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 It seems as though women pretty much understand what 50/50 means. But there are alot of dads out there who did not get the effin memo.

To me, it doesnt mean you just get remarried and send in the new one!

If there is a ortho appt. scheduled on your time, you go to your employer and you tell them that you will have to leave work a little early that day.

If the school calls and says your kid is puking and has a fever, you have to leave work to go get them....stop by the drug store on the way home....get on the phone and make a Dr's appt.

Where are these men getting so confused that after divorce, his ex will just keep on doing what she always had to do but it really doesnt apply to him because all he has to do is find a new one to do those tasks for him now.

And why the eff as women are we letting this happen? It aint 1950 anymore!

With the newfound popularity of 50/50 custody situations that everyone is screaming they must give, where is the personal responsibility on the mens part?

WTF?

by on May. 30, 2012 at 2:19 PM
Replies (41-50):
baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 30, 2012 at 5:19 PM

 I'm definitely not talking about the occasional help. I'm talking about stepmoms who get put in the mom role in their house 50% of the time where there is a mother on the other side of that saying, "hey, thanks but no thanks, I would like to have the mommy things covered and raise my child with the father, not another party I didnt even ask for."

Quoting rocknmom85:

Um, a lot of men really army good at those things and as a couple they divide tasks with their spouse by capability and time. Just because times have changed doesn't mean men are going to suddenly become awesome housewives and and be able to do all the "women" tasks with ease. My dh's strengths are cooking, discipling the kids and even laundry. His weaknesses are cleaning the house, coordinating kids activities and schedules and he just has a bad memory in general. So in our house he cooks and does most the laundry and takes care of discipline while I do the cleaning and scheduling. If dh has an important thing going on during a Drs appt then I will take them and its no biggie to us. This is the only way we all keep our sanity. If he was expected to everything for the kids we would have missed appts and a messy house, it would drive me nuts.


Quoting ErinRenee815:

But but but my husband just isn't good with paper work or laundry or "relating to his kid"  So I just do all that stuff for him. 


 

OregonMom80
by on May. 30, 2012 at 5:35 PM
1 mom liked this

What the parents can do depends on the agreement.  Over the past 1 ½ years, DH went from EOWE to 36% to 45% and now 50/50, but BM still has legal custody & in our state that means only SHE can arrange for routine healthcare & since she is not allowed to schedule anything during DH's time, none of DSS's appointments are during his time.  Now, when BM didn't take DSS to a dentist for years, DH did it anyway despite the CO (before my time); however, 50/50 parenting time does not mean shared custody in our state, so legally he still does NOT have the same rights.  As far as we know, BM's unemployed bf does not take DSS to the doctor, but neither do I.  In fact, he can't because he can't legally authorize a doctor to even perform an exam unless BM signed a medical power of attorney.

I disagree with your idea that the parent who can take the child to the appointments should have custody.  A parent being available could be for any number of detrimental reasons that would make them NOT the best parent for custody.  Plus, it may not be that the CP isn't available to do it, but that it doesn't make sense.  My DH and I have split household duties having nothing to do with DSS.  I like to cook, so I do it whether DSS is there or not.  DH is organized enough that he gets by fine & did without me, but he isn't organized enough to suit me - someone who has ALWAYS planned ahead and been uber-organized, so I keep the family schedule.  I also work in finance, so he follows my lead on the main financial decisions.  I am NOT "doing his job for him" though.  He does the car maintenance and house repairs because he likes it and is skilled at it.  He does most of the yard work.  He does the dishes because I hate it.  We have chosen to play to each other's strengths and divide the household work in the best way for us.  If we had legal custody & I had the most flexible job of the two of us (I don't btw), I would be fine with being the appt person (assuming he signed a medical power of attorney) or doing some of the pick-ups/drop-offs at DSS's school.  And if DH had legal custody in our state, BM could NOT take DSS to the doc at all except for an emergency.  Since DH has a more flexible schedule, he does it.  If I were a SAHM I can assure you that I would NOT think it was reasonable to expect my working husband to take time off for doc appts when I'm home and available. 

As a side note, many states only give the other parent ROFR for even all-day daycare if neither of the adults in the household are available because they recognize the right of the parent to have their spouse participate in the division of household duties.  So DH has the right to ask me to watch DSS and only if NEITHER of us can do it (or if I refused I suppose), does BM get a say in having DSS rather than a daycare provider.  Same goes with her house though - she has her sleeze ball bf watch DSS all the time.

packermomof2
by on May. 30, 2012 at 5:41 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting pepper504:

What I do not get is why does it matter who does what as long as it is getting done and the child is taken care of? 

Because kids aren't puppies or fish or potted plants.  It matters who takes care of a kid... a pet or a potted plant, not so much.  Kids see who takes care of them... it bodes well for the parent to do the majority of that so the kids see that they are important enough for their parents to take the time to take care of them instead of having someone else do it.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on May. 30, 2012 at 5:46 PM


Quoting packermomof2:


Quoting pepper504:

What I do not get is why does it matter who does what as long as it is getting done and the child is taken care of? 

Because kids aren't puppies or fish or potted plants.  It matters who takes care of a kid... a pet or a potted plant, not so much.  Kids see who takes care of them... it bodes well for the parent to do the majority of that so the kids see that they are important enough for their parents to take the time to take care of them instead of having someone else do it.

If you say so. :)

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 30, 2012 at 5:53 PM
3 moms liked this

 I dont know about you but when I decided to get pregnant, I wanted to be the one to do all this stuff. I imagined it. From going to the doctors for first shots, doing her hair for a ballet recital, down to talking her off a cliff when her best little buddy would surely hurt her feelings one day. Even the one who dealt with the tantrums on the floor. Why? these things are important to me. They are what make me a mom. I may have gotten divorced, but I in no way would ever give up those things just because my ex got married. I also think it to be equally important to a childs developement to have had her father doing these things too. I do not think it enhances her development one iota to have two freakin mommies. Especially two who are now in a competing stance. One saying back off and one saying , "no". Now it is even possibly detrimental to the childs growth if you ask me.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on May. 30, 2012 at 6:02 PM
1 mom liked this


Quoting baparrot2:

 

Quoting pepper504:

And again, see bolded below. :)

Quoting yesmaam:

 For me, my arguement is that if BF cannot do it as the CP, then I will. It isn't his wife's responsibility, especially when I am willing, able, available. I take priority over SM in every aspect of DS's life.

Quoting pepper504:

What I do not get is why does it matter who does what as long as it is getting done and the child is taken care of? 

There are a lot of cases where SM is the stay at home parent and it may be easier for DH to give her some of the parenting responsibility when the child[ren] are with him on his time.  He worked when he was married to BM, he worked when he divorced BM and works now that he is married to SM.  Nothing really changed, right? 

Honestly, the ONLY way that 50/50 works is if everyone gets along, everyone works together and everyone worries about their own household.  SPs are used as backup in case the BP cannot be there.  It happens, it works, the world keeps spinning.  

 


 I disagree! It seems like the world is spinning out of control for alot of these women! Effecting all involved.

My biggest complaint is that when divorce happens, it DOES change things, it's supposed to. But the men seem fairly untouched by it as long as he gets a new maid wife.

Disclaimer: there are plenty of men out there who "get it" and are not doing this. But in this forum it seems rampant.

You can disagree all that you want.  You do not have 50/50 and you would not be able to do it.  The world is not spinning out of control.  It's people, like yourself, who do not understand that a SP can play a very beneficial part of a child's life.  You were dealt a shitty hand in that department in both your growing up as well as with regards to your DD's father.  So, I do get how you cannot even begin to understand sharing the responsibilities with another person. 

I do.  I do it on a daily basis.  My ex is as much a part of my DD15's life as I am.  Who does what in BD's home when DD15 is over there is none of my business.  SM has gone to *gasp* some parent teacher conferences with me and I have met her at the doctor's office (and she went into the room with me) when it was BD's time.  I think that there are women out there who cannot relinquish control and are too busy trying to put another woman in her place instead of seeing what that person can bring to the table.  No, it is not easy at first, but I also am not an overly assertive person and neither is SM.  Boundaries are common sense and none had to be established. 

That being said, why judge someone when it works for them?  Just because you (in general) cannot even begin to fathom being put in my shoes, does not mean I am any less of a parent because *gasp* SM is treated like another person in my DD15's life who loves her.

E_is_4_Ethan
by Platinum Member on May. 30, 2012 at 6:03 PM

What I don't get is....why would a SM want to do all those things if the parents want to?

I would love for BM to say...I'll take my child to the dr.

Inside, I'd be saying...FUCK YEAH...PLEASE DO!

That gives me more time with my kids. 


pepper504
by Platinum Member on May. 30, 2012 at 6:09 PM
2 moms liked this


Quoting baparrot2:

 I dont know about you but when I decided to get pregnant, I wanted to be the one to do all this stuff. I imagined it. From going to the doctors for first shots, doing her hair for a ballet recital, down to talking her off a cliff when her best little buddy would surely hurt her feelings one day. Even the one who dealt with the tantrums on the floor. Why? these things are important to me. They are what make me a mom. I may have gotten divorced, but I in no way would ever give up those things just because my ex got married. I also think it to be equally important to a childs developement to have had her father doing these things too. I do not think it enhances her development one iota to have two freakin mommies. Especially two who are now in a competing stance. One saying back off and one saying , "no". Now it is even possibly detrimental to the childs growth if you ask me.

It is what happens when you choose to divorce.  You choose to have two SPs come into your child's life.  That you cannot control.  Once you accept that, life is a lot easier.  No one is competiting to be my child's mother.  She has a mother.  I kiss her boo boos, I am the first person that she calls or comes running to when something good/bad happens, I am there.  It does make me any less of a mother for allowing her father to be a parent to her as well.  I did not make her on my own.  No one is competing for my child.  She has four people who love her and yes, it is very benefiical to her, not detrimental to her growth. 

Again, you do not have 50/50 nor have the mentality to have 50/50.  You have a shitty ex who walked away from a beautiful child and guess what, that sucks, but you pick up the pieces and move on in life.  I will never understand what you have gone through just like you will never understand what I have.  We both arrive on the opposite side of things, and to try to diminish my role in my child's life because I care to share her with her father (and holy shiznit, his wife) does not make me any less of a person as it does for her father to share her with my husband and myself.  We are ALL secure in our lives and in who we are that there is no competition. 

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on May. 30, 2012 at 6:10 PM

 

Quoting pepper504:


Quoting baparrot2:

 

Quoting pepper504:

And again, see bolded below. :)

Quoting yesmaam:

 For me, my arguement is that if BF cannot do it as the CP, then I will. It isn't his wife's responsibility, especially when I am willing, able, available. I take priority over SM in every aspect of DS's life.

Quoting pepper504:

What I do not get is why does it matter who does what as long as it is getting done and the child is taken care of? 

There are a lot of cases where SM is the stay at home parent and it may be easier for DH to give her some of the parenting responsibility when the child[ren] are with him on his time.  He worked when he was married to BM, he worked when he divorced BM and works now that he is married to SM.  Nothing really changed, right? 

Honestly, the ONLY way that 50/50 works is if everyone gets along, everyone works together and everyone worries about their own household.  SPs are used as backup in case the BP cannot be there.  It happens, it works, the world keeps spinning.  

 


 I disagree! It seems like the world is spinning out of control for alot of these women! Effecting all involved.

My biggest complaint is that when divorce happens, it DOES change things, it's supposed to. But the men seem fairly untouched by it as long as he gets a new maid wife.

Disclaimer: there are plenty of men out there who "get it" and are not doing this. But in this forum it seems rampant.

You can disagree all that you want.  You do not have 50/50 and you would not be able to do it.  The world is not spinning out of control.  It's people, like yourself, who do not understand that a SP can play a very beneficial part of a child's life.  You were dealt a shitty hand in that department in both your growing up as well as with regards to your DD's father.  So, I do get how you cannot even begin to understand sharing the responsibilities with another person. 

I do.  I do it on a daily basis.  My ex is as much a part of my DD15's life as I am.  Who does what in BD's home when DD15 is over there is none of my business.  SM has gone to *gasp* some parent teacher conferences with me and I have met her at the doctor's office (and she went into the room with me) when it was BD's time.  I think that there are women out there who cannot relinquish control and are too busy trying to put another woman in her place instead of seeing what that person can bring to the table.  No, it is not easy at first, but I also am not an overly assertive person and neither is SM.  Boundaries are common sense and none had to be established. 

That being said, why judge someone when it works for them?  Just because you (in general) cannot even begin to fathom being put in my shoes, does not mean I am any less of a parent because *gasp* SM is treated like another person in my DD15's life who loves her.

 Pepper please. Just because I do not have this situation doesnt mean I cant imagine what it might be like to put myself in some of these BM's positions on a daily. I read most of these posts and sit here and wonder how that would make me feel. How would it make me feel to have someone in a doctors office, IF I DIDNT WANT THEM THERE. And there in lies the difference. Some BM's dont want it. It is you who cannot see beyond your own sitch here. YOU dont mind it. But what about the ones that do? Should every one feel like you? Should everyone want to share in important moments wiwth another woman because YOU dont mind doing it? Talk about someone who cant see beyond her own sitch! I think I see very clearly here. I have nothing pulling me one way or another. And this doesnt even come close to resembling my own childhood, so we cant even go there. Sorry.

But, if I am a mother, and I am involved, and I want those moments, I shouldnt have to fight a woman I dont know to have them. Period.

pepper504
by Platinum Member on May. 30, 2012 at 6:19 PM
1 mom liked this

Basically. lol.  I do for mine and DH does for his.  My DH and I are on total opposite sides of the spectrum.  I get along with my ex so things are easy.  He does not get along with his ex, so it is harder.  So, I get to see how it messes up kids adjusting to life.  DD15 is well adjusted because no one is fighting with who does what, it gets done and whoever shows up first deals with it.  SM is not banned from anything nor is DH.  If they want to go, more power to them.  They are both involved in the every day life of the raising of DD15.  I could use all of the insight that I can get sometimes.  I do not care who it comes from, ya know?  DH's ex, I do not go to anything that involves SS13.  It's sad because when I have gone in the past, he would smile at me.  Now, I just ask him how things were/went when he gets home from whatever/where ever.  Keeps BM from further embarrassing him due to her threatening to kick my ass for whatever reason she can think of.  All BM does is keep him in the middle of something that does not involve him.  As a parent, I would hate to see my child go through what BM has put her child through. 

Quoting yesmaam:

 So SM is like "in case shit" an insurance plan lol j/k I get that, its always great to have a back up plan. I'm not saying I've never done anything for SS, and DH has done things for my DS, I get that, but on the regular I do for mine and he does for his.

OMG, OT but DS told me last weekend, "mommy you're the only one whoever cuts my nails." I started balling lmao an emotional mommy moment.

Quoting pepper504:

And again, see bolded below. :)

Quoting yesmaam:

 For me, my arguement is that if BF cannot do it as the CP, then I will. It isn't his wife's responsibility, especially when I am willing, able, available. I take priority over SM in every aspect of DS's life.

Quoting pepper504:

What I do not get is why does it matter who does what as long as it is getting done and the child is taken care of? 

There are a lot of cases where SM is the stay at home parent and it may be easier for DH to give her some of the parenting responsibility when the child[ren] are with him on his time.  He worked when he was married to BM, he worked when he divorced BM and works now that he is married to SM.  Nothing really changed, right? 

Honestly, the ONLY way that 50/50 works is if everyone gets along, everyone works together and everyone worries about their own household.  SPs are used as backup in case the BP cannot be there.  It happens, it works, the world keeps spinning.  

 


 


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