Hello! I'm new here and could use some advice. I'm not sure if I'm just over-reacting or what...Here's the scoop: DH and I have been married 8 years. I have 4 SKids - 3 SS's (19, 17, 15) and a SD (13). We have 1 son together (6). BM lives 2 blocks from us. Shared custody every other week for a week at a time. Basically we do all the "work" and she gets all the "glory."
My problem is that in return for room and board and vacations and being able to be on sports teams, providing them a car, etc....the kids should be doing some chores around the house. I don't expect 8 hours a day out of them, but minor stuff (cleaning their own bathroom, sweeping, cleaning up after they make lunch) won't hurt them, right?
DH says he agrees, and lays out a chore list and goes over it with them, but then doesn't make them do it. If they don't want to do the chores, they just don't do them. If they have something better to do (swimming, ball games), they do that instead. How do I get him to see that he needs to step up and make his kids do these things? I am tired of the lack of respect they are learning. My son went to use their bathroom the other night and was "disgusted" at how dirty it was. You know it's bad when a 6YO refuses to use the bathroom because "It's disgusting!" This has gone on since I've known DH and I know he is afraid that if he is too hard on the kids, they will move out and go live with BM. It happened with the oldest and that was a disaster. I don't want that, but at the same time, I also don't want to continue to be their maid and personal checkbooks either. I honestly think the only reason DH ever says anything to them is when I get angry and start harping and nagging at him about it. I think he only does it to make me stop...not because he thinks it's a problem.
I could use some advice. I'm so frustrated I don't know what to do anymore.
I think you started a little too late. I would probably just clean it myself at this point because it would probably be less of a headache.
I don't expect my children to earn their keep.
How is it your husband does all the work when he has them the same amount of time as mom?
We do all the dr appts, eye glasses, clothes shopping, school enrolling, ballgame hauling.....they even come to our house for meals when they are supposed to be with their mother because she doesn't cook and apparently doesn't grocery shop either.
I just don't feel like asking them to help around the house a little is asking too much. Like flushing the toilet and washing their toothpaste globs down the sink. Why is that asking too much from them???
You have to make a decision. Do it yourself or keep harping on DH and make EVERYONE miserable. At the ages of the children they SHOULD no better but no one has taught them respect. You are too late, and really..you are nothing..you are the STEPmom. If you try to make them do anything they aren't going to listen because you don't have their parents backing you up. I would, at this point, just raise my child w/ respect and either clean up after them myself OR better yet hire a maid to clean up after them and then when you have to cut back on how much is spent on them tell them that was the choice THEY made by not doing the chores they were asked to do.
I do understand what you mean by you guys doing on all the work and getting none of the glory. It sucks but that's the way it will forever be. My Skids live w/ their father and I (and always have, at this point the children have lived w/ me longer then they ever lived w/ their mother lol). WE raise them, their mother lives 5 hours away and is only there to get the "glory"...I just let her have it lol. Everyone knows who is doing the "work" and raising these children. The kids will always think she is "the best mother ever" and I am just "step mom," and that's okay w/ me because I KNOW all that I do for them and my husband appreciates all I do for his children....even if they don't :)
What have you been doing for the last 8 years? Seems a little late in the game to make them do chores now, but it will ONLY work if DH is really with it.
I agree with you, that at their ages, they should be able to do something more than they are doing. I get that its a problem because YOUR CHILD is suffering, because of the laziness of his kids. However, its not as if we as a SM can make them do anything.
I'm in a very similar boat, except all of my step-kids are 18 or over.... and the idea of them actually doing their 1 chore (take out the trash) is impossible for them to do. Its not as if its because they are busy with other things... the oldest is 21, is not currently enrolled in college, does not work, does not do anything but play video games all night and sleep all day.
DH won't do anything to tell his kids to do something, he instead just does it after I've bitched.
I wish I knew a solution to the problem. But I've since given up and we are working on making our marriage work... so part of our agreement is moving. I want 2 bathrooms... 1 for me and my daughter... the other his kids can use. They want to be pigs? sure, be pigs. But keep your dirty ass out our bathroom/space. etc.
I'm sick of it.
After 8 years you're just now wanting to lay down the rules? I'm not even a year into this and Dh knows I don't do the maid thing. If you don't like it step away and have your Dh deal with it.
I have that problem as well. My two steps are now 19 and 18 just graduated high school......home ALL
day both only work about 2 nights a week.........I come home to glasses everywhere, pots left on the stove, etc.
so what i do now as I'm tired of nagging. I put everything on one side of the sink - thank goodness I have a large double one. After a few days...I show DH - it's his choice to either have them wash them or he does it.
last two times he has done their dishes.
Who pays the sitter?
- adamsmom0116
on Jun. 27, 2012 at 11:04 AM