I'm writing this here because you admitted you have been spying on my posts in Stepmom Central, and you were pissed off at me for posting that I was annoyed and irritated with you and SS a lot lately. You said you felt sick to your stomach that I felt that way.
Well, since you've taken it upon yourself to take away the one place I can openly admit my frustrations, I'm going to let you have them all. Yes, I am frustrated. I am frustrated with life, my job, our living situation- EVERYTHING. I am frustrated that we will be living in an apartment for the next 20 years unless I can somehow figure out a way to show that I make enough to cover a loan to build a house, because you had to file bankruptcy. I did not know your credit was in such shitty standings when we got together, and I only found out when you were already behind on payments on your car, and taking out payday loans. I realize you didn't know what to do because you were struggling to make ends meet with what was left of your checks every two weeks. I'm not mad at you for that. But that doesn't mean I don't still struggle with these things EVERY SINGLE DAY. If I want to be with you, I have to take EVERYTHING about you- good and bad. Sometimes, it's hard. Sometimes, it's hard for me to accept that SS is going to be a pain in the ass for the next ten years. Sometimes, I do wonder what I was getting myself into. You are not a kid person, yourself, and I see your frustration even with Kya and Mitchell for SHORT periods of time. Imagine having them for full nights, but BIGGER. Imagine them getting into YOUR personal space. Do you think you could handle that? Probably not. You would get frustrated, too.
Yes, I came here and said some things that were exaggerated. And I explained to you that I said them so that YOU would not look badly to strangers. Yes, I realize you play guitar and it takes money to make money with it but that doesn't mean it doesn't get to me that every extra cent you have, you spend it on shit for yourself, while I, myself, take every dime I have to make sure we have shit in the house for ALL of us, not just me. I realize your guitar makes you money- but what you don't realize, is that extra money could be saved so that we can get the fuck out of living in an apartment. It's great you have a hobby that makes you money. But you don't make that much at your job when all is said and done! That's why it is FRUSTRATING FOR ME to see you buy such things KNOWING you have MORE EXPENSES (like, a kid, for one) than I do yet, I DO NOT BUY ANYTHING for myself because I stress about groceries, toilet paper, peanut butter, and soap for your kid! Which, by the way, he used an entire bottle of in taking just TWO BATHS. Go look for yourself!
I love you. I want to be with you. I think we need work. I think that shit has been awfully rough the past year for both of us and it sucks- but look how far we've come. I do not know why you got into a funk. I do not know why you suddenly felt like I was cheating on you, or pulling away from you. Maybe it was a vibe I gave off, but it's because I get stressed, too. I need time for myself. I'm not in the wrong for that. Just because I don't want to be at home with you and SS 24/7 does NOT MEAN I don't care about you. It means I'm human, I'm not a parent, and sometimes I need to do my own thing.
I hope that you can see my side without making everything about you. Because sometimes, it isn't all about you. Sometimes, it's about the big picture, and sometimes, I just need to find myself in this entire mess.