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UPDATE: If DH and I Stay Away From SS Will that send a message of our disapproval?

Thanks to all you SMs who gave your insight into our situation with SS.  It's been a few weeks now and DH and I still have not heard a word from SS.  All is calm and quiet here at our house.  DH and I have not mentioned SS's name, and we are getting along really well.  DH is more like himself than he has been in a long time; I really think he feels better not having to deal with all his son's drama, cruelties, and immaturity.  Sadly, sometimes blood does not mean we can magically relate to one another as a family should.  Maybe one day things will change, but for now I am using this time to heal emotionally with the help of my therapist and get my marriage back to normal.    I still welcome your suggestions for growth and a "game plan" going forth.  Just please don't suggest I have the SS over for dinner!  LOL!!!!

Ever since some family problems began two years ago,  now 24 year-old SS has been disrespectful towards me.  My DH has tried talking with him, but nothiing has worked.   SS didn't speak to me during the family Christmas gathering nor did he thank me for the money DH and I gave him as a gift.  The final straw came a month ago when my DH's father died.  SS was rude to me at his grandmother's house and at the funeral home.  He turned his back towards me whenever I approached a group of people where he was.   SS was a pallbearer and when he got to me in the family line at the funeral home (I was the last one in the line) before his grandfather's casket was closed, instead of shaking my hand or hugging me like he did everyone else, he turned his back and walked away from the line and out the door.  My DH was standing beside me and saw the whole thing.  DH observed other things SS did all weekend towards me that were rude.  However, he also observed that I did everything I could to be polite and courteous.  I wanted to make everything as easy as possible for my DH as I could.  After all, his father had died.  It was a sad occasion.  As a result DH realizes that talking to SS doesn't help so DH isn't calliing SS nor is he making any attempt to go see SS's new house (SS has been asking DH to come see the house for the past seven months).   So, SMs, do you think SS is getting the message that by our staying away DH doesn't approve of SS's behavior? We also took SD to a play and dinner in a nearby city and we didn't invite SS and his wife.  What message do you think that sent SS?  I need objective opinions.  We are at our wits end with this SS.  We do not have any contact with him right now.

by on May. 15, 2012 at 7:29 PM
Replies (21-29):
Refurbished
by on May. 16, 2012 at 9:04 PM

What message do you think that sent SS?

The same one he is sending you.

Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on May. 16, 2012 at 9:47 PM


To DDDaysh:  HIS FAMILY???  Are you saying that I am not part of my DH's family?  My father-in-law's family as well?  As for SS and those problems, you might want to read my past posts about my SS and then get back to me before you pass judgment.  My therapist tells me NOT to be in a room alone with SS!   He's that BAD and emotionally abusive.   My DH is one of the kindest people I know, and until SS perceived that his fiancee's delicate feelings had been hurt (when she was rude to my DH and me by the way) he loved me---stayed with us, ate with us, i did his college laundry, etc.   Anyway, as for SS's emotional stress at the funeral, he had not bothered to visit his grandfather in the nursing home for the past two months!    I was the one sitting by his grandfather's side for hours at a tiime before his death; SS never showed up!   The Bible teaches that a man should put his wife before all others so if my DH puts me and our marriage before an immature, spoiled, hateful, and emotionally abusive 24 year-old child, then that is as it should be.  We have done all we can and our conscience is clear.  Seriously, you pass that much judgment on me so quickly?  
Quoting DDDaysh:

So the "final straw" came during a funeral where SS was probably grieving and under emotional stress?

Honestly, your husband sounds like he's playing a "who can be the biggest passive aggressive asshole?" game.

It sounds like SS simply doesn't like you or want you to be a part of his family. He probably is taking the shunning thing too far, but it doesn't seem like he has actually done anything more than ignore you. If it was YOU who decided, for yourself, to ignore him back then it would probably be fine. It seems like an incredibly unproductive thing for your husband to do though. If he wants to destroy his relationship with his adult son, then that's his prerogative, but he should realize that is what he's doing. He should not believe he is somehow "teaching" his son or overcoming an obstacle in their relationship with this behavior.


sidelinesally
by Bronze Member on May. 17, 2012 at 9:11 AM


Quoting Seychelles1409:

 

My DH has already taken SS, age, 24 now, out to lunch and talked with him---on more than one occasion.  I don't think you realize how immature and venomous this SS is.   We have both apologized for --- what we don't know--but we have to no avail.   DH can't be as blunt as you suggest; he is more mild mannered than that, but he has tried.  SS is bitter.  He once told DH that he had to blame someone for everything that went wrong in his life growing up and he couldn't blame him (his dad) so he chose to blame me (SM) instead!   So you see, things are not as simple as they seem.   SS has made his choice.
Quoting sidelinesally:

I think it's going to reinforce what he already thinks of you. He will interpret this as you coming between him and his Father and that you're a bitch and it will only bite you. If he's 22, his Father needs to take him out for a beer and lay the cards on the table...'your behaviour towards my wife is unacceptable and will not be tolerated. I have enough love for both of you. You do not have to be BFFs but you do need to show her respect. If you are unable to do that, you will have given me no choice but to limit my contact with you'. Choice is now SS's.

 

Is it that DH can't be blunt, or he won't be blunt? It's not easy, but sometimes the hard road is the only one to take. In any case, I didn't mean that DH should keep trying ad nauseum either. Like I said later on, I just thought a clear "if - then" message would be better than ignoring SS. But, if as you've said, that DH has tried and it hasn't worked, I would go ahead with excluding him until he can be more respectful towards everyone (what he's doing is very disrespectful to his father as well). I am not opposed to the tough love method at all but like to preceed it with some advanced warning!

It really sounds like SS would benefit from a wee bit of introspection in his quest to find the right person to blame for his lot in life.

I hope it goes well for you!

DDDaysh
by on May. 17, 2012 at 10:41 AM

 So basically you want someone to say, "Yes, it's a wonderful idea for your husband to do what he's doing."  If that's all you want, you're not going to get it here.  I think what your husband is doing will not ever reconcile his family.  If you claim that's the goal, you're not going to meet it this way.  But, I don't think you really want your husband to reconcile, so I guess what you're doing will be just fine.  Just don't pretend like he's being a super great father really trying to help his kid.  

And I think it's absolute bullshit for a parent to put a second spouse in front of their kids.  The bible ALSO says a man can beat his wife as long as the stick isn't too thick.  lol...  (It also admonishes divorce, btw.) 

And, you're not reading very clearly if you think I was passing judgement on you, at least not at first.  You can do whatever you want.  I think it's your husband pretending he's doing this for his kid's sake that is wrong. 

Quoting Seychelles1409:

 

To DDDaysh:  HIS FAMILY???  Are you saying that I am not part of my DH's family?  My father-in-law's family as well?  As for SS and those problems, you might want to read my past posts about my SS and then get back to me before you pass judgment.  My therapist tells me NOT to be in a room alone with SS!   He's that BAD and emotionally abusive.   My DH is one of the kindest people I know, and until SS perceived that his fiancee's delicate feelings had been hurt (when she was rude to my DH and me by the way) he loved me---stayed with us, ate with us, i did his college laundry, etc.   Anyway, as for SS's emotional stress at the funeral, he had not bothered to visit his grandfather in the nursing home for the past two months!    I was the one sitting by his grandfather's side for hours at a tiime before his death; SS never showed up!   The Bible teaches that a man should put his wife before all others so if my DH puts me and our marriage before an immature, spoiled, hateful, and emotionally abusive 24 year-old child, then that is as it should be.  We have done all we can and our conscience is clear.  Seriously, you pass that much judgment on me so quickly?  
Quoting DDDaysh:

So the "final straw" came during a funeral where SS was probably grieving and under emotional stress?

Honestly, your husband sounds like he's playing a "who can be the biggest passive aggressive asshole?" game.

It sounds like SS simply doesn't like you or want you to be a part of his family. He probably is taking the shunning thing too far, but it doesn't seem like he has actually done anything more than ignore you. If it was YOU who decided, for yourself, to ignore him back then it would probably be fine. It seems like an incredibly unproductive thing for your husband to do though. If he wants to destroy his relationship with his adult son, then that's his prerogative, but he should realize that is what he's doing. He should not believe he is somehow "teaching" his son or overcoming an obstacle in their relationship with this behavior.

 

 

Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on May. 17, 2012 at 10:45 AM


You are exactly right!  SS blames me for EVERYTHING that upset him as he was growing up!   We never knew anything was wrong.  He never said a word!  His bitterness exploded when he became engaged.  His fiancee had a birthday party for him and invited her parents, BM, SF, our SD, friends, etc. but excluded DH and me and then posted photos on Facebook.   My DH saw them and was very hurt.  SS's hatred of me began when I "upset" his fiancee' by asking her if we had done anything  wrong to upset them and by telling her that DH's feelings were hurt about the party b/c he saw the photos!  SS exploded and believe it or not, he has hated me ever since no matter how many times I have apologized or pleaded.  We even invited them on vacation to Florida and he threw the invitation in our face as a "pity invite" and said he was AFRAID  to leave me alone with his fiance because of what I might do to her!   
Quoting geauxinginsane:

Dh and I have had the same issues with ss.  SS never did like me and there wasn't any good reason for it other than he chose to.  Dh and ss and bm all has issues with eachother before me.  There were power struggles, commitment issues, and a lot of resentment.  When I came along,  those things projected onto me as well.  I tried to ignore, but it is hard and it hurts.  For 1 1/2 years they didn't speak.  Fast forward to today...   SS and Dh talk and seem to get along all of a sudden.  I'm not even sure how that came about.  I think eventually their issues will come up again, but I can't control any of that.  Your ss is prob projecting onto you.  Let dh deal with it if he wants.  Props to him for taking up for you.


1boy1girlmama
by Member on May. 17, 2012 at 10:49 AM

Why has it taken 7 months for your Dh to go see SS's house?? He still hasn't seen it? I would be pissed if I were SS. Plus I feel we are only getting part of the story. What did you do to piss him off? Why does he blame you? Really with you guys being distant, and taking SD out and such the only thing it is going to do is breed more resentment on his part. Aside from that I can't answer unless I know the full story.

Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on May. 17, 2012 at 3:49 PM


For the first few months, we weren't invited to see the house.  SS invited everyone but us.  SS suddenly became angry over something very small during the time he was engaged two years ago and hasn't gotten over it yet despite all of our sincere apologies.  All I did was ask SS's fiance not to post photos of SS's birthday party because she was posting photos of SS, his BM, SF, sister, and everyone in the family.  We had not been invited and my DH was very hurt.  SS got mad because I told his fiance DH was hurt.  Apparently I upset fiance.  No matter of apology has been good enough.    Now SS and DH are friendly when they see each other, like at the funeral, but they do not call each other and we do not get together as a family.   I am not interfering.  DH knows that I will follow his lead.  I will be polite if and when I see SS, but that is all.  SS is basically immature and unforgiving as well as despicable.  I cannot count the lies he and his wife have made up about me.
1boy1girlmama:

Why has it taken 7 months for your Dh to go see SS's house?? He still hasn't seen it? I would be pissed if I were SS. Plus I feel we are only getting part of the story. What did you do to piss him off? Why does he blame you? Really with you guys being distant, and taking SD out and such the only thing it is going to do is breed more resentment on his part. Aside from that I can't answer unless I know the full story.


Seychelles1409
by Silver Member on May. 17, 2012 at 4:02 PM


No, DDDaysh, it is not a wonderful idea for DH to do what he is doing, but he has tried everything he knows to do and nothing has worked.  Everything he tries makes the situation worse.   We feel that now giving SS time to cool off and think are the only options left.   DH is not pretending that he is doing this for SS.  We aren't thinking about doing this for SS's sake.   DH is  thinking more in terms of  our being able to live in peace and giving the situation time to heal without SS's hatefulness and venom coming towards me.   I have not claimed to want reconciliation as I am not sure it is even possible.  My therapist agrees that reconciliation with SS and his wife may never happen and advises me not to be in a room alone with them.   At this point, I am happy to simply live in peace--something we haven't had in two years.  
Quoting DDDaysh:

 So basically you want someone to say, "Yes, it's a wonderful idea for your husband to do what he's doing."  If that's all you want, you're not going to get it here.  I think what your husband is doing will not ever reconcile his family.  If you claim that's the goal, you're not going to meet it this way.  But, I don't think you really want your husband to reconcile, so I guess what you're doing will be just fine.  Just don't pretend like he's being a super great father really trying to help his kid.  

And I think it's absolute bullshit for a parent to put a second spouse in front of their kids.  The bible ALSO says a man can beat his wife as long as the stick isn't too thick.  lol...  (It also admonishes divorce, btw.) 

And, you're not reading very clearly if you think I was passing judgement on you, at least not at first.  You can do whatever you want.  I think it's your husband pretending he's doing this for his kid's sake that is wrong. 

Quoting Seychelles1409:


To DDDaysh:  HIS FAMILY???  Are you saying that I am not part of my DH's family?  My father-in-law's family as well?  As for SS and those problems, you might want to read my past posts about my SS and then get back to me before you pass judgment.  My therapist tells me NOT to be in a room alone with SS!   He's that BAD and emotionally abusive.   My DH is one of the kindest people I know, and until SS perceived that his fiancee's delicate feelings had been hurt (when she was rude to my DH and me by the way) he loved me---stayed with us, ate with us, i did his college laundry, etc.   Anyway, as for SS's emotional stress at the funeral, he had not bothered to visit his grandfather in the nursing home for the past two months!    I was the one sitting by his grandfather's side for hours at a tiime before his death; SS never showed up!   The Bible teaches that a man should put his wife before all others so if my DH puts me and our marriage before an immature, spoiled, hateful, and emotionally abusive 24 year-old child, then that is as it should be.  We have done all we can and our conscience is clear.  Seriously, you pass that much judgment on me so quickly?  
Quoting DDDaysh:

So the "final straw" came during a funeral where SS was probably grieving and under emotional stress?

Honestly, your husband sounds like he's playing a "who can be the biggest passive aggressive asshole?" game.

It sounds like SS simply doesn't like you or want you to be a part of his family. He probably is taking the shunning thing too far, but it doesn't seem like he has actually done anything more than ignore you. If it was YOU who decided, for yourself, to ignore him back then it would probably be fine. It seems like an incredibly unproductive thing for your husband to do though. If he wants to destroy his relationship with his adult son, then that's his prerogative, but he should realize that is what he's doing. He should not believe he is somehow "teaching" his son or overcoming an obstacle in their relationship with this behavior.


 


DDDaysh
by on May. 17, 2012 at 4:20 PM

 Then read your original post where you ask if this will get your point across.  Because that's what I was answering.  It's not going to. 

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