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tired of the fighting need some help feeling defeated please help

Posted by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 12:19 AM
  • 31 Replies
Hi I am hoping to get some good feed back here. I am 29 years old with 3 kids and have been married for 5 years. I am head over heels still for my husband who I meet when his daughter was 2 and a half.I took her in as she was mine and loved her soo much spent time with her and had a blast.intell her mom didn't like it and told her X (my now husband) that I was not to be around his daughter or see her. After about 4 months I was able to see his daughter a little more due to us getting married.but the wall had already been put up. We then had a daughter who is now 4 and just had another daughter who is 8 weeks old. We have his daughter everyother weekend and everyother weekend all we do is fight and now starting to do it during the week also.I love his daughter I do everything I can for her,I try to help her.but the problem is I raise the kids I birthed differently then my step daughters mom does.my step daughter is 8 years old and because I forced the issue just learnt to tye her shoes,she just stares at the tv,doesn't remember to brush hair,or teeth,change underwear. I have a problem with that she is 8 years old. I try to help her tell her why we do these things and have her do chores to be a little more responsible.but my husband wants her to have fun at daddys.but I'm not into doing the weekend dad thing doesn't teach her anything but that's dads she doesn't have to do anything and the other kids do.my 4 year old has chores she does everyday she loves it and does them.when I try to talk to my step daughter its like talking to a wall a brick one.she looks away or stares at me and then turns around and does what I told her not to do.not cool.I'm just tired of fighting with my husband because of an 8 year old who wants more then anything to be just her and her dad.has really put a wall up in my relashionship with my husband and if continues I don't know where we will be.need someone who's been in this case to talk to to email back and fourth is something I would love someone who understands,can vent to and help me if that's you please please e mail me. Lastly I do love and care for my step daughter nut to me is is a little different I don't really have any say,I'm not her mom I didn't carry her,birth her which I feel makes a huge difference even tho my husband doesn't. And I told her mother I know I'm not her mom I woll never try to be she has a mom.which my husband also doesn't understand.
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 12:19 AM
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Replies (1-10):
whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jun. 23, 2012 at 6:49 AM
2 moms liked this

If dad just wants to do the "weekend dad thing that doesn't teach her anything", then that's the lead you have to follow. A stepparent can't be a more effective parent than the bioparent. You can try, and you will fail. and you will alienate your stepchild, which seems to be exactly what his happening here.

so, my advice is, lower your standards for this child. And  just find something to enjoy about her. Work on making your relationship more "fun", less stressful. If you do something fun with her and then thrown in 'How about we go brush our teeth?" she will do it and it won't feel like nagging to her.

And let SD have plenty of her-and-dad time alone, because she's at  his house to spend time with him.

asb29
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 10:44 AM
1 mom liked this
Only hard part with that is I have 2 kids and I don't want them to learn the I don't have to do chores I don't have to do this cause my sister doesn't. My 4 year old changes her under wear knowing why and 8 year old needs constant reminder even with that. She gets some dad time but he works also so I'm the one with her.think if she gets the weekend dad treatment it will be that way always and now she wants to move in with her dad and she thinks it will be fun and the same.when we have her it never fails its eatting out,movies,hockey,renting movies,staying up late ect.my 4 year olds at that age she picks up what her sister is doing and its not good habits. I try to be fun but hard when the poor girls struggling writting,tying shoes,stuttering at times,paying attention,remembering. I want the best for her as I do the kids I birthed.I was 21 when I bought my 1st house I want her to achieve nice things also but if she keeps on the path she is she's going to have trouble.at age 6 she wanted to have kids so she could live on welfair like her mom she told me.I have stopped trying with things cause ruining everything always all about her with things.I'm really not a bad person or mom
packermomof2
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 10:56 AM

My 9 year old just recently got the hang of tying shoes.  I have to be on my 9 year old to brush teeth as well.  You aren't raising the 8 year old.  She isn't your kid to raise.  She has a mother who is doing that when she isn't at your house.  She sounds like she wants dads attention, not yours...


TempestRayne
by Donna on Jun. 23, 2012 at 11:40 AM

 Jus let Dad do his thing. I would however, stress the importance to dad of hygeine, there is no reason for her to be stinking up the house.

looneytunes290
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 11:46 AM
Its not an easy place to be- My kids have always had different rules than their older step sisters. When they asked- why doesn't Ed have to--insert whatever- my response always was - "she isnt my child, she is a guest and it's up to her parents to teach her things, it's up to me to teach you." they seemed to unederstand that and go with it. If anything the sd's had a little bit of an issue because they always wanted to not be treated like guests, but they didn't want to behave the way we expect kids to behave. We were the fun eowe parents and now they are grown and don't come around much. The super sad part is the father in these kinda deals because kids don't ever respect eowe fun dads. And honestly he's the only one that cares about seeing them. We dealt with a lot of parental alienation. And my skids had their moms 100 percent support to make our lives hell if they weren't getting their way about everything too. Blah- hope your deal works out better than ours- proceed with caution and always make your kids your number one priority.
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KellyReedy
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 12:02 PM
4 moms liked this

So, if SKIDS aren't a STEP MOM's KID, don't want to follow rules, be as a family when there, then I
'm guessing SM doesn't need to make dinner, make sure their sheets are clean, etc...things a "mom" should do...but beings she's "only a 'step mom'" , she can let them fend for them selves??!

ok then, carry on...


zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Jun. 23, 2012 at 12:36 PM
2 moms liked this
I know it is annoying, I know it is hard but if this is how sd's parent choose to raise her then you have to step back and them do it their way. I hear your concern about your kids, when they start to ask why they have different expectations than sd, say " good question, ask your dad" let him answer it, perhaps it will make him change his way. if he isn't around just tell them the truth, " because they have different parents" or perhaps you can say "because sd is only a guest in our house and that is how we treat guest." again, not fair I totally get it. Sd is not a guest but that is hiw dh wants to treat her so it is what it is. I taught my sd at 8 how to tie her shoes because neither parent did or thought it was important, she didn't brush her hair. Or shower or read on her own. I taught her her times tables so she wouldn't fail math....my sd is open to me helping her where her own parents aren't. The fighting doesn't help and dh won't change. This is who you married. Focus on the positive and ignore this one issue. Sd won't be a brain surgeon and either will my skids, but they are good, kind souls, and that is what I choose to focus on...it just takes time momma
packermomof2
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 12:59 PM


Quoting KellyReedy:

So, if SKIDS aren't a STEP MOM's KID, don't want to follow rules, be as a family when there, then I
'm guessing SM doesn't need to make dinner, make sure their sheets are clean, etc...things a "mom" should do...but beings she's "only a 'step mom'" , she can let them fend for them selves??!

ok then, carry on...

Those aren't "mom" jobs.  My kids can cook their own dinner and know how to run a washer... and change their own beds.  They aren't parents.  My husband does laundry and cooks as well... he isn't a mom.  Add to that I have cooked for numerous people.  I've washed my brothers laundry.  I've cleaned other people's houses.  I'm only a mom to two people, not all the others I've done what you've listed for...

SMs aren't the kids mom and the SKs aren't her children no matter how much she thinks cleaning and cooking for them make it so. 


cruelella2to
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 1:19 PM
1 mom liked this

i can understand how frustrating it can be but i agree with WIKN let it be a fun house. she is there 2 a month. so 2 nights a month your kids go can wild to. have a "fun" weekend with everyone. I know people say just dad and daughter but seeing as how there are so many other kids in the house you don't want to exclude. so maybe plan things like camping, family game night, trips to the park. where everyone is included but chores aren't involved.

What chores does she have that only need to be done every other weekend?

Bells2000
by on Jun. 23, 2012 at 2:10 PM

.. I might be a total bitch... but I'm pretty picky on hygiene.  A couple of my nieces (DH's sister's kids) have HORRIBLE hygiene. I mean deplorable! When I first meet them they never brushed their teeth, comb their hair, they had lice so damn bad that they had missed so much school the cops were at their house on a daily basis to take them to school, only to be sent home for lice, etc. which made them miss more days, which then sent them to court...

I tried being nice, and just doing gentle things to get them to take care of themselves. It did cause some drama, since the former live in brother would scream and yell at me, if I said anything to them like "did you brush your teeth?" or" do you girls need in the bathroom before I go in to get ready for work?".

It got so bad with morning sickness that I'd sit down at the breakfast table, they always sat next to me, and soon as they breathed on me... I was throwing up. Their breath smelt that bad.

So I got tired of it, and just made it simple rules. You are in this house, my rules are you brush your teeth in the morning, comb your hair, and shower regularly. These girls can still go 2-3 weeks without taking a bath or even changing their clothes! But when they are here, they are clean. If their mom/the kids/etc don't want them to be clean, then they can go spend their weekends/summers elsewhere.


I've helped to teach them how to do basic girl stuff though. Bought them detanglers, etc, decorative hair pieces when we go to the mall, etc. They seem to trive and do better with little rewards... like that?

Its not like it costs a lot either. There is a "dollar" store here for girl hair ties, accessories, etc that most things are like 1.50 or 2.00. Lots of cute things too they seem to like that matches current trends.


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