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WWYD or how do you deal with your skids?

Posted by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 1:11 AM
  • 10 Replies
Hello Ladies, so I have a blended family. I have two children from a previous marriage, 3 step-kids, and we now have one together. I always tried to do for each of my step kids as I do for my own. This actually changed sometime ago since they have just become rather disrespectful toward me especially when I ask them to clean up after themselves or to clean their room. I don't cDH and I have discussed the fact that his onsider it tit for tat, I just am not or will not reward them when they act this way with me. DH and I have had discussions about his kids being disrespectful toward me and or not pitching in with chores or cleaning up after themselves. He tells me to tell them and I tell him I do tell them and he says no TELL them. So I ask them and then it gets to the point where I am telling them numerous times and still nothing gets done. Finally when I tell them in a stern voice they do what I ask. So the other day sd12 comes and she sees a nintendo dsi my mom bought my daughter. Sd didn't know who got it for my dd but assumed it was me and then began crying. She said she didn't want to be here because I treat my kids better than her and her brothers and that I am always yelling at her. I was so mad when my dh told me what she had said. I told him yes I TELL her I do NOT "yell" at her and if she cleaned up after herself or did what she is asked then I would not repeatedly have to tell her. I can expect that from our two year old but she is 12. I told him how is it that you tell me to tell them in a stern voice so they listen and then I am the asshole? I don't think thats right. I know alot of this has to do with her being jealous of what my mom does for my kids but what do I do? Their mom and granma do things for them all the time and my kids never act out the way her and her brothers do. What would u do or have u ever been in this situation?
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 1:11 AM
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Replies (1-10):
hardwork
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 7:43 AM

 In my situation if my dad does for my DS8 he will do something also for the Yskids which are 7 and 4. And its the same way with DH's parents if they do for their Bio grandkids then they do something also for the Sgrandkid. Now if my DS's grandma (his BD's mom) does something for him then she doesnt do anything for the others because she has no relation to them at all. And the same goes for the Skids's other grandparent(BM's parents). Although I have to admit at Christmas they came with gifts for their grandkids and gave my DS a card with $10 in it. I thought that was very nice and thoughtful of them.

rose0919
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 9:01 AM
1 mom liked this

your dh needs to step up and  take control of his kids!  you should disengage from his kids. dont do anything for them make him do it.  if they dont clean up after themselves leave the mess. let dh see how much you do. he needs to be the one to TELL them.

as for the jealousy oh well . you dd has family just like  they do.  we had that issue with ss for a while. dh explained that his gp get him things that dd doesn't get.  that is life. just like his mother buys him things i buy dd things. it is not my job to make sure he gets what dd has it is his mothers and if his mother doesn't do it for him then its on his mother. ss sees the difference now. his home life is sooo different from ours. we cant do anything about that . but when he is here he is treated as an equal to dd. if she gets new cloths he gets new clothes. but they stay here. bm spends on herself. or her so. we choose to spend on the kids. but the first step is dh had to step up and parent. which is what yours needs to do. take your dd and leave him with his kids so he has to deal with them himself. go visit friends or your family  without them. take her to the park. make him deal with his own kids.

Tigress22304
by Ruby Member on Jul. 16, 2012 at 9:07 AM
1 mom liked this

In our situation-there is my family/DH's Family and BM's family-my family and BM's family includes ALL the kids-including my DD. DH's family only does for SS and sometimes sd11.

Point is-you're allowed to buy your OWN DAUGHTER whatever you want. THere's nothing in the books that says you HAVE to buy for Skids. And perhaps if they obey you-with you telling them to clean after themselves instead of causing you to repeat yourself constantly....they'd get special treats as well. (I'm not sure as to why she got the DSi-but let's go with special treat she's earned.)

My skids get special treats if they do their chores and keep up on them without needing reminding or if we just wanna do something super nice for them.... and there are times where SD11 may not get a special toy/surprise because of her attitude or ss5 may not get to have time with Mom mom because of behavior....then again-your sd is 12-she's a teen who's moody and hormonal. The majority of them act like ungrateful brats with a case of the gimme gimme's

whatIknownow
by Emerald Member on Jul. 16, 2012 at 9:11 AM
1 mom liked this

It sounds like your DH wants you to do his job for him. HE should be "telling" his kids to clean up, not leave it to you to be the nag.  Tell  your DH he needs to step up his game. Your stepkids are beginning to resent you and it will only get worse.

Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jul. 16, 2012 at 9:16 AM
Bump. I know my skids have 2 x boxes and ect. Bc my dh's mom And bms family spends NO time w them. so for b days and x mas it looks like Santa puked gifts everywhere for them.

BUT my dds and skids get EVERY wknd they r with us cool memories like bbqs,the lake,cousin time ect. To me,stuff that counts. I've talke to my dds about skids getting things and explain what theyed rather have,family Time every wknd or presents but no family time. This usually Works.

Tbh mama,your Dh is making you the bad guy. U may tell them something and if it doesn't get done leave it. Let Dh do it. Sorry to say.

And Dh needs to explain to them how life doesn't make everything fair. My yss12 does this also. Yet he gets a lot of electronics he will get jealous at little things like a movie I got them. He's just a brat though.

Dh needs to be the bad guy. And u do not have to be disrespected in your own home! GL.
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Steamedpuddle30
by Hi, my name is... on Jul. 16, 2012 at 9:17 AM
This. Your skids are resenting you. And you might turn start to resent them if your Dh doesn't put a stop to it OP.

Quoting whatIknownow:

It sounds like your DH wants you to do his job for him. HE should be "telling" his kids to clean up, not leave it to you to be the nag.  Tell  your DH he needs to step up his game. Your stepkids are beginning to resent you and it will only get worse.

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boysmom5
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 9:27 AM
I agree with this, especially for NCSMs. DH and I have 5 boys total. My two and his twins live with us. They all get treated as equal as possible by both of us. I don't expect our families to buy things for eachothers kids. We do the best we can with minimal input from my xh and no input from BM. All our kids have chores and are expected to help out around the house. They also know there are consequences to being disrespectful.


Quoting rose0919:

your dh needs to step up and  take control of his kids!  you should disengage from his kids. dont do anything for them make him do it.  if they dont clean up after themselves leave the mess. let dh see how much you do. he needs to be the one to TELL them.

as for the jealousy oh well . you dd has family just like  they do.  we had that issue with ss for a while. dh explained that his gp get him things that dd doesn't get.  that is life. just like his mother buys him things i buy dd things. it is not my job to make sure he gets what dd has it is his mothers and if his mother doesn't do it for him then its on his mother. ss sees the difference now. his home life is sooo different from ours. we cant do anything about that . but when he is here he is treated as an equal to dd. if she gets new cloths he gets new clothes. but they stay here. bm spends on herself. or her so. we choose to spend on the kids. but the first step is dh had to step up and parent. which is what yours needs to do. take your dd and leave him with his kids so he has to deal with them himself. go visit friends or your family  without them. take her to the park. make him deal with his own kids.


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Refurbished
by on Jul. 16, 2012 at 9:45 AM

A lot of this is just her age.  She would be giving her own mother a hard time about chores and fairness too. 

MomGoingCrazy78
by Lindy Lou on Jul. 16, 2012 at 10:03 AM

Well in my sitch my kids grandma and grandpa (BF parents) buy for my 2 kids and my SD (she also calls them Nana and Papa). My SD is around them a lot since we have her 50/50 (I still have a great relationship with my ex IN LAWS). Now my in-laws (DH parents) will really only get for SD- my rule for that is if it's a toy then it stays at grandparents. Since DH has started implementing that, they don't buy her near the junk they used to. MIL got to where she was constantly buying SD stuff to piss me off or rub it in my kids noses. DH put a stop to that really quick. If I buy my kids something, I also buy SD something, but then again I don't have problems with her not listening to me either...

drakemom1
by Bronze Member on Jul. 16, 2012 at 10:13 AM
Omg this is a page out of my life lol

My DF's kids are jealous of the attention and things my younger children get because my mother does help out a lot. They are her only grandchildren and gets them tons of clothes and toys. After the last bday party I had for my two year old, I got a message from my DF's kids' gma saying how jealous the kids were about the party. So now they just won't be around when I have parties for my kids and I'm sure we will have to do xmas separately but I'm not going to set up a situation for his kids to be jealous of mine. Things will never be even. Kids from intact families still get jealous over siblings when they think they are getting more.

As for the cleaning up, his kids are the same way. I don't deal with it anymore. I tell DF that I expect my house a certain way and if they leave it messy its his job to make sure its up to my standards when they leave. He now makes them help out a lot more than when it was me handling everything.
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