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New to the forum, old by age...stepmom not by choice...mom to a preteen..found place to vent...

Posted by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 10:49 PM
  • 16 Replies

That is not how it suppose to be when you meet new people. I suppose to put my happy face on, add some cheer to my voice and introduce myself gracefully. I am sorry it does not sound like that.

Hello Everyone! I am *Ivanna*, I am here to vent...Thank you for your time if you are reading this!

I met my husband 12 years ago when he was still in divorce process. By that time I was here in the USA for less that one year, and just lost my fiancee due to a very bad accident. I was dating my husband-to -be while he was going through divorce process, mistake number one? I didn't know that divorce was not final in the beginning, I thought he had been divorced. The person who introduced us said so. Anyway, when I finally found out that he was still married, I moved out for exactly one week until I found out I was pregnant. I was 40, he was 48. It was my first ever pregnancy, he had a 6 y.o. son that he was fighting for in the court.

He asked me if I would agree to keep the baby, I was scared yet thrilled. My clock was ticking. I said Of course! That was how I felt. I am not going to say it was a mistake number two, I though it was a blessing, and I still do.

When I was 5 months pregnant, Greg informed me that he was going to introduce me to his son for the first time on the following weekend. I got pretty excited. Greg supposed to pick him up at his mother's house and bring him to our place for two day weekend. So I started planning the weekend, the menu I will cook, the places we will go. I probably should realize  that Greg did not see his son for months, neither Greg's parents. I was selfish thinking that there would be three of us, enjoying the weekend. I was prepared to give this child as much love and support as I could.

On  Friday when Greg went to pick up his son I was at home waiting for them, with the dinner prepared and stock of videos to watch. I was waiting until early evening, then called Greg's cell phone. He answered, he sounded very happy, he said that they  (Greg with his son and Greg's parents) in the restaurant having a dinner. My jaw dropped, i said how come you didn't say anything to me. He said that child's grandparents wanted to see him, too... I understood, but felt hurt.

Greg came home late without the boy. After the dinner they all went to grandparents' home where Evan (son) spent the night. Early next morning Greg left to join them, and I didn't see him all day untill late night. Next morning they all went to church, then for breakfast, then Greg dropped son off to his mom and came home went straight to bed saying that he was *absolutely exausted*. I was totally devastated. I mean I understood what was going on, but I also understood that I was trown out of the picture completely without any consideration.

I was explained that the court order did not  allow the boy to communicate nother with me nor with his mom's boyfriend.

When Evan came for the next visitation in two weeks, Greg asked me to leave the house for several hours so he could bring Evan to our house. I said Sure, and went shopping, waiting for the phone call with *permission* come back. I was waiting there for 5 hours, mostly sitting in the car on parking lot. Thinking that things were going just plain wrong. I was 6 months pregnant, very uncomfortable in that car.

Next morning I got sick, very weak (it was winter time) and stayed in bed, in spite I was asked by Greg again to leave the house by cirtain time when they would be back from church. When I heard door opening I got up and put the robe on, and in this very moment the boy rushed into a master bedroom. I saw him for the first time, and it was an awefully awkward moment. I said HI! he glanced at me and ran away. Greg rushed in next, gave me an angry look,  and they left. (Later the boy told his mother of seeing me, and she made police report that her son was exposed to sexual ccontent in his father's house, that he saw a *naked woman laying in bed).

Greg and I had a big talk that night. I mean not as long as emotionally intence. I cried, he was irritated. Actually he was petty rude to me actually for the first time in our relationship, saying if i don't like something I was free to go... he knew I had no place to go. I came to the US with some money, that were melting away more than fast since in the beginning he did not support me at all to the point he would by clothes for or anything for the baby.

That was a turning point in our relationship. Greg got his son back, and spent lots and lots time with him. When he would be at home he would say he was stressed out, that divorce was wearing him out. He started drinkingg and slept a lot. The divorce was endless. At some point his wife was accusing him in child abuse, myself was in the picture as a hore who the boy saw *naked* in bed, the court ordered to stop visitation with his father until further investigation.

I was ordered to go through phychological evaluation to determone if I was an alright oerson for the boy to be around. At that time Greg asked me please to help him, go through the evaluation, and be a step mom for Evan in case if he finally would win him back.

I said, Yes I will help you, but when you get your son back let be just a family of four (by that time our baby boy was born). In my heart I was hoping (I know it was evel) that he would never get any custody of the boy. I just wanted my life to be normal again, with the boy in the picture I was not sure it was possible.

I got through the test (with all the stress I was under, I am still surprised how I managed that), I answered 500 questions and got a decent report from the phychologist. The visitations continiued again, with the difference that Evan was allowed to be around me, yet the family (Greg and his parents, they are VERY close) decided that Evan would live with grandparent when visited and his father would be with him. I and our baby boy were all by ourselves every other weekend.

My in-laws treated my indifferent at that time. They were nothing more but coldly polite with me. They never cared much about their new grandson, my son. It was sad to see when they would stop by (they lived 10 min away) my MIL would talk to her poodle all the time and ever hardly glanced at her new grandson.

yet she was madly loving to Evan. We finally got married when our son was 3 years old, divorce lasted for 3 years, and by law we could not get married for another year.

My husband was and still is very close to his mother. His father past away several years ago. My MIL is 85 years old, active and healthy. She adores her older grandchild, and show no favore to my son. She is a lady, so she won't show it or say anything, but it is obvious. My son said just recently, grandma loves Evan more. He said it so sadly, that my heart sunk.

On top of it, all these long years, I had very poor relationship with my SS. He joined our family on regular 50-50 basis (week by us, wee by his mom) when he was 9 years old. he was an angry, confused child who all of a sudden had a step brother (he was not aware of my son until that) and a nervous unbalanced step mother. By nature I am an understanding person, but that was a desaster. SS lied on me several times, twice I had to explain myself at the counselor, scared actually. He complained about me keft and right, to his mom of course, to grandma of course, to another grandma, they all agreed on the fact that O was an evel ever person. His mom told me so many times, and SS himself told me that my MIL hates me.

His relationship with his SB is zero. At first it was severe jealocy (which was understandable), that merged into plain coldness. My MIL compares these two constantly, once to the restaurant to the server how *this * one is sharp and bright and outgoing and *that* one is ..aaaah...she said, and shook her head. I took my son and walked out, saying she would never ever say anything negative about my son. I was waiting for my husband at least to come out and talk to me, but he never did. I got a taxi and went home. Hubby came home like nothing happened, thay all think I am weird.

I am so tired of living like this. My SS is a fine young man now, I have to give him a huge credit. Yet he is a stranger to me, he is a stranger to his SB, and my MIL who is a big part of our family, hardly tolerates me and less than loves my son.

DH picks her up for every big holiday, and guess what???? my MIL invites my husband's ex who is still single, for every family dinner. Each Xmas and Easter, all these years , we spent in awkward company of myself, my husband, his ex who he hates and she hates him, my ss and mu son. I was never ever asked if it was O.K. with me, ever. To choose the restaurant where the celebration will have a place has been  also not my duty, MIL is always saying where she booked the outing and who is coming.

She critizies my ability to decorate, points to my DH that I don;t display enough family pictures on the walls in our house, whispering to him, Look, here is Martin (my son), here is again Martin, but where are you? Where is Evan? To justify myself I have to say I do not have lots of family pics hanging on the wall because it is not my style, but I have several pictures of Evan, two pictures of us together, and one pic of mi in-laws, and I had more that 4 pics of my son when he was baby, sso what!!!!!?????

This weekend was Evan's high school graduation. I hardly new about any plans at all. As usually no one ever discussed with me anything at all. The last thing I knew that my husband went to pick up grandma, because Evan invited her.

Not knowing about the graduation, I scheduled a play date for my son with the friend who was away for several months. He was excited to see him again. The last minute I had to cancel it because of the graduation that I was not aware of. I had to drag myself in sour company of my MIL and DH's ex to the school and then to the restaurant that everyone knew I hated most. In the restaurant I was asked by ex to take several pictures, first Evan and her, then Evan and grandma, then Evan with his mom and grandma, then Evan with his faather. After that I was thanked, and everyone sat to have food. They forgot to take a picture of Evan and Martin, and of courrse I didn't offer myself to pose with Evan, he could not care less, but still. I am so sorry for my son, he understands now.

MIL was chatting with DH's ex, Evan too, discussed the future plans, and it is O.K.!!! The only thing I am living someone else life. I really want to be with peopel who are close to me, my FAMILY, and it is not happening here,

The last straw that made me to vent, was this MIL's visit when she was totally ignoring her younger grandson. I don't think they ever say anything to each other. She just ignores him (not on purpose), and so does he. This morning, when Evan was still in bed and Martin left for school, she comes to DH saying almost screaming: look what I found down stairs in the couch? A fork!! Martin and his friends always sitting there and they probably eat there, and I found lots of crumbs, and now this fork!!! They ruin your furniture!!! Go look your self, the couch is in poor shape!!!

Dah, the couch down stairs (where grandma sleeps when she visits here), is in front of TV with all kind of games hooked up to it, it has been this way since Evan was little , he had his friends over all the time there, for years, everyone drank and ate there, and it was o.k. Now Martin got that spot, right next to the shelf with his toys, we call it game room.

and on and on and on, but I have to stop.

I doubt anyone will finish reading this long mess, but if you did - Thank you for your time. Thank you.

 

 

 

 

 

 

by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 10:49 PM
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Replies (1-10):
rose0919
by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 11:05 PM

oh honey hugs, by the way they arnt step brothers they are half brothers. i would file for divorce and get away from this mess

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jun. 4, 2012 at 11:09 PM
1 mom liked this

And you stayed with this man, why???

feliciasmith
by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 11:09 PM
Ohhhhh my lanta! Im so sorry for you and your son that is horrible for your mil to have a grandson preference, why are you even with dh? I would not be okay with my mil doing any of this let alone dh not saying anything to her. I'd be pissed if I were you too, I hope you son isnt effected by her bitchyness :(
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mom2cheesebug
by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 11:21 PM

Wow, thats a long time to stay with a family who treats you and your son that way. I love my SO more than i could express, but our kids come first and if he doesn't want to back me up with them, then i will leave with our kids and not look back. I don't allow anyone to talk down to me or my kids and no favoritism is allowed by grandparents. It can lead to a lot of emotional problems. You are strong woman who has been put through a lot, you deserve much better and so does your son.

heathercm26
by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 11:35 PM
1 mom liked this
Divorce. In this country you get half of everything he has. Also you will get alimony and child support. Leave. Get a lawyer and leave. Find someone to really love you. Your husband is not stupid. He should be caring about your sons happiness too and making your mil behave.
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looneytunes290
by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 11:35 PM
Get the hell out of there! Dont teach your little boy that it's normal for people to treat him and his momma like that- bless your heart I'd be having me a major sit down with my dh and there would be some drastic changes- that's if I stayed- I would have never ever lasted as long as you have! Hugs!
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heathercm26
by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 11:36 PM
Have you considered divorce?
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ariesp19
by on Jun. 4, 2012 at 11:40 PM

 ya, your hubbys lucky to have you, it would not have made it to the 'i dos' with me..... i demand respect, step mom, mil, husband..... my mil would not dare play favorits with her grand kids, dh backs me up, and if she does, she wont see any of them......

im sorry your going threw this....... but i will say, you teach people how to treat you.... stand up for yourself.... ss is an adult now, you need to stand up for youself and your son.... tell your mil to back off

its your house, your furnature also

your married, soon as you did that, legally, everything is both of yours now... he cant kick you out, even if your name is not on the house..... most states, even if you werent married, youd have to have a 30 days eviction notice....

i would sit your hubby down and tell him that this is no longer acceptable, he needs to stand up for HIS SON... and that if his mom cant treat him right, then she should not be welcome in the FAMILY home....

bananamama11
by on Jun. 5, 2012 at 12:09 AM

Divorce my husband?? I don't think so. He would fight for the custody of our son. We were in position when we both retained attorneys, only one month after we got married. I had a huge issue with him but I did not get my green card yet by that time. DH said the boy (our son) would stay with him, I could go back to poland. he cut me off all the finance right away, I had to borrow money to hire the attorney. I saw his previous divorce, it was long and extremely bitter, and I would never mess with DH.

I don;t want to say that he treats me badly, he does not show that, however deep inside I am aware that this is a poor relationship. I had never had a good relationship with men, start with my father. I was aalways a peacemaker, but I am getting older and  can't take more than I can.

Our family has been never only us, it was always MIl in the middle of the picture. DH loves her dearly. I have no clue how other people deal with in-laws. My first marriage back in Poland - they lived miles and miles away, I saw them once a year. I lost parents when I was a teen, I was an orphant for several years, so both my spouses did not have to deal with mine.

I am scared that I would take our son out of his comfort zone, nice home, his room, his stuff.

I won't have half of what DH has, because all the money on shared acounts with his mom, and the second house is also on her name.

I am just scraed to go into this. I don;t want a war, I am afraid I won't last long. I am afraid I won't make it through. Without any support. I have no family here, and my polish family is too far away and only two sisters who are also older people.

I had never worked in the US, it happened that I went from one dependent relationship  into another.

I have no creadit history here. DH put my name on  one of his credit cards but I am sure he will cancel it in case of the divorce.

I cannot do this.

MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Jun. 5, 2012 at 12:15 AM

Run, run far away!!! I am so sorry that you have been treated like that. You are so much more patient and kind than I would have been.

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