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stepmom the other woman.

Posted by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 1:55 AM
  • 185 Replies
13 moms liked this
I would like to see a shift from the perspective that stepmom is the "other woman" in the family.
.....a family is made and then the mom and dad split to form a new familys separately creating a new dynamic. When a woman marries a man with kids she and the man are creating a family seperate from the origeinal woman. Sometimes it is hard for kids to adjust to this but never the less, they are part of two new intact families and not one broken home.

The idea that the woman who is trying to form a family with her husband and step children is someone who has no say in her own home in anything is something like a second class citizen. The man choose to make a life with this women after all. He decided to join her to make a family. He made a choice. If his x wife /kids dont like it to bad. Thats divorce. The family (the new one) needs to move forward standing by that choice(marriage ) Should the current wife be onlu referred to as the stepmom in the family dynamic? Their is so much more to a woman than her relationship to the kids. She is an adult. She has her own extended family, often her own kids, she is a wife, she has responsibilities, and she is her own damn person.

As a grown woman, she has a right to a quiet house while she sleeps. A home with respect. A home with disCipline. She has a right to her husband. A right to make her own decisions. A right to be the stepmom. She is a homeowner or lease holder too.

The family can never survive if it is always teetering between old and new, and centered upon the wants of fickle children and a meddling x wife.

What do you think?
Why do you think that women on cm often think a sm should have no say in her home?
Do you really feel that the dh should manage the relationship between sm and skids to tge point where the kids are taking advantage and sm should consider herself a babysitter?
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by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 1:55 AM
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Replies (1-10):
jmgarzamom
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 2:07 AM
In some cases like mine dad moved on before mom at least past just dating stage. And in this case it is often like sm is taking the chance in most children's eyes of mom and dad ever getting back together. In my case mom was dating but nothing serious and me and Dh dated moved in and got hell from SD and bm. But my kids don't have that issue cause me and Dh were together before x and sm. And I know first hand what it's like to be a sm so my kids know better than to be little monsters to sm we sit talk and make choices like adults .
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packermomof2
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 4:24 AM
9 moms liked this

Kids don't have two intact families.  They have a family.  It's the adults that usually push the two family idea onto the kids.  Mom and dad are still their family (think of it like a Venn Diagram of sorts...kid in the overlapping part with mom and dad and mom and dads new spouse and kids on their respective sides of the diagram)...

SMs marriage can survive (and SF's and the parents) if they respect the fact that there are parents and there are SPs.  That SPs have the same rights in her home that any adult does, but a new marriage does not create a new INTACT family.  And don't try to treat it as such.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jul. 12, 2012 at 4:31 AM
I treat this family like a step family. I consider my family my pArent's and siblings.

My stepfamily includes my
Skids,dds,Dh and whoever else we chose to let in. Idk if all the can be accomplished in OP. sounds good but it's first crazy,then fun,then crazy,then calm,then crazy... Lol.

Um... I don't think I follow the concept. I don't feel like we are really branching off of BM and my dh's family. Nor are we starting a new one. we are just what we are. Idk the label of that but it's in a whole different field.

Depends what you make it also.
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liltigersmom
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 4:39 AM
1 mom liked this
Huh?
Who cares what goes on in each persons home.

A baby sitter is a person, who takes care of the kids, when a parent that is not available, do you have a different definition?



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Pero1
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 4:41 AM
4 moms liked this

I'm not aware of anybody on CM who thinks that SM shouldn't have a say in her home. What people are saying though is that her DH, as the parent, should have the ultimate say regarding his children. If his views are not in line with hers, then I'm afraid to say SM has probably failed to check whether their views on child-rearing are indeed compatible.

As for the two families ... have you thought about the children for one second here? Why should they be forced to lead two different lives? Almost like multiple personalities?

My DD has a family ... her parents remain BF and I, and yes, we are her family (families don't always live in one house, I've moved out more than 20 years ago and still consider my parents my family). Just like everybody else, she has extended family ... grandparents, cousins, aunties ... and in her case stepparents and stepsiblings.

Oh, and her "home" isn't broken (neither of them) ... her family isn't broken ... the only thing that is broken is the relationship of her parents!

heathercm26
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 5:09 AM
4 moms liked this
So if you married a man with kids you would not be part of the family? Just an off shout of his previous family? His being the main word. Your marriage to your husband is only creating an intact family for your kids with him? Kwim?
I personally feel that my skid is one of tge binding parts of my family. My skid is not a child i babysit. He is a child i love and am bonded to.

My husband chose her before and then made a choice to be with me, so me and the x are fairly similar lol, but i am the matriarch of my family.


Quoting packermomof2:

Kids don't have two intact families.  They have a family.  It's the adults that usually push the two family idea onto the kids.  Mom and dad are still their family (think of it like a Venn Diagram of sorts...kid in the overlapping part with mom and dad and mom and dads new spouse and kids on their respective sides of the diagram)...

SMs marriage can survive (and SF's and the parents) if they respect the fact that there are parents and there are SPs.  That SPs have the same rights in her home that any adult does, but a new marriage does not create a new INTACT family.  And don't try to treat it as such.


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notyrmomjustM
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 5:20 AM

Hi Everyone....I'm new to the site and group. I'm afraid I don't have anything good to ad about the topic here. However, I do have a question about the lingo (which I also asked about in another group). I've noticed some things are abreveated, such as (sm, DD, skids) is there a chart or something that I could learn the meanings? 


thanks for any help =) 

Maria 

heathercm26
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 5:20 AM
5 moms liked this
Absolutely a different definition. A stepparent and babysitter are completely different imo and my sitch. My ss is someone i would dive in front of a bus for. I worry about his wellbeing. I stay up late when he is sick. I hear every cough from down the hall through shut doors at two am while sleeping. A baby sitter goes back to their own home, when the parents come home. A step loves and supports the skid through out their life. Snuggles them on the couch when they had a bad day. Etc. Skids are someone you sacrifice things for, like money time and freedom
Kids you baby sit dont rely on your stability. You dont love them like you love your own.

Wow i hope your never my kids stepmom.

Steps should also know when to step back and have the parents step in if things get sticky or if you are asked permission for things, their are a lot of limits and boundaries. You are a step. Not a mom or dad and not a babysitter



Quoting liltigersmom:

Huh?

Who cares what goes on in each persons home.



A baby sitter is a person, who takes care of the kids, when a parent that is not available, do you have a different definition?








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packermomof2
by on Jul. 12, 2012 at 5:23 AM


Quoting heathercm26:

So if you married a man with kids you would not be part of the family? Just an off shout of his previous family? His being the main word. Your marriage to your husband is only creating an intact family for your kids with him? Kwim?
I personally feel that my skid is one of tge binding parts of my family. My skid is not a child i babysit. He is a child i love and am bonded to.

My husband chose her before and then made a choice to be with me, so me and the x are fairly similar lol, but i am the matriarch of my family.
I see you don't understand Venn diagrams.
My marriage to my husband did not create an intact family.  It created a stepfamily.  My kids still have a family and it just got bigger when I married my husband. 
You can be the matriarch of your family.  That doesn't mean the kids have to see you a matriarch of any sort... dads wife, SM, sure... but they have a mom in their family.  And chances are it isn't you.
chanizen
by Platinum Member on Jul. 12, 2012 at 5:28 AM
4 moms liked this
Where has it been said that a sm has no rights in her home? I have never seen that.

But if you want a quiet house at all times definitively, perfect respect, a husband with no one else to claim him, full decision making rights.... You don't marry a guy with kids. Period.

Because when you have kids, you don't have a perfectly quiet house. My daughter woke me up to kill a bug last night. Kids are often learning respect and my not be perfectly respectful at all times.

You dont get full decision. Making rights... They are not your kids.... Bm and bf have full decision making rights. You have the decision making rights that bf delegates to you insofar as they do not go against a co or interfere with bm's right to parent.

As for discipline... I suppose it depends what you mean. Guiding... Timeouts... Sure. Want to spank? Better be sure bf and bm are on board. And be aware that the kids may not accept harder discipline (spanking, grounding, removal of large priviledges) from sm the same way the do from a bio. That can destroy your relationship with the kids if that is the case. And it could destroy your relationship with dh...

I feel that the primary responsibilities should fall to the bios. That the bio should broker and facilitate the relationship between sm and skids. If the kids are taking advantage, the sm should certainly speak up and try to redirect them. If she cannot, dh should facilitate. If he does not.... Then dh Is part of the problem.

As for the "babysitter" concept... It's not that sm is a babysitter per se. But she has the rights delegated to her by bf. A marriage certificate is not a birth certificate. You don't marry a man and become an equal partner in parenting with the same legal status as bm and bf.

People tend to recommend acting more like a loving family member and not trying to take over a parental role especially when bm is still around. Why? Because it tends to be more successful and keeps the sm from feeling like she has to become "insta-mom". Which can be really really damaging for kids... And the sm as well.
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