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Child Support in Separate Account UPDATE!

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 I tried to keep this short..sorry.  

DH's backstory: DH has 3 kids by 2 different women. He has always paid $350/mo for his DD2 but never has for DS's 9 and 10 bc when he divorced their mother he had residency (and he didn't force her to pay any). Less than a year ago DH (trying to be accomodating) gave BM1 residency of the boys with the agreement that she wouldn't ask for CS (as he did her that favor when the tables were turned). Well, she lied, took him back to court, they went to mediation and DH gave her EVERYTHING she asked for including $350/mo and less time (it was 50/50 now that it isn't she will inevitably take him back for the remainder of her support in due time) . Now Dh is paying $700/mo in CS.

My backstory: I have 3 children. My ex NEVER paid his CO CS and owed about $25,000 in back support. They began taking his taxes and he is down to owing about $4500. I have struggled on my own for 11 years to give my kids things but have never been able to give them as much as I would like. The past 2 years he has managed to keep a job and has been paying. A year ago after I married DH I went from working part time to prn and every other weekend because I went back to school (to be able to give my kids more). My work income went from $500/mo to about $250/mo. At the same time I took my ex back to court because I knew he was NOT paying me full support. It was raised from $550 to $688/mo. Adding $138 to our mo income. So, we were only actually out $112/mo by this change. Because I wasn't working as much and paying for school all of my income and their support was going towards bills. We are still struggling and have had to make a lot of sacrifices. I have finished my LPN exit and am awaiting boards so SOON it will get better! However, DH has already said that unless I work full time I cannot go on and finish my RN.

Now, the current story, I have NO IDEA where we will come up with another $350/mo! DH has assured me that HE will work harder/longer to make up for the support. BUT, now he is telling me that I have to "get rid of" my SUV (which is the only thing we have that holds all of us) PLUS he is talking about getting himself a new car! Obviously I am ticked off! I told him that once I begin working I am going to put my kids' support into a spearate acct for THEIR expenses (medical, school etc) AND that I would pay half of our monthly bills out of my check AND that I would pay off the credit card he got to help pay my tuition. But I was NOT going to sit around and let him shell out money to women who DO NOT need it (BM1 actually said she is putting it away for them when they are older and BM2 takes 3 FL vacations with her DH and their 6 kids a year!) while my kids get NOTHING! My kids already have to see how the other kids get to do so much at their mom's because they have the money to do so (even down to them having satellite while we do not)! PLUS, I had been working toward this career goal well before I met DH for MY kids!! I will be damned if they end up short ended anymore! There is so much more to the crap my kids have went through that makes me have these feelings but this is just the icing on the cake!

So what do y'all think? Am I wrong for wanting to put their money aside for them? DH says that he and his kids have sacrificed too..I don't see it..DH splurges every time they are here and the rest of the time I struggle to figure out how to feed us!

 

UPDATE: I called and made an appointment for us to see a counselor. They couldn't get us in any sooner than July 17. Praying we can make it that long and praying this helps! I am nervous because I have never seen a counselor before. DH has in each of his relationships (but I'M the one he says needs counseling) so I am afraid that he will just go in and say what they want to hear all the while I look like a blubbering idiot.

by on Jul. 2, 2012 at 2:16 PM
Replies (21-30):
sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 2, 2012 at 10:01 PM

How many kids do you have between you?  Do you ever feel like you're raising one more (DH)?  Geez he sounds like a spoiled little boy.  "What's in it for me?  Nothing?  I DON'T WANT TO PLAY!!!!"

Quoting MrsJaiClark:

 We talked about it again tonight and at first he was all for it when I further explained that (in additon to everything else I had already said) I would wait until all credit cards were caught up PLUS pay my own car payment and insurance. He even said he was excited about it! then he figured HIS expenses (with his new CS order in it) and realized that he would be coming out exactly even IF he bought a new car. Then he got pissed again. I voiced that THIS is exactly what I was saying! That because he chose not to fight BM2 in court he will be relying on MY income to give him and his kids the extras FOREVER (not just the year that he has for me and mine). Now he says we may as well get divorced. I said fine and walked out.

I think before leaving you should take back control of your life and do what you say you want to do.  Pay for half the household expenses, do for your kids and keep your finance separate.  If he can deal with that, then you won't have to leave him.  But if he puts up a fuss, there's your reason to go.

 


MrsJaiClark
by Bronze Member on Jul. 2, 2012 at 10:06 PM
1 mom liked this

We have always made things fair between the kids. Even my mother and sister who have only met his kids a couple times (bc they live so far away) spend exactly the same at Christmas etc. I do not agree with things being unfair. I say if you won't give it to all of them then mine don't need it and DH feels the same way when it comes to his family. I even mentioned that when we did FAMILY things we would both contribute equally and everyone would be included! That my children and I would NOT be going on vacations etc with it. It would be used for their expenses For example, my DD14 will be driving soon and will need a car (something that we both agree each kid will get). Also, I will be making so much more that my kids will no longer get free lunches and tuition at school (that will be about $1800 each school year).

Quoting OregonMom80:

  I have a big issue with children being excluded - they don't understand the whole, "well, we treat you like family normally and have you over for holidays and such, but for this you aren't family" thing.  At least not when they're young.

 

MrsJaiClark
by Bronze Member on Jul. 2, 2012 at 10:10 PM

 I have always worked. We both decided that I would go to prn when I started school so the family wouldn't suffer without me around. I will again be working full time. That was never an issue. All I have ever known is working full time plus overtime.

Quoting krisdev67:

 IMO, it sounds like you were ok with everything until he had to figure out a way to come up with the additional CS money cause YOU to have to actually work.  Sorry chickie, but if you really are thinking about leaving this "controlling" man NOW, simply because you have to get off your ass and work then what does that say about you?

 

MrsJaiClark
by Bronze Member on Jul. 2, 2012 at 10:15 PM

 No not ALL these years. We haven't even been married a year. I (ALONE) did everything until August of last year. I and my children have been to hell and back with him and his exes and yet I have always stood by his side and sacrificed our (my children and I's) happiness for him and his children's (we even left our hometown and everything we knew bc he WOULDN'T move bc him and her agreed the kids would stay in this school then by the next school year he let her switch them and he still won't go back to where we are happiest bc he wouldn't be happy). He is the epitome of SELFISH!

Quoting liltigersmom:

So let me get this straight, your dh has been supporting you and your kids, all these years. You worked but didn't contribute all that much, and he helped you get through school.

But now that you'll be working as an LPN, your dh doesn't get to benefit from your earnings, am I right?

 

MrsJaiClark
by Bronze Member on Jul. 2, 2012 at 10:19 PM

 He has 3 and I have 4 (including HIM!!). That is EXACTLY what he said. "well if I would have known there would be nothing in it for me I wouldn't have done it". I replied "oh yeah, bc THAT is how a relationship works". I then reminded him of how I have sacrificed and put up with SO MUCH to be with him and when dealing with his exes there has NEVER been ANYTHING in it for me! But I continue to try and make HIS life easier by being a damn mediator!!

Quoting sandeeyo:

How many kids do you have between you?  Do you ever feel like you're raising one more (DH)?  Geez he sounds like a spoiled little boy.  "What's in it for me?  Nothing?  I DON'T WANT TO PLAY!!!!"

 

 

 

sandeeyo
by Le Bonjour Chat on Jul. 2, 2012 at 10:29 PM

I donno chick, what I usually tell my girlfriends when they are contemplating leaving a guy, "If you can make your own way and be ok, do it.  YOU and your kids need to be happy too."  Does your DH really need a new car?!?!  Seriously, if he could do without it, it could mean $250-$500 more in his pocket a month.

BUT, if you think you can work it out and maybe get him to kick in and stop being a money pit, it's worth staying in an attempt to fix the relationship...But save those pennies and have an exit plan in place if things don't work out.

Quoting MrsJaiClark:

 He has 3 and I have 4 (including HIM!!). That is EXACTLY what he said. "well if I would have known there would be nothing in it for me I wouldn't have done it". I replied "oh yeah, bc THAT is how a relationship works". I then reminded him of how I have sacrificed and put up with SO MUCH to be with him and when dealing with his exes there has NEVER been ANYTHING in it for me! But I continue to try and make HIS life easier by being a damn mediator!!

Quoting sandeeyo:

How many kids do you have between you?  Do you ever feel like you're raising one more (DH)?  Geez he sounds like a spoiled little boy.  "What's in it for me?  Nothing?  I DON'T WANT TO PLAY!!!!"

 

 

 


MrsJaiClark
by Bronze Member on Jul. 2, 2012 at 10:39 PM

 Thanks for the advice. Since he has figured it all up I have realized that yes when I begin working I will be able to do it all alone. I don't want to leave him but anymore idk if that's because I don't want to fail at a marriage again or because he is worth working things out and fighting for. :( if I leave he will most definitely have to get a new car. I came into the relationshhip with 2 vehicles and he was driving one in his exes name. He gave it back to her and has been driving one of mine since. I have always known that his bottom line was money but at the mere thought of us having more he is becoming more and more greedy, contemplating what HE will be doing and how he will go buy new clothes for his kids (who are now here like 20% of the time and honestly could get by with 1 or 2 outfits a piece but already have a TON) etc etc *sigh* I will continue to pray for the answer. I am sure I have gotten my answer over and over again I just don't want to admit it.

Quoting sandeeyo:

I donno chick, what I usually tell my girlfriends when they are contemplating leaving a guy, "If you can make your own way and be ok, do it.  YOU and your kids need to be happy too."  Does your DH really need a new car?!?!  Seriously, if he could do without it, it could mean $250-$500 more in his pocket a month.

BUT, if you think you can work it out and maybe get him to kick in and stop being a money pit, it's worth staying in an attempt to fix the relationship...But save those pennies and have an exit plan in place if things don't work out.

Quoting MrsJaiClark:

 He has 3 and I have 4 (including HIM!!). That is EXACTLY what he said. "well if I would have known there would be nothing in it for me I wouldn't have done it". I replied "oh yeah, bc THAT is how a relationship works". I then reminded him of how I have sacrificed and put up with SO MUCH to be with him and when dealing with his exes there has NEVER been ANYTHING in it for me! But I continue to try and make HIS life easier by being a damn mediator!!

Quoting sandeeyo:

How many kids do you have between you?  Do you ever feel like you're raising one more (DH)?  Geez he sounds like a spoiled little boy.  "What's in it for me?  Nothing?  I DON'T WANT TO PLAY!!!!"

 

 

 

 

 

beaularson91
by Janice on Jul. 2, 2012 at 11:00 PM
1 mom liked this

not wrong at especially if hes telling you to get rid of your car and he wants to buy a new one....that doesnt make sense at....and the cs he pays to bms goes for fun stuff how can he tell you how to spend YOUR cs?

OregonMom80
by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 12:03 AM

Have you thought about counseling?  I'd definitely not agree to give up my car so DH could buy a new one that we couldn't afford.  If you don't want to leave, suggest counseling (there are some low-cost options around I believe - maybe even through your college?)  If he won't do it, then if I was unhappy, he was unwilling to change . . . well, I'm not a fan of divorce, but sometimes people aren't willing to be part of a partnership anymore and there really isn't anything you can do.  It takes two people who are both willing to work on a marriage.

selene_odin
by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 10:43 AM

Child support for your kids is for your kids. Putting it in a separate account is exactly what you should do. Having said that, it troubles me to read what you said about shelling out child support to "bm's who don't need it". Child support isn't for bm's, it's for the kids regardless of bm's income. Both parents are equally responsibile for financial support and raising of the children they brought into this world....regardless of the circumstances of how the children came to be. The children exist and they deserve support from both parents. The end. Supporting them has nothing to do with whether or not it's comfortable for you or makes your life easier. It's up to your husband to support his children and the family he chooses to have with you.

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