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Advice? Suggestions?

Posted by on May. 17, 2012 at 12:57 AM
  • 11 Replies

I'm 8 months pregnant.

My BF has a 5 year old son. I met him a couple of times last summer, but now he lives in another state.

I'm wondering....well, really I don't know what to do. I'm not even sure when I'll meet him again. So, I guess we'll just say this is a first meeting whenever it does happen.

He does have some behavior issues. I don't want to upset him or anything...but I also don't want him to feel like I'm ignoring him or anything like that.

Then there's the issue with his mom and her family. She can have her moments when it's just like WOW. Her family is a constant moment of WOW! Like, they've tracked me down on facebook and on twitter and started attcking me online. Just...crazy stuff.

I want to approach this the best way possible, because I really think my BF is going to be my husband one day, so I mean, I don't want to be one of those where years go by and the teenage kid is just like "oh, that's my dads wife"..although my cousin  DOES call my aunt by her first name..he didn't even start calling her his mom until he was in college LOL...she raised him from age 7....but he knows she did everything for him a mother should do..I guess it just took him awhile?

I also don't want to have high expectations like "oh we're one BIG OL HAPPY FAMILY" I'm just not sure that's going to happen.... is it likely that I will just be "dad's wife" and my daughter will just be "the other kid"...I really want them to have a relationship  but I know this isn't an ideal world. Any advice or suggestions would be nice and hopefully helpful.

by on May. 17, 2012 at 12:57 AM
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Replies (1-10):
lilangilyn
by on May. 17, 2012 at 8:42 AM
4 moms liked this

I think that you should my your facebook private and if they are your friends, delete them. I would give some serious thought to what you are approaching. The pink ink and the underlining tell me that you are probably very young. There are lots of men out there without children.

And if you do get married, and this child never calls you Mom or feels like you are anything other than dad's wife, that is OK. Dad's wife is a good thing to be. Unrealistic expectations are sometimes the things that destroy step life. So take it one day at a time and try not to stress so much about what could happen, what might happen, or what should happen.

Ms.Gwen
by on May. 17, 2012 at 9:41 AM
Your BFs family is his problem. It is up to him to build/ maintain a relationship with his son. Forcing or pushing him to do more than he is now will cause drama and it will in the long run hurt his son. It's not worth it. Leave that up to your BF. If he doesn't want to make the effort, that's his choice.
Now, whatever effort your BF makes... Make no more of an effort then that. It's just not possible for a NCSP to have a closer relationship with a skid than the NCP. Attempting to do so will make people think you are psycho, including the skid. It will likely put the BM on the defensive and for many that means attack mode. Think pissed off mama bear protecting her young.
Put your focus on the important things that actually involve you like your baby, your relationship, and your own dreams/ goals. Focusing on anything else will start drama.
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Ms.Gwen
by on May. 17, 2012 at 9:49 AM
Also, if you can't do what I have mentioned above because of your own morals, beliefs, and/or expectations than be true to yourself and get out of this relationship.
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MandiFuego
by on May. 17, 2012 at 10:41 AM


Quoting lilangilyn:

I think that you should my your facebook private and if they are your friends, delete them. I would give some serious thought to what you are approaching. The pink ink and the underlining tell me that you are probably very young. There are lots of men out there without children.

And if you do get married, and this child never calls you Mom or feels like you are anything other than dad's wife, that is OK. Dad's wife is a good thing to be. Unrealistic expectations are sometimes the things that destroy step life. So take it one day at a time and try not to stress so much about what could happen, what might happen, or what should happen.

well, I'm not quite as " young" as you'd think....w/e "young" is. I have an 8 year old son...I can guarentee, my son will NEVER call him dad ( I don't even want his son to call me mom, because I'm not that) but "my dad's wife" is a lot different than " my stepmom"....like when I was younger, I called my aunts husband " my aunts husband" but now I call him "uncle dennis"...I had to learn that he was my family too. My facebook is private, doesn't stop people from saving my profile picture and emailing it to multiple people. But said people have been blocked ( sad, I've never had to BLOCK people I don't even know until this happened)

And I'm pregnant now, so I should leave my daughters father in hopes that someone will love me and my daughter as much as he does? ( even if I wasn't pregnant, I knew he had a son the day I met him, I knew perfectly well what I might be getting into) Our relationship has it's ups and downs as do most, I don't see how punishing him because he had a child with someone before he met me and it didn't work out ( and now that he's moved on) she's acting out really solves anything....

Tarac1012
by Member on May. 17, 2012 at 11:04 AM

blended families are complicated.  I think it's best to focus on the things you can control - your child, your relationship. you can't control the crazy that your BF is related to - he needs to talk to his family about their behaviour and the inappropriate actions they've taken.  As for his son, that sounds complicated and you will have to just see how it goes. Just be who you are and try not to worry about what might happen down the road with SS. Part of it depends on how BF and BM get along - she plays a big role in how SS will view you. If you don't see him that often, I imagine that won't change but who can say.... I certainly wish you all the best and hope you have minimal drama :)

MandiFuego
by on May. 17, 2012 at 11:09 AM


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Your BFs family is his problem. It is up to him to build/ maintain a relationship with his son. Forcing or pushing him to do more than he is now will cause drama and it will in the long run hurt his son. It's not worth it. Leave that up to your BF. If he doesn't want to make the effort, that's his choice.
Now, whatever effort your BF makes... Make no more of an effort then that. It's just not possible for a NCSP to have a closer relationship with a skid than the NCP. Attempting to do so will make people think you are psycho, including the skid. It will likely put the BM on the defensive and for many that means attack mode. Think pissed off mama bear protecting her young.
Put your focus on the important things that actually involve you like your baby, your relationship, and your own dreams/ goals. Focusing on anything else will start drama.

Ok, maybe I wrote that funny. There's no real issue with my BF's family or HIS realtionship with his son...it's about me figuring out where I fit in the mixture. I'm not going to like go over his head and try to contact her or their child...I'm just saying like...for example...if she throws a birthday party for him states away, she wants him to come but told him I'm not welcome, then changed her mind and said I could come ( see? a wow moment she has all kinds of guys around their son drugs dealers alcoholics, guys that choke her etc etc) THEN her family jumped into it and started attacking me saying if I came up there I was getting my ass beat etc etc  and them saying they hope I lose my baby all kinds of  just...crazy stuff and it's like wow, really?  So, neither of us are going to that party but instead are doing something here for him the following week.

In all honesty, she uses their son as a pawn. She called his job and said he wasn't paying child support and LUCKILY I save EVERYTHING. So he had proof he had in fact been paying the WHOLE time. She'll even say things like "if you want to see your son, then you're going to have to come up here and be with me like we're a family, you owe me that"...like seriously? ( she cheated on him multiple times, even got pregnant by some one else while he was overseas how does he owe HER anything?!) but according to my boyfriends mom ( whos in that state as well) their son has told her that he goes DAYS without seeing his mom, she just leaves him with her 19 year old sister and drunk mom. Thats why my BF's mom goes and gets him because the environment he's in just isn't ideal for a 5 year old boy.

I'm still not understanding why both  people that replied are saying to leave him? So, because he has another child and has to deal with that drama, I should leave a for the most part, great guy, that's also my daughters father, so then the next guy I meet has to figure out where he fits in  BOTH of my children's lives? Maybe I came to the wrong place.  This wasn't "omg, guy, I barely know, I'm pregnant, what are we going to do now?" It was, wow we have a great connection and u drive me crazy but somehow I still love you and you love me and we WANT to be together, and we DECIDED to have a child togehter (actually both wanted a girl, like we're having) we DECIDED to get a house together and pets together, like...we were pretty well invested BEFORE.

Like my whole post was about my realtionship with his SON or at least how to approach the situaiton of being around him in person and his realtionship with my daughter since they are siblings.

MandiFuego
by on May. 17, 2012 at 11:18 AM


Quoting Tarac1012:

blended families are complicated.  I think it's best to focus on the things you can control - your child, your relationship. you can't control the crazy that your BF is related to - he needs to talk to his family about their behaviour and the inappropriate actions they've taken.  As for his son, that sounds complicated and you will have to just see how it goes. Just be who you are and try not to worry about what might happen down the road with SS. Part of it depends on how BF and BM get along - she plays a big role in how SS will view you. If you don't see him that often, I imagine that won't change but who can say.... I certainly wish you all the best and hope you have minimal drama :)

OK, I've read my post a few times over, I'm not trying to be snappy but I'm wondering where people are getting that I have issues with HIS family. The issue is with his BM's family. They get along just fine for the most part until her sisters start yapping in her ear. Somehow everything crazy that's shes done through out the past year or 2 can be traced back to her sisters talking her up to do it. They even admit to telling her to do all this stuff to hurt him ( my boyfriend) because he "deserves it" Based on what? they can never really justify it past, "he left her" I tried talking to her once...it worked out ok....but then she told her sisters that she thinks I'm an ok person and was thinking about letting their son stay with us the whole summer....of course they had a cow about that and told her I was going to poison their son or kidnap him and raise him to be MY child...next thing I know she hates me again. So, I left all that alone...it's like when she thinks for herself, she's rational, and it makes sense, but when she starts telling her family her business ish hits the fan and they completely distort everything to see like a plot for me to hurt her or their son.

Ms.Gwen
by on May. 17, 2012 at 11:28 AM
I wasn't telling you to leave. You have clarified the sitch a bit better for me now, but I still stand by my original advice. I would like to add this to it though....
Stay away from BM and her family. Let your BF do all contact and communication. You can get to know your SS when he comes to visit his dad. Due to his BM and her families obvious issues and the current CO sitch, SS will probobly never be close to you. He may never accept your baby as his sister. He will likely be taught to even hate his own BD. It's a very sad sitch and it will be tough on your relationship/ marriage. Google 'hostile aggressive parenting' or HAP. Get familiar with it. Educate your BF on it.


Quoting MandiFuego:


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

Your BFs family is his problem. It is up to him to build/ maintain a relationship with his son. Forcing or pushing him to do more than he is now will cause drama and it will in the long run hurt his son. It's not worth it. Leave that up to your BF. If he doesn't want to make the effort, that's his choice.

Now, whatever effort your BF makes... Make no more of an effort then that. It's just not possible for a NCSP to have a closer relationship with a skid than the NCP. Attempting to do so will make people think you are psycho, including the skid. It will likely put the BM on the defensive and for many that means attack mode. Think pissed off mama bear protecting her young.

Put your focus on the important things that actually involve you like your baby, your relationship, and your own dreams/ goals. Focusing on anything else will start drama.

Ok, maybe I wrote that funny. There's no real issue with my BF's family or HIS realtionship with his son...it's about me figuring out where I fit in the mixture. I'm not going to like go over his head and try to contact her or their child...I'm just saying like...for example...if she throws a birthday party for him states away, she wants him to come but told him I'm not welcome, then changed her mind and said I could come ( see? a wow moment she has all kinds of guys around their son drugs dealers alcoholics, guys that choke her etc etc) THEN her family jumped into it and started attacking me saying if I came up there I was getting my ass beat etc etc  and them saying they hope I lose my baby all kinds of  just...crazy stuff and it's like wow, really?  So, neither of us are going to that party but instead are doing something here for him the following week.

In all honesty, she uses their son as a pawn. She called his job and said he wasn't paying child support and LUCKILY I save EVERYTHING. So he had proof he had in fact been paying the WHOLE time. She'll even say things like "if you want to see your son, then you're going to have to come up here and be with me like we're a family, you owe me that"...like seriously? ( she cheated on him multiple times, even got pregnant by some one else while he was overseas how does he owe HER anything?!) but according to my boyfriends mom ( whos in that state as well) their son has told her that he goes DAYS without seeing his mom, she just leaves him with her 19 year old sister and drunk mom. Thats why my BF's mom goes and gets him because the environment he's in just isn't ideal for a 5 year old boy.

I'm still not understanding why both  people that replied are saying to leave him? So, because he has another child and has to deal with that drama, I should leave a for the most part, great guy, that's also my daughters father, so then the next guy I meet has to figure out where he fits in  BOTH of my children's lives? Maybe I came to the wrong place.  This wasn't "omg, guy, I barely know, I'm pregnant, what are we going to do now?" It was, wow we have a great connection and u drive me crazy but somehow I still love you and you love me and we WANT to be together, and we DECIDED to have a child togehter (actually both wanted a girl, like we're having) we DECIDED to get a house together and pets together, like...we were pretty well invested BEFORE.

Like my whole post was about my realtionship with his SON or at least how to approach the situaiton of being around him in person and his realtionship with my daughter since they are siblings.


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Ms.Gwen
by on May. 17, 2012 at 11:30 AM
Also, it's very difficult to read that color font. Can you make it a bit darker?
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Tarac1012
by Member on May. 18, 2012 at 1:08 PM

I think because you wrote his mom and her family it sounded like your BF's mom and family not the BM's family. Anyway, I wouldn't have ANY thing to do with BM and her family.  That is for BF to deal with and handle.  Even though you have great intensions, it's obvious that her family is just looking for excuses and reasons and the best way to avoid it is to not go there. They need to leave you alone and if they don't he needs to talk to BM about her family leaving you alone.

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