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Please help what can I do? I desperately need your advice!

Posted by on May. 18, 2012 at 1:43 AM
  • 15 Replies

So I am a bit pissed and irritated and I want to write back and answer this! I think this is bullshit! I will let you read what she wrote  in a e-mail and then you can tell me what you think.
For the record when she had custody of her SD got to do her school play, talent show, science camp, and a full two months of tennis which was all on my husbands parenting time with out asking our permission first and we let her go! We didn't get to see SD for almost two months cause of the tennis season but we said OK cause it was what SD wanted to do!We ask her permission on everything for SD to be nice and out of consideration!
We did have SD call her! When SD got off the phone she was crying! It's such bull shit! Her only responsibilities is to be a 11 year old little girl!  
Please ladies: Step moms: Bio Moms: really would you guilt trip your kid this way? This is not OK! Do you think this is OK to do to a 11 year old little girl who's been through hell and back?
Her mom just got out of her 3rd marriage, and is constantly moving around and her last step dad just became her uncle!  She's been through hell! She doesn't need the guilt trip for wanting to be a dame kid!
Sorry ladies but I love this little girl she's been in my life since 2001 she means the world to me to me she's my daughter too! I have helped raise her. She tells me shes hurting and that her mom is hurting her feelings. I don't know what to do! Please help!

This is the email we got today from her in her words spelling and all:

I dont mind if ****** goes to these last schools functions of the school year. I would like make up days sometime this summer to get this weekends days. I would like to get back during summer vacation. I would like for ******* to call me and discuss these days though because I'm dissapointed she didnt feel it was nececcary to call me and talk about missing time with me. I think she needs to understand she does affect other people with her decisions and should have talked to me about it. I dont mind her going but when shes here and speaks of missing me and wanting more time with me but then turning around and wanting to go to dances or whatever is not a pattern of behavoirs I want her sticking too...family should always come first. Like I said I'm fine with her going, but she does need to be told about her responsibilties to both her families and not make too big of a habit of choosing things over her family..and I hope youre on board with that. I would think you are because when ******* was with me there were not hardly any times you would allow her to go to functions that were on your weekends. So I'm kinda asking you to back me up with her on this. Thanks for the email..tell her I love her and ask her to shoot me a call today or tomorrow please.

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by on May. 18, 2012 at 1:43 AM
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Replies (1-10):
E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on May. 18, 2012 at 1:52 AM
2 moms liked this

WTF?

confused

mom2cheesebug
by on May. 18, 2012 at 1:59 AM

It sounds like BM's feelings are hurt that she didn't get a call from her DD about missing her days. From here on out you should just have her call her mom if she doesnt' want to go visit, let her know that its okay and to tell BM she will make it up and that she can attend the sports/events if she would like, but she doesnt' want to miss them. I understand BM is concerned SD is not going to want to come over anymore because she is too busy on the days BM gets her. I thinks he is just trying to say that she wants her DD to understand that their time together is very important and more so important than any sports she goes too. I think this is all a big misunderstanding and you should explain to SD that her BM is not trying to hurt her feelings, but her feelings are hurt that she is missing their time together. Have her start inviting Bm to these things or have Bm take her to them.

Edwards2006
by on May. 18, 2012 at 3:20 AM


Quoting mom2cheesebug:

It sounds like BM's feelings are hurt that she didn't get a call from her DD about missing her days. From here on out you should just have her call her mom if she doesnt' want to go visit, let her know that its okay and to tell BM she will make it up and that she can attend the sports/events if she would like, but she doesnt' want to miss them. I understand BM is concerned SD is not going to want to come over anymore because she is too busy on the days BM gets her. I thinks he is just trying to say that she wants her DD to understand that their time together is very important and more so important than any sports she goes too. I think this is all a big misunderstanding and you should explain to SD that her BM is not trying to hurt her feelings, but her feelings are hurt that she is missing their time together. Have her start inviting Bm to these things or have Bm take her to them.

SD normally does call BM.  When she does call,  BM  makes her feel bad about wanting to go to or do a school activity. The thing is she doesn't do them very often.  We do encourage SD to call and tell BM about any and all sports or school events. we even remind SD right before SD goes to see BM on weekends! SD is afraid to talk to BM cause SD hates when BM tells SD shes being selfish and that SD needs to think of others and not her self!

    My issue with this is that on more then one occasion I have documented that when SD goes to BM house. BM leaves SD at home with BM ex husband and goes out partying with her friends! For someone who wants to spend time with her daughter she sure doesn't show it! SD comes home upset about it! Saying she didn't get to spend anytime with BM cause she went out! I know its true cause for a while I was friends with BM on face book. 

     No offense to anyone but I have spent so many years trying to explain things to my SD about BM and I am so tired of try to make BM look better and of having to try to explain to SD why she does the thing she does. I have told SD so many times BM loves you she just wants to spend time with you that's why she does it! but those reason don't fly any more! SD is not stupid and doesn't believe it!

      SD says if BM really loved her and wanted to spend time with her then she would be there on the weekends and not go out with her friends! BM just needs to grow up in my opinion and be a mom to SD and spend time with her on the weekends she has her not go out!

    We have invited BM to everything she has SD entire school schedule and has not showed up to a single thing! The one thing she told SD she would be at was SD honors choir concert and she called 10 Min's before we left the house and cancelled on SD and it broke her heart! BM keeps telling SD she will come and then she cancels on her and SD is tired of it! 

     I'm not trying to be upset with you.  I appologize if I come off rude or anything I am just trying to explain how much this little girl has gone through so you can maybe get a better picture or out look from her side, I'm just trying to explain to you that we have tried what you suggesting. And I understand your saying that her feelings are hurt that SD didn't call her, but the reason SD didn't call her is cause shes scared to. I have tried to tell her to talk to her and SD has tried to but then they just fight SD says.  then BM gives her a guilt trip for the fact that SD says she wants to keep living with her dad and me.  

   SD just wants to be able to do both! She see's BM 3 weekends a month. she is only asking for one weekend!  the last time she asked for a weekend for a dance or school event was in Febuary! and at that SD went to the dance friday night and left early and we meet BM ex husband the same night as the dance, and SD went to BM house and she wasn't even there! It's not a every month thing. And the time before that was on our weekend visitation. SD doesn't ask very offten! 

    I just don't know what to do! I have tried what your suggesting. Thank you for your suggestion I appreciate it! But I have tried it and it doesn't work.

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Ms.Gwen
by on May. 18, 2012 at 8:15 AM
DH is gunna have to stand up to BM for SD. DH should be the one calling BM and notifying BM of SDs schedule/ events. He needs to parent up for the sake of his child. He should keep the convo short and sweet.. "DD has blank in 2 weeks(allways give plenty of notice) during your visit. Do you want to take her or reschedule your visit?"
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zannahdeux
by Silver Member on May. 18, 2012 at 8:40 AM
I don't see why you are so upset by the email. I think it sounds calm and she is explaining herself and how she feels. It isn't bm who is trying to make her daughter feel guilty but the other way around....if sd is saying things like I feel bad for not spending more time with you, that makes bm feel bad, esp when sd then doesnt go out of her way to spend more time with her mom. At 11 she may feel she is suppose to say this to her mom to make her feel better and she should understand it has the opposite effect. I get that bm and sd did the same thing to you guys when you didnt see her for two months, but you should have said something and you didnt. Lesson lessened right? I really I think she sounds like you can work this out with her calmly for sure. I don't think she wants sd more she just doesn't want to feel guilty about it.....
newstepmom61811
by on May. 18, 2012 at 8:48 AM
2 moms liked this

Actually this BM doesn't sound unreasonable when you really read the email, her tone is kind, not angry, she wants her daughter to go the events, not to miss her ECs, she just wants to make up the time in the summer when things aren't scheduled. I live with a 12 year old SD, they are very social creatures and when things come up they change their minds on a dime. We have to make my SD work on her relationship with her BM too. It is important. As an adult, I think BM in my situation is a POS, I would NEVER live my life like hers but just because I don't approve of her life choices does not give me the right to interfere in the relationship with HER DAUGHTER. She has a relationship with her daughter and you have a relationship with your SD they are separate. Neither you or DH should be in the middle of this. You should put SD on the phone with her BM and tell her "your mom is going to let you miss some time with her to do all these things but you do need to make up the time when the schedule is more open in the summer, you need to talk to her and make plans with her."  Part of your job as a responsible SP is to make her grow up and take ownership of her relationships within the family. It is not your job to referee her relationship with her mom. In my intact family no one refereed me when I dealt with my mom and dad, that was simply part of growing up and being a family and knowing and loving the people in the family, relationship building. Just like you want to build your SM relationship to her, BM has that right as her mother uninterrupted...

Edwards2006
by on May. 18, 2012 at 9:54 AM


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

DH is gunna have to stand up to BM for SD. DH should be the one calling BM and notifying BM of SDs schedule/ events. He needs to parent up for the sake of his child. He should keep the convo short and sweet.. "DD has blank in 2 weeks(allways give plenty of notice) during your visit. Do you want to take her or reschedule your visit?"

DH did call BM when SD told him about it and BM told him to email her about it. We do give her lots of notice. She has a school schedual of all the school events. We gave it to hear at the begining of the school year. Thank your for your advice.

Edwards2006
by on May. 18, 2012 at 10:04 AM


Quoting zannahdeux:

I don't see why you are so upset by the email. I think it sounds calm and she is explaining herself and how she feels. It isn't bm who is trying to make her daughter feel guilty but the other way around....if sd is saying things like I feel bad for not spending more time with you, that makes bm feel bad, esp when sd then doesnt go out of her way to spend more time with her mom. At 11 she may feel she is suppose to say this to her mom to make her feel better and she should understand it has the opposite effect. I get that bm and sd did the same thing to you guys when you didnt see her for two months, but you should have said something and you didnt. Lesson lessened right? I really I think she sounds like you can work this out with her calmly for sure. I don't think she wants sd more she just doesn't want to feel guilty about it.....

Yes your right the email does sound calm.....But she was not calm nor nice on the phone with SD. Thats what I am upset about! and the fact that she is saying that SD has responsiblities, her only resposibilities at this age in my opinion is to be a kid and have fun.

   And your right again SD does tell BM she misses her and wants to spend more time with her, she tells me and DH that she tells her this all the time Cause BM is not there for the entire weekend visitation.  SD hopes if she tells BM this that BM will stay home with her instead of going out with her friends.

       You are right though we can try to work this out camly thats why my husband writes her back and not me. I just don't agree with her being so mean to SD on the phone and making her cry cause SD didn't call her and tell her.  All discussions should be between DH and BM I belive about any and all schedual changes. But thats just my opinion.

Thank you for your opinion and advice.

Ms.Gwen
by on May. 18, 2012 at 10:05 AM
If the parents have communicated about it than why does SD need to? I don't think this is a Childs responsibility. Has DH told BM that it's not SDs job to schedule parenting time and that should be a parent only responsibility? SD needs to be a child not one of the parents involved in her parents drama. If BM had all this notice and it was included in the school schedule than why wasn't this issue figured out at the start of school? Why didn't BM talk to SD about it during her last visit? It's not the kids job to do for the parent. It's the parents job to do for the kid. It sounds like BM and your DH have it all bass ackwards.


Quoting Edwards2006:


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

DH is gunna have to stand up to BM for SD. DH should be the one calling BM and notifying BM of SDs schedule/ events. He needs to parent up for the sake of his child. He should keep the convo short and sweet.. "DD has blank in 2 weeks(allways give plenty of notice) during your visit. Do you want to take her or reschedule your visit?"

DH did call BM when SD told him about it and BM told him to email her about it. We do give her lots of notice. She has a school schedual of all the school events. We gave it to hear at the begining of the school year. Thank your for your advice.


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Edwards2006
by on May. 18, 2012 at 10:13 AM

BM feels that SD should always call her for every event if she wants to go and let her know. The list we gave BM was for every school event for the entire year. SD has not gone to them all only the 4 school dances including the one coming up, and the school lock in where they spend the night at the school gym.

     I agree with you it is not the child's responsibility and so does DH and he has told BM that it should be just between them as to the schedule change. ANd thats why he emailed her this time and tryed to talk to her about it but BM thinks we just want to take time away from her so she wants to hear it from SD, that she wants to go to these things and she wants her to ask her. Other wise she wont Let her go to them. BM didn't talk to SD during last visit cause BM was out with her friends and her ex husband was babysitting SD and her little sister. 

Thanks for the advice!

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

If the parents have communicated about it than why does SD need to? I don't think this is a Childs responsibility. Has DH told BM that it's not SDs job to schedule parenting time and that should be a parent only responsibility? SD needs to be a child not one of the parents involved in her parents drama. If BM had all this notice and it was included in the school schedule than why wasn't this issue figured out at the start of school? Why didn't BM talk to SD about it during her last visit? It's not the kids job to do for the parent. It's the parents job to do for the kid. It sounds like BM and your DH have it all bass ackwards.


Quoting Edwards2006:


Quoting Ms.Gwen:

DH is gunna have to stand up to BM for SD. DH should be the one calling BM and notifying BM of SDs schedule/ events. He needs to parent up for the sake of his child. He should keep the convo short and sweet.. "DD has blank in 2 weeks(allways give plenty of notice) during your visit. Do you want to take her or reschedule your visit?"

DH did call BM when SD told him about it and BM told him to email her about it. We do give her lots of notice. She has a school schedual of all the school events. We gave it to hear at the begining of the school year. Thank your for your advice.



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