Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)

Please help what can I do? I desperately need your advice!

Posted by   + Show Post

So I am a bit pissed and irritated and I want to write back and answer this! I think this is bullshit! I will let you read what she wrote  in a e-mail and then you can tell me what you think.
For the record when she had custody of her SD got to do her school play, talent show, science camp, and a full two months of tennis which was all on my husbands parenting time with out asking our permission first and we let her go! We didn't get to see SD for almost two months cause of the tennis season but we said OK cause it was what SD wanted to do!We ask her permission on everything for SD to be nice and out of consideration!
We did have SD call her! When SD got off the phone she was crying! It's such bull shit! Her only responsibilities is to be a 11 year old little girl!  
Please ladies: Step moms: Bio Moms: really would you guilt trip your kid this way? This is not OK! Do you think this is OK to do to a 11 year old little girl who's been through hell and back?
Her mom just got out of her 3rd marriage, and is constantly moving around and her last step dad just became her uncle!  She's been through hell! She doesn't need the guilt trip for wanting to be a dame kid!
Sorry ladies but I love this little girl she's been in my life since 2001 she means the world to me to me she's my daughter too! I have helped raise her. She tells me shes hurting and that her mom is hurting her feelings. I don't know what to do! Please help!

This is the email we got today from her in her words spelling and all:

I dont mind if ****** goes to these last schools functions of the school year. I would like make up days sometime this summer to get this weekends days. I would like to get back during summer vacation. I would like for ******* to call me and discuss these days though because I'm dissapointed she didnt feel it was nececcary to call me and talk about missing time with me. I think she needs to understand she does affect other people with her decisions and should have talked to me about it. I dont mind her going but when shes here and speaks of missing me and wanting more time with me but then turning around and wanting to go to dances or whatever is not a pattern of behavoirs I want her sticking should always come first. Like I said I'm fine with her going, but she does need to be told about her responsibilties to both her families and not make too big of a habit of choosing things over her family..and I hope youre on board with that. I would think you are because when ******* was with me there were not hardly any times you would allow her to go to functions that were on your weekends. So I'm kinda asking you to back me up with her on this. Thanks for the email..tell her I love her and ask her to shoot me a call today or tomorrow please.

CafeMom TickersCafeMom Tickers
by on May. 18, 2012 at 1:43 AM
Replies (11-15):
by on May. 18, 2012 at 10:19 AM

Quoting newstepmom61811:

Actually this BM doesn't sound unreasonable when you really read the email, her tone is kind, not angry, she wants her daughter to go the events, not to miss her ECs, she just wants to make up the time in the summer when things aren't scheduled. I live with a 12 year old SD, they are very social creatures and when things come up they change their minds on a dime. We have to make my SD work on her relationship with her BM too. It is important. As an adult, I think BM in my situation is a POS, I would NEVER live my life like hers but just because I don't approve of her life choices does not give me the right to interfere in the relationship with HER DAUGHTER. She has a relationship with her daughter and you have a relationship with your SD they are separate. Neither you or DH should be in the middle of this. You should put SD on the phone with her BM and tell her "your mom is going to let you miss some time with her to do all these things but you do need to make up the time when the schedule is more open in the summer, you need to talk to her and make plans with her."  Part of your job as a responsible SP is to make her grow up and take ownership of her relationships within the family. It is not your job to referee her relationship with her mom. In my intact family no one refereed me when I dealt with my mom and dad, that was simply part of growing up and being a family and knowing and loving the people in the family, relationship building. Just like you want to build your SM relationship to her, BM has that right as her mother uninterrupted...

Thank you for your advice and opinion!

by Silver Member on May. 18, 2012 at 10:51 AM

When my DD10 wants to do something on her BF time, I just simply have her call him to ask. She does not talk about make-up visitation time with him, all she does is ask if she can go. He doesn't make her feel guilty though, he has also told her that if she wants to do something he won't stand in her way. Then him and I will talk about make-up visitation at a later time so she has nothing to do with it and is not a part of our conversation. I really believe that kids should be kids too, and leave all the adult stuff (like visitation) to us adults. It's a shame that BM can make her kid feel guilty about her wanting to go to a school event, heck those events are part of being a kid!

Good luck.

by on May. 18, 2012 at 10:52 AM
Well you can't not let SD call BM even though you know it is harmful and BM just guilt trips her. Your DH can continue to express his desire for it to stop and keep communicating via email as he has. You can't change BM. What you guys can do is give SD the tools/ teach her how to deal with difficult people/ situations like she has with her BM. Validate her emotions, encourage her to have a discussion with her mom, teach her the serenity prayer and how to apply it to this situation. Just incase you don't know it...

Grant me the serenity to accept the things (and people) I cannot change,
The courage to change the things I can (myself and my actions), and the wisdom to know the difference.

Stay positive for SD. Create in your home a safe environment to escape this sitch. Tell her constantly that she is strong enough to handle this and that you believe in her.

Quoting Edwards2006:

BM feels that SD should always call her for every event if she wants to go and let her know. The list we gave BM was for every school event for the entire year. SD has not gone to them all only the 4 school dances including the one coming up, and the school lock in where they spend the night at the school gym.

     I agree with you it is not the child's responsibility and so does DH and he has told BM that it should be just between them as to the schedule change. ANd thats why he emailed her this time and tryed to talk to her about it but BM thinks we just want to take time away from her so she wants to hear it from SD, that she wants to go to these things and she wants her to ask her. Other wise she wont Let her go to them. BM didn't talk to SD during last visit cause BM was out with her friends and her ex husband was babysitting SD and her little sister. 

Thanks for the advice!

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

If the parents have communicated about it than why does SD need to? I don't think this is a Childs responsibility. Has DH told BM that it's not SDs job to schedule parenting time and that should be a parent only responsibility? SD needs to be a child not one of the parents involved in her parents drama. If BM had all this notice and it was included in the school schedule than why wasn't this issue figured out at the start of school? Why didn't BM talk to SD about it during her last visit? It's not the kids job to do for the parent. It's the parents job to do for the kid. It sounds like BM and your DH have it all bass ackwards.

Quoting Edwards2006:

Quoting Ms.Gwen:

DH is gunna have to stand up to BM for SD. DH should be the one calling BM and notifying BM of SDs schedule/ events. He needs to parent up for the sake of his child. He should keep the convo short and sweet.. "DD has blank in 2 weeks(allways give plenty of notice) during your visit. Do you want to take her or reschedule your visit?"

DH did call BM when SD told him about it and BM told him to email her about it. We do give her lots of notice. She has a school schedual of all the school events. We gave it to hear at the begining of the school year. Thank your for your advice.

Posted on CafeMom Mobile
by on May. 18, 2012 at 1:30 PM

I'd recommend that instead of SD telling BM that she misses her and wants to spend time with her - she come up with a suggestion of something they can do on her next visit. - Like, Hey mom, next weekend, how about if we go see that new movie ____ ... this way, she's not sounding like she doesn't go to Mom's enough, but she's asking mom for her time - on her time.  I realize she shouldn't HAVE to do this - BM should grow up - but it might help with the refocusing of the guilt trips.  I get the idea that BM has the impression that SD wants to be there more often than she already is - and that you guys are keeping her from that or something and she is missing the point that SD just really wants to see BM when BM has her.

Some people are just that oblivious you almost have to spell it out.  But instead of name calling or telling BM that she isn't there, SD can start planning things with BM to make it easier for both of them to do some quality time together.  Perhaps when SD wants to get mom's opinion or permission on something, she could email her instead of call her - there might be less guilt that way too.

by on May. 19, 2012 at 12:14 AM

Sorry, I am lost. The first half looks like you are arguing with someone. I see nothing wrong with the letter BM wrote. I hate being stood up too by friends and family.

Add your quick reply below:
You must be a member to reply to this post.
Join the Meeting Place for Moms!
Talk to other moms, share advice, and have fun!

(minimum 6 characters)