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need advice about sd and mothers day

Posted by on May. 11, 2012 at 1:34 PM
  • 11 Replies
Sd's mom died a year ago on mothers day. This is also my first mothers day as a stepmom. I have a son who will be here all day and he really makes every mothers day special for me. I'm worried that my child being here is going to make her greif even more because we can't celebrate with her mother. There isn't even a gravesite to visit. Ivew plamted flowers that were her mothers in our yard but she dosent want them. I have never had to deal with this kind of greif with a child before. Any advice would be helpful.
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by on May. 11, 2012 at 1:34 PM
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Replies (1-10):
Pink_Handcuffs
by on May. 11, 2012 at 1:55 PM
Why doesn't bm have a gravesite?

My sd's mom passed away last december, I've been agonizing what to do for mothers day, as I have my own kids.

You could always ask your sd, what she wants to do for mothers day.

How old is sd?
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johthinkpink
by on May. 11, 2012 at 2:13 PM
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as a SM and a daughter that lost her mom (when I was 19)...see what SD wants to do (If anything) as a special way to remember her mom. Some years I want to celebrate her- others I want the day to just end... good luck, not sure if my thoughts are helpful or not.

whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on May. 11, 2012 at 2:16 PM

How old is she?

does she have a grandmother, or does BM have family (Aunts, etc.) who could celebrate the day with her? people who knew and loved her mother?

E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on May. 11, 2012 at 2:21 PM
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This is what I was going to say to the T. I lost my mom at 19 as well. 

I also want to add.

OP, don't feel guilty for celebrating with your child. It's okay. Your SD wants you to have your day. 

Sometimes people would avoid certain things around me. It always made me feel even more awkward then I already felt.

Just because I don't have my mom doesn't mean I want the people around me to suffer and not share their happiness. Their happiness made me happy. 

Quoting johthinkpink:

as a SM and a daughter that lost her mom (when I was 19)...see what SD wants to do (If anything) as a special way to remember her mom. Some years I want to celebrate her- others I want the day to just end... good luck, not sure if my thoughts are helpful or not.


zannahdeux
by Silver Member on May. 11, 2012 at 5:38 PM

BUMP!

GypsyRayne
by Member on May. 11, 2012 at 5:43 PM

How old is sd? My children's dad died when they were 1 and 4. Something they always liked to do was send balloons to him. They would get balloons and release them, saying they were sending them to their dad. She could even attach a note or a picture.

newstepmom61811
by on May. 11, 2012 at 6:04 PM

Wow, good question, as someone who deals with supporting the dying every day and their families...start this way...the worst you can do is ignore the fact that her mom has passed. Depending on her age she will deal with it in different ways and depending on how she has dealt with it too over the last year, expect a wave of grief and setbacks, expect the anger phase to re-emerge a little here at the one year anniversary, and it may be focused on you as a mother on Mother's Day. Take it in stride, have a very thick skin, it is absolutely NOT about you and WILL pass in time, usually a short time. Help her have a voice to talk about memories and her grief, open the door, offer to be an ear but DO NOT push her. Just reminder her you love her, tell her you know it is a hard time, DO NOT tell her you know how she feels however, offer to listen to how she feels or be a listener if she wants to talk and remember her mom. If she doesn't, reminder her you are there if she changes her mind. You don't have to have all the answers, if she asks tough questions about death or dying, it is OK to admit you don't know or have all the answers, kids appreciate honesty much more that answers where they know you are bluffing. Most of all be strong for her, it is OK to cry with her too, it's OK for her to see your vulnerability and humanity at a tough time. And ultimately don't let the whole day be gloomy, have time for her to mourn but also try to gently redirect to happier things so in the end the first anniversary of her mom's passing will be a release and lead to some healing...

evilstepmom100
by on May. 12, 2012 at 12:04 AM
Thank you. I feel better. I lovr this child as much as i love my son and she has been thru a lot this last yrear. I will use this advice. Thank you so much
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ajanejr
by on May. 12, 2012 at 7:49 AM

 I would ask her what she wanted to do. If she doesn't want to, I wouldn't push the issue. As one of the ladies said, she may want to do something to remember her and then she may just want the day to be over. I will pray for you and your family, because I know this can't be easy for any of you!

evilstepmom100
by on May. 12, 2012 at 11:55 PM
This 14 year old child has been thru a lot. She only communicates with her dad and i with hostility the last couple of months. Except when we do family counseling. Her grandparents had her mother cremated a d divided the ashes between her and her brother. Basically her mom is in a box in her closet. She dosent want to part with them. I asked if she would like to do something special to remember her mom tomorrow and she just shrugs at me and her dad. She dosent e en want to see her moms parents. I guess i will just go with the flow. Hopefully she will make it thru the day. Therapy on monday will help. Of that, I am sure.
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