I posted earlier about my inappropriate BM situation but I really don't think I did it justice. Then I remembered and email that my DH found online and realized that this is actually the best way to describe what we are dealing with here. Anyone else? For more info you can Google the term "Golden Uterus" and all sources are sited. Keep in mind we have both accepted we have faults and flaws and have accepted responsibility for those but she takes it to a whole new level. Happy Reading!
Golden uterus may seem like a snide term. It is. In some ways, the term is a backlash against a certain kind of woman/mother who believes she is the end-all-be-all just because she procreated, or rather, just because she procreated with you before anyone else had children with you.
You see, GUs only revere their own uteruses and motherhood. They’re dismissive of other mothers and their children; especially if they’re second or third wives. They take pride in the fact that they were the first wives; while ignoring the reality that they were such bad wives that their husbands divorced them.
Golden uteruses, despite the sense of superiority and entitlement they derive from the title “mother,” are typically lousy parents if not downright abusive parents. GUs are often the high-conflict, abusive personality-disordered parental alienators. They are the women who expect others, including their own children, to sacrifice everything at the altars they erect to themselves. Golden uteruses lay golden eggs (children) and milk their motherhood, the children and you for all you’re worth.
Here are some characteristics of the golden uterus mom:
1. GU and child are one and the same. The golden uterus child isn’t allowed to have his or her own feelings and opinions. If mommy is sad, then child must be sad. If mommy is mad, then child must be mad. If mommy hates daddy and his new wife; then child must hate daddy and his new wife. If mommy has been “wronged;” then child has been wronged.
The golden uterus believes that her best interests and the child’s best interests are synonymous. There is no “you” and “I.” The golden uterus and child are “we.” It’s a crippling symbiosis for the child in that the golden uterus feeds off of her own child to feel important, powerful and special.
2. GU and child are a two-fer. If you want to have your child in your life after you separate or divorce, the GU believes she’s a part of some twisted package deal. A golden uterus doesn’t understand (or refuses to acknowledge) that you can love and have an independent relationship with the children without her in the middle of it. GUs will try to impose themselves into your individual relationships with the children and any new romantic relationships. However, if GU dates and remarries, it’s none of your damn business.
The GU is allowed to move on with her life. You’re expected to remain on ice, poised to mobilize whenever she demands something. When the GU child wants or needs something, you’re expected to drop everything to do the GU’s child’s bidding.
3. Disobedience is abuse to the golden uterus.
If the children, father/husband/ex-husband doesn’t heed her demands,
the GU perceives it as abuse. If you don’t parent the same way the GU
parents (or mis-parents); you’re a bad parent. If you challenge the GU’s
decisions, she’ll punish you by denying you access to the kids or
taking you to court. “A GU believes that because she gave birth, she has
exclusive rights to all decision-making related to said child, no
matter what anyone else (including the courts or the father) say” (anonymous source).
This applies to the children, too. If they disobey mom or have the temerity to have their own feelings and opinions (you know, what childhood experts call healthy childhood development) that differ from the GU’s feelings and opinions, it’s an act of high treason. There are consequences for this. The children of GUs learn very early in life what side their bread is buttered. This is what makes PAS possible.
4. GU exceptionalism. Even though humans have been procreating since human history began, the GU believes her pregnancy and childbirth are the most special pregnancy and childbirth ever. Most women will tell you that their pregnancy and the birth of their child was one of the most special events in their lives. They don’t expect it to be the most special event in everyone else’s lives.
Furthermore, should you remarry and have children with your new wife, the GU believes that she and the child(ren) you share with her should take precedence over your current relationship and any new offspring. The GU believes she should always come first and, by association with her, the child you share.
For example, let’s say the child you share is an adult, but you’re still obligated to pay your ex, an adult, spousal support. You remarry and have a child with a medical issue. The GU believes her spousal support should be your first priority instead of paying for the second child’s medical expenses. Twistedly enough, many family courts would support this pathological entitlement and adult dependency. As a retired judge-mediator recently told one of my clients during his divorce settlement: “You have two children. One is 16 and the other is 54 and you’re responsible for both of them because you choose to live in a patriarchal state.” This was a female judge, by the way.
5. Boundaries are for everyone else; boundaries don’t apply to the GU. No boundaries. Bupkis. You must respect the GU’s boundaries, but you’re not allowed to have any boundaries. If you have healthy boundaries, the GU will accuse you of being controlling, withholding, abusive, unresponsive and, naturally, a bad dad.
6. All other child caregivers are irrelevant. Fathers are walking ATMs. A father’s role is to financially and emotionally support the mother (i.e., be her emotional punching bag/doormat and listen to her complain about how hard it is to be a mother). That’s it. Fathers get no real input into how the children are raised.
Step-mothers are less than non-entities. They are to act as servants to the children during visitation and are less than handmaidens to the golden uterus. Step-mothers/girlfriends are intruders and are treated as such. Extended paternal family members are to act as a subservient support system to the GU, that is, if she allows them to have any access to the kids. Extended paternal family members are also expected to side with the GU over their own flesh and blood and to dispense cash for the GU’s children’s “needs.”
7. Once you have sex with a GU, she owns you for life. The golden uterus believes that if she gave birth to your children, you are “connected for life.” She should always come first (even if you’ve both remarried) and YOU OWE HER until death you do part.
This also applies to the children. GUs wield guilt over their children with staggering virtuosity. “I am your mother. I carried you for 9 months. No one will ever love you like I do. No one will ever break our bond. No one will ever come between us. I CARRIED you in my WOMB for NINE months. YOU can NEVER do that for me.”
When the children become adults, the GU still believes she should come first in her adult children’s lives and take precedence over their spouses and children. A GU’s children owe her because she is their mother. This is just so sick and twisted. Unlike an ex-husband who can break free of this death grip; many GU kids are indoctrinated into the GU’s warped belief system and it’s extremely difficult for them to break free. If they reject the GU’s distorted belief system and abuses, they’re treated like public enemy number one and may even be disowned by the GU, which wouldn’t necessarily be such a bad thing. Nevertheless, it’s terrifying for many children and adult children to contemplate.
This is a perversion of parenthood. These are often the women who get pregnant so that they’ll have “someone who’ll love [me] unconditionally.” They fail to understand that it’s the parent who’s supposed to meet the child’s love and safety needs and not the other way around.
8. GUs like to take kissy duck face make-out photos with their children.
Facebook addicted GUs like to post kissy-duck face-make-out photos with
their child(ren). It’s rather like manic, digital age pietas. “Look at meeee and my child who loves meeee! See! We’re so close we’re more like best friennnnnds!” Boundaries, shmoundaries.
These photos are similar in nature to the photos drunken college girls take of themselves with their arms wrapped around each other and their faces pressed together. Whenever I see a photo of a mother with her child in a lip lock-bear hug with a Joker smile, I think: ENMESHED GU.
9. Golden uterus mothers are feeeeeeelers. The golden uterus believes that her emotions are reason enough for any action, no matter how despicable. In fact, the GU’s feelings often trump what’s really in the child’s best interests.
For example, “I’m angry with your father” means the children are denied access to their father. Cutting the other parent out of a child’s life is rarely in the child’s best interests. However, the GU is feeeeeeling angry, wronged, ignored, disrespected, challenged, etc., so that becomes her justification to attack and/or punish others—even if her actions violate a court order.
10. Once the GU gives birth, her “job” is done. “GUs believe that simply birthing a child is all they’re responsible for as a contribution to the parenting, raising and welfare of their child. From the moment the child emerges from her hallowed trough, it is solely on the father to provide all for both her and the child” (anonymous source).
Once a GU gives birth, she has her own little foot soldier to weaponize and use as a control device over the child’s father and family. This is when many of these women choose not to return to work. By giving birth, the GU essentially has her husband over a barrel. She knows it and she uses it.
11. Children are possessions; not their own persons. “The GU views the child as her possession. The GU will take all the kudos for birthing a child, but none of the responsibility. If someone tries to point out the discrepancies, the GU will will heave out emotional garbage to cover up their horrible parenting. The GU only views the child in context to herself. Everything is about her” (anonymous source).
12. The GU uses motherhood as an excuse. “Becoming a ‘mother’ is the GU’s excuse for EVERYTHING. She can’t work because ‘mothers don’t work.’ My husband HAS to give her all of his money because she’s the mother of his ONLY child. She lost all identity as a woman and used becoming a mother as her free ride in life” (anonymous source).
Even after their children are in school full-time, GUs still use the kids and being a mother as an excuse not to work outside the home and often not to work inside the home. “You have no idea how stressful it is being a mom.” Um, the kids are in school all day. What do you do with your time? “You always minimize all the hard work I do. YOU HAVE NO IDEA.” Um, the breakfast dishes are still in the sink when I get home from work in the evening. The laundry is piled up and the kids haven’t done their homework. What did you do all day? “HOW DARE YOU DISRESPECT ME. I’m THE MOTHER OF YOUR CHILDREN!”
13. GUs are self-appointed parenting experts. Despite the fact that her parenting behaviors should be used as an example in How NOT to Parent 101, “the golden uterus believes that having birthed a child makes them better and more knowledgeable than others; e.g., the “Well you don’t have kids so how would you know anything?” woman (anonymous source). If you should dare challenge the GU’s parenting skills and superior authority, see number 3 above.
14. Motherhood is a title and a power trip. “The golden uterus views mothering as a title rather than a relationship and a set of behaviors. Mothering requires selflessness at times. It requires sacrifice at times. It requires paying attention to the child and putting your time and energy into meeting their needs, which also requires seeing the child as a unique and separate individual from yourself, not a mirror of your own thoughts, feelings, and needs. A golden uterus mother fails at mothering and instead uses her title to extort things from others ‘in the name of the child.’ Essentially, they use their offspring as a way to get their own needs met” (anonymous source).
15. The GU is never wrong. “The golden uterus seems to expect that they get a total free pass on accountability for their own behavior. I have often told my husband that his ex lives on a one way street paved in double standards. Her own bad behavior is to be overlooked. Yet she will attempt to crucify him for any and all perceived weaknesses or ‘failures.’ She is judge and jury and quick to condemn my husband (and me, for that matter) yet she can do no wrong” (anonymous source).
What can you do if the mother of your children has a golden uterus complex?
There’s nothing you can do to change her. Nothing. She’s highly unlikely to see the light and morph into a reasonable human being and good mother. Your goal, as with all high-conflict abusive types, should be containment. You accomplish containment through establishing iron-clad boundaries. Learn to say no and then practice deafening your ears to the caterwauling.
Don’t let her use your children as an extortion mechanism. Don’t allow the children to view you as a human ATM machine. In other words, don’t reward your children’s bad behavior with money, gifts, trips and other goodies, otherwise, they will view you the same way that their mother does. I know many fathers are desperate for time with their children and use toys and expensive entertainment as bait. Trust me, this is not the relationship you want with your children. It’s a quick path to time with them, but it’s an unhealthy and impermanent one.
Decide exactly how much bad behavior you’re willing to to tolerate from your ex and what offenses you want to pursue in court. Forget about co-parenting with a GU; it’s next to impossible. You will be less frustrated if you try to parallel parent. A GU will undermine you at nearly every turn. Expect it and plan for it.
Don’t put your current wife/girlfriend in the middle and don’t tolerate your ex or your children disrespecting her. Demand respect for yourself and your loved ones. If your ex and the kids violate these boundaries, find appropriate consequences for their violations.
Finally, don’t drink the golden uterus’ kool-aid. The fact that you once had a relationship with her/share a child does not bind you together for life. Just because she wants this to be the truth doesn’t make it so. Just because your ex has chosen to define herself by a failed relationship and 36 hours in a delivery room doesn’t mean you have to do the same. GUs are legends in their own minds and their own worst enemies. Minimize contact and try to foster healthy boundaries, values and senses of self in your children during the time you have them and hope it sticks.
The "Golden Uterus Complex" is also a Mother who begins her campaign against ExH of Parental Alienation. A lot of what I've just read (or skimmed) on each area here goes along with PA.
Why Parental Alienation is the Act of an Emotionally Abusive Bully
February 25, 2009
Parental alienation is no joke. It’s a form of child abuse. The custodial parent is usually the mother and it’s typically the custodial parent who engages in parental alienation. However, there are men who also engage in parental alienation.
Original research found women to be the perpetrators of this abusive behavior in 90% of reported cases. Recent research indicates both genders equally engage in parental alienation. It’s difficult to know the exact figures because of under-reporting, false accusations and the positive bias toward mothers that’s rampant in most family courts.
Profile of Parental Alienation
Individuals who engage in parental alienation are like the mean kids in high school who demand that their friends be angry with whomever they’re angry with and hate whomever they hate. In children, this phenomenon is called relational aggression. Now she or he is a parent. They’re mad because your relationship ended—even if they’re the one who initiated the break-up.
Your ex requires, implicitly or explicitly, that your child(ren) feel and act the same way she or he does. The parent who engages in alienation tactics enlists your children to take on his or her battle against you. This is not the act of a responsible, mature adult, much less a responsible, loving parent. This is a bullying behavior called mobbing.
Bullying, Mobbing and Parental Alienation
Mobbing is usually written about in the context of workplace bullying, but that’s a limited use of the concept. It can occur in any kind of system, including a family system. Mobbing is the impassioned psychological harassment of one individual by a group. The attack is usually instigated and led by one or two people who are typically in a position of authority or a peer leader. The International Herald Tribune describes it as “group victimization of a single target” with the goal of demeaning, discrediting, alienating, excluding, humiliating and isolating the targeted individual.
Mobbing ringleaders are bullies who try to dominate and control others in most situations and relationships. Namie and Namie (2000) describe them as, “inadequate, defective and poorly developed people.” They’re generally angry, unpredictable, critical, jealous and manipulative (Davenport, Schwartz and Elliot, 1999; Namie and Namie, 2000). The emotionally abusive bully who engages in mobbing (or parental alienation) revels in the excitement produced by their animosity. It produces a pleasurable buzz or rush in them. Westhues (2002) refers to this as “the euphoria of collective attack.” Sound familiar?
Parental Alienation and Personality Disorders
People that have no compunction about using their kids to hurt their exes seem to fit the profile of the emotionally abusive Cluster B personality disorders (Borderline Personality Disorder, Narcissistic Personality Disorder, Antisocial Personality Disorder). Many of these individuals play the professional victim as they emotionally bully anyone who confronts, challenges or criticizes them. They don’t recognize appropriate boundaries, won’t accept personal responsibility for their actions—in fact, they blame you for the horrible things they do and always have an excuse to justify their indefensible behaviors.
If your ex is actively or passively alienating your child(ren)’s normal affection toward you, he or she was probably emotionally abusive while you were together. Parental alienation is her or his way of continuing to abuse and hurt you via remote access. Generally, most bullies don’t see themselves as such. If you confront your ex about this behavior, they’ll deny it and blame you for your deteriorating relationship with your child(ren), even as you make every effort to be a present and involved parent.
The only way to stop a bully is with the threat of a greater authority. Appealing to their “better nature” is futile. Emotionally abusive bullies don’t have a better nature. Attorneys and the courts will probably need to be involved as well as an UNBIASED children’s therapist and a lot of documentation. If you believe you’re the target of parental alienation, I encourage you to educate yourself about it and to know, protect and fight for your rights.
by Dr Tara J. Palmatier, PsyD
Yes, and unfortunately we are very familiar with PA as well. Yay for the court system rewarding such abusive behavior. Punish the father because, well let's face it: he's male, and the stepmother, well because she's evil. It seems like a great reason to put the children in harms way with PA or GUC. Thank you for sharing the PA article.
Quoting 1SpaZZedMom:The "Golden Uterus Complex" is also a Mother who begins her campaign against ExH of Parental Alienation. A lot of what I've just read (or skimmed) on each area here goes along with PA.
I have to tell you it's way more common than you think. There are times when my SDS' BM does things because she loves them and I think, "There's no way in HELL she would expose me to that because she in fact TRULY DID LOVE ME!" These women are pathetic and they shouldn't even be taken into consideration with the real moms out there who actually work hard at being an honest to God good mom.
Quoting rwblake2011:
HAHAHA OMG My dsd BM soo has this!
Absolutely no problem with sharing that article!
I know exactly what you mean as far as the legal system. It is completely stomach churning and something that we are going through. DH is CP, has been since birth for SKs. SKs have completely turned against me to start with, and now, DH.
He is so heart-broken and not the man I knew even when I met him. He was broken after his divorce, and I'm the one who picked up his heart and put it back together. I picked up SSs hearts and put them back together. Now, it is as if DHs heart is beyond repair. I'm sure I'll get to where I can put it back together - but, it will never be whole again.
PA has ruined our lives. And, the legal system is NOT helping out at all. In fact, they are making it worse.
Sounds like you know exactly what I speak of.
Quoting laurenr144:Yes, and unfortunately we are very familiar with PA as well. Yay for the court system rewarding such abusive behavior. Punish the father because, well let's face it: he's male, and the stepmother, well because she's evil. It seems like a great reason to put the children in harms way with PA or GUC. Thank you for sharing the PA article.
Quoting 1SpaZZedMom:The "Golden Uterus Complex" is also a Mother who begins her campaign against ExH of Parental Alienation. A lot of what I've just read (or skimmed) on each area here goes along with PA.
Dont know about duck face as I dont check her facebook but it wouldnt surprise me.
I am so very sorry to hear about the heartache in your house. Yes, I
do know exactly what you're going through. We are at least lucky
enough that BM is dysfunctional enough, disorganized enough and doesn't
have the funds (because she refuses to get a job and oh I don't know,
help contribuite to her own life) that she doesn't fight us in court,
because she can't.
Quoting 1SpaZZedMom:Absolutely no problem with sharing that article!
I know exactly what you mean as far as the legal system. It is completely stomach churning and something that we are going through. DH is CP, has been since birth for SKs. SKs have completely turned against me to start with, and now, DH.
He is so heart-broken and not the man I knew even when I met him. He was broken after his divorce, and I'm the one who picked up his heart and put it back together. I picked up SSs hearts and put them back together. Now, it is as if DHs heart is beyond repair. I'm sure I'll get to where I can put it back together - but, it will never be whole again.
PA has ruined our lives. And, the legal system is NOT helping out at all. In fact, they are making it worse.
Sounds like you know exactly what I speak of.
Quoting laurenr144:Yes, and unfortunately we are very familiar with PA as well. Yay for the court system rewarding such abusive behavior. Punish the father because, well let's face it: he's male, and the stepmother, well because she's evil. It seems like a great reason to put the children in harms way with PA or GUC. Thank you for sharing the PA article.
Quoting 1SpaZZedMom:The "Golden Uterus Complex" is also a Mother who begins her campaign against ExH of Parental Alienation. A lot of what I've just read (or skimmed) on each area here goes along with PA.
She got better for a period of time after she ha her baby last year but now she is starting to treat that baby and her bf the same way she treats dss and dh. Her bf cares for the baby most afternoon / evenings and if she is home bf and dss still do most of the care. She wants to live in a city 22 miles away from the cities we live in so she has open enrolled dss there yet she never takes him there or picks him up on her time her father or bf do it. (her bf has told her he is not moving there).
When dh called her to talk to her about dss poor grades and the fact that he isn't doing his work at her house she yelled and screamed and told him he's not her father and he can't tell her what to do. Dh (calmly) told her no
I'm not your father but I am dss father and I wan him to do well in school. Her response was well he's 11 I shouldn't have to make sure he does his work it his problem if it isn't done. What do you want me to do.
She actually told dh if he would sign over his rights to dss she would allow the cs drop to the new calculation ( see my cs review post for that story) dh was like um no way I won't sign over my child first of all and second if I was neglectful enough to do that I wouldn't have to pay you anything. She responded well that's the deal. She's nutso lol
Who pays the sitter?
- laurenr144
on May. 18, 2012 at 7:55 PM