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Excess Baggage (edited)

Posted by on Jun. 5, 2012 at 12:50 AM
  • 54 Replies

I've heard several women tell other women on here that they shouldn't be dating a man with children if they can't handle kids.  Find someone without them.

The trouble with this, I've found, is that the good ones are taken or they have children/baggage.  

Now what?

I'm only 27, and most of the guys I've met have baggage of some sort from their past.  EVEN the good ones.  I've always tried to date men OLDER than I am by a few years.  Maybe this is the problem, since I never dated anyone my own age.  But it seems like the guys MY age are immature still- even as we get older.  

What are we supposed to do?  

The pool of good guys is getting smaller, and the good guys seem (to me, anyway) to fall for the crazy women FIRST.  They make a mistake, then want to fix it after it's done.  They have children with women they shouldn't have (of course, women do this with men, too, but I'm talking specifically for men that do it), and then the next woman is doomed.  She doesn't see the problems from the beginning (I'm a perfect example- SO was very good at hiding the problems in his situation.  They only became obvious to me once we lived together.).  So, she falls in love with a man, who thinks he's got his situation figured out, who believes this woman will live in oblivion because he's good at hiding his baggage, and then- it's a big shit storm when the real situation suddenly appears because he can no longer contain it.

What do we do?!

**Edit:  I wrote this in the heat of the moment after someone told me that if I am needing advice or support to get through a sticky situation within my step family, maybe I shouldn't be dating a man with a kid.  I should have added- I don't have a problem dating a man with a kid, but problems DO arise within the situation.  It doens't mean I'm "immature" for needing advice.  Isn't that what this whole forum is for?  Advice?  Sharing of situations?

by on Jun. 5, 2012 at 12:50 AM
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Replies (1-10):
packermomof2
by on Jun. 5, 2012 at 1:02 AM
4 moms liked this

Children aren't baggage.  They are children.

And good ones are out there.  I only dated men without kids.  I'm married to a man without them.  I don't want to handle other people's children so I made sure that I didn't get with anyone who did have them.  I met him when he was 30.  He's 39 now.

Women aren't doomed. 

If you can't handle other people's children, their past, their ex... don't get with them.  I'd rather be alone than with someone who has kids and/or an ex with issues.

ManicAttack
by Silver Member on Jun. 5, 2012 at 1:07 AM

I didn't say children are baggage.  I said men with children/baggage.  Meaning, either or.

And when you live in small areas, it's not like there's a metropolis of great single men available.  Most of them know the people you know, or else are linked in some way.  

I have no problem dating a man with children.  But am I supposed to suddenly pick up and leave because the real issues have come forth years into the relationship?  No.  But that seems to be what many women tell each other when one has a problem going on within her step family- LEAVE.

That's what I'm saying.

Quoting packermomof2:

Children aren't baggage.  They are children.

And good ones are out there.  I only dated men without kids.  I'm married to a man without them.  I don't want to handle other people's children so I made sure that I didn't get with anyone who did have them.  I met him when he was 30.  He's 39 now.

Women aren't doomed. 

If you can't handle other people's children, their past, their ex... don't get with them.  I'd rather be alone than with someone who has kids and/or an ex with issues.


ShannaBee
by on Jun. 5, 2012 at 2:18 AM
4 moms liked this

I'm at the point that if DH and I ever divorced, freakin' stay single, dammit.

ManicAttack
by Silver Member on Jun. 5, 2012 at 3:36 AM
1 mom liked this

That's how I feel sometimes.  Uuggghhhh.

I realize I'm not a PERFECT catch- I have baggage myself!  But, it's impossible to tell what crap is going to crop up later in the game with someone.  I know that's a risk we take.  I'm just not taking it anymore after this!

Quoting ShannaBee:

I'm at the point that if DH and I ever divorced, freakin' stay single, dammit.


colema11
by Bronze Member on Jun. 5, 2012 at 7:44 AM
1 mom liked this

DH says that if we ever split he is just moving into the basement.

Quoting ShannaBee:

I'm at the point that if DH and I ever divorced, freakin' stay single, dammit.


whatIknownow
by Ruby Member on Jun. 5, 2012 at 7:49 AM

Not all men with children have "baggage." My DH didn't have baggage.

Find a man who can handle his responsibilities well. Then he will have no drama with  his ex, he'll have a good relationship with his kids, he won't need you to rescue him or take care of his kids for him at all. Then you can focus on your relationship with him, and while the kids will divert some of his attention away from you some of the time, it won't be a problem.

colema11
by Bronze Member on Jun. 5, 2012 at 7:50 AM

My problem is the ones that say they married the man, not the kids.  I didn't just marry DH, I married into a family.  SK's are not just problems that will go away, if there are dynamics that you really cannot handle the relationship should stop in the beginning, not with the thought "I can change that".

lilangilyn
by on Jun. 5, 2012 at 7:54 AM

I hear ya. I am an older woman and it was very hard to date men that had not been married before. I dated one man without children and he had been married twice before. In fact, most men my age had been married twice or more and had multiple children. I was happy that DH had only one child.

And my DH was good at hiding his baggage. But there are men out there without children. My second son is 33, never married, no children. However, he does have a serious girlfriend about your age. So there is hope in finding one without kids.

If you do find one that has kids, don't rush into anything. Take your time so that all the baggage can be fully revealed.

baparrot2
by Platinum Member on Jun. 5, 2012 at 7:54 AM
2 moms liked this

 That's just an excuse you are using to thwart you from finding a man who CAN offer you more. Sorry, but even in a small town situation, there are plenty without "baggage". And I can tell you this, if I were your age.....I would go and get it. Love does NOT conquer all like so many like to say. Life does not have to be this hard when you find the right one.

ROBIN-C
by on Jun. 5, 2012 at 7:55 AM
2 moms liked this

 i have only dated men WITH kids because of the fact that i have kids and the person that i date needs to understand kids and where my priorities are and not have an issue with them!

it would be very hard for a childless man to fit into my life and enjoy it.

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