I tried to keep this short..sorry.
DH's backstory: DH has 3 kids by 2 different women. He has always paid $350/mo for his DD2 but never has for DS's 9 and 10 bc when he divorced their mother he had residency (and he didn't force her to pay any). Less than a year ago DH (trying to be accomodating) gave BM1 residency of the boys with the agreement that she wouldn't ask for CS (as he did her that favor when the tables were turned). Well, she lied, took him back to court, they went to mediation and DH gave her EVERYTHING she asked for including $350/mo and less time (it was 50/50 now that it isn't she will inevitably take him back for the remainder of her support in due time) . Now Dh is paying $700/mo in CS.
My backstory: I have 3 children. My ex NEVER paid his CO CS and owed about $25,000 in back support. They began taking his taxes and he is down to owing about $4500. I have struggled on my own for 11 years to give my kids things but have never been able to give them as much as I would like. The past 2 years he has managed to keep a job and has been paying. A year ago after I married DH I went from working part time to prn and every other weekend because I went back to school (to be able to give my kids more). My work income went from $500/mo to about $250/mo. At the same time I took my ex back to court because I knew he was NOT paying me full support. It was raised from $550 to $688/mo. Adding $138 to our mo income. So, we were only actually out $112/mo by this change. Because I wasn't working as much and paying for school all of my income and their support was going towards bills. We are still struggling and have had to make a lot of sacrifices. I have finished my LPN exit and am awaiting boards so SOON it will get better! However, DH has already said that unless I work full time I cannot go on and finish my RN.
Now, the current story, I have NO IDEA where we will come up with another $350/mo! DH has assured me that HE will work harder/longer to make up for the support. BUT, now he is telling me that I have to "get rid of" my SUV (which is the only thing we have that holds all of us) PLUS he is talking about getting himself a new car! Obviously I am ticked off! I told him that once I begin working I am going to put my kids' support into a spearate acct for THEIR expenses (medical, school etc) AND that I would pay half of our monthly bills out of my check AND that I would pay off the credit card he got to help pay my tuition. But I was NOT going to sit around and let him shell out money to women who DO NOT need it (BM1 actually said she is putting it away for them when they are older and BM2 takes 3 FL vacations with her DH and their 6 kids a year!) while my kids get NOTHING! My kids already have to see how the other kids get to do so much at their mom's because they have the money to do so (even down to them having satellite while we do not)! PLUS, I had been working toward this career goal well before I met DH for MY kids!! I will be damned if they end up short ended anymore! There is so much more to the crap my kids have went through that makes me have these feelings but this is just the icing on the cake!
So what do y'all think? Am I wrong for wanting to put their money aside for them? DH says that he and his kids have sacrificed too..I don't see it..DH splurges every time they are here and the rest of the time I struggle to figure out how to feed us!
UPDATE: I called and made an appointment for us to see a counselor. They couldn't get us in any sooner than July 17. Praying we can make it that long and praying this helps! I am nervous because I have never seen a counselor before. DH has in each of his relationships (but I'M the one he says needs counseling) so I am afraid that he will just go in and say what they want to hear all the while I look like a blubbering idiot.
Quoting ambie25:
Wait a minute. Why should her kids lose out because he owes so much cs? if they are not his kids, imo-his obligation is child support and her obligation is her kids-if they are his kids then THEY need to find a way to make sure all the kids are provided for
Quoting needsupport100:
Quoting ambie25:
Wait a minute. Why should her kids lose out because he owes so much cs? if they are not his kids, imo-his obligation is child support and her obligation is her kids-if they are his kids then THEY need to find a way to make sure all the kids are provided for
Quoting liltigersmom:
What are her kids losing?
Are you saying the op, shouldnt have to work? Contribute to her household?
Quoting ambie25:
Wait a minute. Why should her kids lose out because he owes so much cs?
Quoting needsupport100:But I was NOT going to sit around and let him shell out money to women who DO NOT need it (BM1 actually said she is putting it away for them when they are older and BM2 takes 3 FL vacations with her DH and their 6 kids a year!) while my kids get NOTHING! how is this statement even "justified". you're not LETTING him do anything-he's following a COURT ORDER. and if it truly is that tight in the home/income then maybe it's better to go part time school and work full time
you CAN be a full time student and full time worker-honey, i've done that for 2.5 years.
It will probably never be fair between her kids and the skids.
Quoting ambie25:
Ok, I read it wrong. If she's working, and her money goes toward half the bills, then her cs should go towards her children. They should get to do things too. I agree that she should be helping pay bills, etc, but it has to be fair for all the kids.
Quoting liltigersmom:
What are her kids losing?
Are you saying the op, shouldnt have to work? Contribute to her household?
Quoting ambie25:
Wait a minute. Why should her kids lose out because he owes so much cs?
Quoting needsupport100:But I was NOT going to sit around and let him shell out money to women who DO NOT need it (BM1 actually said she is putting it away for them when they are older and BM2 takes 3 FL vacations with her DH and their 6 kids a year!) while my kids get NOTHING! how is this statement even "justified". you're not LETTING him do anything-he's following a COURT ORDER. and if it truly is that tight in the home/income then maybe it's better to go part time school and work full time
you CAN be a full time student and full time worker-honey, i've done that for 2.5 years.
I would have to leave because this house belongs to him AND his ex wife (yeah...another sore subject around here). I wouldn't get nor would I want alimony since we haven't even been married a year (together longer though).
Quoting OregonMom80:
Sorry to hear that! Is there a reason you'd have to leave? Usually the court will decide who keeps the house and how financial support should be provided. In my state attending college is one reason that alimony is ordered so that the attending spouse can finish their education. I'm not normally a fan of alimony, but if you helped him out for a long time and then you started attending (and not working) by agreement, college attendance is one of the few I do agree with because I worked and went to school FT . . . I would never want to do that with kids because you'd hardly ever see them and I don't think that's an ideal outcome for the children.
Quoting MrsJaiClark:
Every time we have a disagreement about anything we vow to go to counseling and it never happens. Once he even said to me it was because I wouldn't call. When I asked why he couldn't call he said "because I don't need counseling, YOU do!" Yeah...so...I've been talking to my mom all morning. She begged me not to move in with him, not to marry him, and to leave a long time ago. I am really having a hard time saying it's over but he texted me this morning and said he thought I was being shady (and I told him about ALL the times he truly was shady) and tha if I wouldn't put all of our money into one pot (for him to use no doubt) then he had to be done. At this point I'm like "whatever" it's just trying to figure out where to go until I can get on my feet etc...
Quoting OregonMom80:
Have you thought about counseling? I'd definitely not agree to give up my car so DH could buy a new one that we couldn't afford. If you don't want to leave, suggest counseling (there are some low-cost options around I believe - maybe even through your college?) If he won't do it, then if I was unhappy, he was unwilling to change . . . well, I'm not a fan of divorce, but sometimes people aren't willing to be part of a partnership anymore and there really isn't anything you can do. It takes two people who are both willing to work on a marriage.
I'm sorry to hear that. I hope you are able to figure things out.
Quoting MrsJaiClark:
I would have to leave because this house belongs to him AND his ex wife (yeah...another sore subject around here). I wouldn't get nor would I want alimony since we haven't even been married a year (together longer though).
Quoting OregonMom80:
Sorry to hear that! Is there a reason you'd have to leave? Usually the court will decide who keeps the house and how financial support should be provided. In my state attending college is one reason that alimony is ordered so that the attending spouse can finish their education. I'm not normally a fan of alimony, but if you helped him out for a long time and then you started attending (and not working) by agreement, college attendance is one of the few I do agree with because I worked and went to school FT . . . I would never want to do that with kids because you'd hardly ever see them and I don't think that's an ideal outcome for the children.
Quoting MrsJaiClark:
Every time we have a disagreement about anything we vow to go to counseling and it never happens. Once he even said to me it was because I wouldn't call. When I asked why he couldn't call he said "because I don't need counseling, YOU do!" Yeah...so...I've been talking to my mom all morning. She begged me not to move in with him, not to marry him, and to leave a long time ago. I am really having a hard time saying it's over but he texted me this morning and said he thought I was being shady (and I told him about ALL the times he truly was shady) and tha if I wouldn't put all of our money into one pot (for him to use no doubt) then he had to be done. At this point I'm like "whatever" it's just trying to figure out where to go until I can get on my feet etc...
Quoting OregonMom80:
Have you thought about counseling? I'd definitely not agree to give up my car so DH could buy a new one that we couldn't afford. If you don't want to leave, suggest counseling (there are some low-cost options around I believe - maybe even through your college?) If he won't do it, then if I was unhappy, he was unwilling to change . . . well, I'm not a fan of divorce, but sometimes people aren't willing to be part of a partnership anymore and there really isn't anything you can do. It takes two people who are both willing to work on a marriage.
If BP doesn't have the money to see the kid.
Do You Think 50/50 Custody Is Good For the Kids?
- MrsJaiClark
on Jul. 2, 2012 at 2:16 PM