I tried to keep this short..sorry.
DH's backstory: DH has 3 kids by 2 different women. He has always paid $350/mo for his DD2 but never has for DS's 9 and 10 bc when he divorced their mother he had residency (and he didn't force her to pay any). Less than a year ago DH (trying to be accomodating) gave BM1 residency of the boys with the agreement that she wouldn't ask for CS (as he did her that favor when the tables were turned). Well, she lied, took him back to court, they went to mediation and DH gave her EVERYTHING she asked for including $350/mo and less time (it was 50/50 now that it isn't she will inevitably take him back for the remainder of her support in due time) . Now Dh is paying $700/mo in CS.
My backstory: I have 3 children. My ex NEVER paid his CO CS and owed about $25,000 in back support. They began taking his taxes and he is down to owing about $4500. I have struggled on my own for 11 years to give my kids things but have never been able to give them as much as I would like. The past 2 years he has managed to keep a job and has been paying. A year ago after I married DH I went from working part time to prn and every other weekend because I went back to school (to be able to give my kids more). My work income went from $500/mo to about $250/mo. At the same time I took my ex back to court because I knew he was NOT paying me full support. It was raised from $550 to $688/mo. Adding $138 to our mo income. So, we were only actually out $112/mo by this change. Because I wasn't working as much and paying for school all of my income and their support was going towards bills. We are still struggling and have had to make a lot of sacrifices. I have finished my LPN exit and am awaiting boards so SOON it will get better! However, DH has already said that unless I work full time I cannot go on and finish my RN.
Now, the current story, I have NO IDEA where we will come up with another $350/mo! DH has assured me that HE will work harder/longer to make up for the support. BUT, now he is telling me that I have to "get rid of" my SUV (which is the only thing we have that holds all of us) PLUS he is talking about getting himself a new car! Obviously I am ticked off! I told him that once I begin working I am going to put my kids' support into a spearate acct for THEIR expenses (medical, school etc) AND that I would pay half of our monthly bills out of my check AND that I would pay off the credit card he got to help pay my tuition. But I was NOT going to sit around and let him shell out money to women who DO NOT need it (BM1 actually said she is putting it away for them when they are older and BM2 takes 3 FL vacations with her DH and their 6 kids a year!) while my kids get NOTHING! My kids already have to see how the other kids get to do so much at their mom's because they have the money to do so (even down to them having satellite while we do not)! PLUS, I had been working toward this career goal well before I met DH for MY kids!! I will be damned if they end up short ended anymore! There is so much more to the crap my kids have went through that makes me have these feelings but this is just the icing on the cake!
So what do y'all think? Am I wrong for wanting to put their money aside for them? DH says that he and his kids have sacrificed too..I don't see it..DH splurges every time they are here and the rest of the time I struggle to figure out how to feed us!
UPDATE: I called and made an appointment for us to see a counselor. They couldn't get us in any sooner than July 17. Praying we can make it that long and praying this helps! I am nervous because I have never seen a counselor before. DH has in each of his relationships (but I'M the one he says needs counseling) so I am afraid that he will just go in and say what they want to hear all the while I look like a blubbering idiot.
But I was NOT going to sit around and let him shell out money to women who DO NOT need it (BM1 actually said she is putting it away for them when they are older and BM2 takes 3 FL vacations with her DH and their 6 kids a year!) while my kids get NOTHING! how is this statement even "justified". you're not LETTING him do anything-he's following a COURT ORDER. and if it truly is that tight in the home/income then maybe it's better to go part time school and work full time
you CAN be a full time student and full time worker-honey, i've done that for 2.5 years.
He is choosing to help support you and your children (who aren't his? At least, that's what I get from what you wrote).
I think it's perfectly acceptable to put money back for your own kids, into their own accounts. HOWEVER, I also think that IF that money is needed elsewhere (bills, other obligations) and you have chosen to share finances with your spouse then the money should go towards it in the same way as any other income.
SO is currently paying for me to finish school. If it came down to it, his child support obligation (regardless of the NEED for it in BM's house) comes before my schooling. Is the schooling for the betterment of my child? Yes, it will ensure that I have a good paying job to support DS with and access to resources that did not exist before ... but DS is not SO's child and I can't expect that he will put DS before his own children.
Quoting MrsJaiClark:I tried to keep this short..sorry.
DH's backstory: DH has 3 kids by 2 different women. He has always paid $350/mo for his DD2 but never has for DS's 9 and 10 bc when he divorced their mother he had residency (and he didn't force her to pay any). Less than a year ago DH (trying to be accomodating) gave BM1 residency of the boys with the agreement that she wouldn't ask for CS (as he did her that favor when the tables were turned). Well, she lied, took him back to court, they went to mediation and DH gave her EVERYTHING she asked for including $350/mo and less time (it was 50/50 now that it isn't she will inevitably take him back for the remainder of her support in due time) . Now Dh is paying $700/mo in CS.
My backstory: I have 3 children. My ex NEVER paid his CO CS and owed about $25,000 in back support. They began taking his taxes and he is down to owing about $4500. I have struggled on my own for 11 years to give my kids things but have never been able to give them as much as I would like. The past 2 years he has managed to keep a job and has been paying. A year ago after I married DH I went from working part time to prn and every other weekend because I went back to school (to be able to give my kids more). My work income went from $500/mo to about $250/mo. At the same time I took my ex back to court because I knew he was NOT paying me full support. It was raised from $550 to $688/mo. Adding $138 to our mo income. So, we were only actually out $112/mo by this change. Because I wasn't working as much and paying for school all of my income and their support was going towards bills. We are still struggling and have had to make a lot of sacrifices. I have finished my LPN exit and am awaiting boards so SOON it will get better! However, DH has already said that unless I work full time I cannot go on and finish my RN.
Now, the current story, I have NO IDEA where we will come up with another $350/mo! DH has assured me that HE will work harder/longer to make up for the support. BUT, now he is telling me that I have to "get rid of" my SUV (which is the only thing we have that holds all of us) PLUS he is talking about getting himself a new car! Obviously I am ticked off! I told him that once I begin working I am going to put my kids' support into a spearate acct for THEIR expenses (medical, school etc) AND that I would pay half of our monthly bills out of my check AND that I would pay off the credit card he got to help pay my tuition. But I was NOT going to sit around and let him shell out money to women who DO NOT need it (BM1 actually said she is putting it away for them when they are older and BM2 takes 3 FL vacations with her DH and their 6 kids a year!) while my kids get NOTHING! My kids already have to see how the other kids get to do so much at their mom's because they have the money to do so (even down to them having satellite while we do not)! PLUS, I had been working toward this career goal well before I met DH for MY kids!! I will be damned if they end up short ended anymore! There is so much more to the crap my kids have went through that makes me have these feelings but this is just the icing on the cake!
So what do y'all think? Am I wrong for wanting to put their money aside for them? DH says that he and his kids have sacrificed too..I don't see it..DH splurges every time they are here and the rest of the time I struggle to figure out how to feed us!
um... Sorry, but your DH should be contributing to his kids needs even if you feel they "don't need it" for whatever reason. A lot of people don't "rely" on CS because its not aways there/happens, and to rely on it when its actually needed, can mean a house going without electric, food, etc.... for those that have unreliable people "paying" or not paying child support.
How/What a BM pays for their kids with said support, really shouldn't be your concern. How do you KNOW for sure, she and her possible spouse are not working and earning enough for said vacations and luxaraies?
Just because she might be doing better than you are, at having an income, does not mean she should do less with her kids, because you can not do more with yours since your going to school?
But you are right, that the money that comes in for your kids child support should go to them and their needs. Doesn't that include paying towards the rent, electric, food, medical, clothes, and any extras if there is extra left over?
It kinda seems like you are saying BM's can't use the money as they see fit, and you can use it just for fun/vacations, and not the basics... which you seem upset the "BM is doing"?? what's it really matter?
It sucks money is tight. Its not easy trying to get a decent budget between a his, yours, and ours familiy and what the money is suppose to go to. But If DH and I argue over bills/money, I always stick with "bills/basics/needs before wants". If the bills are up to date... who cares where the rest of the money goes to.
Thats why he generally pays all the bills, and my money goes to the family fun/extras. He is salary + bonuses, so we can rely on his general paychecks for paying the bills. I work part time/short hour, and my hours can range from zero to 20.. so what I bring home, is not counted when it comes to bills.
But it generally goes to getting food for my DD and the family, I've been putting some aside for DD's needs/wants... just because its an arguement otherwise if the kids see DH get something for DD. its for our game nights, our go out and have fun as a family, etc.
I don't see it that way. I have never said anything about his DD's support bc it isn't a 50/50 arrangement. I believe her mother is entitled to it the same way I see that I am entitled to mine. He didn't even let this go to court, where, in a 50/50 arrangement he would've won! Instead he gave her exactly what she wanted (which is the same thing he did in the first place by giving her residency and THAT bit him in the ass by causing THIS). And I didn't say I was allowing him to pay support I was saying that I won't allow my kids to continue to get the crap end of everything. As for the full time worker and student. I did that, as a single mother, I did not like the way my kids had to suffer because I was never there. He went through that with his mother and he and his sister STILL hold anger toward her because of it. I also went through it with my mother and felt the same way for years (until I had to do it myself). I don't want my kids feeling like I was never there ESPECIALLY when they have a father who is never there.
Quoting needsupport100:
But I was NOT going to sit around and let him shell out money to women who DO NOT need it (BM1 actually said she is putting it away for them when they are older and BM2 takes 3 FL vacations with her DH and their 6 kids a year!) while my kids get NOTHING! how is this statement even "justified". you're not LETTING him do anything-he's following a COURT ORDER. and if it truly is that tight in the home/income then maybe it's better to go part time school and work full time
you CAN be a full time student and full time worker-honey, i've done that for 2.5 years.
Quoting MrsJaiClark:
I don't see it that way. I have never said anything about his DD's support bc it isn't a 50/50 arrangement. I believe her mother is entitled to it the same way I see that I am entitled to mine. He didn't even let this go to court, where, in a 50/50 arrangement he would've won! Instead he gave her exactly what she wanted (which is the same thing he did in the first place by giving her residency and THAT bit him in the ass by causing THIS). And I didn't say I was allowing him to pay support I was saying that I won't allow my kids to continue to get the crap end of everything. As for the full time worker and student. I did that, as a single mother, I did not like the way my kids had to suffer because I was never there. He went through that with his mother and he and his sister STILL hold anger toward her because of it. I also went through it with my mother and felt the same way for years (until I had to do it myself). I don't want my kids feeling like I was never there ESPECIALLY when they have a father who is never there.
then i guess your only option is to quit school and get a full time job so he can't keep dictating what you do with $$ eh?
Quoting andie646c:
He is choosing to help support you and your children (who aren't his? At least, that's what I get from what you wrote). Yes, he is, and for that I am VERY grateful!
I think it's perfectly acceptable to put money back for your own kids, into their own accounts. HOWEVER, I also think that IF that money is needed elsewhere (bills, other obligations) and you have chosen to share finances with your spouse then the money should go towards it in the same way as any other income. This is what I told him, that if we needed the money and I couldn't take it from my check I would use the support. 2 weeks ago he threw a huge fit bc my DD14 needed contact solution and I used $2.50 to go get it. My kids are not allowed ANYTHING without it being a huge fight. THAT is why I want to have my own source to pay for their things.
SO is currently paying for me to finish school. If it came down to it, his child support obligation (regardless of the NEED for it in BM's house) comes before my schooling. Is the schooling for the betterment of my child? Yes, it will ensure that I have a good paying job to support DS with and access to resources that did not exist before ... but DS is not SO's child and I can't expect that he will put DS before his own children. SD2's CS has continued to come before my tuition, we have sold things etc in order to pay my tuition. Even though my tuitions mo payments were the mo CS exactly I NEVER once said my tuition came first (even when I had people telling me I SHOULD be telling him that). I believe in child support. I do NOT believe in women using it as a control thing which in BM1's case it was. She said "if you would have only done what I said in the first place we wouldn't be here now". What she said in the first place was that she didn't like them going to the park by our house alone. All of the judges and lawyers involved have told her that she isn't getting that (but now she is bc he ALSO agreed to them not going) and it is a silly thing for her to bring him to court over.
Quoting Bells2000:
He has ALWAYS contributed to their needs. Like I said SD gets support and we always paid about 80% of DSS's needs bc their mother wouldn't hold a job etc. She is now married and doesn't need his income. She only went after it when her DH had to start paying his ex AND my DH made her mad bc he wouldn't respect her wishes.
I was one of those people who could not rely on it so I had to bust my butt to make ends meet.
I don't care WHAT they use their support on, I was simply sying that BM1 is married into money now and BM2 makes good money herself and comes from money. I am NOT against DH paying support, I am against me and my kids going without simply bc he didn't want to fight BM2 in court when he KNEW that if he pulled out all of our evidence as to where WE (not just DH, I have as well) have been paying everything for them already and how she owes US a ton of money he would have won and things would have continued to stay the same PLUS she would have had to pay us what she owes US.
I have always used my CS to pay bills etc. I have never had the choice but now that I will be making good money and paying my children and I's half of the bills with THAT money shouldn't I be able to do as I see fit with their support? I never said I wouldn't be covering our portion of the bills. I even said I would pay off the credit card he took out for me. Everythign and everybody will be taken care of, any extra, I want to set aside so I do not have to fight with him over getting things my children need. Plus, he is very controlling etc and I hate to admit it but I feel the need to have an emergency fund set aside just in case we have to leave in a hurry.
um... Sorry, but your DH should be contributing to his kids needs even if you feel they "don't need it" for whatever reason. A lot of people don't "rely" on CS because its not aways there/happens, and to rely on it when its actually needed, can mean a house going without electric, food, etc.... for those that have unreliable people "paying" or not paying child support.
How/What a BM pays for their kids with said support, really shouldn't be your concern. How do you KNOW for sure, she and her possible spouse are not working and earning enough for said vacations and luxaraies?
Just because she might be doing better than you are, at having an income, does not mean she should do less with her kids, because you can not do more with yours since your going to school?
But you are right, that the money that comes in for your kids child support should go to them and their needs. Doesn't that include paying towards the rent, electric, food, medical, clothes, and any extras if there is extra left over?
It kinda seems like you are saying BM's can't use the money as they see fit, and you can use it just for fun/vacations, and not the basics... which you seem upset the "BM is doing"?? what's it really matter?
It sucks money is tight. Its not easy trying to get a decent budget between a his, yours, and ours familiy and what the money is suppose to go to. But If DH and I argue over bills/money, I always stick with "bills/basics/needs before wants". If the bills are up to date... who cares where the rest of the money goes to.
Thats why he generally pays all the bills, and my money goes to the family fun/extras. He is salary + bonuses, so we can rely on his general paychecks for paying the bills. I work part time/short hour, and my hours can range from zero to 20.. so what I bring home, is not counted when it comes to bills.
But it generally goes to getting food for my DD and the family, I've been putting some aside for DD's needs/wants... just because its an arguement otherwise if the kids see DH get something for DD. its for our game nights, our go out and have fun as a family, etc.
Quoting needsupport100:
Quoting MrsJaiClark:
I don't see it that way. I have never said anything about his DD's support bc it isn't a 50/50 arrangement. I believe her mother is entitled to it the same way I see that I am entitled to mine. He didn't even let this go to court, where, in a 50/50 arrangement he would've won! Instead he gave her exactly what she wanted (which is the same thing he did in the first place by giving her residency and THAT bit him in the ass by causing THIS). And I didn't say I was allowing him to pay support I was saying that I won't allow my kids to continue to get the crap end of everything. As for the full time worker and student. I did that, as a single mother, I did not like the way my kids had to suffer because I was never there. He went through that with his mother and he and his sister STILL hold anger toward her because of it. I also went through it with my mother and felt the same way for years (until I had to do it myself). I don't want my kids feeling like I was never there ESPECIALLY when they have a father who is never there.
then i guess your only option is to quit school and get a full time job so he can't keep dictating what you do with $$ eh?
Well, sadly, I am realizing that my only option may be to leave. Work full time for a year and then try to go back to school. The kids will be older then...I don't want to leave my DH but I am starting to see from my post that I do not have many options. Either let him continue to run our lives or put on my big girl panties and high tail it out of here. Even if I had a full time job he would control the money. He controls everything, right down to when I can go to bed or have sex. I said in the beginnng there were a lot of other things that led up to this. I didn't want to go into detail but there is some of it there.
Quoting MrsJaiClark:
Well, sadly, I am realizing that my only option may be to leave. Work full time for a year and then try to go back to school. The kids will be older then...I don't want to leave my DH but I am starting to see from my post that I do not have many options. Either let him continue to run our lives or put on my big girl panties and high tail it out of here. Even if I had a full time job he would control the money. He controls everything, right down to when I can go to bed or have sex. I said in the beginnng there were a lot of other things that led up to this. I didn't want to go into detail but there is some of it there.
yeah---- no i couldn't do that, last time i checked my parent expired as my keeper at 18-the money i make goes where *I* say it goes.
can you not take your independence back and be with the same guy?
Quoting needsupport100:
Quoting MrsJaiClark:
Well, sadly, I am realizing that my only option may be to leave. Work full time for a year and then try to go back to school. The kids will be older then...I don't want to leave my DH but I am starting to see from my post that I do not have many options. Either let him continue to run our lives or put on my big girl panties and high tail it out of here. Even if I had a full time job he would control the money. He controls everything, right down to when I can go to bed or have sex. I said in the beginnng there were a lot of other things that led up to this. I didn't want to go into detail but there is some of it there.
yeah---- no i couldn't do that, last time i checked my parent expired as my keeper at 18-the money i make goes where *I* say it goes.
can you not take your independence back and be with the same guy?
I am trying to. I was raised by a very outpsoken and controlling single mother. She taught me to NEVER depend on a man and to ALWAYS call the shots. This is how I have always been and my relationships have always failed. This way never really seemed right to me so when I found DH (who is truly wonderful in every other way) I decided to let him be the "king" of the castle. I truly believe that the man should be BUT I gave WAY TO MUCH power to a man who was alrady controlling (both his exes warned me but why woudl I listen to them..right?). Now I am at a place that I am uncertain of how to take back my power. I have given ultimatums and he just says "then leave...". He is unwilling to change his ways but constantly tells me I have to change mine or leave. I figure that me working will either 1.) give me my power back and bring us closer or 2.) give me my power back and the courage to leave.
SS ten years old w anxiety?
- MrsJaiClark
on Jul. 2, 2012 at 2:16 PM