Guilt trip

[maof1andhalf]

My SD11 has been staying with me for 2 months now and everytime she talks to her BM on the phone BM gives her a guilt trip (it could be about anything) last night BM told her that she's getting a divorce and started talking about how much it would cost to live on her own (in full detail) what 11 yr old needs to know this?? Then BM asked how she was doing in school and about her attitude SD said "I'm doing great" BM got pissed because she is doing well...shouldn't she be proud??? Then to top it off BM tells SD that we (DH) is fighting for custody and BM will be all alone to work and pay bills...again what can an 11yr old do to help her??? I just get so annoyed that she puts so much burden on a child!!!! She's a kid let her be a kid!!!!

[neverbeamom]

I highly doubt BM could just "make" SD come back to live with her.  I'm sure BF would let it happen and would probably fight for custody if that were the case, since she so easily sent her daughter away.  And I didn't know that BM sent her to live there.  So, to answer your question, YES it makes sense to me.  BM is obviously putting adult burdens on her child's shoulders (are you not one of the women in here that say kids do not need to know the adult's problems?).  

Also, I didn't know any of the back story- all I knew was what was posted.  So therefore, my opinion is based off what I read here.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Does this make sense to you? If BM wanted SD to come back home, she'd make her come back home. This is not up to SD, it was BM who sent her there. There is no need for a guilt trip. BM has custody and Dad isn't even in the country. BM could take SD back anytime she wants.

Quoting neverbeamom:

There's no trust if BM is making SD feel like shit about not living with her.  

It's probably a good thing SD DOESN'T live with her mother.  It would be the same no matter where SD was.  BM would be manipulative when SD visited BF and SM.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Quoting ErinRenee815:

So yes maybe BM is pissed that SD is doing better with me but I show the child respect and teach her good values.

Teaching this child to lie to her mother in your "role playing" activites is not good values IMO. 

That's what I was thinking too.

BM trusts you to take care of her daughter for her. I would think you'd want to work with her, not against her.

[whatIknownow]

She has to allow SD to talk to her mother without interference. She shouldn't be in the room. 

the thing about fighting for custody makes no sense either. Dad can't fight for custody. He had no relationship with this child at all up until April of this year. Hadn't even seen her in 2 years. Now  he's out of the country most of the time so he won't really be able to form a relationship  with her. BM is not in any danger of losing custody to Dad. SD is staying with SM because BM wants her to stay there.

I find this whole situation very strange. I wonder if the BM knows the SM feels this way about her and is trying to alienate her daughter from her.

Quoting neverbeamom:

Yes because ignoring a toxic phone call is the best way to deal with it.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Your best bet is to go into another room so you don't have to hear these conversations. Then they won't bother you.

[neverbeamom]

And, it still doesn't make what BM is doing RIGHT.  

How are you defending a mother that puts this on her kid's shoulders?

Quoting whatIknownow:

Does this make sense to you? If BM wanted SD to come back home, she'd make her come back home. This is not up to SD, it was BM who sent her there. There is no need for a guilt trip. BM has custody and Dad isn't even in the country. BM could take SD back anytime she wants.

Quoting neverbeamom:

There's no trust if BM is making SD feel like shit about not living with her.  

It's probably a good thing SD DOESN'T live with her mother.  It would be the same no matter where SD was.  BM would be manipulative when SD visited BF and SM.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Quoting ErinRenee815:

So yes maybe BM is pissed that SD is doing better with me but I show the child respect and teach her good values.

Teaching this child to lie to her mother in your "role playing" activites is not good values IMO. 

That's what I was thinking too.

BM trusts you to take care of her daughter for her. I would think you'd want to work with her, not against her.

[Sept-babies2]

yeah i kinda understand..in my situation bm tells her 3 year old how she doesnt like me..why would you say that to your daughter ..especially when her daughter loves me..just not right

[whatIknownow]

Read her other post:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/16469842/Raising_a_SD_alone

BF has no shot at custody. And he's in no position to raise this child because he works out of the country. Only with BM's blessing will the girl stay in that home.

I *totally* don't agree with an adult putting these burdens on a child (and I have that going on in my sitch too), but at the same time, SM can't control that. If she tries, BM will take her child back.

Quoting neverbeamom:

I highly doubt BM could just "make" SD come back to live with her.  I'm sure BF would let it happen and would probably fight for custody if that were the case, since she so easily sent her daughter away.  And I didn't know that BM sent her to live there.  So, to answer your question, YES it makes sense to me.  BM is obviously putting adult burdens on her child's shoulders (are you not one of the women in here that say kids do not need to know the adult's problems?).  

Also, I didn't know any of the back story- all I knew was what was posted.  So therefore, my opinion is based off what I read here.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Does this make sense to you? If BM wanted SD to come back home, she'd make her come back home. This is not up to SD, it was BM who sent her there. There is no need for a guilt trip. BM has custody and Dad isn't even in the country. BM could take SD back anytime she wants.

Quoting neverbeamom:

There's no trust if BM is making SD feel like shit about not living with her.  

It's probably a good thing SD DOESN'T live with her mother.  It would be the same no matter where SD was.  BM would be manipulative when SD visited BF and SM.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Quoting ErinRenee815:

So yes maybe BM is pissed that SD is doing better with me but I show the child respect and teach her good values.

Teaching this child to lie to her mother in your "role playing" activites is not good values IMO. 

That's what I was thinking too.

BM trusts you to take care of her daughter for her. I would think you'd want to work with her, not against her.

[whatIknownow]

Well, for one thing, the story doesn't make sense to me.

So it's not that I'm "defending" her, I'm just confused by the conflicting details.

Why was SM listening in on this converation? was it on speaker? 

It seems to me that if the OP really wants to help this child, she should make BM her ally, not her enemy. Considering BM can take SD back any time, and SM has no legal rights at all.

Quoting neverbeamom:

And, it still doesn't make what BM is doing RIGHT.  

How are you defending a mother that puts this on her kid's shoulders?

Quoting whatIknownow:

Does this make sense to you? If BM wanted SD to come back home, she'd make her come back home. This is not up to SD, it was BM who sent her there. There is no need for a guilt trip. BM has custody and Dad isn't even in the country. BM could take SD back anytime she wants.

Quoting neverbeamom:

There's no trust if BM is making SD feel like shit about not living with her.  

It's probably a good thing SD DOESN'T live with her mother.  It would be the same no matter where SD was.  BM would be manipulative when SD visited BF and SM.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Quoting ErinRenee815:

So yes maybe BM is pissed that SD is doing better with me but I show the child respect and teach her good values.

Teaching this child to lie to her mother in your "role playing" activites is not good values IMO. 

That's what I was thinking too.

BM trusts you to take care of her daughter for her. I would think you'd want to work with her, not against her.

[neverbeamom]

Then let BM take the child back.  If BM sent her child away to nearly perfect strangers, why would she be so quick to take her back?

Quoting whatIknownow:

Read her other post:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/16469842/Raising_a_SD_alone

BF has no shot at custody. And he's in no position to raise this child because he works out of the country. Only with BM's blessing will the girl stay in that home.

I *totally* don't agree with an adult putting these burdens on a child (and I have that going on in my sitch too), but at the same time, SM can't control that. If she tries, BM will take her child back.

Quoting neverbeamom:

I highly doubt BM could just "make" SD come back to live with her.  I'm sure BF would let it happen and would probably fight for custody if that were the case, since she so easily sent her daughter away.  And I didn't know that BM sent her to live there.  So, to answer your question, YES it makes sense to me.  BM is obviously putting adult burdens on her child's shoulders (are you not one of the women in here that say kids do not need to know the adult's problems?).  

Also, I didn't know any of the back story- all I knew was what was posted.  So therefore, my opinion is based off what I read here.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Does this make sense to you? If BM wanted SD to come back home, she'd make her come back home. This is not up to SD, it was BM who sent her there. There is no need for a guilt trip. BM has custody and Dad isn't even in the country. BM could take SD back anytime she wants.

Quoting neverbeamom:

There's no trust if BM is making SD feel like shit about not living with her.  

It's probably a good thing SD DOESN'T live with her mother.  It would be the same no matter where SD was.  BM would be manipulative when SD visited BF and SM.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Quoting ErinRenee815:

So yes maybe BM is pissed that SD is doing better with me but I show the child respect and teach her good values.

Teaching this child to lie to her mother in your "role playing" activites is not good values IMO. 

That's what I was thinking too.

BM trusts you to take care of her daughter for her. I would think you'd want to work with her, not against her.

[whatIknownow]

I don't know.

but she certainly wouldn't have to guilt her into coming back. That is my point.

Quoting neverbeamom:

Then let BM take the child back.  If BM sent her child away to nearly perfect strangers, why would she be so quick to take her back?

Quoting whatIknownow:

Read her other post:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/16469842/Raising_a_SD_alone

BF has no shot at custody. And he's in no position to raise this child because he works out of the country. Only with BM's blessing will the girl stay in that home.

I *totally* don't agree with an adult putting these burdens on a child (and I have that going on in my sitch too), but at the same time, SM can't control that. If she tries, BM will take her child back.

Quoting neverbeamom:

I highly doubt BM could just "make" SD come back to live with her.  I'm sure BF would let it happen and would probably fight for custody if that were the case, since she so easily sent her daughter away.  And I didn't know that BM sent her to live there.  So, to answer your question, YES it makes sense to me.  BM is obviously putting adult burdens on her child's shoulders (are you not one of the women in here that say kids do not need to know the adult's problems?).  

Also, I didn't know any of the back story- all I knew was what was posted.  So therefore, my opinion is based off what I read here.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Does this make sense to you? If BM wanted SD to come back home, she'd make her come back home. This is not up to SD, it was BM who sent her there. There is no need for a guilt trip. BM has custody and Dad isn't even in the country. BM could take SD back anytime she wants.

Quoting neverbeamom:

There's no trust if BM is making SD feel like shit about not living with her.  

It's probably a good thing SD DOESN'T live with her mother.  It would be the same no matter where SD was.  BM would be manipulative when SD visited BF and SM.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Quoting ErinRenee815:

So yes maybe BM is pissed that SD is doing better with me but I show the child respect and teach her good values.

Teaching this child to lie to her mother in your "role playing" activites is not good values IMO. 

That's what I was thinking too.

BM trusts you to take care of her daughter for her. I would think you'd want to work with her, not against her.

[Sarahtk81]

I totally agree, my sd12, is always put in the middle. Bm always tells my husband don't put kids in the middle, yet she plays the victim all the time. So then the kids are torn on how to even feel. My god, when I was 11 my most concern was what park to go that day. In our house we try to keep it normal, but it's so hard when that phone rings and drama stArts

[neverbeamom]

I noticed you didn't have any suggestions in that other post.  

Quoting whatIknownow:

I don't know.

but she certainly wouldn't have to guilt her into coming back. That is my point.

Quoting neverbeamom:

Then let BM take the child back.  If BM sent her child away to nearly perfect strangers, why would she be so quick to take her back?

Quoting whatIknownow:

Read her other post:

http://www.cafemom.com/group/114270/forums/read/16469842/Raising_a_SD_alone

BF has no shot at custody. And he's in no position to raise this child because he works out of the country. Only with BM's blessing will the girl stay in that home.

I *totally* don't agree with an adult putting these burdens on a child (and I have that going on in my sitch too), but at the same time, SM can't control that. If she tries, BM will take her child back.

Quoting neverbeamom:

I highly doubt BM could just "make" SD come back to live with her.  I'm sure BF would let it happen and would probably fight for custody if that were the case, since she so easily sent her daughter away.  And I didn't know that BM sent her to live there.  So, to answer your question, YES it makes sense to me.  BM is obviously putting adult burdens on her child's shoulders (are you not one of the women in here that say kids do not need to know the adult's problems?).  

Also, I didn't know any of the back story- all I knew was what was posted.  So therefore, my opinion is based off what I read here.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Does this make sense to you? If BM wanted SD to come back home, she'd make her come back home. This is not up to SD, it was BM who sent her there. There is no need for a guilt trip. BM has custody and Dad isn't even in the country. BM could take SD back anytime she wants.

Quoting neverbeamom:

There's no trust if BM is making SD feel like shit about not living with her.  

It's probably a good thing SD DOESN'T live with her mother.  It would be the same no matter where SD was.  BM would be manipulative when SD visited BF and SM.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Quoting ErinRenee815:

So yes maybe BM is pissed that SD is doing better with me but I show the child respect and teach her good values.

Teaching this child to lie to her mother in your "role playing" activites is not good values IMO. 

That's what I was thinking too.

BM trusts you to take care of her daughter for her. I would think you'd want to work with her, not against her.