Toxic people

[looneytunes290]

So about the time I think- hmmm maybe I'm the one with the problem- then wham there is reaffirmation of what I'm dealing with. This has been such a long road- there are basically three toxic people in my husbands family and several of us recognize this, one would think it would get easier to deal with as time goes on- and I'm sure it will to a degree- but it's such a sllllllooooooooow process. My husband and I are at least on the same page about it- for awhile we weren't but the behavior became so inexcusable that he could no longer ignore it. We would detach completely but one of the toxic people I'm describing is my MIL- his stepmom. We feel like she is emotionally abusive to his dad and both of us hate to not offer him support by staying in the picture.
So how do you deal with your toxic people some online advice says to stay away- something else I read is to "fight back" a little - I have always took the stay away approach, but it's not working well for me- I guess because it's hard to stay 100 percent away- and if you just stay somewhat away that seems to be used against me too. So I've been considering doing the opposite. Not staying away but being around and at everything all the time with a big ole grin on my face. With dh by my side till maybe they stay away.

[MomGoingCrazy78]

I have tried really hard to get rid of/not deal with the toxic people that were in my life, one of them being my MIL. Sometimes it's better to just let go.....that has really saved my sanity!

[TempestRayne]

Just let go, whenever possible.

[angelmommy2806]

That can be an ugly situation I'm sorry.

[looneytunes290]

Thanks you guys- this has been the first time in my life that I couldn't just get away from it. Because seriously if it weren't for worrying about my elderly father in law I wouldn't have to deal with her.

[lilangilyn]

The fight back approach assumes that the toxic people will back down when confronted. I have found the opposite to be true. They usually will turn you into a villain if you fight back. I prefer the ignore and walk away approach.

I am sorry that your FIL is married a wench, but at the same time, he chose her. Unfortunately that means he has to deal with it.

I have more than three toxic people in my life. My ex MIL, my own two sisters, my ex's siblings, Hammy and all her extended family and according to her, "the mafia."

[looneytunes290]

Oh good grief! I wouldn't deal well. I have taken the approach of he chose her- for a long time now, but now I kinda feel bad about it because I think he is really dealin with some symptoms of emotional abuse- she controls money- she is mean enough to his family that we don't visit like we should- then she tells him see- no one really cares about you- I've never witnessed this happen to an adult man so it's weird but real. Anyway some of us if his family have decided it may be better to bite the bullet an tolerate her more because hr is just becoming more and more isolated.

Quoting lilangilyn:

The fight back approach assumes that the toxic people will back down when confronted. I have found the opposite to be true. They usually will turn you into a villain if you fight back. I prefer the ignore and walk away approach.

I am sorry that your FIL is married a wench, but at the same time, he chose her. Unfortunately that means he has to deal with it.

I have more than three toxic people in my life. My ex MIL, my own two sisters, my ex's siblings, Hammy and all her extended family and according to her, "the mafia."

[DixieL]

That sounds like my sister was. My mom and I would be taking care of her and waiting on her and she would be talking bad about our husbands. At first I would just ignore her then it got to the point I would let her know that it wasn't acceptable for her to bash our husbaands while we waited on her. I think God knows what he is doing. If he had to have someone in our family pass, it had to be her. For the last five years of her life, I didn't get to be with my husband or son. I had to stay at my moms and help my mom take care of her. During the day we would go clean up her house. I couldn't do it anymore. I can't stand up long enough to take care of her. If she were still alive I think my mom or I would have passed and the other in a mental hospital

[Bells2000]

I generally try the ignore it and let it go approach to all of my DH's toxic extended family. I try to think of the good things, the kids are around their family, etc. etc. But it doesn't always work.

I've since adopted the "I don't even have to pretend to be nice to them.... I just don't have to be around them!".

I won't tell DH he can't invite his family over to the house, he can by all means. But I'm not cooking for them, I'm not contributing any money whatsoever to feed them big lavish meals they expect (ribs, steaks, etc)...   In fact, I'm also not cleaning up after the "parties/get together"... so its all on him.

I will NOT be here and neither will my daughter.  The money I save on not contributing to that family extra is enough for a bus ride to and from the movie theater and/or mall. I can find us something to do that will be a pleasent / enjoyable experience for us.

I've also been pretty damn sarcastic whenever someone says something lately. They don't quite seem to know how to take it. Not sure if thats good/bad? I'll still be respectful/mindful, since I want to set a good example for my DD. But I'm not gonna allow us to be insulted in silence anymore.

[Bells2000]

hell.. after sitting here thinking about how much I'd save by not doing the big meals anymore...

I could easily buy a hotel stay for a night, lunch and dinner out, and enjoy a free breakfast! Spend that time enjoying a swimming pool, room service, and who knows what else! Now I am really looking forward to the next family thing!

[looneytunes290]

I Must adopt this attitude! I love it!

Quoting Bells2000:

hell.. after sitting here thinking about how much I'd save by not doing the big meals anymore...

I could easily buy a hotel stay for a night, lunch and dinner out, and enjoy a free breakfast! Spend that time enjoying a swimming pool, room service, and who knows what else! Now I am really looking forward to the next family thing!