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PLEASE HELP...SD Destroying my relationship

Posted by on May. 16, 2012 at 7:03 PM
  • 45 Replies

I dont know how many of you have similar issues or can help, but I need advise. My SD is destroying our relationship. DH (cracks me up as I don't abbreviate well. LOL) just doesn't get it. He wants to pretend all is good when it's not. SD lies, manipulates, steals, etc and has been doing so since the ripe old age of 13 that we KNOW of. SD is such a prob that Mom and step dad cannot handle her as they have 3 other children whom she manipulates, threatens, etc. I am so frustrated I am considering leaving. Life is too short. But I love my DH and know once she is gone in 2 more years we will be fine. Not so sure I can sit back and "pretend" for 2 more years. Definitely sure no one should HAVE to do this. It's a nightmare and I just can't wake up. What do I do?

a- stick it out and hope it gets better...which I have no doubt won't. SD slapped me a week ago and I still have a black eye. No DH didn't do anything other than tell her to not do it again.

b- leave and wonder what i could have done to save it

c- I don't know! SD is going to be 16 in another month. Good thing is DH did call Mom and she is going to spend 5 - 6 weeks with her starting 6/1.  But I am so hurt, angry, you name it, I just a mess!

Please someone help me.  Gosh, this sounds pathetic to be begging total strangers for their help. You have no idea how far gone I must be to even consider let alone do this. 

SD has prob created from her Mom being diagnosed with Munchhousen by Proxy (know this cannot be spelled right) and she was the one Mom put all the issues on.  I am doing my best to focus on SD pain rather than my own.  But oh that is super-hard most days.  In recent months she  has accused DH of molesting her to her BF but when confronted, she denies it.  SD has accused DH's friend of same but then denies it. She has been to counselors but never mentioned any of this. I cannot imagine what is going on in SD sick mind!

Thank you for any advise you have.

Your desperate newest member

by on May. 16, 2012 at 7:03 PM
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Replies (1-10):
momofcg
by Member on May. 16, 2012 at 7:08 PM
4 moms liked this
She hit u and u have a black eye. Did u call the police she could have been charged with domestic violence. Ur husband did nothing and is also to blame. Neither my step kids or my own children would touch me and not deal with Dh trust me kid would b goin to jail and Dh would be too when he got done with the kid. Leave now is my advice
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pristine729
by Bronze Member on May. 16, 2012 at 7:11 PM
Idk....my SO's daughter is only 8... Here's a bump for you
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Anissa67
by on May. 16, 2012 at 7:12 PM

My child would have NEVER hit me either, but this SD sure isn't afraid to. And best part was SD called police on ME for pulling her hair to get SD off of me. It's a total mess! I feel like I should be on Jerry Springer...how nice is that!

E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on May. 16, 2012 at 7:13 PM

1st hugs

Is your family in therapy?

What is DH doing about all this crap?

D- Don't leave because of her. Just step away from HER. Disengage!

rose0919
by on May. 16, 2012 at 7:13 PM

dh needs to step up .it is NOT ok to let her hit you. i would have had her a$$ in jail that night and dh bags packed and sitting on the step  no matter how much i love him. his telling her not to do it again with no consiquense is giving her permission to do it again!

amberklo
by on May. 16, 2012 at 7:15 PM
1 mom liked this

I would leave to be honest.Its his child and she does not want you there.Seems like he should have gotten his child under control before you got together,your only human.Tell him he has no time for a relationship if he should put the effort into getting his child under control.She is not a baby and she needs help.

E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on May. 16, 2012 at 7:16 PM


Quoting Anissa67:

My child would have NEVER hit me either, but this SD sure isn't afraid to. And best part was SD called police on ME for pulling her hair to get SD off of me. It's a total mess! I feel like I should be on Jerry Springer...how nice is that!

yeah, I feel u. My SD13 used to make me feel like a Jerry Springer episode.  IT SUCKS! I packed my bags twice because of it. Then I learned to disengage.

Anissa67
by on May. 16, 2012 at 7:18 PM

How do you disengage? I need to learn how to do this before it tears me up any more. 

amyjo76
by Member on May. 16, 2012 at 7:22 PM
4 moms liked this

I may get backlash for this but I'm honestly wondering: If she slapped you & you were to have called the police on her, how would your husband have reacted? Would putting her into a more suited environment to deal with the issues she may have be better for her? There will always be resentment, hurt & anger but would a center that would house & school her as well as offer counseling be an option? I'm going to guess that your husband wouldn't want that to happen but if cops were involved, I would take a stab & say they would have to remove her from the home at least temporarily until they did some psychiatric testing. If her mother has psychiatric problems, the daughter may also.

Option A: You may end up resenting your husband for having put you through this or allowing your SD to put you through this. When all is said and done & SD is gone, where will you be in your relationship? If you are feeling hurt now & he's not dealing with it, you may look back at that & wonder why you stayed, causing strain on the relationship even after she's gone.

option B. I wouldn't wonder what I could do to save anything. If you've done the best you can up to this point, that is all you can do.  If your husband isn't willing to work with  you & come to  terms with the issues his daughter has, there is nothing YOU can do to save it. So you shouldn't blame yourself or want to look back on it--unless you're doing it as a learning tool to deal with something you may deal with down the road in life.

C-If your SD goes away for a few weeks, you will kind of see how option A would play out if given that chance. You'll see how your relationship will work with your husband while she isn't there. During that time the two of you may want to come up with a list of expectations of the household & the list of consequences if she doesn't follow what the house rules are. You guy's really need to focus on yourselves during that time so when SD comes back she knows the two of you are one unit--not that she can't whine to daddy to get out of what she wants & make you look bad. Your husband & yourself need to be on the same page.

I hope you didn't take this as me being negative towards you because I've been there. I stayed but only after my husband realized the stress his daughter was putting our marriage through. So he bucked up & started laying the law done and enforcing the punishments.

E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on May. 16, 2012 at 7:24 PM
7 moms liked this

don't talk to her. don't help her. don't worry about what she is doing. don't worry what she is not doing. 

tell DH you don't want to ever be alone with her. If he is at work and she is at home. he needs to find a place for her to go. 

If she comes and ask you for anything, you smile and say....go ask you dad. 

You do not need to tell her that is what you are doing. You can quietly tell DH or send him an email (haha.. that's what I do. He listens better that way). He may not take you serious at 1st. However, actions speak louder then words.

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