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Do Sm's enjoy being a wife?

Posted by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 2:30 PM
  • 183 Replies
3 moms liked this

Or do they tend to wrap up their identity in being something/someone to other people's children?

I'm not talking about if mom is violent or abusive or downright nasty, but...

If the parents don't want you opinion on certain decisions why is that really a big deal?

If mom requests you not do certain things with the children because she wants to do it, why get upset?

If someone got married to be a SM I could see getting upset, but if you got married because you love your husbnd and wanted to be his wife I wonder why letting the parents handle their kids, parent their kids, deal with their kids, make decisions for their kids that do not include the SM are things to get upset over. 

If mom was in your marriage in some way, attempting to treat your man like her man still (calling for every little thing, wanting his help for things not kid related), telling you what he likes/doesn't like, etc I don't think many wives would like that because that is THEIR marriage.  And most want mom out of that (can't blame them).  So if you feel that way about your marriage, you take care of it, it is your business, not moms...why get upset when mom feels that way about her children and SM?  IF mom is taking care of her kids and other normal disclaimers apply.

by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 2:30 PM
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luckystars2012
by Gold Member on Jun. 29, 2012 at 2:47 PM
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I'm not legally married (may not ever be, don't really care to get married)....but I will answer this anyway.

I did not make the decision to ONLY be Js partner. He and I made a decision together to blend our families. He and his child are a package deal, just like DD and I are a package deal.

I personally don't give a rat's ass what bm.thinks. her opinion, wants, and needs are thinner than vapor. In my home mine and Js opinions are what matters. If J cares to hear her opinion, that's his choice, but I couldn't care less. And if J ever chose to discuss and make a decision with bm that affected my household in any way, without first discussing it with me, it would be a grievous insult to the strong and communicative relationship that we have built.

As far as what I do with the kids, I don't get upset if BM says I "can't" do something with SS, but I dont bow to her will either. J and I do what we feel is good for the kids, because we are the parents in our home and raise our kids together and equally.

I'm not with him solely to be a wife/partner.Im with him to be a partner and a sm, to created a blended family unit that is happy and functioning. If BM doesn't like that, well....sucks for her.
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yesmaam
by Silver Member on Jun. 29, 2012 at 2:48 PM

 Sad you have to put in these disclaimers, but I know somebody will get carried away if you don't.

Great post though. When you put it in the example you did, you don't want BM in your marriage, hopefully it strikes a chord with somebody!

wkdwytch
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 2:49 PM
1 mom liked this

When my SKs are with us, I try to treat them as my own and act as if they are my own. I don't want anyone to see me as the wicked stepmother (we even use the word bonus in my house, since my 4yo SD watches lots of Disney with those wicked steps. LOL) That being said, when my Dh is having an issue relating to one of the kids and asks my opinion/thoughts (which he always does) I offer it. I DO NOT EVER tell the mother what I am thinking, though sometimes would love to. I have offered advice to the mother of the 4yo SD, as the child was just diagnosed ADHD and my 2 sons both are. They are teenagers and the oldest was diagnosed young as well so I know what types of things to do for certain issues. My SD happens to be a lot like my son was at this same age. I did not tell her how to handle behaviors but more the process with the school and how it works, getting extra services through the school, stuff like that.

As for not doing certain things with the child, I think that can tend to get out of line. There are certain things I wouldn't like done if someone else tried to do it in my place but if she doesn't do it and it NEEDS to get done, my DH and I would take care of it. But, after my divorce I dated a guy who had custody of his daughter. I went to get a manicure and took her with me to have some girlie time. Her mother flipped her lid. I find that kind of stuff very silly to quibble over. The dad ended up telling her to get over it but I didn't get involved. Had he asked me not to do it again, I would have made him explain it to his daughter so I didn't look like I didn't want to do it. (Did that make sense or too talky? LOL) I think when it comes to moms asking SMs not to do certain things, I think the specific task/issue needs to be looked and thought about. I would never let the mom tell me what I can and can't do. With my DH, his ex decided to say I was not allowed to do anything at all for my SD, including taking her to the bathroom. He asked her "so when we are out, I should take her into the mens room?" That stopped it right there. In court, she tried to have it put in the court order what I can and cannot do. The judge told her she was being irrational and idiotic to think that I would never be in a spot to HAVE to do something, as opposed to just wanting to do it. (like giving her a bath if he wasn't home for some reason.)

aln32684
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 3:00 PM

Amen, I've been married to my husband for a year now and I have been down the blened family road before with my oldest son and it was tough but I didn't have a Bio mom that was jealous of our marriage and happiness they have been divorced for 6 yrs and Bio mom thinks she still has to know what goes on in my husbands life our life, it's really gotten bad so bad that my stpdaughter has begun to lie and being told I am the one that has ruined their family. Hello you were divorced for 6 yrs i wasn't around then anyways we are now tied up in and out of court becasue evedently the daughter should egt all of the attention and the boys are just nothing and taht is so frustratin for us not to mention all the other bs that goes on. But one thing for sure me and my husband stand united and always will.

 

frustrated

packermomof2
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 3:16 PM


Quoting wkdwytch:

As for not doing certain things with the child, I think that can tend to get out of line. There are certain things I wouldn't like done if someone else tried to do it in my place but if she doesn't do it and it NEEDS to get done, my DH and I would take care of it. But, after my divorce I dated a guy who had custody of his daughter. I went to get a manicure and took her with me to have some girlie time. Her mother flipped her lid. I find that kind of stuff very silly to quibble over. The dad ended up telling her to get over it but I didn't get involved. Had he asked me not to do it again, I would have made him explain it to his daughter so I didn't look like I didn't want to do it. (Did that make sense or too talky? LOL) I think when it comes to moms asking SMs not to do certain things, I think the specific task/issue needs to be looked and thought about. I would never let the mom tell me what I can and can't do. With my DH, his ex decided to say I was not allowed to do anything at all for my SD, including taking her to the bathroom. He asked her "so when we are out, I should take her into the mens room?" That stopped it right there. In court, she tried to have it put in the court order what I can and cannot do. The judge told her she was being irrational and idiotic to think that I would never be in a spot to HAVE to do something, as opposed to just wanting to do it. (like giving her a bath if he wasn't home for some reason.)

But if mom was constantly telling you, every time she saw you, that you needed to let your husband do x, y, or z because she knows that he loves doing those things but you've changed him and now he can't do them because you won't let him...what would you want to do?  Tell her to stop and mind her own business?

Or lets say she tells you how to manage your finances as a married couple.  Or what he really likes in bed.  Or regales you with stories about their marriage in order to help you out with yours.  Maybe she asks dad to come fix her car, water heater, and lawn mower on a regular basis (insert other things) and your husband does go help because he feels he is doing it for the kids but you feel she is treating him like her husband. 

Would you ask your husband to stop because she has no business doing that?

If so, why is it different for other people's kids?  


LyndaLoo78
by Skeletor on Jun. 29, 2012 at 3:25 PM
2 moms liked this
I would be content to be a wife; and as such be a confidant to my DH and also provide advise if asked pretaining to a myriad of topics. However, as far as children go I would be content to parent mine while my DH (hypothetical) parented his, should he have any.
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newstepmom61811
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 3:34 PM
4 moms liked this
I think most SMs enjoy being a wife, at least for me that was my first priority. Whatever BM wants to do with the kids, not a problem, their hers. But when I hear stories of BMs who say "you don't have to listen to SM" in her own home, or the ones who say, "don't talk to my children", it's beyond what's necessary and an attempt to cause discord for BM. The reality is kids don't always behave, they aren't angels, to give them the message in their heads that they don't have to listen to SM at the moments they choose to misbehave and she may need to correct sets them up for trouble and discord in the other home...the reality is there will be times SM will have to assert her authority as an adult in her home, setting the kids up to challenge it needlessly only sets them up for unnecessary discord. I think, however, some BMs like this, they do it to be the favored home. Therefore, BMs get expelled further and further from any say the worse they try to cause trouble and get upset. When BMs start causing trouble, DH and SM will find a way to contain it, it becomes an effort to salvage a functional family situation. I'm amazed sometimes what a surprise this is...
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wkdwytch
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 3:36 PM


Quoting packermomof2:

 

Quoting wkdwytch:

As for not doing certain things with the child, I think that can tend to get out of line. There are certain things I wouldn't like done if someone else tried to do it in my place but if she doesn't do it and it NEEDS to get done, my DH and I would take care of it. But, after my divorce I dated a guy who had custody of his daughter. I went to get a manicure and took her with me to have some girlie time. Her mother flipped her lid. I find that kind of stuff very silly to quibble over. The dad ended up telling her to get over it but I didn't get involved. Had he asked me not to do it again, I would have made him explain it to his daughter so I didn't look like I didn't want to do it. (Did that make sense or too talky? LOL) I think when it comes to moms asking SMs not to do certain things, I think the specific task/issue needs to be looked and thought about. I would never let the mom tell me what I can and can't do. With my DH, his ex decided to say I was not allowed to do anything at all for my SD, including taking her to the bathroom. He asked her "so when we are out, I should take her into the mens room?" That stopped it right there. In court, she tried to have it put in the court order what I can and cannot do. The judge told her she was being irrational and idiotic to think that I would never be in a spot to HAVE to do something, as opposed to just wanting to do it. (like giving her a bath if he wasn't home for some reason.)

But if mom was constantly telling you, every time she saw you, that you needed to let your husband do x, y, or z because she knows that he loves doing those things but you've changed him and now he can't do them because you won't let him...what would you want to do?  Tell her to stop and mind her own business?

Or lets say she tells you how to manage your finances as a married couple.  Or what he really likes in bed.  Or regales you with stories about their marriage in order to help you out with yours.  Maybe she asks dad to come fix her car, water heater, and lawn mower on a regular basis (insert other things) and your husband does go help because he feels he is doing it for the kids but you feel she is treating him like her husband. 

Would you ask your husband to stop because she has no business doing that?

If so, why is it different for other people's kids?  

 I am going to answer those all separately. First, my marriage, finances, love life, etc...not her business and I would first tell her so then stop putting myself in the position of having these conversations. My DH ex tried that with me ONCE and I politely reminded her that I have know him since we were 16 and I know way more about him than she ever could (it was a laundry issue, since he is a diesel mechanic and comes home stinky.)

As for your first reply paragrapp, I don't do things in place of him because i want to do it in his place. Unless SD asks for me for something specific, HE does things for her (baths, for example.) I would NEVER allow his ex to tell me how to do things in my house and would never have told my ex how to do things in his house unless it was harmful in some way. We have a division of labor in my house, especially because we have 4 kids in the house. He does certain things, I do others. Usually, when it is bath time, I am doing bills, dinner clean up or something like that. If she asks or he hurt his back or is ill, I will do the bath instead.

As to being her handyman, this has come up, since he is very handy (it's how he met her, fixing something in her apt.) and a mechanic. I have told him in no uncertain terms that she needs to handle her own situations. I asked how he would like if I called my ex to fix something if he wasn't around and he got the point right away. If her car needs fixing, take it to a mechanic. Problem with her apt., call her landlord. If the problem at the apt. is that bad, give us the child until the situation is fixed.

I don't know what you mean by your last sentence so I can't really answer that. What is what different?


newstepmom61811
by on Jun. 29, 2012 at 3:44 PM
You can't compare an exhusband to the stepkids. An exhusband is an adult, capable of speaking and handling himself, the ex is an ex, not the expert on her former husband anymore, even of she may think she is. Different people bring out very different things in one another. He is in a very different marriage. The stepkids are totally different. He and the ex can let go of one another. The kids should have contact and relationships with both parents. The exes have no more need for contact than dealings about the kids. Te exwife will not be living or visiting her ex in his home. Children are children, will need guidance. Will be spending time in both parents homes and having relationships with the people in those homes. You cannot compare the dynamics of exspouses to the dynamics of the parent child or SP child...


Quoting packermomof2:



Quoting wkdwytch:


As for not doing certain things with the child, I think that can tend to get out of line. There are certain things I wouldn't like done if someone else tried to do it in my place but if she doesn't do it and it NEEDS to get done, my DH and I would take care of it. But, after my divorce I dated a guy who had custody of his daughter. I went to get a manicure and took her with me to have some girlie time. Her mother flipped her lid. I find that kind of stuff very silly to quibble over. The dad ended up telling her to get over it but I didn't get involved. Had he asked me not to do it again, I would have made him explain it to his daughter so I didn't look like I didn't want to do it. (Did that make sense or too talky? LOL) I think when it comes to moms asking SMs not to do certain things, I think the specific task/issue needs to be looked and thought about. I would never let the mom tell me what I can and can't do. With my DH, his ex decided to say I was not allowed to do anything at all for my SD, including taking her to the bathroom. He asked her "so when we are out, I should take her into the mens room?" That stopped it right there. In court, she tried to have it put in the court order what I can and cannot do. The judge told her she was being irrational and idiotic to think that I would never be in a spot to HAVE to do something, as opposed to just wanting to do it. (like giving her a bath if he wasn't home for some reason.)

But if mom was constantly telling you, every time she saw you, that you needed to let your husband do x, y, or z because she knows that he loves doing those things but you've changed him and now he can't do them because you won't let him...what would you want to do?  Tell her to stop and mind her own business?

Or lets say she tells you how to manage your finances as a married couple.  Or what he really likes in bed.  Or regales you with stories about their marriage in order to help you out with yours.  Maybe she asks dad to come fix her car, water heater, and lawn mower on a regular basis (insert other things) and your husband does go help because he feels he is doing it for the kids but you feel she is treating him like her husband. 

Would you ask your husband to stop because she has no business doing that?

If so, why is it different for other people's kids?  



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leegirl_jm
by Ruby Member on Jun. 29, 2012 at 4:03 PM
1 mom liked this
I am happy to be my husband's wife, I am his partner, he is my friend, companion, business and professional consultant, my lover and the father of my children. I have no complaints, BM is the one complaining about him being my husband.
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