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Mother's day drama

Posted by on May. 14, 2012 at 1:08 PM
  • 8 Replies

 I knew this day would come, when I would be portrayed as the wicked stepmom and viewed as I favor my own kids over sd. I just didn't think it'd be so soon. Clearly, there's an issue with me, and I'm not sure why. But, the issue is with bm, not sd.

 

I've never been able to establish a connection with sd. I'll admit it. We rarely see her. I know it's easy to say "move closer", "find a job out there"..but dh's job isn't that easy. So, moving there, isn't an option (he's got a great position with a great company). Dh gets out to see sd every few months, or as often as he can. He talks to her all the time, and facetimes her too. The calls are always when he's at work (like around 4ish) though..he can try to talk to her on the weekends but they're always "busy" or sd is at so-and-so's house and can't talk (so i feel like bm has kind of cut even dh out there).

Back on track here...Even though I've never been able to establish a connection with sd, I don't let it show when we do have her. I treat her exactly like I treat our kids. When she's here, I do expect her to play or something other than sit on the couch and watch tv all day (she's 8 btw.)..we'll go to the park or go shopping or to a movie. When she was out in June, it was a little different because we had just had ds, my dad was out, and we only had one car. We still made a point to get out on the weekends and do family stuff, but during the week was hard because dh needed the car. During the week everyone was bored..my dad played most of the days with the kids so I could rest and heel up (sd came out about a week after ds was born)..but I made a point to spend time with the girls too.

 

Anyway, my mother's day gift was that dh made an appointment to surprise me to have my iud taken out, and we're going to have a third and final baby. Keyword as being WE...as in HE and I. In the excitement of the moment, I posted on facebook: "(other text)..yes, we're going to have a third and final baby!!". Bm texted dh to say congrats, and it went downhill from there. I'm assuming that the congrats was sarcastic, because bm had a fit over "third baby"..my post,..so it truly is my third. That text was followed by "____ is the forgotten child bahaha"..which made dh feel awful, because he does do as much as he can. The texts went on, and I read them,..I can't rememver every one, but it went on to say if she said everything she was thinking that dh wouldn't want to talk to her for a year (which he doesn't anyway..he always says how crazy she is and how glad he is that he's not married to her anymore), and if everything was said he would only get mad and defend himself and the people around him (meaning me). There were more, I just can't think of them right now.

 

So, it's very clear the issue is with me. Bm told him all along not to marry me. I'd just break his heart because I was so young (I was 18 when we got married). She's even gone to lengths of saying that she wants him to leave me, and that she'd come back to him if he did..that they could be a family again and sd could be in his life all the time. There have been some issues all along. Bm never did come out and say what she was meaning in her texts, she just decided to end the conversation after that.

 

Years ago, she was pushing dh to sign over his rights to sd (it was when we were talking about getting married 5ish years ago), and I put my foot down on it. I wouldn't let him. I felt like not only would it have said what kind of man he was, but sd would have issues about it later in life. Fortunately, dh saw this, decided against it, and refused to sign over his rights. I feel like somewhere in her mind, I'm the reason she can't have dh. I think she sees that he's doing good, and is happy, and wants him to either a) be miserable or b) wants it to be her instead of me. I know that blended families are hard..I lived in one growing up, but I feel like it's starting to lean to an extreme, and we'll be in court before too long. I don't know what to do. Do I make myself invisible and it be just dh going out to see sd? Do I make myself more known (and risk pissing bm off even more)? To give you ladies an example..in one of my other posts (i think i posted about it), we had sd for over a month--roughly middle of june, to the end of july, and bm talked to her maybe 3 times. We dealt with the tears because bm wouldn't call back almost every night. Even calling every day, bm either wouldn't answer, or it would be I'm busy I'll call back later, and she never did. I know, when we were with my dad for 6 weeks out of the summer growing up, my sister and I talked to my mom every day, and sometimes twice a day..if she was busy or missed the call, she called us back. Am I wrong in that thinking..or being too judgemental because of what I grew up with?

 

I truly don't know what the issue is. I am good to sd, I don't treat her any differently..the only "issue" I can think of, is that I made the girls stay upstairs when I would hop in the shower...or I made them at least try a bit of every food before they say they don't like it (sd is a little picky when it comes to food)..but that's the same rule for dd just like it will be for sd when he's old enough. LOL I'm sure I'm hated for that. :) I'm tired of the drama, and the looney random accusations---not sure what else to call it since she never said what the problem was. I never had an issue with bm, and have always been nice to her. I know I'm going to be hated...I think that comes with the territory..at least in this situation, and all I can do is wait it out and hope that sd will understand one day, and that (after yesterday) she doesn't see me as this twisted awful person that I'm/we're probably made out to be.

 

There's nothing I can do about dh's job..so please don't suggest anything for that. Dh has put too much in to this to just up and change his life completely.

 

Thanks for listening to my vent. Hope everyone had a great mother's day!!

by on May. 14, 2012 at 1:08 PM
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Replies (1-8):
CoochieLibre
by on May. 14, 2012 at 4:29 PM

It sounds like BM just wants him to be miserable. They're not married any longer, obviously there's a reason for that. I wouldn't worry about what BM does/says/thinks, she'll either grow up and stop causing drama or she won't. You can't control her. What you can do is continue to show SD love and support. Eventually she will come to the right conculsion about the kind of person you are.

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on May. 14, 2012 at 4:43 PM

First, I would block BM from FB. Allowing her to read your comments obviously isn't in your best interest. If DH really wants to make any response to her 'issue' with your post he should reply with something along the lines of it being your FB (not his) and that you can post what you want regarding your kids (again not his) and that is has no bearing on his feelings toward SD. Unless BM is implying that you should claim SD as your own.

Afterward, you should let DH handle BM exclusively. She is an odd brand of crazy and you being involved will only make it worse, IMO. DH should keep doing what he has been. Has he considered writing letters to SD. That would be one more way to keep communication up and it would be something for her to be glad to get.

mom_to_kenzie
by Member on May. 14, 2012 at 5:19 PM

 Good call on the letters..and the crazy! lol I hadn't thought about letters. I already told dh that I think it just needs to be him going and seeing sd and that for the time being, we don't even need to consider sd coming here. I know that sounds awful, but I'm not going to stir the pot.

Quoting SassyMom25:

First, I would block BM from FB. Allowing her to read your comments obviously isn't in your best interest. If DH really wants to make any response to her 'issue' with your post he should reply with something along the lines of it being your FB (not his) and that you can post what you want regarding your kids (again not his) and that is has no bearing on his feelings toward SD. Unless BM is implying that you should claim SD as your own.

Afterward, you should let DH handle BM exclusively. She is an odd brand of crazy and you being involved will only make it worse, IMO. DH should keep doing what he has been. Has he considered writing letters to SD. That would be one more way to keep communication up and it would be something for her to be glad to get.

 

mom_to_kenzie
by Member on May. 14, 2012 at 5:20 PM

 oh, I should have said our kids instead of my kids. Dd and ds are sd's half sister/brother.

ErinRenee815
by on May. 14, 2012 at 5:58 PM

I so agree with blocking BM from your FB. And if you're reading hers, stop doing that. It just causes issues.  

I think it's interesting that you're taking credit for Dad not signing over his rights. I can't believe he would even consider that. You're right, it does say a lot about him as a man. It also seems to be a direct contradiction that at one point BM wants dad to have no rights and then the next point, she's not returning her DDs calls for weeks at a time. That just doesn't make sense. Is she controlling or uninvolved? As for BMs advice on getting married, 18 is awfully young. I bet a lot of people said something about how young you were. I'm not saying it was right or wrong to get married, but I can see why someone might have been worried about it. 

After looking at all these points my conclusion is that you are letting BM and this stuff get to your head way to much. Step out of it. Let her do her thing and try not to think about it. I think you'll be a better happier person for it. Good Luck :)

SassyMom25
by Gold Member on May. 14, 2012 at 6:24 PM


Quoting mom_to_kenzie:

 oh, I should have said our kids instead of my kids. Dd and ds are sd's half sister/brother.

I totally got that. Its just that apparently BM thought you were including DH's DD in your post when you referred to having your third. DH needs to make it clear to BM that your FB is about you and your kids, not him and his (specifically SD), KWIM.

mom_to_kenzie
by Member on May. 14, 2012 at 7:08 PM
Quoting ErinRenee815:

I so agree with blocking BM from your FB. And if you're reading hers, stop doing that. It just causes issues.  

I think it's interesting that you're taking credit for Dad not signing over his rights. I can't believe he would even consider that. You're right, it does say a lot about him as a man. It also seems to be a direct contradiction that at one point BM wants dad to have no rights and then the next point, she's not returning her DDs calls for weeks at a time. That just doesn't make sense. Is she controlling or uninvolved? As for BMs advice on getting married, 18 is awfully young. I bet a lot of people said something about how young you were. I'm not saying it was right or wrong to get married, but I can see why someone might have been worried about it. 

After looking at all these points my conclusion is that you are letting BM and this stuff get to your head way to much. Step out of it. Let her do her thing and try not to think about it. I think you'll be a better happier person for it. Good Luck :)




How's that interesting? Ultimately it was his decision whether or not to sign over rights. I'm a product of divorced parents and my mom threatened this stuff on my dad all the time. So I completely understand (from a child's perspective) how SD could potentially have felt later on in life. I know he had wrestled with it..all he was at that point in time was a check every month. To say I'm taking credit for it is false. Yes, I did put my foot down and made a big deal about it but again it was ultimately his decision.

I knew what I wanted early on in life. Yes, I was18 when I got married. I was young and yes, people told me that. Bm was telling dh that in sense of "if I can't have him then no one can". She even tried to get him to back out shortly before and after we got married. It was never in a caring way. We knew that we were supposed to be together. Dh was and is it for me.

The span of signing over rights and then not returning phone calls had been over the last five years. It wasn't something that happened back to back.

I'm not a Facebook stalker. Lol I don't read her posts. Quiet honestly, Shea not even on my friends list..and yes, she is controlling.

I am probably letting this get to me a little too much, but cafemom is my outlet to vent. I get the "I told you this would be hard when there are step kids involved" from my mom..I don't really get to talk yo my dad because he travels a lot..and venting to dh about it just makes him more frustrated with the situation.

Don't get me wrong, I am happy. Lol I just needed to vent.
mom_to_kenzie
by Member on May. 14, 2012 at 7:17 PM
Quoting SassyMom25:




Idk. While I do consider SD one of my own, it truly is my third baby. I didn't have a hand in raising SD since she was a baby. So I don't think that it was necessarily out of line. Yes, I could've put fourth and final but again, I didn't birth SD or anything..and I got caught up in the excitement of it. Dh had me completely fooled in to thinking he didn't want anymore.
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