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Need to tell her that her Dad is not really her Dad

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I had a daughter 1 1/2 yrs old when I married.  She knew my husband as her father (for 8 years now) even though we divorced 2 years ago.  She wonders why her little brother gets to go to his house and she doesn't.  I need to tell her the truth so she has time to heal but I don't know the best (least damaging) way to do it.  Any suggestions???

by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 12:12 AM
Replies (41-50):
DDDaysh
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 4:07 PM

 Uh...  you waited 2 years to talk about this? 

notthebio
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 4:17 PM

No she is going to be damaged but you need tell her because she is probely more damaged because she feels abandoned by her dad!  Look my hubby and his exwife did this with her daughter except my hubby adopted her and continued had custody of her shortly after the divorce.  it was a rough time when my SD found out but be prepared for who is my real dad and i want to meet him. 

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 4:44 PM
I think you can just smile and say to yourself "I rock the planet".

Because if that is your sitch, you do.


Quoting baparrot2:

 I only meant it figuratively.


 


Quoting newstepmom61811:

If a stepparent has to shout it from the mountaintop as Shakespeare said "me thinks thou doth protesteth too much." something just isn't right. A truly content SP just getting it done, happy, engaged in the family is too busy happy and living and getting reward enough by the family engagement to need to shout it, that stepparent is too busy living the reward if that makes sense? The stepparents that need the whole rest of the world to acknowledge that they are filling the parental role are not feeling ok at home, are off balance and missing something, needing something that the need that much notice...



Quoting baparrot2:


 Because I think some think it's always going to just be second best. I do not feel that way at all. A stepparent doesnt have to like you, a parent does. So when there is a stepparent out there who is truly filling in the parent role and doing it well, shouldnt it be shouted from the highest mountaintop?



Quoting newstepmom61811:

That's why I just don't get it? What's wrong with the goal of being the best Stepparent you can, it's a good goal that leads to an appropriate balance, whatever it needs to be in the unique blended family you find yourself in.




Quoting baparrot2:



 




Quoting whatIknownow:




honestly this post makes me angry. So many stepparents (we see SMs do it in this forum) swear up and down that they're a real parent, they're a real parent, they're a real parent. allow the child to call them mommy/daddy..




then change their fucking mind.




I HATE that. There should be a special corner of hell reserved for stepparents who do that. It's cruel and inhuman.




 But, how many times is it suggested not to do it for that very reason?




 



 


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notuseless
by Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 5:06 PM

my bf's oldest is not his biologically but he raised her with her bm so when they divorced they agreed to him being able to see her and have the same visitation as the others, even when bm gets mad she still lets him see his oldest because he is the dad that she grew up with and she loves him, you should go out to eat with dad and kid then sit down with dad and have him tell her, she will resent you if you tell her, and you should tell her even though me and daddy are not together he still loves you and even if he is not your bio dad doesn't mean he is not your dad. and let her have visitation with your other kid if he wants to see her.

Motherof3inNJ
by Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 5:12 PM

I would get her in therapy ASAP. I'm afraid of how much psychlogical damage this will do to her and I would expect a tremendous amount of backlash from her, for not only not being truthful from the getgo, but also allowing her to sit there the 2 years you've been separated wondering why "Daddy" won't spend time with her like he does with her brother.

chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 5:34 PM
"honey, x was not your father when you were born like he is for your brother. You have different birth father. He isn't around so I can't introduce you to him. We can talk more about it when you are older. For now, please know I love you. And you will stay with me when your brother goes to x's house. You and I will have girl time".

That is how to say it to a 3-4 year old. Calmly, without wrapping her into guilt or drama.

I agree with others though. This is the problem with fixing up a step parent as "new mom/dad"
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LNLMommy
by Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 7:29 PM
Wow, don't have any great advice but ur post gives me a lot to think about. My dd father is deceased and even though I'm sure she knows dh is not her father, she still calls him dad. I need to make sure the relationship is clear
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jlg12678
by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 8:51 PM
I completely agree with this.




Quoting leegirl_jm:

The child should have known the truth even if she did call her stepfather, Daddy. There was no adoption that ensured that stepdad became the legal parent and so the relationship ended with a divorce.


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jlg12678
by Gold Member on Jun. 26, 2012 at 8:57 PM
2 moms liked this
For those who say the man is an asshole....

Who is really to blame here? Bm. Period. She replaced bf with her new husband. The man might have been a stellar father figure but he was still just the
sf. There was no legal adoption. He
has no obligation to this child who he
has no legal ties to. Honestly, I think
it's likely a smart move on his part
not to keep the charade up. What happens if it simply continues? It is going to cause more pain and confusion then there already is.

This post should be used as a reference as to why it is NEVER a smart idea to replace a bp with a new spouse.
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Ms.Gwen
by on Jun. 26, 2012 at 9:06 PM
1 mom liked this
So now this girl is going to grow up thinking you robbed her of 2 daddies. Go mom.
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