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So about the time I think- hmmm maybe I'm the one with the problem- then wham there is reaffirmation of what I'm dealing with. This has been such a long road- there are basically three toxic people in my husbands family and several of us recognize this, one would think it would get easier to deal with as time goes on- and I'm sure it will to a degree- but it's such a sllllllooooooooow process. My husband and I are at least on the same page about it- for awhile we weren't but the behavior became so inexcusable that he could no longer ignore it. We would detach completely but one of the toxic people I'm describing is my MIL- his stepmom. We feel like she is emotionally abusive to his dad and both of us hate to not offer him support by staying in the picture.
So how do you deal with your toxic people some online advice says to stay away- something else I read is to "fight back" a little - I have always took the stay away approach, but it's not working well for me- I guess because it's hard to stay 100 percent away- and if you just stay somewhat away that seems to be used against me too. So I've been considering doing the opposite. Not staying away but being around and at everything all the time with a big ole grin on my face. With dh by my side till maybe they stay away.
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by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 4:22 PM
Replies (11-20):
rose0919
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 9:29 PM

i have several toxic people ,my sister who i havent spoke to in 3 years. and dh whole family is so toxic it sick.  we just cut them off.

for me it was easy with my sister. she is 18 yrs older than me and has never really been in my life.  but for dh  he took the abuse from his family since he was a teen. he was the black sheep of the family , he didnt drink or do drugs like  his brother and sisters, he was in the military and was made fun of by his sf  for it. he never borrowed money so he wasnt indebted to his mother like the rest of them. he is also the only one to have children, the sad part is they have nothing to do with his kids. it took his cousins ganging up on me and trying to beat me up for him to cut them off.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:11 PM
I ignore people who are truly toxic. It's easy to ignore, be absent or simply not engage.

Or I tell them off but that is pretty rare. I think I have told off exactly 2 people in my life. It's usually a waste of breath.
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looneytunes290
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:21 PM
I'm just like you in that I have told a couple people off- but I don't make it a habit- I usually stay away or take the high road etc- its just hard because we live near one of them and they all rally together to be mean not even to me- but to other family members. My husband an I have actually talked about selling out and moving to get away from it but we are actually worried about leaving his dad with her with us not around it could get worse. She really tries to isolate him.


Quoting chanizen:

I ignore people who are truly toxic. It's easy to ignore, be absent or simply not engage.



Or I tell them off but that is pretty rare. I think I have told off exactly 2 people in my life. It's usually a waste of breath.


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chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:25 PM
I actually considered those two times kind of shameful events. Why? Because although I was extremely justified in both cases, they represent times where I was not in control of my emotions. And where I did not choose peace. In both instances I wanted to be mean.... And I was. That's not ok with me :(

I'm animated and opinionated. I love a good debate or even worthwhile argument. But I rarely fight.

Quoting looneytunes290:

I'm just like you in that I have told a couple people off- but I don't make it a habit- I usually stay away or take the high road etc- its just hard because we live near one of them and they all rally together to be mean not even to me- but to other family members. My husband an I have actually talked about selling out and moving to get away from it but we are actually worried about leaving his dad with her with us not around it could get worse. She really tries to isolate him.



Quoting chanizen:

I ignore people who are truly toxic. It's easy to ignore, be absent or simply not engage.





Or I tell them off but that is pretty rare. I think I have told off exactly 2 people in my life. It's usually a waste of breath.






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chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:29 PM
1 mom liked this
And btw... I wasn't telling you that to make you feel guilty.

I'm just not super proud of those moments. They weren't reflective of who I am... Or who I want to be.
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looneytunes290
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:30 PM
The times I told people off I don't regret- I was in control of my emotions and they needed to know their behavior needed to stop- or u would not be around them. And I meant it- I think of it as more sticking up for myself. And it actually got pretty good results. But inteallydidnt do it out of anger- it was people I cared about who were doing or saying things that hurt me and they needed to know it they actually both apologized and life it better. I don't think it would work that way with MiL she wants us away.


Quoting chanizen:

I actually considered those two times kind of shameful events. Why? Because although I was extremely justified in both cases, they represent times where I was not in control of my emotions. And where I did not choose peace. In both instances I wanted to be mean.... And I was. That's not ok with me :(

I'm animated and opinionated. I love a good debate or even worthwhile argument. But I rarely fight.


Quoting looneytunes290:

I'm just like you in that I have told a couple people off- but I don't make it a habit- I usually stay away or take the high road etc- its just hard because we live near one of them and they all rally together to be mean not even to me- but to other family members. My husband an I have actually talked about selling out and moving to get away from it but we are actually worried about leaving his dad with her with us not around it could get worse. She really tries to isolate him.




Quoting chanizen:

I ignore people who are truly toxic. It's easy to ignore, be absent or simply not engage.





Or I tell them off but that is pretty rare. I think I have told off exactly 2 people in my life. It's usually a waste of breath.









Posted on CafeMom Mobile
looneytunes290
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:34 PM
This person I'm talking about is very confrontational- and we (dh,bil,sil, and all kids) have decided we have to be around more so the isolation with their dad is put to a stop. Soooo what this means is we are gonna have to around her more too:( I will live I'm being a big baby. It just sucks- but I have to agree that I think it needs to be done my fil is a great guy, and he doesn't deserve to be isolated from the
People he loves. When we walk in the door he lights up. It's so sad.
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Seychelles1409
by Gold Member on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:47 PM

I guess the ignore it approach is the practical way to go, but I am a passionate person and I wouldn't be able to stand see my elderly FIL mistreated.  I would have to say something to my MIL even if she got mad at me.   My approach would be that someone has to do the right thing so why not me if no one else would?

findingserenity
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 10:50 PM
Mine are assband, assband sister, assband adopted daughter. Assband, I deal with eye for an eye, tooth for a tooth, assband sister, I cut communication, assband adopted daughter, nonexistent til I need to acknowledge, disengaged and avoid as much as I can!
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looneytunes290
by on Jun. 13, 2012 at 11:00 PM
Oh I know! It seems like this would be the obvious solution- but when you are dealing with someone who is truly emotionally abusive to someone- we are afraid she will take it out on him if we call her in it.


Quoting Seychelles1409:

I guess the ignore it approach is the practical way to go, but I am a passionate person and I wouldn't be able to stand see my elderly FIL mistreated.  I would have to say something to my MIL even if she got mad at me.   My approach would be that someone has to do the right thing so why not me if no one else would?


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