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Difficult and venting..... kinda long

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What to do and what I do.....LOL    I'm sure that doesn't make much sense. Let me explain what goes on in my house everyday. 

First, so everything makes sense, let me tell you who lives her and where they are located. Its me and my SO, my mom, my sd 11, and my dds 10 and 6. My SO and I have our room and bathroom, my mom has a room and the girls (all of them) share a room.  There is another bathroom in the hall. 

Every morning my SO and my mom leave for work around 6. All of the girls sleep till 7:30 - 9. I dont usually wake them since it is summer. The little one is always first up and first to bed. 

As they get up they will have breakfast in the kitchen. After that they will watch tv, play in their room or living room. They are allowed to have time on the computer with permission only and only one at a time. They can also go outside for the trampoline or bikes. Sometimes we will go to the lake at the end of our street and swim. I try to take them out some place everyday. 

We have lunch, then snacks and then I cook dinner to be ready at 6:45 when everyone comes home for the evening. 

Most days things are pretty ok. The girls pick at each other sometimes but nothing I would say isn't normal. They argue over toys and whose turn it is. And sometimes the program on tv. Nothing is ever serious and I settle it pretty quickly. 

Knowing all of this you would think its pretty great around here. And for the most part it is. UNTIL DADDY COMES HOME!

This is what happens when my sd is here. She waits for an opportunity to get him alone and tell lies. She told him Monday that her and my oldest were fighting over who belongs in what bed. I had already settled the fight but she wasn't satisfied and told him so. It turned into a 3 hour fight between him and her dragging up stuff from years ago before I even knew either of them.

Tuesday morning I told all 3 of them that there will be no bullshit when daddy gets home tonight. I am not spending 3 hours listening to them fight. She told him I called her a shit-head and I am spending all night with daddy and she better be quiet.

Everyday is like this. He knows she is telling all lies and calls her out on it but it still ruins our evenings. When I talk to him on the way home he is already stressed out asking what she could possibly make up tonight and start a problem with. She leaves on Sunday but will be here for almost all of July. He is totally stressed about that.

So......What to do?

What I have done: I dont let her use her cell phone. She can not text or talk to anyone until daddy gets home. And then she is not allowed to delete any messages (this is checked online) and she has to have all conversations in front of him. She has lost the privilege to ride in the front seat of the car. She has to go to bed at the same time as the other girls.

by on Jun. 14, 2012 at 5:02 PM
Replies (11-20):
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jun. 21, 2012 at 2:33 PM


Quoting housemommyto2:

 

Quoting DDDaysh:

He's not spending enough time with her, some serious 1 on 1 time not just paying a bit more attention when you're all together.  

How long have you guys been together?  

 She gets about 5 hours un-interupted per weekend. Honestly I think that is pretty fair. I understand she is not around everyday of the week and needs to make up for it when she is here, but he doesn't have the time to give the other children 5 hours un-interrupted per week. And they are here all week. I don't believe children need quantity, just quality.

I believe that kids dont' understand the quality vs quantity concept.  I think more hours is better than cramming a ton of activities into a few hours and calling it quality.  He could easily do something like sit with her and read the paper while she's coloring.  Sometimes kids don't care if you do something with them or along side them.  They just care that you're THERE and ocassionally listen to them when they say something or want to show you something.

She probably does enjoy the 5 hours uninterrupted per weekend, but when it's over, she's probably still wondering, "Is that all???"

I think it's after we become adults is when we understand that quality is better than quantity.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 21, 2012 at 2:37 PM


Quoting housemommyto2:

 

 For all intent purposes, they are his children. He is raising them as the only father they know. And for the quantity, I don't think sitting in the same room silently doing your own thing is the same as interacting and enjoying each other.

Also, we are trying to blend our families. I know this is sometimes difficult, but we try. She is not my child, however would it be right for my mother to not include her when she takes the grandchildren out? Or when she buys small gifts? I don't think dividing the his and mine will make for a happy life.

How long have you two lived together?

Also, sitting in the same room, each doing your own thing, gives opportunity for all kinds of conversations. I think it's very important to have this "quantity" time.

I think if your boyfriend gives more time to his daughter than to his stepdaughters, it wont' divide your family. I think your SD needs to feel that she is important to her Dad and it seems right now, she's not feeling that. People (many people) are telling you that 1-on-1 time might help her behavior improve. And you are coming up with reasons why he shouldn't pay more attention to his own daughter than to his stepdaughters, who AREN'T craving his attention.

You have a stepfamily, and you can't pretend it's exactly like an original family, because it isn't.  

housemommyto2
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 2:38 PM

 

Quoting sandeeyo:

 

Quoting housemommyto2:

 

Quoting DDDaysh:

He's not spending enough time with her, some serious 1 on 1 time not just paying a bit more attention when you're all together.  

How long have you guys been together?  

 She gets about 5 hours un-interupted per weekend. Honestly I think that is pretty fair. I understand she is not around everyday of the week and needs to make up for it when she is here, but he doesn't have the time to give the other children 5 hours un-interrupted per week. And they are here all week. I don't believe children need quantity, just quality.

I believe that kids dont' understand the quality vs quantity concept.  I think more hours is better than cramming a ton of activities into a few hours and calling it quality.  He could easily do something like sit with her and read the paper while she's coloring.  Sometimes kids don't care if you do something with them or along side them.  They just care that you're THERE and ocassionally listen to them when they say something or want to show you something.

She probably does enjoy the 5 hours uninterrupted per weekend, but when it's over, she's probably still wondering, "Is that all???"

I think it's after we become adults is when we understand that quality is better than quantity.

 In my original post I explained this. She has his attention for almost the entire weekend. She is not separated from him or excluded from activities. She just doesn't get all his attention alone all weekend. She is given about 5 hours to herself and then has to share the rest. She stays with him everywhere he goes besides the bathroom and bed. He cooks her favorite foods while she is here, lets her stay up later then the other children, and takes her places she chooses. 5 hours isn't all she gets, its just what she gets to herself.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 21, 2012 at 2:41 PM

Do you think it's possible that SD actually believed you said those things? I mean, maybe she didn't think she was lying, but that is how she interpreted what you said.

Did you explain to her that you did not mean it that way? or did  you just accuse her of lying, with no discussion about the original conversation?

Quoting housemommyto2:


Tuesday morning I told all 3 of them that there will be no bullshit when daddy gets home tonight. I am not spending 3 hours listening to them fight. She told him I called her a shit-head and I am spending all night with daddy and she better be quiet.

housemommyto2
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 2:45 PM

 

Quoting whatIknownow:

 

Quoting housemommyto2:

 

 For all intent purposes, they are his children. He is raising them as the only father they know. And for the quantity, I don't think sitting in the same room silently doing your own thing is the same as interacting and enjoying each other.

Also, we are trying to blend our families. I know this is sometimes difficult, but we try. She is not my child, however would it be right for my mother to not include her when she takes the grandchildren out? Or when she buys small gifts? I don't think dividing the his and mine will make for a happy life.

How long have you two lived together?

Also, sitting in the same room, each doing your own thing, gives opportunity for all kinds of conversations. I think it's very important to have this "quantity" time.

I think if your boyfriend gives more time to his daughter than to his stepdaughters, it wont' divide your family. I think your SD needs to feel that she is important to her Dad and it seems right now, she's not feeling that. People (many people) are telling you that 1-on-1 time might help her behavior improve. And you are coming up with reasons why he shouldn't pay more attention to his own daughter than to his stepdaughters, who AREN'T craving his attention.

You have a stepfamily, and you can't pretend it's exactly like an original family, because it isn't.  

 He has done many things to make her feel important. Like staying up later to enjoy time alone with him. Catering to her requests while she is here. And as I have previously stated, spending all his waking hours with her. Including 5 alone.

As for the other children, they do ask why she gets everything her way while she is here. Why she gets to stay up later and have daddy all to herself. Yes, they are his stepdaughters in reality. But he is their daddy and they don't understand step, and that doesn't make you a lesser child in our family.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 21, 2012 at 2:50 PM

So, again - how long have you been living together?

housemommyto2
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 2:50 PM

I am quite positive she understood correctly and misinterpreted it intentionally. I did not accuse her of lying but of not telling the truth. I try not to be harsh with them. She has made up stories of the same caliber in the past with other people too. She is very intelligent and did not understand wrong. 

I asked her to repeat the conversation she and I had and she repeated it correctly. At which point I asked her where in those statements did the words "shit head" occur. That's when she started with the "but, but, I cant remember".

Quoting whatIknownow:

Do you think it's possible that SD actually believed you said those things? I mean, maybe she didn't think she was lying, but that is how she interpreted what you said.

Did you explain to her that you did not mean it that way? or did  you just accuse her of lying, with no discussion about the original conversation?

Quoting housemommyto2:


Tuesday morning I told all 3 of them that there will be no bullshit when daddy gets home tonight. I am not spending 3 hours listening to them fight. She told him I called her a shit-head and I am spending all night with daddy and she better be quiet.

 

housemommyto2
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 2:52 PM

 2 years 5 mo

Quoting whatIknownow:

So, again - how long have you been living together?

 

Dana333810
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:15 PM
Yeeep. Sounds like a classic case of acting out to me!!! Dh needs to spend some more quality time with his daugthter. It might be beneficial for you to have a talk with him about it. I had this issue with ss and dh. Ss acted out HORRIBLY, and I suggested to dh that he start taking ss on a "daddy and ss day" every weekend that he got him. He started it, and things really started perking up! There is NOTHING wrong with the man taking his biological kid out without ours and spending the day with him. He sees the girls all week. Kwim? Really think this would help you all!
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Micole1084
by on Jun. 21, 2012 at 3:32 PM
I totally understand where you are coming from. I think 5 hrs is plenty. My DH does this with his DD and he only see my DD the exact amount of time he see SD bc of work.
Like the others suggested it does sound like attention getting behavior though. Also I hope you not suggesting that the couple hour drive is included in the 5 hr of quality time bc it needs to be in addition to the drive. That may help a little.
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