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Sometimes I feel like the other woman.

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And I'm not...never have been.

I met my DH long after things went sour with his ex wife. But she still calls him for every little thing (all hours of the night), shows up unannounced and acts like *I'M* the intruder in the house, and cries to my DH about all her boyfriend drama. She's a drug addict and basically homeless. I know my DH still cares about her as a friend but it's gotten to the point where I feel like I'm seriously the other woman.

I told him tonight that when our baby gets here, she is no longer welcome INSIDE our house. I do not want her dramatics or crazy drama anywhere near my DS or my newborn. He was like, "okay...." and called me hormonal. But seriously? How much of her shit do I have to put up with in MY own house? She treats my SKs like they are an excuse for her to come over from time to time....and basically only shows up when she knows that they aren't here.

I love my DH...but I honestly do not want to deal with this woman for the rest of my life. He keeps telling me, "Don't worry: she'll be dead soon." Because she has a very rough lifestyle...it's awful for him to say and I don't wish something bad to happen to her. I just want her to respect the fact that we are married, having a baby soon, and trying to move on with OUR lives...but I guess you can't really expect much from a druggie, right?

I'm just frustrated and kind of hurt. It's like, my feelings don't really matter and *I'm* his WIFE now.

by on Jun. 30, 2012 at 11:57 PM
Replies (11-20):
Newmies
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 10:40 AM
1 mom liked this

I have already bended over backwards on a TON of issues when it comes to my DH. He is still very much involved in my ex wife's family. When they split, she had been on her crazy binge drinking and drugs wagon for almost 3 years...and her family completely disowned her for what she did to my DH and SKs. I try not to look at her family as HER family but as my DH's because they are really good people and I do enjoy them but it was really hard for me to accept the fact that he was still so involved with them when we first started dating, got engaged/married, etc. I thought it was really weird at first but I've grown to love them as much as I would any inlaws.

The way I treat BM is a totally different story when the kids are here, I try to be as nice as possible (she makes it so tough though). But when the kids aren't here, I'm very much a bitch. She comes into our house and will go straight to the fridge and cupboards, looking for food without even asking! The last time she was here, I freaked out on her because my DH was in our room getting dressed and she walked back to our room and barged in. I was all, "Aw hell no!" lol. It's stupid shit but at the same time, it's a huge deal to me. She'll call him sometimes completely drunk and on something and BEG him to come over and sleep with her. He always tells her to stop calling and hangs up.

It wasn't so bad when we first got married but as soon as she found out through the grapevine (my SD) that I was pregnant, all hell broke loose. She called him and asked if it was true and he told her yes and she started crying hysterically. And he APOLOGIZED to HER. Are you kidding me?! I love him, but he needs to grow a pair and tell his exwife to back the hell off.

Quoting OregonMom80:

Your DH needs to respect how you feel about it.  BM has been in our home once - when I was there only.  Apparently I wasn't "friendly" enough and made her feel uncomfortable in *my* home, so she doesn't want to come in anymore.  ROFL - well, I wasn't trying to be unfriendly, but she SHOULD feel uncomfortable in my home.  Sorry you're dealing with this - it would drive me nuts.


zannahdeux
by Silver Member on Jul. 1, 2012 at 3:01 PM
1 mom liked this
There are no boundriies and there needs to be...I agee get him so articles to read on setting boundaries.
feliciasmith
by Bronze Member on Jul. 1, 2012 at 3:38 PM
He did WHAT?!

dh and I are currently trying for our first together and if he pulled this I would politely show him the door. I was a single mother once and I'd gladly do it again in this situation.

A child with the person he 'loves' is nothing to be sorry about. He sounds way to involved with her still, sorry.


Quoting Newmies:

I have already bended over backwards on a TON of issues when it comes to my DH. He is still very much involved in my ex wife's family. When they split, she had been on her crazy binge drinking and drugs wagon for almost 3 years...and her family completely disowned her for what she did to my DH and SKs. I try not to look at her family as HER family but as my DH's because they are really good people and I do enjoy them but it was really hard for me to accept the fact that he was still so involved with them when we first started dating, got engaged/married, etc. I thought it was really weird at first but I've grown to love them as much as I would any inlaws.

The way I treat BM is a totally different story when the kids are here, I try to be as nice as possible (she makes it so tough though). But when the kids aren't here, I'm very much a bitch. She comes into our house and will go straight to the fridge and cupboards, looking for food without even asking! The last time she was here, I freaked out on her because my DH was in our room getting dressed and she walked back to our room and barged in. I was all, "Aw hell no!" lol. It's stupid shit but at the same time, it's a huge deal to me. She'll call him sometimes completely drunk and on something and BEG him to come over and sleep with her. He always tells her to stop calling and hangs up.

It wasn't so bad when we first got married but as soon as she found out through the grapevine (my SD) that I was pregnant, all hell broke loose. She called him and asked if it was true and he told her yes and she started crying hysterically. And he APOLOGIZED to HER. Are you kidding me?! I love him, but he needs to grow a pair and tell his exwife to back the hell off.


Quoting OregonMom80:

Your DH needs to respect how you feel about it.  BM has been in our home once - when I was there only.  Apparently I wasn't "friendly" enough and made her feel uncomfortable in *my* home, so she doesn't want to come in anymore.  ROFL - well, I wasn't trying to be unfriendly, but she SHOULD feel uncomfortable in my home.  Sorry you're dealing with this - it would drive me nuts.



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Arkansasgirl79
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 3:45 PM
Oh wow
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tymama1022
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 4:42 PM

Sounds like your dh dont care about your feelings! Why? Because she's his ex wife he does still care about her and she also has kids by her.  Thats all find but he needs to put your feelings over his ex wives she shouldnt be able to call your house as she pleases or even his cell unless its an emergency with the kids.  After 7pm she shouldnt call at all unless the kids is in her care and its an emergency.  She shouldnt be able to just pop up at ur residence even if her kids does live with you or even just visting yor home.  She needs to get approval for either DH or yourself and that visit to your home should be resonable not everyday or just becase.  I would tell dh he needs to respect that our your marriage will not last because she is a druggie you have a new born and other small children you do not want exposed to that type of stuff.

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 1, 2012 at 5:43 PM

ok, well it sounds like you have a plan in place to rectify the situation.

When  you hook up with a man who is not divorced yet, there are these inconvenient complications.. which you are experiencing now.

Hopefully when you sell BM's old house, she will no longer feel like it is her old house and you won't have that problem anymore.

Oh by the way - everyone DOES have the luxury of waiting till a man is divorced before hooking up with him. Yeah.. you had that luxury.

Quoting Newmies:

We've already talked about it and right now, it's just not an option. Not everyone has the luxory of totally wiping the slate clean by moving somewhere new. We've been saving and we're hoping to sell, buy and move by next Spring.

Quoting whatIknownow:

You know what *I* would have to do to "make it feel like my own?"

Sell it!

and buy a new house. then there will be no misunderstanding.

Quoting Newmies:

They were still separated when I met my DH...but they had been separated for 2 years. They are now divorced. She wasn't "living" with her family but he would occasionally let her crash on the couch if she had no where else to go.

And yes, I moved into what was once her house. Her name is no longer on the deed. I'm not comfortable living here, not gonna lie. But my DH has told me time and again that this is my house and to do whatever I feel I need to do to make it feel like my own. Easier said than done.


Quoting whatIknownow:

What does "long after things went sour with his ex wife" mean. Where they divorced? Were they separated? Where they still living together?

Do you live in what was once her house? Is her name still on the deed?





Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jul. 1, 2012 at 5:51 PM
It's not that easy to sell your home. For me at least my Dh kept this hole bc my Skids (when the final divorce was happening) would cry "please dad don't sell the house!mom will never stay in one place,please don't sell the house!

My Dh felt bad and thought he was doing something right. He could have made a good chunk of $ of he'd had sold at that time. Gosh,the dummy. Lol. But he was a strok believer that they could always call this home. Now....they are tween and teenagers and they couldn't give a crap about this house. Dh lost. He lost a shit load of $ and his "dream" house.

he's not upside down,but it would be hard to sell. We are trying...



Quoting whatIknownow:

You know what *I* would have to do to "make it feel like my own?"

Sell it!

and buy a new house. then there will be no misunderstanding.


Quoting Newmies:

They were still separated when I met my DH...but they had been separated for 2 years. They are now divorced. She wasn't "living" with her family but he would occasionally let her crash on the couch if she had no where else to go.

And yes, I moved into what was once her house. Her name is no longer on the deed. I'm not comfortable living here, not gonna lie. But my DH has told me time and again that this is my house and to do whatever I feel I need to do to make it feel like my own. Easier said than done.



Quoting whatIknownow:

What does "long after things went sour with his ex wife" mean. Where they divorced? Were they separated? Where they still living together?

Do you live in what was once her house? Is her name still on the deed?



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Amy1973Potts
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 5:52 PM
There is not one single reason to tolerate her. At all. Not her house anymore. Not her husband. He isnt tninking about the stress he is causing you. You're pregnant. That is stressful enough.

Quoting Newmies:

I have already bended over backwards on a TON of issues when it comes to my DH. He is still very much involved in my ex wife's family. When they split, she had been on her crazy binge drinking and drugs wagon for almost 3 years...and her family completely disowned her for what she did to my DH and SKs. I try not to look at her family as HER family but as my DH's because they are really good people and I do enjoy them but it was really hard for me to accept the fact that he was still so involved with them when we first started dating, got engaged/married, etc. I thought it was really weird at first but I've grown to love them as much as I would any inlaws.

The way I treat BM is a totally different story when the kids are here, I try to be as nice as possible (she makes it so tough though). But when the kids aren't here, I'm very much a bitch. She comes into our house and will go straight to the fridge and cupboards, looking for food without even asking! The last time she was here, I freaked out on her because my DH was in our room getting dressed and she walked back to our room and barged in. I was all, "Aw hell no!" lol. It's stupid shit but at the same time, it's a huge deal to me. She'll call him sometimes completely drunk and on something and BEG him to come over and sleep with her. He always tells her to stop calling and hangs up.

It wasn't so bad when we first got married but as soon as she found out through the grapevine (my SD) that I was pregnant, all hell broke loose. She called him and asked if it was true and he told her yes and she started crying hysterically. And he APOLOGIZED to HER. Are you kidding me?! I love him, but he needs to grow a pair and tell his exwife to back the hell off.


Quoting OregonMom80:

Your DH needs to respect how you feel about it.  BM has been in our home once - when I was there only.  Apparently I wasn't "friendly" enough and made her feel uncomfortable in *my* home, so she doesn't want to come in anymore.  ROFL - well, I wasn't trying to be unfriendly, but she SHOULD feel uncomfortable in my home.  Sorry you're dealing with this - it would drive me nuts.


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whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 1, 2012 at 6:07 PM

To me it sounds like he is still in love with her.


Quoting Newmies:

It wasn't so bad when we first got married but as soon as she found out through the grapevine (my SD) that I was pregnant, all hell broke loose. She called him and asked if it was true and he told her yes and she started crying hysterically. And he APOLOGIZED to HER. Are you kidding me?! I love him, but he needs to grow a pair and tell his exwife to back the hell off.

FloridaMomma
by on Jul. 1, 2012 at 9:04 PM
1 mom liked this

OMG.  You look just like Katie Holmes in your picture.  My advice is to take Suri and kick Tom's butt out of your palace.

Sorry.  I'm just kidding.  Sort of. 

I think it is reasonable for you to have a calm discussion with your DH and agree on reasonable boundaries.  Such as he won't answer the phone after 9:00.  Or, he will let all calls go to VM and only return the important ones.  And, he won't go over to her house to do home improvement projects for her.  Things like that.  You have a right to expect that.

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