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Stepmom Central Stepmom Central

the "daddy" issue

Posted by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 1:05 AM
  • 12 Replies

I know its not really my fight, just wondering if or how some of you react to this situation.


My stepsons birth mom allows him to call her boyfriend, and her babys daddy, "daddy".  It makes my husband tear up just a bit everytime the little boy says something about his "daddy" and he is talking about his moms boyfriend. My husband tries to calmly without showing how hurt he is, tell him that man isn't his daddy, that he only has one daddy, and that just like I'm not his mommy, I'm just an adult who is his friend and loves him. My stepson tells us that his mom said that whenever her and her boyfriend get married that her boyfriend will be his new daddy.  My husband is trying to find a way to talk to her about this. He knows that he doesn't get to see his son very often, he appreciates this man stepping in where he can't, but he DOES NOT appreciate this man being called daddy. My husband is a WONDERFUL father, he is in the army, We live a WAYS away from his son, not by choice. If it was up to my husband we would live somewhere closer where we could see his son more, and HE could do the things that this other man does with him.  How can my husband approach this subject without seeming ungrateful to this man? Its a very big deal to my husband for his son to not think of other men, as his daddy.

by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 1:05 AM
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Replies (1-10):
Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 13, 2012 at 4:24 AM
Idk.. You said dad is involved but due to military is LD. Um... I think if the kid is okay w calling sf "dad" and sf is a good guy to little Man,I feel your Dh should let it go. Idk why this is my answer. Tbh.

I guess bc what if your SS feels a love w sf that makes him feel like the love he feels for your Dh? Why rob him of that feeling? My dd's bd did this when dd's called my Dh "papi". It made them feel like they had to chose ther bd over my Dh. Loyalty issues maybe? But bd isn't very involved in Thier lives. Ever.

I just think if your Dh tells BM to tell son to stop calling him dad and SS chose this name for him,then it will only Confuse SS. IMO. I think YOYR Dh needs to know deep Down,he's dad and that's that. Feel Secure in your role.

My
Skids are 12&16 right now,and BMs new H jist came into the picture,my Dh would feel very as if they called this man "dad" but only Bc sf has showe no interest in my
Skids.

Idk,I just feel it's not something to agree about if s is a good gu and SS chose to call him this. Sorry:/ I usually don't like this,but for some
Reason I don't see the probelm.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jun. 13, 2012 at 4:30 AM
Ok I re read the op. since its just a boyfriend,no,BM shouldn't have him call BMs bf,daddy.

How old is skid? I don't like that BM said this will be your new daddy. That's where I'd make my fight if I were your Dh. I'd say I don't care what ever son feels comfortable calling sf(when they are married) but that she shouldn't tell son that's he's going to be new daddy.

No way in hell. But maybe tell skid that right now ts moms bf,when they get married,sf will officially become
A sf and then he can chose to call him dad like a second dad but not your new daddy.

Something like that is where I'd place my fight. W the issue of the new daddy. If sf is a good guy and when they do get married,will Your Dh feel a but better about son calling Him dad?
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pseudomamma
by Bronze Member on Jun. 13, 2012 at 4:36 AM

First, he needs to tell BM.  I've seen that alot around my town.  BM's want the kids to call their DH daddy, but SM cannot be mom.  How about just talking to the boyfriend?  How old is the child.  As a last resort, have a lawyer write her a letter.

mom2cheesebug
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 5:48 AM

This is something that he probably can't fight, and the only reason BM's get away with saying that kids can't call SM's "Mom" is because the Bio dads want to keep the peace so they go along with it.

With the Bio Dad being absent, it is only natural for the child to call his siblings dad, dad. If he is there everyday and treats him right, then i wouldn't push any buttons and make waves for his son. Step parents can get a little resentful and hurt too when they are told they can't be called Dad or mom cause the other parent is jealous.

TheStepMonster
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 7:46 AM
This. Is.Crap.

Long distance or not...involved or not....if BF has an issue, then SO needs to stop with the daddy crap.


Quoting mom2cheesebug:

This is something that he probably can't fight, and the only reason BM's get away with saying that kids can't call SM's "Mom" is because the Bio dads want to keep the peace so they go along with it.


With the Bio Dad being absent, it is only natural for the child to call his siblings dad, dad. If he is there everyday and treats him right, then i wouldn't push any buttons and make waves for his son. Step parents can get a little resentful and hurt too when they are told they can't be called Dad or mom cause the other parent is jealous.

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newstepmom61811
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 8:15 AM
Exactly, just like so many SMs try with the "mommy" crap. It's great he's a good STEPdad, wonderful, he's still not, never will be, daddy. Funny how we talk about the mommy 2.0 around here. Silently I think the daddy 2.0 happens A LOT. And like it or not, to be ghetto, baby daddy is baby daddy, a woman can't change who she had a baby with no matter how much she wants a redo on her personal history...


Quoting TheStepMonster:

This. Is.Crap.



Long distance or not...involved or not....if BF has an issue, then SO needs to stop with the daddy crap.




Quoting mom2cheesebug:

This is something that he probably can't fight, and the only reason BM's get away with saying that kids can't call SM's "Mom" is because the Bio dads want to keep the peace so they go along with it.



With the Bio Dad being absent, it is only natural for the child to call his siblings dad, dad. If he is there everyday and treats him right, then i wouldn't push any buttons and make waves for his son. Step parents can get a little resentful and hurt too when they are told they can't be called Dad or mom cause the other parent is jealous.


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ShannaBee
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:10 AM

We have been through this too. My DH has told SS over and over that his stepdad is not his dad or a parent. It's a mess. BM bitches that she does not want me being called mom, but stepdad can play daddy all day long and it's ok.

1SpaZZedMom
by Librarian on Jun. 13, 2012 at 1:06 PM

This is true. It is confusing the little guy, and that isn't right.

Quoting TheStepMonster:

This. Is.Crap.

Long distance or not...involved or not....if BF has an issue, then SO needs to stop with the daddy crap.


Quoting mom2cheesebug:

This is something that he probably can't fight, and the only reason BM's get away with saying that kids can't call SM's "Mom" is because the Bio dads want to keep the peace so they go along with it.


With the Bio Dad being absent, it is only natural for the child to call his siblings dad, dad. If he is there everyday and treats him right, then i wouldn't push any buttons and make waves for his son. Step parents can get a little resentful and hurt too when they are told they can't be called Dad or mom cause the other parent is jealous.



Being defeated is often a temporary condition. Giving up is what makes it permanent.
                                         Marilyn vos Savant


andie646c
by Silver Member on Jun. 13, 2012 at 1:38 PM

He could just tell BM, "Hey, I don't like him calling SF daddy" ... and maybe ask that they come up with some other affectionate term for SF? I don't see this conversation as being a huge deal, what's the worst BM could do?

hardwork
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 2:49 PM

When I was growing up I had a SM (she unfortuantely has passed on) she was my mom. She taught me values and morals. And helped me become the kind of woman I am today. On the other hand I do have a mother, she gave birth to me and that was it. Her choice to walk out of my dad and I's life. I have now been blessed with 5 Skids. 4 of them are grown and call me by my name and that is completely fine with me. My youngest 2 Skids do call me mommy. They asked and I said that was fine but I will never take the place of their BM. I am the one with them 24/7 also teach them to have morals and values. And to become respectable and responsible adults. If they wanted to call me by my first name then that would have been just fine too. They came to DH and I about this.

If its a real issue then maybe he could call him daddy x or whatever. I think the most important thing should be that the child comes to you and ask this and not to be made to. Its also important not to let the bio parent be forgotten or dismissed. This is your bio daddy and X is your step daddy.



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