a first for your new family- it takes some getting used to for ALL parties involved. The long-distance dynamic will change and then the cycle of new normals will repeat itself as you try to exist under the same roof.

For ex, SD17 moved in with us a month ago...previously we only had her together 1 time for vacation (Younger two visit every vacation/ summer) its hard to adjust to new people, and you have to get the relationship to go from 'stanger' to a bond on the kids pace not yours- is the best advise I can give.  It takes time and there will be ups/ downs along the way.  Be on the same page with SO and try to see yourself in SKids shoes.  GOOD LUCK and KEEP BREATHING- this too shall pass/ new normals will become way of life! :)

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