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I need your opinions, please.

Posted by on May. 17, 2012 at 1:24 AM
  • 7 Replies

I am going to keep this vague as this is a small world, and I don't need BM interfering in this mess. 

DH and I have been married less than 10 years, there are his 2 kids who are in their 20s.  I helped with the kids financially for the years they were still dependent.  I moved into the house that DH built and sold mine.  The housing market hadn't crashed when I sold my house,  and the money from my house is gone.  There were bills to pay, kids to take care of.  The custody was 50/50.  I paid health insurance on the kids, and spent a lot of money doing it, but was happy to be able to provide financially for them all. 
Earlier this year, DH announced that he was going out of state to "look for work".  He hasn't worked in over 4 years. Things hadn't been good between us for a couple of years, and the kids are gone.  Anyway, he took pretty much everything that meant anything to him and left.   He calls almost every day, and has taken the position of being on the fence about our future.  He calls me and complains about where he is, and the people who are there.  I believe that when he left, he went for good, and didn't care what happened to me.  Since he has arrived where he is, he has sort of had a change of heart because, let's face it, he might need me to support him some more.  He hasn't found a job, except the odd jobs.  For me, there isn't much question about our future, meaning, it is non existent.  I did ask that he try to help me with some credit card debt that we have incurred and he agreed.  (Because of his age, he is getting a little income and doesn't need to pay for where he is so money isn't really a problem for him, I pay all the bills, and he does little odd jobs and makes a little money for gas, etc.) I need to add that I believe that he might have some early dementia going on, or at the very least, a really bad memory issue.  Maybe a convenient memory.   Because I asked him to help me financially, again, for the first time in years, though he did get an inheritance from his parents, I have been keeping my mouth shut, and listening to him and going along.  Almost pretending that things between us are okay.  For him, our relationship/marriage, is good or bad, depending on the day, and how he is feeling.  He really is a very unhappy man and takes it out on me emotionally.  I'm not proud of leading him on, but I need the money.  And I don't have to deal with more than a phone call.

The mortgage on the house is in his name, the deed is in both of our names.  I have been paying the mortgage faithfully.  And the property taxes and insurance.  The house is far more than I need or can really handle.  It has special needs.   I have paid a lot more on the mortgage than I would have to pay for rent.  But because I feel it is common decency, I pay.  I do have to live somewhere afterall. 
My question is, do you all think that what I am doing is the right thing?  I want to sell the house, and of course split the money, if there is any.  Saying this house has special needs, is putting it very kindly.  But there is so much that needs to be done, and I am working full time, and at an age where I don't have the energy to come home and paint, and do other things that houses require.  Should I put forth the effort to get the place ready for sale, or should I just move?  And dump it on him?  He has essentially done that to me.  At the time he left, he believed the house was under water, but according to an on-line valuation site, it is slowly recovering.  It did have far more value than now, but a sale at this point would give us both a fresh start.. My other option is to move and just stop paying the mortgage.  I don't even think I can do that.  I am a believer in pay your way, not to mention that old Karma bus. 

I don't want the skids involved in any part of this, and knowing DH that is what he would ask them to do, come here and "protect his interest".  Did I mention he's a douche?   He is also passive aggressive, and plays mind games.  What do you think?  Thank you for taking the time to read this rambling. 




by on May. 17, 2012 at 1:24 AM
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Replies (1-7):
by and that's all on May. 17, 2012 at 6:53 AM
I dont have an answer but this breaks my heart.
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by on May. 17, 2012 at 6:56 AM
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Leave. Get a lawyer. File for divorce. Leave. Sell the house.
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by Bronze Member on May. 17, 2012 at 7:01 AM
Part of me is thinking, ” he left, why can't you? ” oh, that's right, you don't run away!

I really don't know what to say either. try posting this in another group as well, where you can get more opinions... Try ”mom confessions”, that group has a lot of members on it.
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by on May. 17, 2012 at 7:27 AM
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I think you should tell him you can't afford the house. You don't have the time or money that's required and you plan to sell it. Tell him you will pay off all marital debt with whatever profit is made (including costs to prepare it for sale) and split what's left.
If he gets stupid than just walk. But check with a lawyer first and make sure it won't reflect on your credit.
While working to sell the house, file for divorce. You have wasted enough of your time on this fool.
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by on May. 17, 2012 at 8:47 AM
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I think you have gotten great advice. I also think you have wasted a lot on this man who didn't seem to give a damn about what would happen to you. Don't waste anymore.

by on May. 17, 2012 at 10:55 AM

If i were in your shoes I would up and leave it. Its all in his name and it seems he has made it clear he isn't coming back for you. So you aren't one of his concerns bc he knows you'll take care of it. If he is getting some kind of inheritance, then I'd say leave it to fall back on him. Your kids are grown, and you have no reason to stay tied to someone who doesn't care if your there or not. As far as your skids, sounds like you have been in their lives long enough that they themselves have already formed an opinion of you, if you were to leave you might just take a second to explain to them why you are leaving so that if he tries the mind games they already know the whole story. Your problems with your husband is your business and no one else has a place to get involved on either side. If someone feels like it is their place to get into your business and choose a side, then that is just their immaturity.

by Silver Member on May. 22, 2012 at 10:21 PM

Thank you all so much for the support and advice.  I appreciate it more than I can even say!

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