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long but need some suggestions

Posted by on Jul. 9, 2012 at 3:01 PM
  • 23 Replies

Ok guys so I really need some help with something.

You guys know I'm pregnant. I'm slowly letting the cat out of the bag (because I'm still legally married). Well, here's some history just to give you guys some background. I've ALWAYS made choices my family doesn't like, mainly with the men. With my first husband, it was because he was 5 years older than me, we dated when I was in high school and he couldn't hold a steady job. Husband #2 he was 23 years my sr and didn't work for 3 years. And this one, simply because I moved so fast after separating from xh (I did).

Now onto family life; my nieces, who are 9 (bio) and 6 (emotionally adopted, bio's half-sister) *I* have been a part of their lives ALL their lives. When niece 6 was younger (just before her dad lost all rights to her) against my brother's will, I started getting her WITH niece 9 because it wasn't fair to her to always be left behind. At first, my family shunned me away and gave me 3rd degree for that, eventually they came to and now gets her when they get bio niece. Because my brother chose a life that took him away from her, I started getting niece, mom was at first, then decided a volunteer thing was more important (it became her life) the ONLY reason my bio niece even knows us is because I would not back off, I refused to let her grow up without knowing our side the way my dad did us.

So fast forward a bit. He met sil in military, she was GREAT at first, we all loved her; until she got pg. then she decided we weren't good enough for her. (mom and her have bickered like CRAZY) so I keep my distance to avoid being brought in the drama) so I have a second niece I've had maybe a total of 3 hours with, who is 5.

So fast forward to when xh and I got married. I did EVERYTHING in my power to schedule that wedding for when bro and sil could be there-he eventually told me sea world was more important (long story short). I was asked about what I thought about Christmas cards from a cousin....huh?? what the hell are you talking about?? Because I was the ONLY ONE in the entire family that didn't get one.

So let's fast forward to THIS year alone. Mom told me he and sil got remarried (first time was eloping, second was an actual wedding at the beach-I was unaware of this). I said nothing to him during a phone conversation, cause mom just said "he got married" we both assumed it was just another elope-no one there but niece...ok whatever. No he had a FULL BLOWN WEDDING at the beach. When I saw the pictures, I said "wait, you had a wedding and your sister wasn't invited?" he said "no one was invited" we are looking through pictures, started pointing out her sisters, mom and dad so I popped off "no what you MEANT to say, is NO ONE FROM  OUR side was invited" later told mom I'm VERY offended that I didn't get a heads up to a fking WEDDING!!! She didn't blame me-but I say nothing to my brother.

Then just before grandpa dies....my niece came up to my mom "I'm going to have a baby brother or sister" I had to insert myself into that family fun and had to see the ultrasound video from a distance and was ignored when commented.

So then, I get out of mom's house (because well, I just couldn't do it-I knew I was possibly pregnant-it's time to fly again).

Just to back up a bit, the ONLY time I hear from my brother anymore is if I happen to be at the right place at the right time or he hears I'm screwing up and wants to talk to me (to set me straight for mom)-otherwise I barley exist

Well, shortly after I move out, brother texts me "hey, I'm hearing some crazy stories about you and wanted to hear from you what's going on"

Well, another long story short I told him "I'm sure you are, but don't care to talk about it because that's the ONLY time I hear from you, when I have your daughter, or you hear I'm messing up"

He acknowledges it's true but was contacting me for both, because he's hearing I'm messing up and just wants to chat. Well I deny him his request and tell him this time I need to do on my own.

"Ok well hope you are doing what's right for you and your daughter"

"I believe I am and that's what counts"

Few days later-I contact oldest nieces mom to talk to her cause I'd like to start getting them again but wanted to talk to her first (because of the quick moves with bf). Well, SLAP DOWN. She said I'd have to talk to brother first cause she doesn't feel like dealing with him bitching at her and he's requested I have ZERO contact with them until I talk.

She has him contact me and he said "I'm not talking about this on text you can call when you want to, please" so I told him "I'll call when I have a chance for this to soak in seeing as I just got told I can't have ne thing to do with nieces (and you're only dad of ONE) until I do."

Ok, now that there's some background. For the last 10 years, I don't hear SHIT from my brother except for through the grapevine (usually mom). At first it was understandable because he was military and overseas at war---he didn't have time to worry about sister-had limited phone calls, and staying in touch with his daughter and my mom was more important (it was). But NOW I STILL don't get anything from him, though I've BEGGED him to let me be a part of his life-especially since he's got more kids. I asked him if I would ever get to be a part of nieces life-he said "yeah but you got to get to know her first, she doesn't trust just anyone" I reminded him "I'm NOT just anyone; I'm his SISTER, but wtf ever!"

So here's my issue. I'm 10 weeks pregnant. Mom, has every right to know and every right to be pissed especially since she JUST helped me get out of a sticky situation and (in her mind)I get RIGHT BACK into another. but honestly I'm debating if I don't want to let brother find out through the grapevine like he does me-course nieces mom (that got taken from me) said "he probably won't get over it if you don't tell him and it'll really piss him off even more" cause I'm seriously debating not. But it's not like he worries about how the fuck I feel, and keeps me in the loop, so really, he has NO RIGHT to get mad at me for NOT sharing with him eh??

So I'm thinking about not telling him because

A)     He doesn't ever tell me until O BTW

B)      He doesn't include me in his life

C)      He tells me here's what I did IF I'm at the right place at the right time

D)     I only hear from him when I have his oldest daughter

E)      Because I didn't want to talk to him about what I'm doing he convinced niece's mom to ban me from her and HE doesn't even stay active with her. Both nieces got banned and he's only bio dad to ONE the only reason he has anything to do with #2 is because *I* gave him the bird on his request.

To tell or not to tell brother I'm pregnant. THAT'S the question.

The reason I DIDN'T talk to him about what I'm doing is not only because he doesn't share with me but because I feel like he's trying to babysit me, he's 31 I'm 29. They ARE used to me giving into or listening to them and if I don't do what they suggest, I'm a fool. Until I put my foot down then I'm cut off ONCE AGAIN from the family.

Also, as far as his daughter goes, yes I feel he has right to make decisions for her, and if that includes banning me, he has the right to BUT he's not around regularly to play dad, I go through his xgf SHE has sole custody of both....so why all the sudden does he feel he has the right to step in and say "I'm dad, bow" (as he has said our dad does with us)

 

by on Jul. 9, 2012 at 3:01 PM
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Replies (1-10):
RubyLu
by Member on Jul. 9, 2012 at 3:36 PM

This may not answer your questions, but just a thought...
If I am reading this right, you are married and pregnant by you new man, right? If so, and you are persuing a divorce from your ex, check with your state. I've been told some states will not allow a divorce, no matter who is the childs father, until the child is born. I might be reading this completely wrong, if so, I'm sorry. I had just heard something about divorce can't proceed if there is a pregnancy, thought I'd give a heads up.

As far as your brother, if you don't get along, not his business. Just my opinion.
Good luck with every though, hope you get it all sorted out!

needsupport100
by on Jul. 9, 2012 at 3:48 PM


Quoting RubyLu:

This may not answer your questions, but just a thought...
If I am reading this right, you are married and pregnant by you new man, right? If so, and you are persuing a divorce from your ex, check with your state. I've been told some states will not allow a divorce, no matter who is the childs father, until the child is born. I might be reading this completely wrong, if so, I'm sorry. I had just heard something about divorce can't proceed if there is a pregnancy, thought I'd give a heads up. my attorney is aware that i'm pregnant and since it's not his, it wont stop me from getting it final. the only issue it may propose is if the baby is born before it's done, i'd have to give married name unless xh signs denial of paternity

As far as your brother, if you don't get along, not his business. Just my opinion.
Good luck with every though, hope you get it all sorted out! we do "get along" he just doesn't share what he's doing with me, doesn't include or invite me, and only talks to me when i have his daughter or he wants to do dirty laundry with me for someone else (give me 3rd degree)


RubyLu
by Member on Jul. 9, 2012 at 7:23 PM
Well you're on it, that's great! Glad your lawyers on it too, that's always good. That sucks about having to give him the xh last name though, hope it all works out!
That stinks about your brother. Maybe he will come around soon, that would be nice!


Quoting needsupport100:



Quoting RubyLu:


This may not answer your questions, but just a thought...
If I am reading this right, you are married and pregnant by you new man, right? If so, and you are persuing a divorce from your ex, check with your state. I've been told some states will not allow a divorce, no matter who is the childs father, until the child is born. I might be reading this completely wrong, if so, I'm sorry. I had just heard something about divorce can't proceed if there is a pregnancy, thought I'd give a heads up. my attorney is aware that i'm pregnant and since it's not his, it wont stop me from getting it final. the only issue it may propose is if the baby is born before it's done, i'd have to give married name unless xh signs denial of paternity

As far as your brother, if you don't get along, not his business. Just my opinion.
Good luck with every though, hope you get it all sorted out! we do "get along" he just doesn't share what he's doing with me, doesn't include or invite me, and only talks to me when i have his daughter or he wants to do dirty laundry with me for someone else (give me 3rd degree)




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rebeccasmly
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 12:31 AM

I'm torn with this. Everything in me is saying "screw him" but that goes against what I believe. What would be ultimate goal? To teach him a lesson on how it feels? Or to get involved in the lives of his children? I guess what you should do depends on what your long term goals are.

needsupport100
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:14 AM


Quoting rebeccasmly:

I'm torn with this. Everything in me is saying "screw him" but that goes against what I believe. What would be ultimate goal? To teach him a lesson on how it feels? Or to get involved in the lives of his children? I guess what you should do depends on what your long term goals are.

GOALS? well, i can't control HIS actions, only mine, but it's not fair that i jump when he's in town and i jump when his wife is in town with him (rare) and let them see my dd. It used to be only to help give my mom witness, because bickering only happens when it's just her and mom (i wont go there, i'll leave first and they know it)

my ultimate goal-i guess THEN was just to be able to be a part of his children's lives. I once settled with his oldest daughter cause wife is a 5 star "you're not good enough for my kids" bitch-and i settled to never have a relationship with something i never knew

now? i guess my goal, since he's banned me from a child that's NOT EVEN HIS would be to LET ME BE A PART OF ALL YOUR KIDS LIVES if you want to be a part of ANY of my kids lives (dd9 included). course she'd never miss it, cause he's not in town much any way.

but i'm trying to decide a) tell him i'm pregnant but not share any pics or details with him as he does me b) let him hear through the grapevine like he does me and STILL not share details of my life with him since he obviously refuses to share with me (give up the fight to stay in touch)


rebeccasmly
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:30 AM

Then (if I am reading this correctly), I would say what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

The reason I asked about goals (and goals was probably the wrong word to use so I apologize for that) was because if you wanted to go back to how things were before he banned you, I would suggest something different. With what I am reading (and once I apologize if I am reading this wrong, sleep deprivation due to insomnia can play heck on comprehension, lol) you want to ban him from your children's lives until he allows you back into the lives of all his children. And to that I say what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

Quoting needsupport100:


Quoting rebeccasmly:

I'm torn with this. Everything in me is saying "screw him" but that goes against what I believe. What would be ultimate goal? To teach him a lesson on how it feels? Or to get involved in the lives of his children? I guess what you should do depends on what your long term goals are.

GOALS? well, i can't control HIS actions, only mine, but it's not fair that i jump when he's in town and i jump when his wife is in town with him (rare) and let them see my dd. It used to be only to help give my mom witness, because bickering only happens when it's just her and mom (i wont go there, i'll leave first and they know it)

my ultimate goal-i guess THEN was just to be able to be a part of his children's lives. I once settled with his oldest daughter cause wife is a 5 star "you're not good enough for my kids" bitch-and i settled to never have a relationship with something i never knew

now? i guess my goal, since he's banned me from a child that's NOT EVEN HIS would be to LET ME BE A PART OF ALL YOUR KIDS LIVES if you want to be a part of ANY of my kids lives (dd9 included). course she'd never miss it, cause he's not in town much any way.

but i'm trying to decide a) tell him i'm pregnant but not share any pics or details with him as he does me b) let him hear through the grapevine like he does me and STILL not share details of my life with him since he obviously refuses to share with me (give up the fight to stay in touch)



needsupport100
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:43 AM


Quoting rebeccasmly:

Then (if I am reading this correctly), I would say what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

The reason I asked about goals (and goals was probably the wrong word to use so I apologize for that) was because if you wanted to go back to how things were before he banned you, I would suggest something different. With what I am reading (and once I apologize if I am reading this wrong, sleep deprivation due to insomnia can play heck on comprehension, lol) you want to ban him from your children's lives until he allows you back into the lives of all his children. And to that I say what's good for the goose is good for the gander.

well, that's partially it, but also because he's PROVEN because actions speak louder than words that he could careless if i'm a part of his life at all. he's said that's not the case, but admited when i told him "only time i hear from you is when i have your dd or you hear something bad about me" cause he CAN'T deny that. but you can't ignore someone, then expect them to open and talk to you when you want to "set them straight" and that's EXACTLY what he does

so i guess my approach is to remind him the road goes both ways.

also because i've been seriously offended by him in more ways than one last 6 months-the biggest, didn't say a fucking word about getting married to me, just brought pictures to share. then told MY dd along with my nieces that if they need him any time to call him-and tried to help my dd remember his number-if the kids weren't there for that or around while he was in town i would've given him my two cents on that one "you can't expect someone to want you to be there for them when you're not a part of their lives to begin with!"
TempestRayne
by Donna on Jul. 10, 2012 at 9:43 AM

 Don't tell him. He will find out soon enough-it isn't like you can hide a whole new person forever.

needsupport100
by on Jul. 10, 2012 at 10:03 AM


Quoting TempestRayne:

 Don't tell him. He will find out soon enough-it isn't like you can hide a whole new person forever.

no i can't and yes he'll find out eventually, bf said "i'll contact him on facebook and tell him, i'm not afraid" and really i honestly dn't know if i want him doing that much-it's not fear but more "why the hell do you care about my life NOW?"

i guess the thing that upsets me the most, is i've been in school for 2 years. i'm literally exactly half way to getting my bachelor's degree. and i was SHOCKED at who DIDN'T know during family events when grandparents died, even cousins didn't know. so it's like wtf isn't good news spread about me like that when freaking negativity is spread like a fucking wildfire. hell my SIL didn't know i was in school finishing up last half of my bachelors'

imagine that!


TempestRayne
by Donna on Jul. 10, 2012 at 10:06 AM

 Well, good news isn't as entertaining to some people as ad news is.

Quoting needsupport100:


Quoting TempestRayne:

 Don't tell him. He will find out soon enough-it isn't like you can hide a whole new person forever.

no i can't and yes he'll find out eventually, bf said "i'll contact him on facebook and tell him, i'm not afraid" and really i honestly dn't know if i want him doing that much-it's not fear but more "why the hell do you care about my life NOW?"

i guess the thing that upsets me the most, is i've been in school for 2 years. i'm literally exactly half way to getting my bachelor's degree. and i was SHOCKED at who DIDN'T know during family events when grandparents died, even cousins didn't know. so it's like wtf isn't good news spread about me like that when freaking negativity is spread like a fucking wildfire. hell my SIL didn't know i was in school finishing up last half of my bachelors'

imagine that!



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