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Need Some Advice........or maybe just some understanding

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Hello Everyone,

I'm Kate.  I really don't know where to even begin other than i find myself in unfamiliar territory and have been searching the web for days to just find (something), I really don't even know what, but I guess the best way to describe it would just be maybe to find someone to relate to in my situation. 

I'm 30 years old, dating a single dad, long distance, for over 2 years now.  I'm not a stepmom yet, but we both know we want to get married and i suspect we will be engaged by the end of the year.  I do not have any children of my own yet, my boyfriend and i plan on having at least one child together after we are married.  I have a lot of nieces and nephews, i love kids, and i don't have a problem being around them.

I have met my boyfriend's son almost a year ago now and have been around him a few visits when I travel to him and they have also made a few trips out together to see me.  Just recently (last week), they were both here and stayed with me for 5 days.  I've never had a problem with his son on previous visits, however this past visit I felt some unspoken animosity between his son and I, and I'm kind of freaking out.  Just experiencing a lot of emotions that kind of caught me off gaurd and I'm really not sure what to do with them.

by on May. 11, 2012 at 1:31 AM
Replies (11-15):
anonymous419
by on May. 12, 2012 at 1:41 AM

My boyfriend's son is 9.  His biological mom lives in the same city as they do, however she only contacts him a few times a year and rarely sees him in person.  My boyfriend suspects she may be involved with drugs or something of that nature as she is very flaky and hard to contact, phone numbers are always disconnected, that sort of thing.  My boyfriend has had primary custody of his son since he was 3years old, but he's in the process of trying to get full legal custody. 

anonymous419
by on May. 12, 2012 at 2:06 AM

My boyfriend's son is 9 years old.  They live in Michigan, I live in Nevada so we are quite along distance away from eachother.  Luckily, my boyfriend works for the airlines and can fly for free.

What am I feeling inside???  I feel that he is THE ONE that I want to spend the rest of my life with.  I know it's a package deal and i'm ok with that.  I think at some point I should have a conversation with my bf about how i am feeling as we are very open with eachother, however my problem right now is........i don't even understand exactly what it is that i'm feeling yet.  Does his son hate me?  Am I somehow jealous of a 9 year old? That sounds so ridiculous when i see it in black and white, but it's the only feeling that i can think of that comes closest to describe how i'm feeling.

When i first recognized these unfamiliar feelings, probably around the 2nd or 3rd day of their visit, I kind of started to panic internally.  I say panic because i'm trying to decifer if i can really even hack it being a step mom.  Is reality maybe just slapping me in the face that this is how i'm going to feel all of the time if i pursue this relationship any further?  Am i just going through a phase, a period of adjustment, and eventually these feelings will go away?  For a few minutes it even made me question if I can be everything that he and his son need long term?

I know this situation can't be easy for any of us, his son having to adjust to me and sharing his dad with me.  My boyfriend having to please the two of us, being caught in the middle, balancing being a full time dad, working full time, and keeping a long distance relationship going.  And for me, trying to figure out where i fit in all of this.  Having such loving feelings toward my boyfriend, yet having some scary feelings towards his son, who is a very huge part of him.

anonymous419
by on May. 12, 2012 at 2:15 AM

By the way, i'm very new to the site and i'm not even sure if i'm posting/replying right so i apologize.  But i do want to say THANK-YOU to everyone who is giving me imput.  I have had these feelings just lingering since the boys left Tuesday and was searching just to find someone that understands me and doesn't think i'm a bad or selfish person for feeling the way i do.  I'm feeling alot of guilt too, which i failed to mention in my earlier post.  Feeling guilty that i feel any animosity or jealousy towards a child. 

vintagebikegirl
by on May. 12, 2012 at 2:16 AM
I think having a conversation with him and asking what role he expects you to play in his sons life would be a good 1st step. Is this role something you would feel comfortable doing? Be it SAHM, primary care giver to him or just dads wife who stands back and let's him parent the son. Every step family is different and every SM has a different role in their step kids life.
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chanizen
by Platinum Member on May. 12, 2012 at 7:46 AM
1 mom liked this
Work on the animosity and jealousy.... Don't give in to it.

It's ok to feel disrupted. But seriously, if bm got hurt or ill or were out of the picture, these boys might live with you. If you aren't ok with ever dealing with them, this might not be your sitch, kwim?

If they visit infrequently... Just be kind, step back an let dh and his kids focus on building their relationship. Be happy if dh is happy and let him take responsibility while they are there.

At the end of the day... It's about having a happy life. Resentment and animosity will only get in the way.../
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