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A conversation I never expected to have!

Posted by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 5:29 PM
  • 25 Replies
So today I was contacted by my exh 1st bm.
He had a child with her in high school after a one night stand saw the child a few times as a baby and has not seen him since he was one yo or so, the child is now going on 16.
I had fb emailed her about 9 mths ago letting her know that I was exh others kids mom and was working with our county's csea to enforce his child support to our kids.
She contacted me back today. We had a pretty good conversation and I was able to give her information to help her enforce him paying her cs. We talked a bit about the kids. Her son is aware of his half brothers and would like to meet them sometime. ( they are out of state).
Here is my conundrum- my boys 9 and 7 - are not aware of her child. My dh and I have talked about whether, when , how we should talk to the boys about him or encourage exh to tell them about him. We ,I, we're hoping that ex would bring him up at some point and talk to the kids let them know they have a half brother out there, but he hasn't as of yet and honestly I'm not sure he has told his gf he has another child out there that he doesn't take care of. At what point should we ( if ever) talk to the boys about hb ( half brother ) as he is curious about them and interested in knowing them?
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by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 5:29 PM
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Replies (1-10):
by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 5:39 PM

To be honest, I don't know if I'd tell them at this point. Too much could go wrong that would result in them not seeing their older half sibling again.  You don't want to get them excited about a big brother who might not be a permanent fixture in their life, and that's way too hard on kids their ages to understand.

I'd try to establish some sort of relationship with bm first and take it slowly from there.

by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 5:41 PM

honesty is always best

by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 5:42 PM

They should know. (I'm not a step-mom, but I am a Bio-Mom, just saw this on my newsfeed). My oldest son has relationships with his 1/2 siblings because me and the mom feel it's fair to the kids to know eachother. The kids are all close and I love it.

by Silver Member on Jul. 3, 2012 at 5:53 PM

i would tell them. they can keep in touch with each other  via email and skype. i would never leave it up to xh. if he isnt paying cs or telling new gf about him what else would he be willing to hide. good luck either way

by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 5:56 PM

I wouldn't tell them. It is what they don't know can't hurt them type of thing.

by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 5:59 PM

I guess you should tell them about him. My father and mother split up when I was 2. When I was 5 or 6 I had to go live with him and he had a new wife and child. I didn't stay with them for too long. I've always known about his other daughter, but never been part of her life. She emailed me a week ago, saying she'd been looking for me for a long time and that it always bothered her that she had a half-sister out there that she never knew. 

It doesn't affect me one way or another, but it has her. So, I think telling the children about the brother is a good idea... they can all decide how much they want to be involved with each other. It would suck, I'd think, for them to find out later in life and wish they'd have had a chance to get to know him. "It's better to regret something you have done, than to regret something you haven't done."

by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 6:01 PM
I would tell them.
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by Gold Member on Jul. 3, 2012 at 6:09 PM
Dh thinks we should tell them. He was the hb in his situation. His dad disappeared when he was a baby and he didn't talk to his hsister until two years ago when their father passed away. I have wrestled with it for the past couple of years whether I should tell them. Its so hard to decipher what is too young vs I waited too long.
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by on Jul. 3, 2012 at 6:14 PM

I think the sooner the better. We all would want to know if we had a brother or sister out there some where. I believe it is every one's right to know these things. 

by Gold Member on Jul. 3, 2012 at 7:54 PM

See if you can get a pic of their brother and give it too them. Tell them about him and what you know. I really think it could be a great thing for all the boys.

I found out I had half siblings when I was 12. My Grandpa (on my BFs side) gave me a pic of my brother and told me I also had a sister (already out of school). I was shocked to begin with and even now almost 17 years later I haven't met them (sister lives in FL, brother in NY, me in IA). Our BF was worthless, signed away rights to them when they were young and tried to with me also. It was nice to know that I wasn't alone and that he didn't walk away from me first.

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