Hi Gang & An Update

[drumlinemama]

Hello Ladies!

I've not been on here for a bit...hope things are going well with all of you!  We made it through our wedding and my son's graduation in the month of May and took a short trip to Put-in-Bay last week as a family...great time!

Not sure if you remember me...just got married and my dh has a 15 and 17yo who he has full custody of and my kids are 18 and 13.  We are still having drama with my dh's 17yo daughter and I am determined it will be that way until the end of time.  I think he is FINALLY starting to see how she is; she is not happy unless she is stirring up sh**!!  I am just trying to figure out how to deal with it and not let it continue to age me in dog years!

Chores by his kids are still non-existant and his daughter is really making my daughter (13) quite miserable at times.  THAT'S the situation I will not tolerate and am hitting head on.

My husband is having surgery on Wednesday and at this time, I am just trying to keep things as peaceful as possible so he has a good outcome.

I hope you're all having a great summer!!!  :-) 

[whatIknownow]

I love it when brand new stepmoms take pleasure in proving to their new husbands how awful their children are.

Thank goodness he FINALLY understands that his daughter is awful.

Quoting drumlinemama:

I think he is FINALLY starting to see how she is; she is not happy unless she is stirring up sh**!!  

[jlg12678]

Sometimes parents are blind to their kid's behavior. And bp's usually have more tolerance towards their own kid's bs than other kids who are not "theirs". It's easy as a parent to turn a blind eye to an area teir kid might need improvement in because it reflects on them (at times) as a parent.

When my dh and I married, we both helped each other with certain issues regarding BOTH of our kids. I'm glad my dh gave advise on areas I needed and he felt the same for me.

I think you're reading too much into the post.

Quoting whatIknownow:

[whatIknownow]

Or maybe they just love their kid unconditionally, flaws and all. Not because their flaws reflect badly on them as parents.. but because, good parents love their kids even with their flaws.

It's a shame that a stepparent would seek to prove to a parent how flawed their child is. 

Quoting jlg12678:


Sometimes parents are blind to their kid's behavior. And bp's usually have more tolerance towards their own kid's bs than other kids who are not "theirs". It's easy as a parent to turn a blind eye to an area teir kid might need improvement in because it reflects on them (at times) as a parent. 

[drumlinemama]

 You know...I was REALLY hoping to come back here, write a post and not get pounced on by my favorite pouncer!  I thought this was suppose to be a support group.  Constructive criticism is great but this constantly by the same person is more drama than I need.  I can get that kind of drama right here in my own home!  I do not mean to start anything here at all but enough is enough!!

[Tigress22304]

I hope things get better for you!!!

I know what it's like to have to deal with a shit stirrer!

Good luck with the surgery as well!!

[sandeeyo]

There's nothing you're really going to be able to do about DH's kids doing chores if he doesn't back you up on it or doeesn't care, or thinks that they don't need to do chores.  And, I think you need to understand more than anything that it's not the kids, it's their dad that causes them to behave that way.  If he allows it, they're going to continue being the way they are.  So if you really think about it, it's HIS fault, not theirs.

Seriously, my twin skids a few years ago walked all over their dad because he just hated seeing them upset or crying.  Then he realized that he was uknowingly teaching them the art of manipulation.  They both KNEW that all they had to to was throw a tantrum or cry to get their way.  Now he stops the behavior when he sees it starting.  They are much better now and the manipulation has stopped (for the most part)! LOL

Not to bash on your DH, but unless he gets behind you (and ath their age, it may be too late already) none of what you're complaining about is going to get better.

I hope his surgery is successful...good luck!

[QueenJessD]

When my DH and I met, I didn't take any pleasure in helping him see the things that were wrong with his SS.  In fact, he's thanked me on many occasions for being there to offer a different point of view.  His knowledge of children was not near as vast as mine so he didn't see that certain things were issues.  Thankfully, he was open and accepting to hearing these things.  Together, we have worked hard to address these issues.  SS has turned into a child with manners, values, and he is no longer the "weird" child with no social skills.  He is able to interact with children and adults in a positive way. 

I will add that because I have a daughter the same age as SS, it allowed DH to see the vast difference in her and her friends and SS.  It was a real eye opener for him.  Of course, BM never noticed any issues so we just went forward having our own conferences with the schools and making sure he was progressing. 

An outside view can be totally helpful!  Our story is a testament to that.

I doubt this man's daughter is awful in any way.  Sounds like she's at a tough age and possibly acting out given the circumstances she has had surrounding her.  Divorce, parents remarrying, two homes... that's a lot for a child to take (at any age).

Quoting whatIknownow:

I love it when brand new stepmoms take pleasure in proving to their new husbands how awful their children are.

Thank goodness he FINALLY understands that his daughter is awful.

Quoting drumlinemama:

I think he is FINALLY starting to see how she is; she is not happy unless she is stirring up sh**!!  

[jlg12678]

Sometimes it takes the view of a third party for a parent to see that things can change for the better with their kids. I don't know of anyone who goes out of their way to prove to a parent how flawed their child is. There was nothing in the op's post about that. Some kids are shit stirrers. Some kids do cause problems just because they can. It'd be silly to sit by and let that behavior go simply because they are your child and you love them for their flaws.

Quoting whatIknownow:

Or maybe they just love their kid unconditionally, flaws and all. Not because their flaws reflect badly on them as parents.. but because, good parents love their kids even with their flaws.

It's a shame that a stepparent would seek to prove to a parent how flawed their child is. 

Quoting jlg12678:


Sometimes parents are blind to their kid's behavior. And bp's usually have more tolerance towards their own kid's bs than other kids who are not "theirs". It's easy as a parent to turn a blind eye to an area teir kid might need improvement in because it reflects on them (at times) as a parent. 

[rose0919]

i agree with a lot of the posts, dads dont always see where improvement can be done. think about history  moms used to stay home to raise the kids dad came home and didnt take part in raising them. so a lot of men dont have a clue!!!!! they dont know and need to be shown the way. if it isnt pointed out to them they think it normal.

in my case dh had no clue that at 5 yrs old his son didnt have table manors or even know how to use a fork. because he like most men let his mother teach him. when dh was with bm he was working to support her her dd and his son . he wasnt home to see what was lacking. and bm kept telling him it was normal. he didnt have kids he didnt know. he didnt have neices and nephews . when we got together he saw  the difference. no one talked baby talk to  any of the kids in our family,all of them had manors and spoke in compleate conversations. then he was around my friends kids and again none of them were as behind as his son. he needed to be enlightend. 

yes ss was only 5 but bm kept telling dh this was normal for 5 yrs old. he believed it.dh and i went round after round on it until he realized yes his son was behind other kids. and then he snaped into action.ss no longer ate at our home with his hands he ate off of plates not the table like at bms home he didnt drink from a bottle at night,or a sippy cup during the day,he learned please and thank you not grunting and i want. this was all do to dh having his eyes opend.

teens are hard to begin with but if you let them get to far out of hand they will take advantage of it.it is our jobs as parents(bp and sp)to make sure our kids get what they need to be able to survive as adults and make it in the world. sometimes dads just need a push to get it going. be his chearleader and his coach.he needs to take the lead but you need to show him how.

[drumlinemama]

 Thanks for your replies gals!  Queen, while I don't completely disagree with your reply, I don't feel that the changes my sd has encurred is the cause for her behavior.  Her aunt and grandmother even know what she's like...she has a "mean" streak.  My children's father died when they were 5 and 10; I could have chosen that as a reason to allow my children to act inappropriately...I did not.  My husband's two children still have their mother in their lives (although I think sometimes it would be best if they did not).  She stayed home with them all their lives and obviously taught them NOTHING!  Four years ago she just up and decided she didn't want to be a wife and mother anymore and left my dh and her children for another woman!  After six months, she decided to come back.  We all have crosses to bear but cannot make those a reason to treat others poorly!